Power in Words

There are two songs that I want to share with you. The first one is called "Someday" by Rob Thomas. The lyrics of this song speak to my heart and describe my current feelings better than I ever could. And while I find music videos to be a little distracting because you tend to watch the story play out on screen rather than listen to the lyrics, I like the music video to this song. It even has a sign in it that says "[heart] has no gender."



"You can go,
You can start all over again,
You can try to find a way to make another day go by.
You can hide,
Hold all your feelings inside,
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry.

And maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
Try to put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to make things better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

Now wait,
You try to find another mistake.
If you throw it all away then maybe you could change your mind.
You can run,
And when everything is over and done,
You could shine a little light on everything around you,
Man, it's good to be someone!

And maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
Try to put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to make things better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

And I don't wanna wait,
I just wanna know,
I just wanna hear you tell me so.
Give it to me straight,
Tell it to me slow.

Cause maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
We'll put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to just feel better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get.
So maybe we should start all over,
Start all over again...

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get.
So maybe we should start all over,
Start all over again..."

The second song is called "Angel" and is sung by Sarah McLachlan. I listened to it this weekend while reading a Newsweek article from the year 2000 about Stuart Matis. This song has always been a favorite of mine. It is just tragically beautiful and moving. However, I have mixed feelings about this song because it is so depressing - it is definitely not a song you want to listen to when you are feeling depressed; I personally identify with this song because I have been to that dark, lonely place before, and even though I'm not at that place right now, and that place is not a good, happy place, I still have a special connection to the song, and I feel the lyrics almost perfectly describe my feelings for Stuart. The influence for the song is detailed here. Although the recorded version is better than the many live versions, I could not find a suitable recorded version video on YouTube. Also, the lyrics get misinterpreted often, so I have also typed them up:



"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance;
For a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction,
Oh, a beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.
Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight.

In the arms of The Angel,
Fly away from here.
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,
And everywhere you turn,
There's vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting,
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.
It don't make no difference,
Escaping one last time;
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees.

In the arms of The Angel,
Fly away from here.
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

It's Only the Beginning...

Have you ever been so sad about something, so distraught, that it made it hard to cry? Even though that's all you wanted to do, for some reason you couldn't muster it to happen? That's how I feel right now - and I hate it.

I can't help wondering why this is happening. I know that it's not because I don't care - I do care. I want to cry.

Maybe it's because I know everything will be okay in the end; that everything will work out.

I am clinging to the hope that this is the beginning, not the end. That we will be better and stronger because of it.

But I am so nervous. I don't know what to do with myself. Here I am, lying in my bed at ten past midnight and I should be asleep because I have to work tomorrow. (In fact, I called in sick today because I needed some time to digest things without the responsibilities of work.) But I don't want to go to sleep. All I want to do is hit the pause button on life; I don't want to wait because it seems unbearable. If I hit pause, I won't have to wait for an answer - it will just be there when I un- pause my life. And then I can wake up and everything will make sense and be okay.

Yet I know this is something that needs to happen. It must. I just hope it turns into something more, something confident and loving and happy.

I have and will keep praying that things will turn out well, that Heavenly Father will prepare a way. His guidance will lead us both to each other, I pray.

My love remains the same...

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

It's been a long time since I've posted - almost exactly two months. That doesn't mean that I have nothing to write or express; I have had many experiences since my last post that I could have shared, but I didn't. There are two main reasons for this: 1) Many of these experiences have been private and I want to preserve that nature of these experiences, and 2) I feel as if my struggle has been winding down; I have much more peace than I used to have, and I like who I am, wholly and unforgivingly. I still have struggles sometimes with regards to my orientation - but who doesn't? I have accepted that nothing will ever be completely stable or resolved. That's just the nature of life - and there's nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, I have been moved to share the following with you, which is the main reason why I'm writing this post.

I used to make fun of the "band geeks" in high school for being obsessed with Josh Groban. The only song of his that I had heard at that point was, "You Raise Me Up," and I thought it was uber-cheesy. Therefore, I didn't see what was so special about him except that he was the only young guy I knew that seemed to target the 40+ year-old female demographic. That's not something that young guys did, that was something that Neil Diamond did, so I made fun of Josh Groban.

Well, I hope those "band geeks" can forgive me, because Josh Groban is amazing. I've had many neat experiences that involve his songs.

One of these experiences happened when I was driving on my way to work. I had been listening to "The Secret" on CD, and turned it off at a concluding point, something to the effect that, "Believing is the most important step in the 'Ask, Believe, Receive' process." [As a side note, the process is based in scripture: Mark 11:24] The moment I turned off the CD my car stereo immediately flipped on the radio to the station I was listening to the last time I had been listening to the radio. The song that was playing on this station was, "Believe," by Josh Groban. It happened to be in the middle of the song and the first line of lyric that I heard was, "You have everything you need if you just believe."

I was stunned. I have had enough experiences like this to know without a doubt that nothing happens without reason. Everything has meaning.

Most recently, I have been listening to, "You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)," a lot more than I used to. It has taken on meaning in my life. I feel the power of the lyrics not just because they are poetic and beautiful, but because I feel like I could have written these lyrics. I know how Josh Groban feels when he sings them. I know how it feels to say, "When your heart's heavy/ I, I will lift it for you/ Don't give up/ Because you want to be heard/ If silence keeps you/ I, I will break it for you."

To My Angel: Don't give up, because You are loved.

Perfection

I am going to keep my comments to a minimum (for once), as I believe that the article below says everything concisely, accurately, and better than I ever could. So here I go:

This article (published in the Deseret News, even) is perfection. More? Sorry, that's it.

Religion in Politics is Getting Tiresome

Mixed Message from the "Kingdom"

We've all heard the news about the Church supporting Salt Lake City's non-discrimination ordinance that would add "sexual orientation" protections to the list of protected statuses in the city's areas of employment and housing...

I don't know about you, but when I hear of news about the Church and its political support of anything, my ears perk up and I frantically search the internet to see if the media have picked it up yet.

I first heard word of the Church's actions from the "8: The Mormon Proposition" group on Facebook; a message was sent out to members of the group telling of how "well-placed people inside the Mormon Church" contacted others who were involved with Reed Cowan's documentary to let them know that the Church planned a statement and that they needed to "Watch what we [the Church] are about to do. You will be pleased."

At that point the media hadn't picked up the story yet, and I began to ponder about whether or not I believed the message sent to me by the "8: The Mormon Proposition" group. Honestly, the thought came into my mind that whoever sent the message was trying to rile people up with a sensationalized message - this person proved me wrong!

How do I feel about it? Honestly, I am confused and don't really know, but I will explain my feelings as best I can.

I am upset that the Church got involved, for several reasons. My primary reason for disagreement is because I don't like it when any Church gets involved in politics - period! Even when the Church and I agree on an issue (such as this ordinance), I don't think it is appropriate or ethical for any religion to get involved in politics. It shouldn't happen unless there is an issue that directly or specifically addresses religion.

I don't like the Church being involved in this specific issue because once it is involved a precedent is set. It is said about Utah politics that, "When the Church says 'jump,' those on Capitol Hill say, 'How high?'" So the legislature will, begrudgingly, refrain from challenging this ordinance. The precedent that is set is that the gay community now becomes dependent on the Church for any legislation that affects our community. One could argue that that's the way it already is, but the Church sends enough mixed messages that this ordinance could very well end up being challenged and revoked, which leads me to...

The way the Church handled its press release was, to me, not good enough. If we look back at Prop. 8 and the way the Church announced its support of that measure, it came in the form of a letter written and signed by the First Presidency that was read in every California ward's sacrament meeting. Compared to that, some "Joe Blo" from PR reading a statement written by the PR department carries little to no weight. He wasn't even an official spokesperson! (Those would be Kim Farrah and Scott Trotter). Admittedly, Prop. 8 and this ordinance bear little resemblance in "weight" themselves, but after the fiasco that was Prop. 8, a letter from the First Presidency read in Salt Lake City's wards should've been the least the Church could do.

The way in which the Church announced its support is the reason why people and groups still disagree with the Church on this ordinance. The Sutherland Institute, which is based on LDS principles, issued a statement disagreeing with the Church. The Utah Eagle Forum, which thinks it's based on LDS principles, also disagrees with the Church's stance on the ordinance. The reason why it's "okay" for them to disagree with the Church, but it wasn't "okay" for people who disagreed with the Church on Prop. 8, was because of the reason stated above: this time the statement didn't come from the First Presidency or the Prophet, it came from "Joe Blo" in PR. (The fact that certain people and groups still choose to disagree with the Church is not evidentiary of their "apostasy" - it is evidentiary of their being homophobic.)

And this is not a mistake. The Church does not issue anything - anything - publicly until it has been reviewed, revised, and "okayed" by the highest leaders of the Church. And since Prop. 8 - hell, since the beginning of friggin' time - the Church has been extremely careful with its PR. No one can convince me that everything about this announcement was not thoroughly thought out, or revised, or considered. I guarantee you that even this PR guy's tie was thought out in detail.

In short, the Church knows that an announcement doesn't carry as much weight when it is not delivered in a Church setting by its highest leaders...

Besides, the fact that the Church came in at the last minute to "save the day" when the city knew the ordinance would already pass is beyond disingenuous. I've heard comments from several people, including some MoHo's, with the general consensus being that, "We must thank the Church for doing this for us." To them I say, "I am not going to thank the Church for this; I am going to thank Salt Lake City and Mayor Ralph Becker for this."

Furthermore, the fact that Reed Cowan's documentary is coming out in the next few months has not gone over the Church's head. And that's what I believe this is all about - the Church having some backup, some "ammo" in its arsenal, to address coming criticism once "8: The Mormon Proposition" is released.

I would say the one reason why I am so confused about the Church's actions is because its statement read that this ordinance provides "common-sense rights that should be available to everyone" when just weeks ago Elder Oaks referred to gay rights as "alleged."

Oaks also said, "Those who seek to change the foundation of marriage should not be allowed to pretend that those who defend the ancient order are trampling on civil rights."

Well, are they "common-sense rights" or "alleged civil rights?" This is one of those Mysteries of the "Kingdom." Can you blame me for being confused?!

One of the reasons the Church supports the ordinance is because it allows for religious freedom and exemption from the ordinance...

Oh, that's nice - especially when the Church owns half of the property in Salt Lake City. The exemption not only protects strictly religious property - such as churches, or temple grounds - but it applies to everything the Church owns. That means that the multi-billion dollar ($1.5 - $8 billion is estimated) City Creek Center being built by the Church, with not only its mall stores (and the stores' employees) but its high-end apartments and condominums, will be exempt from the ordinance. You won't find any dirty gays working for Macy's or Hot Dog On a Stick! Now, I'm not saying that this is inappropriate. In fact, as long as the Church does not accept any federal or state tax monies it is completely appropriate. But I am offended when the Church acts like it is doing us a favor. Please, I'm not a "petulant tween!"

If it's religious exemptions the Church wants, then why did it oppose gay marriage in Maine, which, in its legal form, allowed for religious exemptions? Call me confused... again.

In general, there have been two types of responses from members: those who disagree (like the Sutherland Institute and the Utah Eagle Forum) and those who agree with the Church. Some who agree with the Church are engaging in revisionist history, saying that the Church's position nor doctrine has changed. Huh?! Wha?! The Church itself called the announcement, "an historic statement." If nothing has changed, why is it so historic?

It confuses me when people say, "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever." To them I say: "God may be unchanging, but the Church sure isn't." The mere fact that the Church has made this leap compared to twenty years ago (when people were excommunicated just for having gay feelings) is evidence. If it is okay to support a public policy position such as this today, now, then why wasn't it okay twenty years ago? Why is it okay for a person to have gay feelings today and not be excommunicated when twenty years ago it was different?

Having made all my complaints, and despite all my misgivings and hesitancy to send the Church a "thank you" card, I ultimately feel that if the Church's support helped in any way to save someone's life, then it is worth it.

I just wish I understood more what the Church really feels. I'm getting sick of the mixed messages.

Call me confused. And cautiously optimistic.

Evidence of Hate

The following is an actual text messaging conversation I had with a friend from high school last Saturday, the same night as the Priesthood session of General Conference (I, myself, did not attend). I will not comment much because I think it speaks for itself to the kind inner turmoil LGBT Mormons experience - it's just sad. It also speaks to the hatred of self and others that is taught and communicated in subtle ways in LDS culture.

I will not reference him by name, because I don't believe in "outing" people, even though I am 99.9% positive that no one who reads this even knows who this person is. However, he contacted me in late May/early June of this year to "come out" to me; if I remember correctly, he looked at my Facebook account and saw that I had "come out" and thought I would be a safe resource. I offered to introduce him to the Matis Firesides and other safe "family" functions, and he has yet to take me up on the offer. He also revealed to me an experience he's had with another guy. Recently, he has commented that he is actually bisexual. He is a member of the LDS Church and has communicated to me that he wants to get married to a woman in an LDS temple.

Warning: The conversation we had contains mutliple four-letter words and a gay slur. Also, it is rife with errors, which I will not correct because who ever really texts "properly?"

ME: Did you go to Priesthood session?

SAD FOOL: Sure did! Haha. Didn't pay attention

ME: I am hoping so badly that a softer stance will be taken tomorrow. It just takes one talk

SAD FOOL: Softer stance on? I like Nelson and Holland. I listen to them! One day I want to be Nelson!

ME: On gay issues. Be a heart surgeon?

SAD FOOL: Oh. I don't care about gay issues. Haha. Well a world famous surgeon who helps invent something.

ME: What did he invent? I am actually appalled that you don't care

SAD FOOL: He worked on an artificial heart valve. Yeah, why should I care. I'm not here to get approval from them. If they don't like it they don't like it, that's their right. We have the same rights also so I don't care. [emphasis added]

ME: I agree to an extent. I'm not going to base my happiness on their approval. But I'll be damned if they're going to abuse their authority and take away my rights

SAD FOOL: Ha. They don't have authority to do so!

ME: Well they just did it in California.

SAD FOOL: Are you shitting me?!!? That was not because of the church! It fucking pisses me off when people say the church did that. A. They don't have the power to pass or veto laws and B. The majority of the the population caused it, the lds faith does not make up the majority of California!

ME: With 2% of the population of California being Mormon, you are right... They didn't have the force of votes. But that same 2% raised half of the money. And now they don't want blame. People in the Church have said that without the Mormons it wouldn't've passed. Heck, even the Catholic Church has said that.

SAD FOOL: And because those members did that it is the fault of the general authorities? I don't think so! People are dip shits and only see what they want to see! And just because they raised money doesn't mean that's the reason, they didn't pay anyone off! Why do they want to get married so bad anyhow? Not missing out on anything. That's what I hate most about faggs is they think the world owes them and that they are so picked on. Get over yourself! [emphasis added]

SAD FOOL: [before I could respond to the previous message] Plus whose to say it would have passed? No one knows! It didn't, and now we move on with our life.

ME: The first presidency asked people to donate of their time and means to passing Prop. 8. So yes, I can blame the General Authorities. You don't have to be rude

ME: (before he could respond to my previous message] You don't know what you are talking about. It DID pass. Prop 8 passing basically repealed marriage. It was legal before the election.

SAD FOOL: Well whatever, I don't care, and its old news. You shouldn't either, you don't live there so it doesn't even effect you.

SAD FOOL: [again, before I could respond...] People just want to blame someone so they blame the people that are right, its human nature. If the GA's asked that why didn't I hear about it, never asked me

ME: I will email you a link to the letter that was read aloud during sacrament meetings in California in June of 2008.

SAD FOOL: No thanks.

ME: [his name], can I honestly tell you what I think? I think that you are in such deep denial over having sexual attractions to men. That's why you dance for the MoTab. That's why you defend the Church when it's wrong. Despite the fact that you go to the gym to hook up with guys and get blow jobs. That's why you just called me a fag, because if you can label gays as "them" then you don't have to confront your same-sex attractions. I have been nothing but nice to you, and then you treat me like this tonight? I frankly don't deserve it and don't appreciate it. But I guess I know how you really feel.

SAD FOOL: Haha. And you know me so well and have a Ph.D. so you can say that. But you know what, I don't think anyone is at fault, that's just how the world goes, life isn't fair but that doesn't mean its yours, mine or anyones fault, we just have to move on and get over it. When I used the term fagg I'm refering to the gay people that think they are something special and are always picked on, if that's not you, which I don't think it is, then I'm not talking about you. I dance for the motab because I'm good and I can. There are non members that dance with us! If you think I'm being offensive then that is you're problem not mine. I just say what I think if you disagree so be it, but that's no reason to get offended. That's like me getting offended because someone doesn't like country music and they call me a hick because I do. I don't care, they can listen to whatever they want.

ME: You don't understand. I am calling your bluff. You want to have the best of both worlds. You want a blow job in a gym from a guy but also to get married in the temple and become like Russell M. Nelson! I mean, come on! And then you call gays fags, use the F word and other profanitites. You can't have it both ways, man. It's just not possible.

SAD FOOL: What does Nelson have to do with this? I can say and do whatever I want. It's called free agency, its a god given right.

ME: And I should have the agency to marry whomever I want, as long as he or she is of legal age. Say bye bye to Mr. Six-Pack BJ if you want to go the Church route. That's all I'm saying.

SAD FOOL: For your information I haven't even been to the gym in a month and I've had a bj once! But if you really want to know me, then you need to try harder and not guess at everything I do!

ME: I can only go by what you've told me I think you are taking out your [own] self-loathing on me and i don't appreciate it. It's called projection, you know that term you are a Psych major. I will send you that email.

SAD FOOL: Haha. Not even close! You sure you want to be a psychologist? What year are you in?

ME: You don't care about the Church's stance on gay issues because you don't see yourself as having same sex attractions, though you admit to being bisexual. You just want to "have fun" and then repent later so that you can get married in the temple.

SAD FOOL: No, no, that's not it. I know I have same attractions, and I rarely repent.

ME: Well your repentance is between you and the Lord. And I'm so over it, [his name]. Figure out what you want in life before you go doing whatever it is you do.

SAD FOOL: Haha. People are right, you're really dramatic! I'm not self-loathing, nor projecting. And I know what I want thanks!

ME: Well that's good to know! Thanks!

And that was the end of the conversation. I know I shouldn't have said some of the things that I did, but it freaking pissed me off that someone who experiences same-sex attraction would call others who do as well, "fags." Totally uncalled for, and that's what compelled me to say some of the things I did. Also, I have not sent him the link to the First Presidency letter; I figured I would just move on and not escalate anything further. We probably will not have contact again, although we are still friends on Facebook (as far as I know).

I think the best part about all of this is that, ironically, the headline on the front page of the Deseret Morning News the following Monday read something like, "LDS Urged to Contain Anger." How timely!

What do you think of our conversation?

What I Know For Sure

I haven't blogged in a while because I have felt fairly depressed, more so than I have felt in a long time. I don't think that there is any one reason; rather, I feel that it is a combination of stressors that have been mixed together and baked in the oven too long!

Last Sunday, I was talking with a friend about these feelings and my guesses as to what the "ingredients" were that baked this burnt pan of brownies. He urged me to write down the things about life and the Church that I still agree with, or that I still believe - especially on a personal level, rather than on an "organized" level of faith.

I made a promise to him that I would, and I am someone who likes to keep my promises. So that night at work (having worked the graveyard shift - all alone, I might add... SCARY!) I utilized that opportunity to write down my list. Here it is:

TENETS of MY FAITH:

--- God loves me unconditionally, AND He knows that I'm not perfect - and He's okay with that! So why shouldn't I be okay with that?

--- My personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is more important than any one church. I believe He knows that about me.

--- I know that Truth is found in every corner of this world - in its people, its places, its things. Truths can be found in most or all religions as well. There is Truth in the sun rising every single day without fail; there is Truth in a smile from a passerby, which brightens my day; there is Truth in the power of Love. I intend to find those Truths, wherever they may be.

--- Christ is, indeed, the Savior of the World and I owe it to Him to meet Him halfway.

--- Daily conversations with God are up to me, and He always picks up the phone to listen. Prayer is a pillar of my faith.

--- The Constitution is, indeed, a Divinely-inspired document and I consider it scripture.

--- At the end of the day, only Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know my life situation and my heart in its entirety.

Originally, the list above was my goal - to write about what I still believe in. However, my mind started to fill with ideas about THINGS THAT I'VE LEARNED:

--- The Spirit of the Law is more important than the Letter of the Law.

--- Church leaders, even Prophets (by definition, because they are still mortal men) are NOT infallible. They are human.

--- Personal revelation trumps Church doctrine and sometimes the Holy Ghost will communicate things to you that conflict with official Church teachings.

--- Forgiveness of others is more for the benefit of ourselves than it is for others. Heavenly Father does NOT want us to have poison stirring in our hearts.

--- The LDS Church is not what I thought it was; it is also a newspaper, a TV station, a business, and a PAC (Political Action Committee), among other things.

--- Missions are NOT essential for a male to receive Exaltation. (Really, I didn't know that. They do not teach you this.)

--- We are blessed according to obedience to specific laws rather than punished indirectly for an unrelated behavior. For example, I will not get bad grades just because I drank alcohol or viewed pornography; rather, if I study hard and meet Him halfway, despite having drunken alcohol or having viewed pornography, I will be blessed with a decent grade. Any "punishment" from the Lord will be directly related to my infractions.

--- Questioning authority is essential to living a balanced life - even if it turns out you were wrong.

--- Acceptance goes both ways - if we as a community want respect and acceptance from others, especially from the LDS Church and its members, then we need to respect and accept them as well.

--- Things are ultimately more complicated than they ever, ever seem. And, oftentimes, we don't even know the half of it - especially when it comes to spiritual issues.

And last, but not least...

--- Accepting yourself wholly, and unforgivingly, including your past and your weaknesses, is essential for happiness and inner peace.

I still had time on my lunch hour (2-3 a.m., as if that could ever be called "lunch"), so I browsed through an O magazine that was sitting on the table. Indeed, everything at that moment felt right; like I was in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, as you will see...

I stumbled upon the following article, which I later found out is a regular column by Oprah Winfrey in every issue of her magazine. This issue's (September 2009) was especially pertinent (All copyright to O magazine, emphasis added):

"What I Know For Sure"

"I'm always fascinated by lists of 'Most Powerful People,' and by the ways they use external things - fame, status, wealth - to define and rank power. It's curious how a person can go from the top of a list one year to unlisted the next - all in the blink of a board meeting. Was that person's power real, or was the power only in the position? We often get the two confused.
"For me, there is no real power without spiritual power. A power that comes from the core of who you are and reflects all that you were meant to be. A power that's connected to the source of things. When you see this kind of power shining through someone in all its truth and certainty, it's irresistible, inspiring, elevating. I can feel it in myself sometimes, mostly when I'm sharing an insight that I know will have an impact on someone's life and I can see that they 'get it.' Gary Zukav writes in The Seat of the Soul, 'When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose, and meaning... When the personality comes fully to serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic empowerment.' Fulfilling your purpose, with meaning, is what gives you that electrifying 'juice' and makes people stand in wonder at how you do it.
"The secret is alignment: when you know for sure that you're on course and doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, fulfilling your soul's intention, your heart's desire, or whatever you choose to call it (they're all the same thing). When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. And you may stumble, but you will not fall.
"I know for sure that in every challenging experience there's an opportunity to grow, enhance your life, or learn something invaluable about yourself. Every challenge can make you stronger if you allow it. Strength multiplied = power.
"For real.

"Oprah"

I could not believe what I had just read. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. In fact, this article reminds me of the experience I had the weekend before I came out of the closet.

Furthermore, I saw a chart in a different month's issue of O magazine, and it really struck a chord. I will try to recreate it as best I can (All copyright to O magazine):

FEAR/LOVE

- Always feels bad./Always feels good.
- Motivates grasping./Motivates liberation.
- Seizes control./Relaxes control.
- Insists on certainty./Accepts uncertainty.
- Needs everything./Needs nothing.

The part of this chart that really stood out to me was the couplet on "certainty." When we fear, it happens ahead of time. That is why we try to plan an "escape," an acceptable "alternative" or "response." We must be in control! But when we love, it happens in the moment. We do not fear what is going to happen next because we are enraptured in the moment, comfortable in our environment, and trust that things will work out...

Maybe that's what faith is: a loving trust. When we trust someone, we don't worry that things will fall through or get neglected because we can rely on that one person - and everyone has that one person. His name is Christ. His name knows no organized religion, for He is universal - that's why Truths can be found in every corner of this world. He does not speak through others as much as He speaks to our hearts to tell us that what we are hearing, or seeing, or feeling is true. Aligning ourselves with Christ and accepting His will for our individual selves, whatever it may be, will help us find our purpose and enrich our life experience. Because His name knows no specific religion, we should not feel ashamed; accepting ourselves as gay does not mandate an abandonment of Christ - he would NEVER abandon us. He is universal! I know He accepts me and loves me for what I am - one of His children who happens to be gay. And I am not ashamed.

This I know for sure.

(Mostly) Hidden Gems

Okay, so if you don't know by now that I am a movie buff, then you're probably not annoyed with me! But for those who already know (and even those who are just finding out), I have gathered some movie trailers of some GREAT movies that have (mostly) flown under-the-radar. Some are old, some are new, some are Best Picture Oscar nominees, and some aren't. I know there's a lot of trailers in this post, but feel free to check out only the ones that interest you.

(FYI, most of them are rated R, so if that is a concern for you then I respect that and I am sorry that you can't see them!)

Before I trot out the hidden gems, I am presenting the trailer for one of my all-time favorites: "The First Wives Club." It was well-received commercially in the 90's, so it didn't exactly fly under the radar. But it is FANTASTIC!



Want to see the best trailer ever? Yes - EVER. It's "Sunshine," a film about a space crew in the future who try to "reignite" the sun with a nuclear weapon. This movie is the most visually-striking movie I've ever seen.



"Breach" is a film that should've received more attention, especially because it is a true story of the biggest breach of security in U.S. history by a Russian spy who finnagled his way into working for the CIA.



The following is a clip from one of my favorite films - "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?" It stars a freaky-looking, psychopathic Bette Davis (my favorite actress) and Joan Crawford, who are both gay icons - so you know it'll be good! It details the story of how Blanche (Crawford), who is stuck in a wheel chair, is psychologically and physically tortured by her sister (Davis). And because the stars were despised each other in real life, it makes watching them annoy the crap out of each other all the more entertaining.



"Michael Clayton," was nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars a few years ago. This scene will reel you in hook, line, and sinker. The film is about a lawyer who takes over a defense case in which he finds that his clients are not really all that guilty. (I'm thinking Alan might like this one...)



Kate Winslet deserved her Oscar for this film, about two parents who meet at a park and carry on an affair that has tragic results. It's called, "Little Children."



Probably one of the best films ever, and one of my favorites, is "There Will Be Blood." It competed with "Michael Clayton" for Best Picture, but they both lost out to, "No Country For Old Men." It is about 2 1/2 hours but it flies by because you are so engrossed in Daniel Day-Lewis' performance as a ruthless oil tycoon, for which he won a Best Actor Oscar a few years ago. It is based on Upton Sinclair's novel, "Oil!"



Last, but not least, is a freaking trippy film made the year I was born called, "Jacob's Ladder." The ending is awesome and "twisty," and the whole time you are trying to figure out what's happening to this Vietnam War veteran who starts having hallucinations.

"I just want to make you into a decent human being."

Someone said the above sentence to me just minutes ago. I couldn't believe that the words actually came out of "Josh's" mouth. I mean, I thought we were beyond this. It came in the midst of an argument over my "immaturity" of submitting a letter to the public forum of the Deseret News which (gasp!) was actually published - on a Sunday, which means that everyone and their dog saw it if they read the Opinion section. I've sent two letters before to the same newspaper within the last two years, and both were published - the last one also on a Sunday. But I guess that this one hit a nerve. Here is the (unedited) text of my letter, which was edited for length (I'm assuming). The boldened parts of the letter were not in the newspaper:

"I couldn't help but write in response to Tonia Freeman Doussett's letter ("Advocate's Hypocrisy"). She outlines the idea that the "kiss-in" at Main Street Plaza was a hypocritical, defiant attack aimed at the LDS Church. Here's how I see it: LDS Church spokeswoman Kim Farah released a statement saying that the two men had been "asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior just as any other couple would have been." That is misleading, at best - wedding pictures are taken on the Plaza all the time. Ironically, the LDS Church is ever-so-willing to be the unsolicited, self-proclaimed 'moral' police regarding a kiss on the cheek while at the same time turning a blind eye towards its thousands of members who are living in this country illegally, even going as far as sending some of these people on missions. Clearly, a kiss on the cheek from one male to another is what this is really all about. Trespassing, anyone?"

Now, of course the letter is provocative and somewhat contentious. By definition, this incident is provocative and contentious - how could my letter not be? I was trying to point out a glaring inconsistency, after all. I had read several letters and opinion pieces on the incident and no one had pointed out that illegal immigrants who live in the U.S. and who are also Church members are, in fact, "trespassing" on U.S. soil - but the Church has urged compassion on these people (and sends them on missions if they so choose, in addition to considering them Temple-worthy). I even read the police report when it became available (and the security guards made no mention of "groping" as the Church statements have). Even the Deseret News, in an article today, said that, "A police report said they sat down for a kiss and were approached by a pair of church security guards, who asked them to leave because their behavior was 'unwanted.'" (Emphasis added.) Because nobody else had made the point that I saw as most important, I felt the urge to write the letter myself as clearly as I could.

"Josh" was offended by my letter because "[I] attacked something very important to [him]." In response, I said, "Well, I feel hurt when my Church would arrest someone like me because of simple and affectionate homosexual behavior." "Josh's" response, "Oh, come on Drew! They were drunk! I see drunk people arrested all the time. If you want to be proud of that behavior then that's your choice."

When I accused "Josh" of being too worried about his image, and that being the reason why he was so upset, he said, "Drew, I just want to make you into a decent (code: good) human being." He also accused me of "hating" him.

I don't hate him. It hurts me to hear that he thinks I do. I love him and I know that he loves me. But I feel like I should have the right to write a letter to the local newspaper if I want to. If it hurts him that I wrote a letter that criticized his Church's property policy, then I understand that and I am sorry that he is hurt by it. But, like I said above, I am hurt when my Church would treat two men this way and then deny being homophobic, and even going as far as to say that a straight couple exhibiting the same behaviors on Church property would have been addressed in a similar manner. Puuuulease!

Furthermore, "Josh" echoed the "you're either with us or you're against us" attitude. I told him flat out that that attitude, when applied to anything, is a fallacy. To put your loyalty to the group, whether it be political, religious, or otherwise, is a trap that too many people fall into. I elaborated on why I thought this was wrong - and that's because without criticism then there is no vector for change, no drive for improvement, no way to become better. And the response from "Josh": "You are going to change the Church?!"

To clarify, I personally see a difference between "the Church" and "the Gospel" because THEY ARE DIFFERENT. Case in point, the Gospel is perfect, but the Church is not. The Church is led by mortal men and, try as we might, we can never perfect the Church while we, as fallen beings, are carrying out perfect revelation. It just can't happen: while the revelation we receive can be perfect or ideal, we may not carry it out in the same exact way that was intended - and that's okay. To accept the fact that we are not perfect and never will be so long as we have yet to experience death is a freeing action that we can choose to implement in our lives. Jesus Christ is the only person in the Earth's history to have been perfect while having a mortal body. To say that we can be perfected while still in our fallen state is to indirectly deny the great miracle and gift that Christ was.

I tried to explain this to "Josh", but he still thought that I was coming out in "open rebellion" to Church leaders. I told him that I assumed he was calling me an Apostate, but he denied it. I think that questioning, or even criticizing, Church property policies are not subject to being labeled as being in "open rebellion." Call me crazy, but agreeing with Church property policies is not a requisite for Baptism, Resurrection, or Exaltation. I don't believe that I have to agree with them for God to be pleased with me or even to love me. He loves me now, He has always loved me, and He will continue to love me for the rest of my life despite the opinions I hold or the actions I take because His love is unconditional. Furthermore, I don't believe that being a Mormon is a requisite for being a decent person. I refuse that notion at any and all levels.

So, at this time, I am choosing to agree-to-disagree: he may think I'm not a decent person, but I think I am. And although his choice of words hurts me, I think he's a decent, although different, person as well.

"...love you like a cold sore."

As I've already pointed out, I LOVE "Will & Grace." It is my favorite TV show of all time, and I own all eight seasons of it on DVD. In fact, in the past when I have been depressive for various reasons (including SSA issues), I have simply turned on "Will & Grace" to elevate my mood. In short, this show has been a blessing in my life. Recently, I have undertaken the task to watch the entire series - one episode at a time. And while I have been doing this, I have been jotting down my favorite quotes from my favorite character: Karen Walker (played by Megan Mullally). I have just finished season two and want to share several of my favorite quotes of her's on here for your enjoyment (audio links are provided for some):

Season 1

"Grace, I may never have had a special relationship with a man, but I have been married twice."

"Come on! Look, I'm serious. The thing is: I'm starting to feel as if I don't own my own husband anymore."

"Honey, we talked about this blouse."

"Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one."

"Oh, and honey, did you really think you could get into Heaven wearing body glitter? Well you can't!"

"Honey, you still test-driving those anti-depressants? 'Cause I think it's time to buy."

"I can't have a kid right now; we just re-carpeted!"

"Rosario, yeah... hi, honey. Listen, I'm gonna need you to make one of your seven-layer cakes for tomorrow. And keep an eye on the kids - the fat one's gonna go right for the bowl."

"...if I hadn't deadened my frown lines with Botox you'd be able to read my empathy."

"As Gandhi once said: 'You're only as strong as your weakest servant.'"

"Stan had to take his kids to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name? Wait a minute, it'll come to me. 'Stan, take the kids to see that bitch... Kathy! Kathy!'"

"Honey, you know, whenever I get stressed out I always like to... Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out! I mean, why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze, and I've got a killer rack! Good morning!"

"Oh, the oldest story in the world, honey. Boy meets girl; boy meets new girl; boy dips girl; boy sleeps with boys... Wait a minute, maybe that's not the oldest story."

"...Stan's going hot-air ballooning and I wanted to review my pre-nup."

"No, I will not lower my voice! You're my husband; who the hell else am I gonna yell at?!"

"My shrink? Honey, I only go to him for refills."

"Hey! Come on boys, what's the hold-up? I only get four hours for lunch!"

"Oh yeah, he's fine. Javier, the bus boy, gave him the Heimlich. Gosh, I should probably get him something as a 'thank-you' - maybe the rest of his family from Cuba!"

"...Let me just boil all this hoo-ha down to two important points, okay? One - brown is over. And two - you need to get a life. Alright, honey, you're done."

And my favorite from Season 1:

"Thank you all for coming. I know my husband Stan would've loved to have been here tonight, but, regrettably, could not attend as he is at home watching the Knicks game."

Season 2

"Grace, you're stuck in a box getting rid of ass-plaque. Take it as a sign. This evening is a bust."

"Okay, and let me guess: was her nickname um... "Slutty Big-Boobs"?

"Just a maid?! That's like saying that 'Pradas are just shoes,' or 'Vodka is just a morning beverage.'"

"You're just lucky I let my kids take the pepper spray to school for show-and-tell."

"If you expect me to shop out of a bin with a bunch of mall-walking blue hairs in "I Love Grandma" t-shirts you've got another thing comin'!"

"Yeah? Well [age] has whacked you in the face with a shovel and left you for dead. You look like hell!"

"Honey, I think you're missing the silver-lining here. When you're old and in diapers, a gay son will know how to keep you away from chiffon and backlighting."

"You called me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll?! Honey, my time is precious. Call me when one of 'em gives birth at the prom!"

"Are you workin' me Wilma?!"

"Okay... first of all, the shoes go back on the Mayflower."

"Excuse me! Mink trumps felt, okay?"

"Yeah, I had a private detective do a little snooping around. He was getting bored following Stan back-and-forth to Krispy Kreme anyway."

"Oh, Stanley! You know I don't find that funny! Now get me another towel and put it on the real towel rack."

"Oh, hi pharmacist. No, honey, I don't need anything for the weekend - unless the FDA's approved something new. Oh terrif, send me a bottle! Oh, actually, make it two; yeah, we're taking family portraits this weekend."

"Honey, don't start with that or I'm gonna go after those pants."

"Listen: I know that you're still mad at me about what happened with Josh. But when you think about it really, honey, shouldn't you be mad at yourself for taking advice from somebody who was probably half-in-the-bag at the time?"

"I'm going to decorate Michael's place. I mean, he's gay, how hard could it be?! Chrome, black leather, a shower for six, done!"

"Oh, Grace, my head is spinning and not in a good way."

"Drop those pies boy, you know the rule... when we can see your neck you can have dessert. Rosario, hug the girl. The school said she needs affection."

"Give it to me straight, Doc. Am I looking at a future filled with loneliness and better days, or is Stan gonna die?"

"Oh, Grace, as long as we're being all warm and fuzzy here: you know how I always get on your case about the way you dress and the way you do your hair? Well, really... when are you gonna do something about it?"

"...would you look at these people? Why anybody would choose to be homeless is beyond me."

"Maybe it's like it says in the Bible: 'I felt bad because I had no shoes, but then I met someone who had really bad shoes.'"

"Honey, this is a cult! Yeah, like the Moonies or the homeless. Yes, they're trying to make gay people straight. Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?!"

"I wonder if Stan's exhausted himself on the body pillow yet..."

"Hey, hey, hey, come on, this is serious! If you can't teach me how to cook, I have to have sex with my husband."

"...one woman's sexual harassment is another woman's night off."

"Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick."

"...honey, love you like a cold sore."

"And where do you get off asking me for 500k? Do you know how many times I had to, 'Oh! Oh! Oh! Stan! Oh! Ah!' to get that?!"

...More to come after I finish watching seasons three and four!