Am I a Hypocrite?

"Judge Norman Randy Smith - He was confirmed in 2007 after being nominated by President George W. Bush. Born in Logan, Utah, Smith graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in 1974, and received his J.D. from Brigham Young University’s J. Reuben Clark School of Law in 1977." (Note: In addition to practicing law and serving as a U.S. Ambassador, J. Reuben Clark was also a member of the First Presidency of the LDS Church for several years.)

This man is one of three who will, as a panel, judge the appeal of Perry v. Schwarzenegger...

This man (and I am making an educated guess), is a Mormon. Who graduated from the same law school that Lynn Wardle teaches at (note that it says he is a "Bruce C. Hafen Professor of Law" - I haven't been able to pinpoint what that means, exaclty).

(More on Lynn Wardle here. And here.)

(More on Bruce C. Hafen here. Also, Bruce C. Hafen used to be the Dean of BYU's J. Reuben Clark Law School.)

The other two Judges on the 9th Circuit Panel are more left-leaning (which is great for us!), but I have also heard that Judge Smith is pretty moderate (even on equality isses) for a "conservative judge."

However, I am not convinced. Let me preface this by saying that I am not calling for harassment, or a lynch mob, or anything of that sort, of Judge Smith. But I am not convinced.

His church is heavily invested in his ruling; one of the defendants (NOM) is a Mormon front-group; the law school he attended is replete with people in high positions (a Dean of the law school; a famous lawyer; the fact that the law school is named after a member of the LDS Church's First Presidency) who have come out with mean-spirited, unsubstantiated, and flat-out wrong statements and propositions that undermine not only our equality, but our humanity...

So, here is the question: Am I a hypocrite for thinking that Judge Smith should remove himself from the three-judge panel because of his multiple conflicts of interest? Especially since the last ruling was made by a man who is not-so-secretly gay (ahem, Judge Vaughn Walker). And especially since I thought it was ridiculous that Judge Walker was getting criticized for it by the pro-Proposition 8 Team (they insinuated that judges cannot be gay because you cannot trust a gay man's judgment)...?

I mean, really, come on, isn't this akin to my made-up analogy of a Judge, who graduated from Hitler Law School, deciding a case for/against a state constitutional ban on Jewish rights, with the defendants of the ban in question being created and funded by the Nazi's, with whom the Judge has personal and spiritual associations?

At the End of the Gravel Road

This past Friday (March 12th) was a huge day for me. It was my one-year "coming out" anniversary.

I never thought this day would come. When I was a teenager, there was a time when I didn't think I would live to see myself graduate, much less enter my twenties and see my one-year "coming out" anniversary. But I've pulled through. I've survived.

Being open about my orientation has had many benefits, many of which are not quantifiable. As the anniversary was approaching, I tried to reflect on what it really meant to me. How it changed my life. And, to my surprise, I couldn't really think of anything specific except that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to be embarrassed if there is something about me that is a little more effeminate than your average white, heterosexual male. Other than that, I really can't think of anything. That doesn't mean that it wasn't worth it, or that it wasn't a big deal - it was a big deal. It is a big deal for anyone who's ever done it.

Like I said, many of the benefits are not quantifiable; they are indescribable. It's more than a pure list on a piece of paper. It's more than how many benefits I can count on my hands. It's more than I even know it is. It's a feeling deep inside of me that gives me confidence. In all reality, it is a state of being. It is how I carry myself.

For example, after not having attended LDS Church meetings in over a year (except for special occasions, like Mother's Day) I attended our ward's Christmas party with my family this past December. My Bishop was there (have I told you about my Bishop? I'll have to someday). Let it be said for now that our past was full of anger and resentment, but that we agreed to disagree. I tried my best to forgive him (and I feel that I have) but that doesn't mean I have to talk to him, or reach out to him, or be his best friend or neighbor. However, I encountered him at the party and chatted with him very briefly. In the past, before I was "out", I had this vision of my Bishop as this all-mighty, wise being who knew exactly how to help and comfort me. I thought that he was infallible. I saw him as having authority because I gave him that authority; it was my perception that he had control over not only my salvation, but my happiness as well. I put myself in a situation where I was dependent on him and ended up getting disappointed. I saw myself as less than him: after all, I was a homosexual and he was a Bishop - a Bishop! Needless to say, my perception of our relationship had him up on this pedestal looking down on me - because I put him there. And that was wrong of me.

Anyway, during our brief chat at the ward Christmas party I felt, for the first time in my life, like his equal. I felt like I was just as important to Heavenly Father as he was. I felt like he didn't have authority over me any more - because I chose not to give it to him. I felt like I was in the right and could defend myself against, yes, even a Bishop. I felt like we were on a level playing field; that his rules didn't apply to me because I was playing a different game than he was.

And to feel that feeling of confidence and contentment made me feel happy.

That's not to say that I look down on my Bishop. I just respected him for who he was while asserting my right to live my life the way I wanted to. And I realized that that's okay. We don't have to agree. That's part of life. It is not my job to please everybody.

And it was choosing to "come out" a year ago that gave me the confidence to feel that way during that brief exchange with my Bishop. It was cordial, nothing to deep, but I felt happy and content. I couldn't have done that if I still felt dependent on him for my happiness; if his approval meant more to me than actually living my life. "Coming out" helped me to assert my independence, to increase the amount of love I show myself, and to increase my self-respect.

And, in essence, those are the two words I would use to describe "coming out": self-respect. Letting go of all the baggage and accepting yourself wholeheartedly without pre-conditions, unapologetically and even aggressively.

If you are still in the closet, I would urge you to "come out." However, it needs to be when you are ready. It needs to be because you want to, and not because someone else wants you to or because you want to "rebel" against someone who is against it. Prayerfully consider it. Treat it with care; you teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. If you approach it with respect and sensitivity, so will others. If you "come out" but play a victim, others will treat you as a victim. Please don't do that. "Coming out" means that you are not ashamed of who you are; you are not a victim! You deserve to be happy and victims aren't happy people. Be happy! Show others that you love and respect yourself.

Now, I have recently discovered some new instrumental music that I want to share with you. This is my way of celebrating. It helps me to feel inspired, powerful, and successful. I know that it will inspire you as well.

I want to express specifically how I feel about this first song. It is called "The Gravel Road" from The Village. If you haven't seen the movie, I don't want to ruin it for you, so stop reading. Now, the plot of the film is that there is this secluded village in modern America whose inhabitants live as if it were still the 1700's. The elders of this Amish-like group instill a fear in the rest of the village by telling them horrific stories of monsters that lie in the woods that encircle the village. Often, the villagers are attacked by these monsters, and their fear keeps them isolated. A blind girl in the village decides to go out to find some help for those who were attacked by the monsters and along the way she comes across some challenges, risking her life when the "monster" attacks her (The "monsters" are actually costumes that the elders dress up in to keep the fear instilled in village people). But she picks up her walking stick, brushes herself off, and keeps going. She eventually comes to this stone wall with a door recessed into it. She opens the door and steps out onto a 20th century highway. In essence, her eyes have been "opened" and she is no longer blind (literally and figuratively) to the lies and deceit that kept her secluded from the rest of the world due to fear.

I feel like that is what "coming out" is like. You feel blind, lost along the way. You are fearful of what lurks in the woods, what pains you might have to confront to venture into their shadowy arms. You have these challenges that sometimes you can't see, but you can feel them, you can sense them. And you give these challenges a run for their money! You feel like you are all alone, but you have prayer to help you, much like a walking stick. When you come to that stone wall, it's stature so intimidating, you open that closet door and jump out into the real world. You are no longer blind. That doesn't mean you see everything, but that you welcome the opportunities that come your way. You now realize that the fear you and others held about you discovering what was beyond that door were without merit. It would be understandably hard to adjust from an 18th-century lifestyle to a 20th-century one, much like adjusting from a straight, closeted life to an "out", open life is. But it's a welcome opportunity. The destination at the end of The Gravel Road is yours.

This is what the journey down the gravel road feels like:



This is what I feel when I see that closet door, approaching it with every footstep. I can't believe the moment is here, and I almost want to stay in the moment forever. Everything is happening in slow motion, then the gravity of the situation hits me (from Michael Clayton):



This is what it feels like when I open that closet door: still scared, overwhelmed, so much to take in, but hopeful. Much like Tom Hanks' character at the end of the movie Cast Away, I have a blank slate and I can start all over again:



This is how it feels to finally meet My Love beyond that stone wall (From The Cider House Rules):



...And this song, from The Fountain, describes every part of the journey:

Evidence of Hate

The following is an actual text messaging conversation I had with a friend from high school last Saturday, the same night as the Priesthood session of General Conference (I, myself, did not attend). I will not comment much because I think it speaks for itself to the kind inner turmoil LGBT Mormons experience - it's just sad. It also speaks to the hatred of self and others that is taught and communicated in subtle ways in LDS culture.

I will not reference him by name, because I don't believe in "outing" people, even though I am 99.9% positive that no one who reads this even knows who this person is. However, he contacted me in late May/early June of this year to "come out" to me; if I remember correctly, he looked at my Facebook account and saw that I had "come out" and thought I would be a safe resource. I offered to introduce him to the Matis Firesides and other safe "family" functions, and he has yet to take me up on the offer. He also revealed to me an experience he's had with another guy. Recently, he has commented that he is actually bisexual. He is a member of the LDS Church and has communicated to me that he wants to get married to a woman in an LDS temple.

Warning: The conversation we had contains mutliple four-letter words and a gay slur. Also, it is rife with errors, which I will not correct because who ever really texts "properly?"

ME: Did you go to Priesthood session?

SAD FOOL: Sure did! Haha. Didn't pay attention

ME: I am hoping so badly that a softer stance will be taken tomorrow. It just takes one talk

SAD FOOL: Softer stance on? I like Nelson and Holland. I listen to them! One day I want to be Nelson!

ME: On gay issues. Be a heart surgeon?

SAD FOOL: Oh. I don't care about gay issues. Haha. Well a world famous surgeon who helps invent something.

ME: What did he invent? I am actually appalled that you don't care

SAD FOOL: He worked on an artificial heart valve. Yeah, why should I care. I'm not here to get approval from them. If they don't like it they don't like it, that's their right. We have the same rights also so I don't care. [emphasis added]

ME: I agree to an extent. I'm not going to base my happiness on their approval. But I'll be damned if they're going to abuse their authority and take away my rights

SAD FOOL: Ha. They don't have authority to do so!

ME: Well they just did it in California.

SAD FOOL: Are you shitting me?!!? That was not because of the church! It fucking pisses me off when people say the church did that. A. They don't have the power to pass or veto laws and B. The majority of the the population caused it, the lds faith does not make up the majority of California!

ME: With 2% of the population of California being Mormon, you are right... They didn't have the force of votes. But that same 2% raised half of the money. And now they don't want blame. People in the Church have said that without the Mormons it wouldn't've passed. Heck, even the Catholic Church has said that.

SAD FOOL: And because those members did that it is the fault of the general authorities? I don't think so! People are dip shits and only see what they want to see! And just because they raised money doesn't mean that's the reason, they didn't pay anyone off! Why do they want to get married so bad anyhow? Not missing out on anything. That's what I hate most about faggs is they think the world owes them and that they are so picked on. Get over yourself! [emphasis added]

SAD FOOL: [before I could respond to the previous message] Plus whose to say it would have passed? No one knows! It didn't, and now we move on with our life.

ME: The first presidency asked people to donate of their time and means to passing Prop. 8. So yes, I can blame the General Authorities. You don't have to be rude

ME: (before he could respond to my previous message] You don't know what you are talking about. It DID pass. Prop 8 passing basically repealed marriage. It was legal before the election.

SAD FOOL: Well whatever, I don't care, and its old news. You shouldn't either, you don't live there so it doesn't even effect you.

SAD FOOL: [again, before I could respond...] People just want to blame someone so they blame the people that are right, its human nature. If the GA's asked that why didn't I hear about it, never asked me

ME: I will email you a link to the letter that was read aloud during sacrament meetings in California in June of 2008.

SAD FOOL: No thanks.

ME: [his name], can I honestly tell you what I think? I think that you are in such deep denial over having sexual attractions to men. That's why you dance for the MoTab. That's why you defend the Church when it's wrong. Despite the fact that you go to the gym to hook up with guys and get blow jobs. That's why you just called me a fag, because if you can label gays as "them" then you don't have to confront your same-sex attractions. I have been nothing but nice to you, and then you treat me like this tonight? I frankly don't deserve it and don't appreciate it. But I guess I know how you really feel.

SAD FOOL: Haha. And you know me so well and have a Ph.D. so you can say that. But you know what, I don't think anyone is at fault, that's just how the world goes, life isn't fair but that doesn't mean its yours, mine or anyones fault, we just have to move on and get over it. When I used the term fagg I'm refering to the gay people that think they are something special and are always picked on, if that's not you, which I don't think it is, then I'm not talking about you. I dance for the motab because I'm good and I can. There are non members that dance with us! If you think I'm being offensive then that is you're problem not mine. I just say what I think if you disagree so be it, but that's no reason to get offended. That's like me getting offended because someone doesn't like country music and they call me a hick because I do. I don't care, they can listen to whatever they want.

ME: You don't understand. I am calling your bluff. You want to have the best of both worlds. You want a blow job in a gym from a guy but also to get married in the temple and become like Russell M. Nelson! I mean, come on! And then you call gays fags, use the F word and other profanitites. You can't have it both ways, man. It's just not possible.

SAD FOOL: What does Nelson have to do with this? I can say and do whatever I want. It's called free agency, its a god given right.

ME: And I should have the agency to marry whomever I want, as long as he or she is of legal age. Say bye bye to Mr. Six-Pack BJ if you want to go the Church route. That's all I'm saying.

SAD FOOL: For your information I haven't even been to the gym in a month and I've had a bj once! But if you really want to know me, then you need to try harder and not guess at everything I do!

ME: I can only go by what you've told me I think you are taking out your [own] self-loathing on me and i don't appreciate it. It's called projection, you know that term you are a Psych major. I will send you that email.

SAD FOOL: Haha. Not even close! You sure you want to be a psychologist? What year are you in?

ME: You don't care about the Church's stance on gay issues because you don't see yourself as having same sex attractions, though you admit to being bisexual. You just want to "have fun" and then repent later so that you can get married in the temple.

SAD FOOL: No, no, that's not it. I know I have same attractions, and I rarely repent.

ME: Well your repentance is between you and the Lord. And I'm so over it, [his name]. Figure out what you want in life before you go doing whatever it is you do.

SAD FOOL: Haha. People are right, you're really dramatic! I'm not self-loathing, nor projecting. And I know what I want thanks!

ME: Well that's good to know! Thanks!

And that was the end of the conversation. I know I shouldn't have said some of the things that I did, but it freaking pissed me off that someone who experiences same-sex attraction would call others who do as well, "fags." Totally uncalled for, and that's what compelled me to say some of the things I did. Also, I have not sent him the link to the First Presidency letter; I figured I would just move on and not escalate anything further. We probably will not have contact again, although we are still friends on Facebook (as far as I know).

I think the best part about all of this is that, ironically, the headline on the front page of the Deseret Morning News the following Monday read something like, "LDS Urged to Contain Anger." How timely!

What do you think of our conversation?

"Because you scare me..."

I went to SLC Pride this weekend - a little rainy, but I've interpreted it as "braving the storm." For, in fact, isn't that what we've all done? We should be proud of ourselves for doing that.

However, I faced a storm when I got home. You see, I had explained to my mom well ahead of time that I was going to the Pride Festival (as I had done the year before), but I did not explain this to my dad for two reasons. I figured that he would know I was gone but not know where I was going (as usual - which is TOTALLY fine), and I also figured that he would get angry and perhaps not let me go. So I figured that I would have to confront him with the truth when I got home. I didn't want to, but I knew it would be a possibility.

When I returned home, the only person there was my older brother who was napping in the basement. So I went to my room and straightened it up and started to watch TV. When my dad got home, he came up to my room and talked with me. Our conversation, recreated to the best of my memory and ability:

"Where were you?"

"I was hanging out with friends."

"Who? What were you doing?"

"You don't know them. We chilled, watched a movie, went out to eat. [All true - but with different groups of people.]

"Oh okay... Well I know you were at this Pride thing they've got going on downtown."

"How did you know I was there?"

"Drew, don't you think I would know? Sure, I know! Why wouldn't I know where you were?"

"Did mom tell you?"

"No, she didn't tell me. I just knew. [pause] So these 'people' you were with - I assume they struggle with the same thing? Are these the people from that thing in Lehi?" [I still don't know how he knew. I don't believe that my mom told him.]

"Yeah, they are the ones from Lehi."

"Um... It really disappoints me that you went to that thing [Pride]. It completely goes against everything that I've taught you."

"You haven't even been to it before."

"That doesn't mean that I don't have an idea of what it's about."

"Oh, so you're passing judgment on something and, by default, onto me, that you only have an 'idea' about? That's not fair. That doesn't make sense to me."

"I'm not passing judgment, Drew. I'm just trying to help you. Look - there is one view on homosexuality as far as the world is concerned, and that view is put on for show at these things."

"Oh, really?! What is this 'one view'?"

"The world doesn't separate the feelings from the behavior. They think that it's one way or the other; that if you have these feelings then you must act upon them."

"So? Just because you disagree with them doesn't mean that there's only one view."

"Well, yeah there is but not according to the world. The only time I have seen a positive view put forward and encouraged was that one guy who wrote that book [Ty Mansfield, co-author of In Quiet Desperation]. What's his name? [I didn't tell him his name.] Well, anyway, that is the only example I can think of where gay people are encouraged to obey the commandments, stay celibate, etc... And that is sad. It's a total shame."

[I should've said something snarky like, "Well I think it's sad that half of all of Utah's homeless teens identify as LGBT and have been kicked out of their homes," but I didn't.] "Well it's the Church's own fault. It's published by the Church [vicariously] and is sold in Deseret Book [a church-owned store]. You can't put that onto anyone else. The Church publishes it but doesn't let people know that they sell it. I have to find out from another gay person, who found out from another gay person, etc... You remember the pamphlet, God Loveth His Children? Well the only advertising the Church did [that I saw] was in the Deseret News. Bishop ______ didn't even know about it - I had to tell him when I went to talk with him once. You would think that the Church would make a huge announcement about new literature it produces, especially about something as important as this. How would Bishop ______ not know about it? You would think they would make it known to their leadership if they produced something like that."

"I just don't think the world is ready for it yet. One day all of this will seem trivial because it will become a non-issue. But it hasn't happened yet."

"Dad, things are changing, and I want to be a part of it. It's a process; it doesn't just happen overnight. I'm not going to put my life on hold because the world's not ready for it yet."

[long pause]

"You know, Drew? This whole 'ASS' thing is taking its toll on me. It really is." [I'm not joking, either. He really said this.]

"'ASS' thing? 'SSA', you mean?" [laughing and rolling my eyes]

"Yeah, sorry: SSA. It just takes its toll, you know?"

"Uh, yeah... I know."

"And it really just upsets me when you wear your ring." [My ring is silver with a flat top, in which six small fake stones, each one a different color rainbow, are set.]

"Why?!"

"Because I don't think that it represents what you think it represents."

"Well what do you think it represents? What do you think when you see it?"

"I think it sends the message, 'Hey! Come have a good time! Yeah, come on over. Let's hook up and have a good time. I'm looking for somethin'.'"

"Well that's not what it means."

"Well that's what I'm saying - that you are sending the wrong message by wearing it. And I don't like you to wear it because I think that people who don't know you well enough will think that about you when it's not true."

"Well that's their problem, not mine."

"I just think that it does you a disservice. [long pause] Yeah, Drew, it just really shreds my heart when I see you wearing that ring. It really does. [short pause] It's like you're shoving it in people's faces!"

"What?! That doesnt' even make sense, Dad. You wear a wedding ring - does that mean that you're shoving your marriage down in people's faces? At work? At the gym? In Church?" [When I was talking with Scott earlier today, he made a comparison to a "CTR" ring that I could've used in my argument.]

"I just don't like it. In all my life, I have never seen another person wear a ring like that - not once. And yet you feel as if you must wear it. I don't understand that."

"Well you obviously don't know a lot of gay people then."

"Oh, that's bologna! You don't think I've seen gay people downtown? None of them feel like they need to wear a ring."

"Well I do. Besides, it's a ring - you don't just walk up to someone and check to see if they are wearing a ring. That's ridiculous."

"Well, no, but rings are noticeable. And yours would stick out like a sore thumb!"

[long pause]

"Dad, I would be willing to not wear my ring during a specific time, day, or place just for you. Do you want me to do that?

"No. Drew, I love you and I hope you know that. I worry about your safety. I just don't want you coming home one day beat up."

"I know. Love you, too."

[He comes over to the bed, where I am sitting, and gives me a hug. About five minutes later I walk down the stairs and he is smiling and getting ready to go to the family party at my relatives' house. My mom and sister are in the kitchen just around the corner.]

"Thanks for talking with me. I guess we just don't have very good communication. I want to have that communication with you. How come you tell mom things and not me sometimes?"

"Because you scare me..."

Famous Gays & Lesbians...

Just for fun, I searched the web for famous gays and I found out how little I actually knew regarding this topic; there are thousands! (Of course, those thousands include lesbians and bisexuals from all over the world.)

The site with the most complete list was, surprisingly, Wikipedia. People bag on Wikipedia all the time because it's "not reliable," but it has routinely been reliable for me in the past. Heck, fairly soon after the (latest) Chris Buttars "brouhaha" a few months ago Wikipedia had already added the information to his page and cited it to KTVX-4 (ABC 4, which broke the story). Hence, I say that Wikipedia is reliable, and this is my blog, so that's how it goes.

I have gone through Wikipedia's lists and consolidated the celebrities that I know. If you know of any that I have missed or any that may simply not be a celebrity to me (and hence I don't recognize and list them), please let me know and I'll add them. Let's have fun with this!

P.S. I am a cinephile (AKA "movie buff"). You may not know everyone on my lists - this is why I have provided links (and why this post took so long to write)!

Film Directors:

Pedro Almodovar (OSCAR; "Volver" & "All About My Mother")
Alejandro Amenabar ("The Others" & "The Sea Inside")
Clive Barker ("Hellraiser" series)
George Cukor (OSCAR; "My Fair Lady" & "The Philadelphia Story")
Stephen Daldry
Roland Emmerich
James Ivory ("The Remains of the Day" & "Howard's End"; Merchant-Ivory films)
Rob Marshall
John Cameron Mitchell ("Hedwig & the Angry Inch")
Victor Salva ("Jeepers Creepers")
John Schlesinger (OSCAR; "Midnight Cowboy")
Adam Shankman ("Hairspray" & "A Walk to Remember")
Bryan Singer
Gus Van Sant

Film Actors & Actresses:

Drew Barrymore
Marlon Brando (2 OSCARS)
Richard Chamberlain ("The Towering Inferno")
Montgomery Clift ("From Here to Eternity")
Alan Cumming
James Dean
Marlene Dietrich ("Morocco")
Divine ("Hairspray")
Rupert Everett
Harvey Fierstein ("Independence Day", "Mrs. Doubtfire")
Jodie Foster (2 OSCARS)
Stephen Fry ("Gosford Park")
Greta Garbo ("Grand Hotel")
John Gielgud (OSCAR; "Elizabeth", "Arthur")
Alec Guinness (OSCAR)
Nigel Hawthorne ("Amistad")
Anne Heche
Rock Hudson ("Giant")
Tab Hunter ("Damn Yankees")
Derek Jacobi ("Gladiator")
Michael Jeter ("Jurassic Park III")
Angelina Jolie (OSCAR)
Cherry Jones ("Signs"; originated the Sister Aloysius role in "Doubt" on stage)
Nathan Lane
Bai Ling ("Anna and the King")
Lindsay Lohan
Kristanna Loken ("Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines")
Jane Lynch
Miriam Margolyes ("Harry Potter" films)
Heather Matarazzo ("Saved!", "The Princess Diaries")
Kelly McGillis
Ian McKellen
Sal Mineo ("Rebel Without a Cause")
Kathy Najimy
Laurence Olivier
Anthony Perkins
Tony Richardson (2 OSCARS; father to Natasha & Joely Richardson)
Scott Rudin (OSCAR; producer: "Doubt", "There Will Be Blood")
Glenn Shadix ("Beetlejuice")
Fiona Shaw ("Harry Potter" films)
Lily Tomlin
Clifton Webb ("Titanic (1953)")
Paul Winfield ("Sounder")

TV Actors & Actresses:

Jillian Barberie (host of "EX-treme Dating")
Saffron Burrows ("Boston Legal")
Portia de Rossi
Andy Dick
Sara Gilbert ("Roseanne")
Tim Gunn
Neil Patrick Harris
Richard Hatch
Edward Hibbert ("Frasier")
Leslie Jordan ("Will & Grace")
T.R. Knight
Reichen Lehmkuhl (winner of "The Amazing Race" & Lance Bass' ex-boyfriend)
Harvey Levin (host of "TMZ")
Rachel Maddow
Megan Mullally
Max Mutchnick (producer of "Will & Grace")
Cynthia Nixon
Graham Norton (host of "The Graham Norton Show")
Rosie O'Donnell
Suze Orman
Sarah Paulson ("Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip")
David Hyde Pierce ("Frasier")
Robert Reed ("The Brady Bunch")
Charles Nelson Reilly (panelist on "Match Game")
Cesar Romero (Joker on TV's "Batman")
Adamo Ruggiero ("Degrassi")
Dick Sargent ("Bewitched")
Darren Star (creator of "Sex and the City")
George Takei ("Star Trek")
Jackie Warner ("Work Out")
B.D. Wong ("Law and Order: SVU")

Music:

Clay Aiken
Billy Joe Armstrong (of "Green Day")
Lance Bass
Melissa Etheridge
Boy George
Elton John
Janis Joplin
Liberace
Johnny Mathis
George Michael
Sinead O'Connor
Tegan & Sara
Carly Simon
Rufus Wainwright
Pete Wentz (of "Fall Out Boy")

Comedians:

Ant
Mario Cantone
Margaret Cho
Ellen DeGeneres
Wanda Sykes
Bruce Vilanch

Historical Figures:

Alexander the Great (profiled in the film "Alexander")
Cyrano de Bergerac (profiled in several works)
Caligula (Roman Emperor)
Edward II (King of England)
Hadrian (Roman Emperor)
Leonardo da Vinci (profiled in several works)
Michelangelo (profiled in the film "The Agony and the Ecstasy")
Marquis de Sade (profiled in the film "Quills")
Sappho (Greek poet in the B.C. era)

Authors:

Horatio Alger, Jr.
Michael Ausiello (columnist for "Entertainment Weekly")
James Baldwin
William S. Burroughs (profiled in the film "Running With Scissors", which he wrote)
Lord Byron
Truman Capote (profiled in the film "Capote")
John Cheever
Patricia Cornwell
Michael Cunningham
Ralph Waldo Emerson
E.M. Forster
Allen Ginsberg
Dorien Grey (a pseudonym for Roger Margason)
James Howe ("Bunnicula" series)
Langston Hughes
Chuck Palahniuk ("Fight Club")
David Sedaris ("Me Talk Pretty One Day")
Gertrude Stein
T.H. White ("The Once and Future King" - OMGosh, my favorite book!)
Walt Whitman
Oscar Wilde (profiled in several works)
Virginia Woolf (profiled in the film "The Hours")

Politicians:

Barney Frank (D-Massachusetts)
Harvey Milk (profiled in the movie "Milk")
Gore Vidal

Composers:

Peter Allen ("Arthur's Theme"; divorced from Liza Minnelli)
Howard Ashman ("Aladdin", "The Little Mermaid")
Cole Porter (profiled in the film "De-Lovely")
Marc Shaiman ("Prop 8 - The Musical", "Hairspray (2007)")
Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Infamous:

Michael Alig (NYC club promoter & convicted murderer; profiled in the film "Party Monster")
Peter Bacanovic (Martha Stewart's stockbroker)
Joan Crawford (OSCAR; film actress)
Jeffrey Dahmer (serial killer)
Mark Foley (former R-Florida)
Annie Leibovitz (famous controversial photographer; took Miley Cyrus' virtue away)
James "Jim" McGreevey (former Governor of New Jersey; appeared on Oprah after gay affair)
Joel Schumacher (director; "Batman & Robin")
Matthew Shepard (murder victim; profiled in the mini-series "The Matthew Shepard Story")
Aileen Wuornos (serial killer; profiled in the film "Monster")

Fashion Designers:
Christian Dior
Marc Jacobs
Michael Kors
Isaac Mizrahi
Yves Saint-Laurent
Christian Siriano (winner of "Project Runway")
Gianni Versace

...and every other male fashion designer out there! JK JK

Screenwriters (Film & Television):

Alan Ball (OSCAR; "American Beauty", "Six Feet Under")
Greg Berlanti ("Brothers & Sisters")
Dustin Lance Black (OSCAR; "Milk", "Big Love")
Marc Cherry ("Desperate Housewives")
Bill Condon (OSCAR; "Dreamgirls", "Chicago")
Michael Patrick King ("Sex and the City")
Tony Kushner ("Munich", "Angels in America")
Don Mancini ("Child's Play"/"Chucky" movies)
Ryan Murphy ("Nip/Tuck")
John Waters ("Hairspray")
Kevin Williamson ("Scream")

Athletes (wait - there are gay athletes?!):

John Amaechi (former Utah Jazz player)
Rudy Galindo (championship figure skater)
Orlando Jordan (WWE wrestler)
Billie Jean King (tennis player; faced Bobby Riggs in the famous Battle of the Sexes match)
Greg Louganis (diver and Olympic-winner)
Martina Navratilova (tennis player)
Sheryl Swoopes (WNBA star)

Others:

Josephine Baker
Bruce Bastian
Nate Berkus (Oprah's go-to interior designer)
Chastity Bono (Cher's daughter)
Mary Cheney
Janice Dickinson (former model)
David Geffen (recording executive)
Sam Garrison (one of Nixon's many lawyers for his impeachment trial)
Kitty Genovese (crime victim; a crime studied by social psychologists, by the way...)
Steve Hildebrand (Obama's Deputy National Campaign Director)
Perez Hilton
James St. James (NYC "Club Kid")
Frida Kahlo (artist; profiled in the film "Frida")
Alfred Kinsey (biologist and sexuality researcher; profiled in the film "Kinsey")
David LaChapelle (media director; see his U.K. "Lost" commercial)
Bishop Gene Robinson (first openly-gay Episcopalian Bishop)
Samantha Ronson (Lindsay Lohan's ex-girlfriend)
Anna-Nicole Smith (model)
Andy Warhol (artist)

So... basically, without all these people, the entertainment industry wouldn't exist. Wel, it would exist but it would suck really, really badly!

Transitions and Why I Give Myself the Benefit of the Doubt

I have had a lot of closure in my life as of late. I came out on Facebook two weeks ago, I have basically moved out of my family's home, I have a job interview tomorrow that I am almost sure will secure me employment, and today was my last scheduled OCD therapy session.

Of course, some of these "closures" have opened up new opportunities that have given me new experiences; I feel like I am transitioning to something new every day, and I feel like I am not succeeding as much as I'd like. I feel like the Angels in Angels in America, who come to Earth to tell the human race that they are always constantly moving and changing, and that sometimes all that is needed is constancy and static; sometimes change is not good.

I don't mean to imply that I am not liking all these changes; on the contrary, most of them are welcome, although not all of them are easy. And despite most of them being welcome, that doesn't make them any more tolerable. It's just that I feel like all of these changes are happening to fast.

Oddly, though, I know for each and every one of these changes that now is the right time. I feel like God is guiding me and directing me; I look back at all the times I was frustrated when I didn't get a job after an interview; at all the times when I wanted to "come out" but someone or something held me back; at all the times when I didn't understand why I should go to USU when I had a better scholarship somewhere else; and see that I was being guided yet didn't know it at these times.

Looking back and realizing when and how I was guided has increased my testimony and my faith in His timing.

Of course, it is presumptuous to think that the job I am interviewing for tomorrow is mine. But I feel as though things will work out: if I get it, then great! And if I don't, then great! I know that His will is all that matters at this point, and that I just have to trust it. Trust Him.


To add more thoughts on my experience with OCD therapy...

I can't believe that the eight weeks are over! Before starting the therapy, I completed a three hour intake assessment. Following that, I received weekly treatment for eight weeks. And today, I completed the outtake assessment.

Completing the outtake assessment has opened my eyes to exactly how much improvement I have made in controlling my thoughts (obsessions) and actions (compulsions). During the outtake today, the person doing my assessment had my intake notes to guide her in the outtake process. Basically, she only asked me the questions that related to specific obsessions and compulsions that I had responded to at the intake. Honestly, I had forgotten how much this controlled my life. She was asking me questions about obsessions and compulsions that were a real part of my life before therapy but now seem foreign. In fact, they seemed foreign enough that sometimes I didn't even remember that they had ever existed!

This is so exciting to me! Now, I still have some bad days when I can't seem to control my obsessions or compulsions, but that's okay. Part of the therapy is facing the fact that real people have anxiety (obsessions) over things; in other words, OCD has no cure because if the definition were "no anxious thoughts" then everyone would have OCD. The best way to "cure" OCD is to train a person's mind to realize that it is okay to feel anxiety, but giving anxious thoughts too much credence will make them grow in number and frequency. Oddly enough, making a conscious effort to battle OCD actually makes the situation worse; the best way to "fight" OCD is to actually not fight at all. Another lesson that I learned was that anxiety fluctuates continually due to many factors: age, season, situations one faces or experiences, etc... Sometimes to have intense anxiety is perfectly normal and okay (such as in response to the death of a loved one).

I feel like a new person! Although I am still diagnosed as having OCD, it is currently in a mild state as compared to what it was eight weeks ago. For the longest time I couldn't comprehend why the Lord told me (through prayer) that I must go to USU; I had a better scholarship at another school, it is more expensive for me to live away from home, and it is quite inconvenient in so many ways. However, walking out of my seventh session it just hit me: I am here because I needed to receive this treatment. And what was the cherry on top? It was free!

The lessons I've learned have generalized to other areas of my life. I used to feel so frustrated with myself for having gay feelings and for being interested in gay-oriented movies, books, and topics. It used to cause me to experience so much discomfort, and I thought that it was because having these feelings and being interested in these things were inherently immoral. But now I know better. Of course I am going to be interested in these things: I am gay, after all! Wanting to watch Brokeback Mountain is a natural reaction for a gay individual from any background. It is no more surprising or immoral for a straight individual to have a desire to watch The Notebook or to read the book of the same name.

In short, the lessons I've learned from my OCD therapy experience actually helped me to give myself some credit. Honestly, before OCD therapy I thought that giving myself the benefit of the doubt would be a cop-out. I didn't like the idea because it made me feel as though I was weak and needed to rationalize what I was thinking or doing in order to make myself feel better. But now I know that people need to give themselves the benefit of the doubt sometimes just to keep themselves from exploding!

Interestingly, this concept relates to the Atonement. Realizing that we are not perfect (giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt) makes use of the Atonement because we are demonstrating to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that we know we are not perfect, that we know we need help, and that not only do we have knowledge of the Atonement, but that we have enough faith in it to put it to use in our lives. After all, it is only He that can heal our wounds and truly make us whole. And the shortcomings that fall through the cracks when we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt (which has a prerequisite of trying to meet Him halfway) will be forgiven if and when we pass our burdens and trials over to Him with faith.

Coming Out... For a Different Reason

I'm pretty sure that no one reads my posts. And anyone who did read them before I stopped posting for the past two months (almost three) is probably long gone. But part of why I have a blog is for me as well. It has a cathartic motive behind it; you know, writing your feelings down to get them out of your head! However, if you are reading this right now, please keep reading. It's for you as well.

I'm "coming out," but with something other than my sexual orientation...

I belong to another subgroup of the American population. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. (OCD), as do 4.3 million adults and children in this country. And like any other mental illness, it gets stereotyped (think Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets," or Tony Shalhoub's character in "Monk"). However, it presents itself in many different forms; it is expressed externally as well as internally.

I don't have issues with cleanliness; I don't need to open and close the door five times before I can walk into a room; I do not hoard items.

Those are all external expressions of OCD.

My expressions are internal: I count things.

To be more specific, I count words. I count them over and over and over again. I can't stop. If I ever have a break from my counting "duties" during the day it would last, at best, 1-2 hours. Heck, it has become so much of a habit that I can count while doing almost anything. But it wears me out beyond the breaking point.

If someone had control of my mind and wouldn't allow me to count I would go certifiably nuts. It would be unbearable! One of the worst things that someone could do to torture me.

As you can see, this is a HUGE problem!

I have "come out" to you with this because in addition to struggling with my sexual orientation, I want people to know that I struggle with this issue in my life as well. I know that everyone has the issues that they struggle with, and this is just another one of mine.

The following is something I wrote earlier today to express my feelings about my OCD:

"Struggling with my obsessions has cost me too much!

The first thing that you took away from me was my ability to read for entertainment. My magazine subscription has all but been wasted because of you. I haven't read a novel of my choice for years because I've been too intimidated to even try.

I can't enjoy the simple things in life because of my obsessions. A quiet drive is never an option for me because you are always annoying me and getting into my head. It's hard to fall asleep sometimes because I feel like I have to appease you first.

Because of you, I beat myself up for trivial things that are really not a big deal; things not worthy of the amount of time and energy I focus on them. God forgives people, even people like me.

You have caused me to become increasingly self-conscious, which has gotten to the point that it's too much of a good thing. I am my own person, and I have the right to love my whole self.

Everything, from hanging with my friends to watching TV to listening to music, has been hard for me because you hog all my attention; my attention span is too short for me to enjoy these things.

The simple, sweet, and very real joy of prayer has been degraded to a ritual because of you. Heavenly Father is more powerful than you. Despite what you tell me, He hears my prayers and understands what I'm trying to say, even if I don't say it quite right.

I am afraid to work in the profession I trained for because of you. It took me 18+ months of hard work, schooling, and training that have already cost me too much. You have conditioned me to doubt my own abilities.

You have cost me mental and physical energy trying to satisfy your demands. I get tired in every way because of you, and I am not able to do the things I want, much less the things I need, because you demand constant attention.

I have begun to question my sanity because of you. I often think of myself as a bad person, a weak person because I can't even control my own thoughts.

You have taken away my agency, to a degree. I can no longer choose to make "today" a good day because I know you will show up to ruin it. You have overstepped your boundaries. And I'm sick of it! You have no right.

I have tried several things over the last 7 years to get rid of you:

"Flooding" myself with words has not drown out you influence.

Attempts to keep my thoughts racing in order to stop myself from focusing on one word for too long have failed.

I've tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I have power over you; that I have the will-power to push you out.

I've prayed to Heavenly Father many times to help me get rid of you, but you're still here.

Medicating myself with prescription drugs and going to see therapy have also been options I have taken a stab at, but even those costly methods have seen your presence remain in my life."

The link above will take you to WebMD, where you can learn more about this issue. I have told you about my compulsions, the behaviors I perform to get rid of my anxieties, but I will not tell you about my obsessions, which are the anxieties I experience. They are too personal. However, as you have probably guessed, some, but very few, surprisingly, have to do with my sexual orientation.

PLEASE browse the WebMD OCD website to educate yourself about this illness!