I have been reminded through recent experiences that life is full of disappointments. It seems as if the past few days have literally come from Hell. You know how it is - someone or something disappoints you and it starts the Domino Effect; it all happens at once.
Within the past few days, three close family members have made negative comments about gaays; two of them know that I am gaay. First, one of them told me that gaays just, "...need to get over it." Second, one of them recently had his best friend "come out" to him; he no longer wishes to be his friend. And last, one of them called me a, "...fag!" directly. He later apologized, and I accept his apology, but it's still hard to ignore because all these statements came at me within a 24-hour period.
This has been on my mind the past few days because, prior to these comments, I was thinking about "coming out" to my extended family soon, but can't out of respect for certain family members who aren't ready to accompany me on that journey yet. Two of the comments above were made by extended family members. But I still have hope, given the response I received when they found out that I had decided to not serve a mission.
My philosophy on "coming out" is a little different from most others'. Usually, I will only tell someone that I'm gaay if he or she asks me about my orientation directly; I will not go out proactively informing others of my orientation. This general rule, however, would need to be broken if I am to "come out" in regards to my not serving a mission, as I would be sharing the information willingly without being asked specifically about it...
You see, I want to be honest when I get the, "Why not serve?" question from people; I think that this is a perfect opportunity to "come out" to extended family and friends in the neighborhood and ward. I'm constantly stressing about not going on a mission because my birthday is in January and people are starting to bring it up in conversation; they assume that I'm going. It is very uncomfortable to have to tell them that I'm not serving because I know what the first thing popping into their minds is: that I slept with a woman . It is incredibly irritating - they assume the worst, and it isn't even remotely close; yes, REALLY, I slept with a woman . Please, save it for the next guy.
So, why exactly do I want to come out? Another MoHo recently asked me this, and it got me thinking...
Reason #1: Not Hiding Anymore
I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have to hide certain behaviors or interests around people that don't know I'm gaay. I don't like censoring myself like this. I desire to be my true self.
Reason #2: Changing People's Attitudes
Most people would not even suspect that I'm "one of them." Some of my peers definitely would suspect it, while others would simply say, upon finding out, "Oh, okay. Whatever." However, most people in my neighborhood and ward would be completely surprised, as would my Surgical Technologist instructors. I feel that "coming out" to people in my neighborhood and ward would be a good teaching and learning opportunity. I can only hope that people's attitudes are expanded upon knowing that they have interacted with a gaay man for the past few years; that they will learn that there is nothing to fear.
Reason #3: Fulfilling and Validating Myself to the World
I AM important. I matter in this world. And this world is shared by us all, so I'm going to make the most of it. I WILL NOT be ashamed of who I am, for I have every right to be who I am. I WILL reach my full potential, and I can only do that if I am not only completely honest with myself, but with the world as well.
I won't be coming out the way I want to because of the family members who, as I mentioned, are not ready to accompany me on this journey. I will be "coming out," however, once I start school in January... it'll be a fresh start, and I don't want it to pass by.
Sometimes I think that that's all life is... a waiting game.
I heard the song, "Answer," by Sarah McLachlan today and it seems to have struck a chord. I am a great fan of hers, and her songs are so touching and always have an emotional impact on me. Here are a the lyrics and a video:
I will be the answer At the end of the line I will be there for you While you take the time In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground I will hold the balance If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life I won't break, I won't bend It will all be worth it Worth it in the end 'Cause I can only tell you what I know That I need you in my life When the stars have all gone out You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently Into morning For the night has been unkind Take me to a place so holy That I can wash this from my mind The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life I won't break, I won't bend It will all be worth it Worth it in the end 'Cause I can only tell you what I know That I need you in my life When the stars have all burned out You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently Into morning For the night has been unkind
Earlier this evening, I had the opportunity to attend an event at my former high school called, "Rachel's Challenge," and what a blessing it was!
Rachel Scott was the first student killed on April 20, 1999 at Columbine High School. Throughout her life, Rachel thought to herself and told others that she knew she was going to die early by homicide. This made her feel close to Anne Frank, whom she viewed as a hero (ironically, she was killed on Adolf's birthday). She filled her life with positive things and continued to be a friend to everyone.
At this presentation, several of her writings were shown, including an essay, journal entries, and doodles on her notebook. After her funeral was televised on CNN (its most watched event ever - at least at the time), a man from across the country called her father and told him about a dream he had been having for awhile. In this dream, the man saw a weeping woman, her tears falling to the ground. When her tears touched the ground, a glorious Columbine flower (Colorado's state flower) shot up. Rachel's father thought the man was crazy until he found her sixth diary (which was in her backpack when she was shot and had been held in police evidence for weeks). Although every entry of her's had been in writing, her (very last) entry on April 20, 1999 was a picture: two eyes in the top left corner and tears falling to the ground, a glorious Columbine flower shooting up. Rachel's father was stunned and lost his breath. Upon further examination, he discovered that there were thirteen empty tear drops located above the flower; at and below the top of the flower the tears were filled in to resemble bloood. Thirteen people were killed at Columbine High School that day.
After her funeral, her father started an organization calledRachel's Challenge. This organization is based on five challenges Rachel described in her diary.
Rachel always knew that she was destined for greatness. In her earlier years, she pulled back her dresser in her bedroom, traced her hands on it, and wrote the following message to the world: "These hands belong to Rachel Joy Scott and will someday touch millions of people's hearts." She has touched mine.
Furthermore, she had always said when she was younger that she would someday be a famous actress. That is about to come to fruition; her father has signed a deal with a Hollywood studio to bring her story to life. This movie will further her message and truly change the world!
To close, I will share my favorite quote of her's that was found doodled on one of her notebooks:
"I WILL NOT BE LABELED AS AVERAGE!"
What a great example for us to follow. If you do nothing else, dare to dream. Just like Rachel did.
I sincerely hope that this is not off-putting to any of you, but this is my time to brag! You see, I was recently featured in my city's newspaper, the West Jordan Journal, and I wanted my readers to at least have a link to the article. It conveniently serves as an introduction to my time at the National HOSA (Health Occupations Students of America) Convention that was held recently in Dallas, Texas. It is fairly short and covers some of the things I've already written about on my blog, but it's worth a look - but of course I would say that!
On Sunday night, I learned that my cousin Natalie is engaged to her Navy boyfriend Nathan. This is shocking news for several reasons. First, she is only one month older than me, which means that she is only eighteen years old at the moment. Second, her sister just barely got married in July of this year. Third, as far as I know, Natalie has met her fiance only a few times in person; he has been stationed in Florida for the past several months. They communicated by text message until he came home to Utah recently for a few weeks - and now she's got The Rock. And last, she and Nathan are moving to Washington State after they get married.
Now here's the good news: they are getting married on January 24th, 2009 - the day after my nineteenth birthday! You may be wondering why that's news at all, not to mention good news. It is good news because I have decided to not serve a mission; I may serve later, but I will not be serving from age nineteen to twenty-one. Therefore, her marriage will be a distraction for my relatives, and I may not receive as much (negative) attention for not serving! When I heard this, I breathed a sweet sigh of relief.
But it gets even better. My mother and her sisters went to "Swiss Days" (a craft fair of sorts) this weekend, and this is where the news of Natalie's impending wedding was divulged. Other family topics were discussed as well - including me and a possible mission. My mother said to her sisters, "Actually, Drew doesn't really want to go on a mission. In fact, he has decided to not go." All I can say is that I never would've had the courage to admit that to my relatives until the time came that it was already obvious that I wouldn't be serving. It's something that I stress and think about alot, and I especially worry about telling friends and neighbors in my ward. Judgment, it sometimes seems, is inevitable. Anyway, the reaction? My aunts responded positively; not positively as in they don't want me to serve, but as in they support my right to make my own decision. "I wish for him to go, but I don't think that any young man should be serving if he doesn't have his whole heart in it; I don't want to force him, because that's not a good situation," was my mother's follow-up statement. According to my mom, her sisters concurred. Obviously, this is great news because now that my relatives (at least my aunts, who will predictably inform their families) know that I won't be serving they most likely won't bother or badger me about the 'Why?" question. I'm frustrated that I'm not able to divulge certain information now, but I have full confidence that all will be revealed (and work out) in the end.
