It's Only the Beginning...

Have you ever been so sad about something, so distraught, that it made it hard to cry? Even though that's all you wanted to do, for some reason you couldn't muster it to happen? That's how I feel right now - and I hate it.

I can't help wondering why this is happening. I know that it's not because I don't care - I do care. I want to cry.

Maybe it's because I know everything will be okay in the end; that everything will work out.

I am clinging to the hope that this is the beginning, not the end. That we will be better and stronger because of it.

But I am so nervous. I don't know what to do with myself. Here I am, lying in my bed at ten past midnight and I should be asleep because I have to work tomorrow. (In fact, I called in sick today because I needed some time to digest things without the responsibilities of work.) But I don't want to go to sleep. All I want to do is hit the pause button on life; I don't want to wait because it seems unbearable. If I hit pause, I won't have to wait for an answer - it will just be there when I un- pause my life. And then I can wake up and everything will make sense and be okay.

Yet I know this is something that needs to happen. It must. I just hope it turns into something more, something confident and loving and happy.

I have and will keep praying that things will turn out well, that Heavenly Father will prepare a way. His guidance will lead us both to each other, I pray.

My love remains the same...