The LDS Church, circa 1943

My only remaining grandparent (my dad's father) passed away on April 2nd this year, about thirteen months after his wife passed away. I now have no grandparents - and I feel cheated. My dad and his siblings have been sorting things out as far as who gets what, trying to clear my grandpa's house so that it can be sold.

Yesterday I noticed a pocket-sized book that looked pretty old, but in fairly good condition, sitting on one of the counters in our kitchen. It is about the size of a pocket-size LDS hymn book, with the title in black against a brown cover. I don't know why I glanced at it, but I did. (I suspect that it's because I have a mild interest in old editions of literature, such as my mom's nursing textbooks from the late 1970's/early 1980's.) Anyway, I flipped open the cover and in my grandma's distinctive cursive handwriting was written "Marlene Oliver." The title page indicated that it was published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in 1943, and a preface was written and signed by The First Presidency at the time, which consisted of Heber J. Grant, J. Reuben Clark, and David O. McKay.

This book is simply titled "Principles of the Gospel."

It is topically-based, much like the "Mormon Doctrine" book, and obviously the first thing I looked for started with the letter "H" - homosexuality. But this topic was not present in the book. So I just flipped through the book, browsing until I came upon the subject heading "Church and State" on page 246.

I read all that was written under this subject heading, and I will present it here - with my added italics. (Copyright to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints):

"Church and State

The Church stands for the separation of Church and State. The Church has no civil political functions. As the Church may not assume the functions of the State, so the State may not assume the functions of the Church. The Church is responsible for and must carry on the work of the Lord, directing the conduct of its members, one towards the other, as followers of the lowly Christ, not forgetting the humble, the poor and the needy, and those in distress, leading them all to righteous living and a spiritual life that shall bring them to salvation, exaltation, and eternal progression in wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and power. ***

"The State is responsible for the civil control of its citizens or subjects, for their political welfare, and for the carrying forward of political policies, domestic and foreign, of the body politic. For these policies, their success or failure, the state is alone responsible, and it must carry their burdens. All these matters involve and directly affect Church members because they are part of the body politic, and members must give allegiance to their sovereign and render it loyal service when called thereto. But the Church, itself, as such, has no responsibility for these policies, as to which it has no means of doing more than urging its members fully to render that loyalty to their country and to free institutions which the loftiest patriotism calls for.

"Nevertheless, as a correlative of the principle of separation of the Church and the State, themselves, there is an obligation running from every citizen or subject to the State. This obligation is voiced in that Article of Faith which declares: 'We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.'

"For one hundred years, the Church has been guided by the following principles:

"We believe that governments were instituted of God for the benefit of man; and that he holds men accountable for their acts in relation to them, both making laws and administering them, for the good and safety of society.

"We believe that no government can exist in peace, except such laws are framed and held inviolate as will secure to each individual the free exercise of conscience, the right and control of property, and the protection of life.

"We believe that all governments necessarily require civil officers and magistrates to enforce the laws of the same; and that such as will administer the law in equity and justice should be sought for and upheld by the voice of the people if a republic, or the will of the sovereign.

"We believe that religion is instituted of God; and that men are amenable to him, and to him only, for the exercise of it, unless their religious opinions prompt them to infringe upon the rights and liberties of others; but we do not believe that human law has a right to interfere in prescribing rules of worship to bind the consciences of men, nor dictate forms for public or private devotion.

"We believe that all men are bound to sustain and uphold the respective governments in which they reside, while protected in their inherent and inalienable rights by the laws of such governments; and that sedition and rebellion are unbecoming every citizen thus protected, and should be punished accordingly; and that all governments have a right to enact such laws as in their own judgments are best calculated to secure the public interest; at the same time, however, holding sacred the freedom of conscience.

"We believe that every man should be honored in his station, rulers and magistrates as such, being placed for the protection of the innocent and the punishment of the guilty; and that to the laws all men owe respect and deference, as without them peace and harmony would be supplanted by anarchy and terror; human laws being instituted for the express purpose of regulating our interests as individuals and nations, between man and man; and divine laws given of heaven, prescribing rules on spiritual concerns, for faith and worship, both to be answered by man to his Maker. ***

"We believe *** that murder, treason, robbery, theft, and the breach of the general peace, in all respects, should be punished according to their criminality and their tendency to evil among men, by the laws of that government in which the offense is committed. (D & C 134:1-6, 8; Message of the First Presidency, April, 1942)"

This stunned me! I hope it stuns you, too! It stunned me because this is in stark contrast to what the Church now voices in regards to the separation of Church and State, as well as in regards to politics in general.

I actually agreed with the majority of what was written in this section. I still have questions and thoughts, but this pretty much sums up what I feel in my heart. If I had read this in 1943 and was not a member of the Church at the time, I probably would've joined! It just aligns so well with what I feel has been conveyed to me by the Holy Ghost.

So, the question is: what happened?! What changed?! Why is the Church now voicing different principles? I don't understand, and I probably never will... Sigh.

I am disappointed and confused by my childhood faith. But at the same time, I am just overjoyed that I was led to see this passage in this book! I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I was meant to see this passage at this time. It has given me some clarity, some confidence, and some ground to stand on. I am truly blessed and grateful!

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

It's been a long time since I've posted - almost exactly two months. That doesn't mean that I have nothing to write or express; I have had many experiences since my last post that I could have shared, but I didn't. There are two main reasons for this: 1) Many of these experiences have been private and I want to preserve that nature of these experiences, and 2) I feel as if my struggle has been winding down; I have much more peace than I used to have, and I like who I am, wholly and unforgivingly. I still have struggles sometimes with regards to my orientation - but who doesn't? I have accepted that nothing will ever be completely stable or resolved. That's just the nature of life - and there's nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, I have been moved to share the following with you, which is the main reason why I'm writing this post.

I used to make fun of the "band geeks" in high school for being obsessed with Josh Groban. The only song of his that I had heard at that point was, "You Raise Me Up," and I thought it was uber-cheesy. Therefore, I didn't see what was so special about him except that he was the only young guy I knew that seemed to target the 40+ year-old female demographic. That's not something that young guys did, that was something that Neil Diamond did, so I made fun of Josh Groban.

Well, I hope those "band geeks" can forgive me, because Josh Groban is amazing. I've had many neat experiences that involve his songs.

One of these experiences happened when I was driving on my way to work. I had been listening to "The Secret" on CD, and turned it off at a concluding point, something to the effect that, "Believing is the most important step in the 'Ask, Believe, Receive' process." [As a side note, the process is based in scripture: Mark 11:24] The moment I turned off the CD my car stereo immediately flipped on the radio to the station I was listening to the last time I had been listening to the radio. The song that was playing on this station was, "Believe," by Josh Groban. It happened to be in the middle of the song and the first line of lyric that I heard was, "You have everything you need if you just believe."

I was stunned. I have had enough experiences like this to know without a doubt that nothing happens without reason. Everything has meaning.

Most recently, I have been listening to, "You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)," a lot more than I used to. It has taken on meaning in my life. I feel the power of the lyrics not just because they are poetic and beautiful, but because I feel like I could have written these lyrics. I know how Josh Groban feels when he sings them. I know how it feels to say, "When your heart's heavy/ I, I will lift it for you/ Don't give up/ Because you want to be heard/ If silence keeps you/ I, I will break it for you."

To My Angel: Don't give up, because You are loved.

Tender Mercies

My life has been abundant in tender mercies lately, and I feel like I need to write them down so that I'll never forget them. In fact, I did start to forget some of the details when a friend started chatting with me on Facebook asking me about my status update (it had read, "Drew Stelter feels so blessed and happy right now that he just wants to hug everyone!"). I'm glad he did, because it forced me to talk about my experiences and keep them in my memory so that I could write a post about them. Now, isn't that a tender mercy in and of itself?! ;)

It all started on the third of April, when Iowa legalized gay marriage. I could not believe it! I just could not understand; wasn't the nation supposed to follow in California's footsteps? How could this happen so soon after we had lost the Proposition 8 battle? It was purely amazing, and it lifted my heart.

Then, on the seventh of April, my Adolescent Psychology course was discussing Human Sexuality. We discussed Restrictice, Semi-Restrictive, and Permissive Societies, changes over time, and gender attitudes towards sex. As I was sitting in class, I desperately wanted to ask the question, "Do all of these statistics and trends we're discussing apply equally to heterosexuals and homosexuals?" but I didn't. However, the last half hour of class was spent discussing "Sexual Minority Youth." My professor was so respectful and protective of the classroom environment at this time, and I felt safe to express my opinions (although people in my course do not know that I'm gay. How would they know?). I shot my professor a quick but thoughtful email expressing my gratitude for her actions that day.

After returning from my courses, I quickly browsed the internet before heading home (to accompany my best friend and his family to the MTC; he is serving a mission in the Phillippines). To my surprise, the headlines stated that Vermont had just legalized gay marriage. When I first saw the headline, I started to tear up. I exerted some behavioral control (although my mind was going absolutely wild) and read the news stories about it on several sites. Again, how could this happen so soon after Proposition 8? What does this mean for the rest of the country? This time it was a unanimous decision by the legislature - that had never happened before! I smiled as I realized that the argument of "judicial activism" just had a HUGE hole blown through it, even though Iowa had legalized gay marriage through the courts. And so soon after Iowa?! I couldn't believe that the headline I was reading was real.

Suffice it to say that I spent more time on the internet than I would have liked, although it was a special occasion, wouldn't you think? ;)

My mix CD playing through the car stereo as I exited Sardine Canyon, I started to think about what day my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on, wanting to do something to celebrate this important day. I tried to think it through in my head but I couldn't figure it out. So I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and looked at it's calendar: my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on Easter! I started to tear up at this realization. Immediately, I took it as a validation that my "coming out" was indeed directed by my Heavenly Father and that this was His way of winking at me. Then He reminded me of His love for me: the moment I realized that Easter was the date of my one-month anniversary, the song that was playing through my stereo ended and a new song started: "He Loves Me" by Hilary Weeks. If the realization was a wink, then this was a big, fat bear hug! I lost it at this moment; it wasn't until I reached at least Ogden that the flow of my tears trickled off. What's more is that I had been praying for a while to have a good cry - and I was glad that my cry consisted of happy, not sad, tears. (I will blog about my Easter experience in a later post, as the "fallout" is still happening.)

That night, I decided to read my Patriarchal Blessing (PB). This was important to me because I had meant to read it the last time I was at home and I had forgotten to do it. So I was making a conscious effort. I'm sure you all have had similar experiences where you read your PB for the first time in months (maybe even years) and something in it has attained new meaning since the last time you had read it. This is what happened to me. I will share a brief part of my PB (paraphrasing), as it is important to the rest of the story. It stated that I "will have a special family here in mortality." That statement got me to thinking, "Will my temporal family here on Earth be different from my eternal family after the Judgment? Who will be in this special family with me? What will it look like?" Whatever the answer was, I decided that the word special just had to mean unconventional... What else could it mean?

The next day, I accompanied my best friend and his family to the Provo MTC. His family had a surprise waiting for them when they walked through the door: his mom's sister-in-law and her son (my best friend's cousin), whom they had not seen in twelve years, were in the forum of the MTC; his cousin was entering the MTC the same exact day he was! Anyway, my best friend's mom was introducing everybody, obviously, as nobody looked the same as they had twelve years earlier. When she got to me, she introduced me as, "...Drew, Jason's best friend. But we consider him family; he is my son, too!" Then she turned to me and said, "Isn't that true Drew? Your mom can share!" Later, after we left the MTC, I was able to have a private conversation with her because Jason's brother had taken a ride with his grandmother. She told me that she didn't mind that I'm not serving a mission (as I am "out" to Jason and he told her not to bug me about going). She also talked about how grateful she was for my friendship with Jason, how grateful she was that I treated Jason's little brother well. She also reaffirmed to me that she thought of me as family. Indeed, when we arrived at Jason's grandmother's house, they all treated me like family.

As we left Jason's grandmother's house, we drove past this absolutely huge mansion. It had a sidewalk paved in its front and back yards so a golf-cart could be driven on a smoot surface! It was incredible, and it rivals (maybe even dwarves) the houses on Walker Lane. His grandmother told me that Bruce Bastian used to live there, but that since he became divorced his wife now resides there. (Before this had all happened, I attended Scott's party for the first time in March. To my surprise, he lives literally ten houses down from the house I grew up in as a child! What a small world!) I had a smirk on my face as I drove past that house, grateful that the man who used to live there had donated $1,000,000 to defeat Proposition 8. What a small world it is!

When we had arrived at Jason's home and were all settled inside, his grandmother gave me a stern look. "Now, Drew, just because Jason is on his mission doesn't mean that you can't talk to me anymore! I want you to call me the next time you are in Salt Lake and come visit me." I replied that I didn't have her number and she said, "Well, pull out your phone and I will give it to you!" Then, Jason's mom walked in and Jason's grandmother commented, "Drew knows what he's got to do, now." His mom asked, "What is that?" And Jason's grandmother looked at me and said, "He'll tell you." So I told her.

This whole experience got me to thinking about whether or not Jason's family could be my special family. I though, "How could they not be? I read my PB last night and the mention of my family is one of two things that popped out to me. And then I hear these comments today? Yeah, something's here." But I also got to thinking that, "...maybe my MoHo family could be my family. These are the people who really understand me, who really know what I'm going through, who don't tell me that I'm going to Hell." Right now, I do not know which of these is my special family, but it doesn't really matter. After all, if my family is supposed to be unconventional, then why can't I have two? ;)

The next day was also a great day in my Adolescent Psychology course. The University's GLBT Student Services office provides GLBT Panels for professors that request them, and my awesome professor requested one, so the entire hour-and-a-half period was spent listening to two gay men, one lesbian, and two bisexual women talk about their stories and experiences in this world - and all but one had been brought up LDS. I so desperately wanted to get up there and join them (after all, it was very informal - they would've let me) but I figured that there was a time and a place for these types of things, and that it was my time to listen. It was all very educational, and I learned a lot about myself through their experiences. The one thing that stuck out to me was something they called, "Queer Bounce." Apparently, Queer Bounce occurs after someone "comes out," and is described by his or her fulfilling the stereotypes that he or she sees in society. It is basically a rebellion stage where an individual totally loses the values and morals he had because he has felt repressed/oppressed from expression his true self. It is called a "bounce" because the individual eventually returns to the same values and morals he once had, although he has since integrated the characteristics of his "new" self. I have noticed some of that appearing in myself, and I so pray that I maintain my dignity and respect. I do not want to be that type of person. But at the same time, I understand that it is a relatively natural and universal occurrence and should be expected in some capacity and form. Sigh.

I am so thankful for these tender mercies in my life. They were great reminders to me of His unconditional love, and that he works through all people and all things to bring about his plan. I just read Scott's newest post and am grateful that the Lord has been helping him as well - in fact, He helps each and every one of us. We just have to look - He is there.

Finally... Peace

I had a spiritual experience the other night that was purely amazing, and I feel confident in what I was blessed with and how my prayers were answered.

The other night I felt this urge to go to Denny's by myself and ponder about my life, my choices, my future, etc... I pulled into the parking lot and said a prayer, asking Heavenly Father if He would please bring those things to my mind that I should be pondering, to guide my thinking, to make things clearer to me, and to bring me some closure, some peace of mind.

As I was sitting in the restaurant (at 2/2:30 a.m.) the moment hit me like a rock. I was supposed to be here on this day, in this restaurant, at this time. I felt peaceful, loved and cared for by Him. My heart was full with joy and gratitude because He was reminding me of all the blessings I had received throughout my life, despite the trials and hardships I had endured.

When I got home, I thought that the moment was over; it wasn't. I wanted to listen to my iPod as I fell asleep, something I usually do, but I just felt that doing that on this night was not right. As I was in my room I felt the urge to pick up an LDS quote book and read the quotes selected for Friday and Saturday: "Covenants and Oaths" & "Preserve Your Divine Heritage." After that, I noticed The Secret placed on my nightstand; I picked it up also, flipping to a random page. The page I flipped to described the trials of a gay man and how he used "The Secret" to be happy and positive:

"His whole life changed because he changed from focusing on what he did not want, what he was afraid of, what he wanted to avoid, to focusing on what he did want."

I again flipped the page randomly and the following was written:

"If you do just a little research, it is going to become evident to you that anyone that ever accomplished anything, did not know how they were going to do it. They only knew they were going to do it."

I flipped the page randomly for the last time and the following was written:

"Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive - Matthew 21:22" (emphasis added)

I knew that I was meant to see those three passages at that exact moment, and I was grateful that he was guiding me in my pondering.

I got into bed and laid down on my back and prayed once more. It was the most amazing moment I have ever experienced. I realized that I had been following The Secret principles throughout the night: I wanted peace and to be guided, so I prayed for peace, to be guided - and I experienced a feeling of peace, and I was being guided by Him.

I did not decide what to pray about; rather I listened for the promptings as to what I should pray about. After a few stumped moments I felt that I had three specific people that I needed to forgive, that I needed to address them through prayer; it was weird because I didn't even think about who they might be: I knew exactly who these three people were. I proceeded to address these people as if I was talking directly to them. I told them I was sorry for them because of _____. I told them how I am choosing to forgive them for what they did (or neglected to do). That healing experience was something I never could have done by myself, and the fact that it finally happened was an answer to a prayer; He knew that it was time to heal.

I prayed about how I was saddened that the three out of four people in my family who have died have all been those who I was really close to: my great Aunt and both of my grandmothers. (My great Aunt Norma lived her life solo, something that I may have to go through, and can't even imagine at this moment. My Grandma Christensen was fairly independent. She told people exactly what she felt, but at the same time being someone who knows how hard life is. She went through her own trials, and would certainly admit that she wasn't perfect. My mom has told me that she knows only two people who would go to the movies by themselves: me and my Grandma Christensen. I grew closer to my Grandma Stelter as I got older. I got her hooked on Lost and me and her were avid supporters of Barack Obama (although she lamented Hillary Clinton's loss)). At that moment, something changed. I look back and realize that subconsciously I knew that something was odd. I leaned up and looked around the room more than once, but I could not see anyone or hear anything. However, I knew that there was a different spirit in the room; my room had literally transformed into a Holy Place. I felt as though everything that was happening in the world was going on in my room. It was so surreal. I was reliving the last moment I had with my Grandma Stelter, and I was blessed that she had remembered my name, her relationship to me, and what I was doing in life; days later she would die. A connection existed between us the other night that I cannot deny. It was testified to me that she still knew who I was; she knew what was going on right now in my life; she knew the choices I've made and the choices I face. She testified to me that I was not alone - that she was with me and wanted me to be happy.

Later during my prayer, relating to the quotes above, it was testified to me that whatever happens, I was going to be happy. I didn't know how I was going to be happy, how I was going to find that happiness, all I knew is that I was going to be happy. I didn't know what that happiness entailed, all I knew is that I was going to be happy.

The only thing that left me confused was something that I know was testified to me; why I am confused is because I'm wondering why something like that would be testified to me. It was testified to me that at this time in my life, the Church is doing me more harm than good; that I am not meant to be involved with it at this time. I know that it does not mean an abandonment of Gospel principles, but rather an involvement with the Church. I know that this was testified to me. And yet, at the same time, it was testified to me that I am going to be happy. I didn't know what that entailed, how it was going to come about; all I knew was that I was going to be happy. Both of these things were testified unto me. Whatever the contradiction, I know that He will guide me and it will all work out.

I finished by asking the Lord to bless me with peace, completeness, and wholeness, and I trusted that it would come; I behaved as though I had already received it. And I did receive it from Him.

When I woke up the next day I was no longer angry about most of the things I was angry about before this experience. The past no longer mattered to me. I read the news headlines without any anger. I thought about anger-producing things and I felt no anger. I was peaceful and content.

And yet again, the next night (last night) I felt the prompting to pray again, that the prayer the night before went incomplete. I laid in bed wondering what could possibly be left to say, as I had felt amazing things the night before and all felt right to me. I felt the prompting that there was one more person that I needed to forgive, that I had neglected to forgive this person the night before. I tried to think about who this person was, but I could not place a finger on it. It was in stark contrast to the night before, where I had immediately known who the three specific people were that I needed to forgive. But the Lord let me know that the person I still needed to forgive was myself. I asked the Lord to guide my thoughts to the things that I needed to forgive about myself, and He let me know. I accepted the things about my past; I accepted that fact that I had no control over my past, that I could not re-write history; I accepted all the trials that I've gone through, and was grateful for how they changed me; I accepted my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and realized that they are not deficits in my person. And most of all, I accepted the fact that I am a Beautiful Creature of value and worth; that I am a Child, even a Son, of God, and that God's love is unconditional and He will always have love for me.

I wish I could relive the past two days over and over and over again. It sounds cliche, but I feel totally comfortable dying now; I trust Him and trust His plan for me. I can't see the big picture like He can, but I know that if I trust Him, then I can experience those things that He wants me to experience, and for my betterment.

I really don't know what is going to happen next, but I welcome it because I trust His promise that I am going to be happy.

After reading this, please do what He tells you to do, what He prompts you to do. Trust him.