At the End of the Gravel Road

This past Friday (March 12th) was a huge day for me. It was my one-year "coming out" anniversary.

I never thought this day would come. When I was a teenager, there was a time when I didn't think I would live to see myself graduate, much less enter my twenties and see my one-year "coming out" anniversary. But I've pulled through. I've survived.

Being open about my orientation has had many benefits, many of which are not quantifiable. As the anniversary was approaching, I tried to reflect on what it really meant to me. How it changed my life. And, to my surprise, I couldn't really think of anything specific except that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to be embarrassed if there is something about me that is a little more effeminate than your average white, heterosexual male. Other than that, I really can't think of anything. That doesn't mean that it wasn't worth it, or that it wasn't a big deal - it was a big deal. It is a big deal for anyone who's ever done it.

Like I said, many of the benefits are not quantifiable; they are indescribable. It's more than a pure list on a piece of paper. It's more than how many benefits I can count on my hands. It's more than I even know it is. It's a feeling deep inside of me that gives me confidence. In all reality, it is a state of being. It is how I carry myself.

For example, after not having attended LDS Church meetings in over a year (except for special occasions, like Mother's Day) I attended our ward's Christmas party with my family this past December. My Bishop was there (have I told you about my Bishop? I'll have to someday). Let it be said for now that our past was full of anger and resentment, but that we agreed to disagree. I tried my best to forgive him (and I feel that I have) but that doesn't mean I have to talk to him, or reach out to him, or be his best friend or neighbor. However, I encountered him at the party and chatted with him very briefly. In the past, before I was "out", I had this vision of my Bishop as this all-mighty, wise being who knew exactly how to help and comfort me. I thought that he was infallible. I saw him as having authority because I gave him that authority; it was my perception that he had control over not only my salvation, but my happiness as well. I put myself in a situation where I was dependent on him and ended up getting disappointed. I saw myself as less than him: after all, I was a homosexual and he was a Bishop - a Bishop! Needless to say, my perception of our relationship had him up on this pedestal looking down on me - because I put him there. And that was wrong of me.

Anyway, during our brief chat at the ward Christmas party I felt, for the first time in my life, like his equal. I felt like I was just as important to Heavenly Father as he was. I felt like he didn't have authority over me any more - because I chose not to give it to him. I felt like I was in the right and could defend myself against, yes, even a Bishop. I felt like we were on a level playing field; that his rules didn't apply to me because I was playing a different game than he was.

And to feel that feeling of confidence and contentment made me feel happy.

That's not to say that I look down on my Bishop. I just respected him for who he was while asserting my right to live my life the way I wanted to. And I realized that that's okay. We don't have to agree. That's part of life. It is not my job to please everybody.

And it was choosing to "come out" a year ago that gave me the confidence to feel that way during that brief exchange with my Bishop. It was cordial, nothing to deep, but I felt happy and content. I couldn't have done that if I still felt dependent on him for my happiness; if his approval meant more to me than actually living my life. "Coming out" helped me to assert my independence, to increase the amount of love I show myself, and to increase my self-respect.

And, in essence, those are the two words I would use to describe "coming out": self-respect. Letting go of all the baggage and accepting yourself wholeheartedly without pre-conditions, unapologetically and even aggressively.

If you are still in the closet, I would urge you to "come out." However, it needs to be when you are ready. It needs to be because you want to, and not because someone else wants you to or because you want to "rebel" against someone who is against it. Prayerfully consider it. Treat it with care; you teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. If you approach it with respect and sensitivity, so will others. If you "come out" but play a victim, others will treat you as a victim. Please don't do that. "Coming out" means that you are not ashamed of who you are; you are not a victim! You deserve to be happy and victims aren't happy people. Be happy! Show others that you love and respect yourself.

Now, I have recently discovered some new instrumental music that I want to share with you. This is my way of celebrating. It helps me to feel inspired, powerful, and successful. I know that it will inspire you as well.

I want to express specifically how I feel about this first song. It is called "The Gravel Road" from The Village. If you haven't seen the movie, I don't want to ruin it for you, so stop reading. Now, the plot of the film is that there is this secluded village in modern America whose inhabitants live as if it were still the 1700's. The elders of this Amish-like group instill a fear in the rest of the village by telling them horrific stories of monsters that lie in the woods that encircle the village. Often, the villagers are attacked by these monsters, and their fear keeps them isolated. A blind girl in the village decides to go out to find some help for those who were attacked by the monsters and along the way she comes across some challenges, risking her life when the "monster" attacks her (The "monsters" are actually costumes that the elders dress up in to keep the fear instilled in village people). But she picks up her walking stick, brushes herself off, and keeps going. She eventually comes to this stone wall with a door recessed into it. She opens the door and steps out onto a 20th century highway. In essence, her eyes have been "opened" and she is no longer blind (literally and figuratively) to the lies and deceit that kept her secluded from the rest of the world due to fear.

I feel like that is what "coming out" is like. You feel blind, lost along the way. You are fearful of what lurks in the woods, what pains you might have to confront to venture into their shadowy arms. You have these challenges that sometimes you can't see, but you can feel them, you can sense them. And you give these challenges a run for their money! You feel like you are all alone, but you have prayer to help you, much like a walking stick. When you come to that stone wall, it's stature so intimidating, you open that closet door and jump out into the real world. You are no longer blind. That doesn't mean you see everything, but that you welcome the opportunities that come your way. You now realize that the fear you and others held about you discovering what was beyond that door were without merit. It would be understandably hard to adjust from an 18th-century lifestyle to a 20th-century one, much like adjusting from a straight, closeted life to an "out", open life is. But it's a welcome opportunity. The destination at the end of The Gravel Road is yours.

This is what the journey down the gravel road feels like:



This is what I feel when I see that closet door, approaching it with every footstep. I can't believe the moment is here, and I almost want to stay in the moment forever. Everything is happening in slow motion, then the gravity of the situation hits me (from Michael Clayton):



This is what it feels like when I open that closet door: still scared, overwhelmed, so much to take in, but hopeful. Much like Tom Hanks' character at the end of the movie Cast Away, I have a blank slate and I can start all over again:



This is how it feels to finally meet My Love beyond that stone wall (From The Cider House Rules):



...And this song, from The Fountain, describes every part of the journey:

What I Know For Sure

I haven't blogged in a while because I have felt fairly depressed, more so than I have felt in a long time. I don't think that there is any one reason; rather, I feel that it is a combination of stressors that have been mixed together and baked in the oven too long!

Last Sunday, I was talking with a friend about these feelings and my guesses as to what the "ingredients" were that baked this burnt pan of brownies. He urged me to write down the things about life and the Church that I still agree with, or that I still believe - especially on a personal level, rather than on an "organized" level of faith.

I made a promise to him that I would, and I am someone who likes to keep my promises. So that night at work (having worked the graveyard shift - all alone, I might add... SCARY!) I utilized that opportunity to write down my list. Here it is:

TENETS of MY FAITH:

--- God loves me unconditionally, AND He knows that I'm not perfect - and He's okay with that! So why shouldn't I be okay with that?

--- My personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is more important than any one church. I believe He knows that about me.

--- I know that Truth is found in every corner of this world - in its people, its places, its things. Truths can be found in most or all religions as well. There is Truth in the sun rising every single day without fail; there is Truth in a smile from a passerby, which brightens my day; there is Truth in the power of Love. I intend to find those Truths, wherever they may be.

--- Christ is, indeed, the Savior of the World and I owe it to Him to meet Him halfway.

--- Daily conversations with God are up to me, and He always picks up the phone to listen. Prayer is a pillar of my faith.

--- The Constitution is, indeed, a Divinely-inspired document and I consider it scripture.

--- At the end of the day, only Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know my life situation and my heart in its entirety.

Originally, the list above was my goal - to write about what I still believe in. However, my mind started to fill with ideas about THINGS THAT I'VE LEARNED:

--- The Spirit of the Law is more important than the Letter of the Law.

--- Church leaders, even Prophets (by definition, because they are still mortal men) are NOT infallible. They are human.

--- Personal revelation trumps Church doctrine and sometimes the Holy Ghost will communicate things to you that conflict with official Church teachings.

--- Forgiveness of others is more for the benefit of ourselves than it is for others. Heavenly Father does NOT want us to have poison stirring in our hearts.

--- The LDS Church is not what I thought it was; it is also a newspaper, a TV station, a business, and a PAC (Political Action Committee), among other things.

--- Missions are NOT essential for a male to receive Exaltation. (Really, I didn't know that. They do not teach you this.)

--- We are blessed according to obedience to specific laws rather than punished indirectly for an unrelated behavior. For example, I will not get bad grades just because I drank alcohol or viewed pornography; rather, if I study hard and meet Him halfway, despite having drunken alcohol or having viewed pornography, I will be blessed with a decent grade. Any "punishment" from the Lord will be directly related to my infractions.

--- Questioning authority is essential to living a balanced life - even if it turns out you were wrong.

--- Acceptance goes both ways - if we as a community want respect and acceptance from others, especially from the LDS Church and its members, then we need to respect and accept them as well.

--- Things are ultimately more complicated than they ever, ever seem. And, oftentimes, we don't even know the half of it - especially when it comes to spiritual issues.

And last, but not least...

--- Accepting yourself wholly, and unforgivingly, including your past and your weaknesses, is essential for happiness and inner peace.

I still had time on my lunch hour (2-3 a.m., as if that could ever be called "lunch"), so I browsed through an O magazine that was sitting on the table. Indeed, everything at that moment felt right; like I was in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, as you will see...

I stumbled upon the following article, which I later found out is a regular column by Oprah Winfrey in every issue of her magazine. This issue's (September 2009) was especially pertinent (All copyright to O magazine, emphasis added):

"What I Know For Sure"

"I'm always fascinated by lists of 'Most Powerful People,' and by the ways they use external things - fame, status, wealth - to define and rank power. It's curious how a person can go from the top of a list one year to unlisted the next - all in the blink of a board meeting. Was that person's power real, or was the power only in the position? We often get the two confused.
"For me, there is no real power without spiritual power. A power that comes from the core of who you are and reflects all that you were meant to be. A power that's connected to the source of things. When you see this kind of power shining through someone in all its truth and certainty, it's irresistible, inspiring, elevating. I can feel it in myself sometimes, mostly when I'm sharing an insight that I know will have an impact on someone's life and I can see that they 'get it.' Gary Zukav writes in The Seat of the Soul, 'When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose, and meaning... When the personality comes fully to serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic empowerment.' Fulfilling your purpose, with meaning, is what gives you that electrifying 'juice' and makes people stand in wonder at how you do it.
"The secret is alignment: when you know for sure that you're on course and doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, fulfilling your soul's intention, your heart's desire, or whatever you choose to call it (they're all the same thing). When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. And you may stumble, but you will not fall.
"I know for sure that in every challenging experience there's an opportunity to grow, enhance your life, or learn something invaluable about yourself. Every challenge can make you stronger if you allow it. Strength multiplied = power.
"For real.

"Oprah"

I could not believe what I had just read. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. In fact, this article reminds me of the experience I had the weekend before I came out of the closet.

Furthermore, I saw a chart in a different month's issue of O magazine, and it really struck a chord. I will try to recreate it as best I can (All copyright to O magazine):

FEAR/LOVE

- Always feels bad./Always feels good.
- Motivates grasping./Motivates liberation.
- Seizes control./Relaxes control.
- Insists on certainty./Accepts uncertainty.
- Needs everything./Needs nothing.

The part of this chart that really stood out to me was the couplet on "certainty." When we fear, it happens ahead of time. That is why we try to plan an "escape," an acceptable "alternative" or "response." We must be in control! But when we love, it happens in the moment. We do not fear what is going to happen next because we are enraptured in the moment, comfortable in our environment, and trust that things will work out...

Maybe that's what faith is: a loving trust. When we trust someone, we don't worry that things will fall through or get neglected because we can rely on that one person - and everyone has that one person. His name is Christ. His name knows no organized religion, for He is universal - that's why Truths can be found in every corner of this world. He does not speak through others as much as He speaks to our hearts to tell us that what we are hearing, or seeing, or feeling is true. Aligning ourselves with Christ and accepting His will for our individual selves, whatever it may be, will help us find our purpose and enrich our life experience. Because His name knows no specific religion, we should not feel ashamed; accepting ourselves as gay does not mandate an abandonment of Christ - he would NEVER abandon us. He is universal! I know He accepts me and loves me for what I am - one of His children who happens to be gay. And I am not ashamed.

This I know for sure.

Metacontingencies: Giving Them a Reason

As I was studying for my Behavior Analysis final tonight, I read some interesting material that gave me some insight as to why society, in general, has a hard time changing its customary traditions and accepting gay marriage. It all has to do with metacontingencies.

Before I go any further, I want to cite the textbook from which I am borrowing information:

Pierce, W. D., & Cheney, C. (2008) Behavior Analysis and Learning. Great Britain: Psychology Press.

In addition, I will provided in-text notations regarding the page numbers on which I found the information.

First, in order to understand what a metacontingency is, one must understand what a contingency is in regards to the study of behavior. A contingency "defines the relationship between the [environment], the operant [a willful behavior], and the consequences that follow the behavior" (344). So, in other words, an environment or situation sets the occasion for a behavior to be willed, with positive or negative consequences following. These consequences influence whether the individual will emit (will) the particular behavior in the future.

Does that make sense?

So, a metacontingency describes "the contingent relations among cultural practices and the effects of those practices for the group" (354). Therefore, a metacontingency describes a contingency of behavior on a cultural level rather than on an individual level (which a contingency describes).

A further example, as provided by the text:

"A culture is said to be evolved when the community adopts these innovations. Adoption of innovations depends on the metacontingencies facing the group. For example, a new food crop with higher yield is selected when the metacontingencies favor increased grain production. This could occur when a community is impoverished or when higher yielding crops support the feeding of domestic animals used for work or consumption. Higher yield crops may not be selected when food is overly abundant, when increased grain supply leads to problems of storage, or when a new crop attracts pests that spread disease" (337).

In other words, our behavior as individuals, families, societies is influenced by its consequences. If a behavior or practice will produce a benefit, then we are more likely to emit this behavior than if the consequences were neutral or negative.

It is with this premise that I present a new approach to establish gay marriage as an option throughout this country: we must give society a reason to not just want gay marriage, but to need it. The bottom line is that society will change with its circumstances - just look at the current recession. Would the Bush and Obama administrations have bailed out companies if there were no benefits (that may be real or perceived)? If there was not economic worry, these administrations would not have bailed out anybody. And if these bailouts do not work, then future administrations will be more likely to refuse the bailing-out of companies.

At the end of the day, those who are against gay marriage don't see any benefit for themselves. In fact, most don't even see the issue's consequences as neutral - they see them as negative and harmful. It is our job to illustrate to them the benefits that gay marriage will bring to them as individuals, as families, and as an American society. Now, I believe that there are indeed some benefits to legalizing gay marriage, but that is not the issue. Even if those benefits are only perceived by society, then they will be more accepting of gay marriage. Now, I'm not advocating that we lie to them or promote a false agenda; all I am saying is that we need to get them to become more comfortable in other ways, such as being more willing to even discuss the issue rather than ignore it or shut it down.

That is why "coming out" is (in my opinion) the most effective way to win sympathy for us as individuals and as a group, as well as the most effective way to win votes for gay marriage. In behavioral psychology terms, this is because their contingencies have changed. They no longer feel innocent for voting against gay marriage because now they know people on a personal level who will be directly affected by their votes. The process of "coming out" by one person sets the occasion for the listeners (a.k.a. friends and family) to emit a different behavior (vote for gay marriage), which will be followed by consequences (which may vary due to many factors).

This is supported (I believe) by further passages from the text:

"A common observation is that cultural practices in humans often remain unchanged over many generations, even when these customs make no sense. A practice may persist for many years because the members of the group who engage in it fail to contact a change in the metacontingencies. At the individual level, a person [obeys]... the taboo because the social contingencies arranged by the group [for disobeying the taboo] avert contact with the positive reinforcement contingency. Cultural practices also may persist when the metacontingencies are stable and the current practices are sufficient to meet the contingencies" (337-8).

In other words, if circumstances don't change, then people and society will never change. People stick to tradition (opposing gay marriage) because not doing so will produce negative consequences (administered by their families, friends, churches, etc...).

Calls for change challenge individuals to really consider what they need and what society needs. So it is not just our job to challenge on an individual level but on a societal level as well. We need to make the consequences for supporting gay marriage positive for the individual and for society. Only then will people be willing to accept us and realize that we have rights as divine creatures. After all, people will only do something if there is some benefit (short- or long-term) to themselves; if there is nothing of personal benefit for supporting gay marriage, then people will not support it. Support can be defined in any way the individual perceives; it can be intrinsically motivated ("I feel good when I value my fellow citizens with equality") or it can be extrinsically motivated ("It will encourage American acceptance abroad"). The point is that we must stress the positive consequences for individuals and societies who support gay marriage. Only then will we win our rightful cause.

Tender Mercies

My life has been abundant in tender mercies lately, and I feel like I need to write them down so that I'll never forget them. In fact, I did start to forget some of the details when a friend started chatting with me on Facebook asking me about my status update (it had read, "Drew Stelter feels so blessed and happy right now that he just wants to hug everyone!"). I'm glad he did, because it forced me to talk about my experiences and keep them in my memory so that I could write a post about them. Now, isn't that a tender mercy in and of itself?! ;)

It all started on the third of April, when Iowa legalized gay marriage. I could not believe it! I just could not understand; wasn't the nation supposed to follow in California's footsteps? How could this happen so soon after we had lost the Proposition 8 battle? It was purely amazing, and it lifted my heart.

Then, on the seventh of April, my Adolescent Psychology course was discussing Human Sexuality. We discussed Restrictice, Semi-Restrictive, and Permissive Societies, changes over time, and gender attitudes towards sex. As I was sitting in class, I desperately wanted to ask the question, "Do all of these statistics and trends we're discussing apply equally to heterosexuals and homosexuals?" but I didn't. However, the last half hour of class was spent discussing "Sexual Minority Youth." My professor was so respectful and protective of the classroom environment at this time, and I felt safe to express my opinions (although people in my course do not know that I'm gay. How would they know?). I shot my professor a quick but thoughtful email expressing my gratitude for her actions that day.

After returning from my courses, I quickly browsed the internet before heading home (to accompany my best friend and his family to the MTC; he is serving a mission in the Phillippines). To my surprise, the headlines stated that Vermont had just legalized gay marriage. When I first saw the headline, I started to tear up. I exerted some behavioral control (although my mind was going absolutely wild) and read the news stories about it on several sites. Again, how could this happen so soon after Proposition 8? What does this mean for the rest of the country? This time it was a unanimous decision by the legislature - that had never happened before! I smiled as I realized that the argument of "judicial activism" just had a HUGE hole blown through it, even though Iowa had legalized gay marriage through the courts. And so soon after Iowa?! I couldn't believe that the headline I was reading was real.

Suffice it to say that I spent more time on the internet than I would have liked, although it was a special occasion, wouldn't you think? ;)

My mix CD playing through the car stereo as I exited Sardine Canyon, I started to think about what day my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on, wanting to do something to celebrate this important day. I tried to think it through in my head but I couldn't figure it out. So I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and looked at it's calendar: my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on Easter! I started to tear up at this realization. Immediately, I took it as a validation that my "coming out" was indeed directed by my Heavenly Father and that this was His way of winking at me. Then He reminded me of His love for me: the moment I realized that Easter was the date of my one-month anniversary, the song that was playing through my stereo ended and a new song started: "He Loves Me" by Hilary Weeks. If the realization was a wink, then this was a big, fat bear hug! I lost it at this moment; it wasn't until I reached at least Ogden that the flow of my tears trickled off. What's more is that I had been praying for a while to have a good cry - and I was glad that my cry consisted of happy, not sad, tears. (I will blog about my Easter experience in a later post, as the "fallout" is still happening.)

That night, I decided to read my Patriarchal Blessing (PB). This was important to me because I had meant to read it the last time I was at home and I had forgotten to do it. So I was making a conscious effort. I'm sure you all have had similar experiences where you read your PB for the first time in months (maybe even years) and something in it has attained new meaning since the last time you had read it. This is what happened to me. I will share a brief part of my PB (paraphrasing), as it is important to the rest of the story. It stated that I "will have a special family here in mortality." That statement got me to thinking, "Will my temporal family here on Earth be different from my eternal family after the Judgment? Who will be in this special family with me? What will it look like?" Whatever the answer was, I decided that the word special just had to mean unconventional... What else could it mean?

The next day, I accompanied my best friend and his family to the Provo MTC. His family had a surprise waiting for them when they walked through the door: his mom's sister-in-law and her son (my best friend's cousin), whom they had not seen in twelve years, were in the forum of the MTC; his cousin was entering the MTC the same exact day he was! Anyway, my best friend's mom was introducing everybody, obviously, as nobody looked the same as they had twelve years earlier. When she got to me, she introduced me as, "...Drew, Jason's best friend. But we consider him family; he is my son, too!" Then she turned to me and said, "Isn't that true Drew? Your mom can share!" Later, after we left the MTC, I was able to have a private conversation with her because Jason's brother had taken a ride with his grandmother. She told me that she didn't mind that I'm not serving a mission (as I am "out" to Jason and he told her not to bug me about going). She also talked about how grateful she was for my friendship with Jason, how grateful she was that I treated Jason's little brother well. She also reaffirmed to me that she thought of me as family. Indeed, when we arrived at Jason's grandmother's house, they all treated me like family.

As we left Jason's grandmother's house, we drove past this absolutely huge mansion. It had a sidewalk paved in its front and back yards so a golf-cart could be driven on a smoot surface! It was incredible, and it rivals (maybe even dwarves) the houses on Walker Lane. His grandmother told me that Bruce Bastian used to live there, but that since he became divorced his wife now resides there. (Before this had all happened, I attended Scott's party for the first time in March. To my surprise, he lives literally ten houses down from the house I grew up in as a child! What a small world!) I had a smirk on my face as I drove past that house, grateful that the man who used to live there had donated $1,000,000 to defeat Proposition 8. What a small world it is!

When we had arrived at Jason's home and were all settled inside, his grandmother gave me a stern look. "Now, Drew, just because Jason is on his mission doesn't mean that you can't talk to me anymore! I want you to call me the next time you are in Salt Lake and come visit me." I replied that I didn't have her number and she said, "Well, pull out your phone and I will give it to you!" Then, Jason's mom walked in and Jason's grandmother commented, "Drew knows what he's got to do, now." His mom asked, "What is that?" And Jason's grandmother looked at me and said, "He'll tell you." So I told her.

This whole experience got me to thinking about whether or not Jason's family could be my special family. I though, "How could they not be? I read my PB last night and the mention of my family is one of two things that popped out to me. And then I hear these comments today? Yeah, something's here." But I also got to thinking that, "...maybe my MoHo family could be my family. These are the people who really understand me, who really know what I'm going through, who don't tell me that I'm going to Hell." Right now, I do not know which of these is my special family, but it doesn't really matter. After all, if my family is supposed to be unconventional, then why can't I have two? ;)

The next day was also a great day in my Adolescent Psychology course. The University's GLBT Student Services office provides GLBT Panels for professors that request them, and my awesome professor requested one, so the entire hour-and-a-half period was spent listening to two gay men, one lesbian, and two bisexual women talk about their stories and experiences in this world - and all but one had been brought up LDS. I so desperately wanted to get up there and join them (after all, it was very informal - they would've let me) but I figured that there was a time and a place for these types of things, and that it was my time to listen. It was all very educational, and I learned a lot about myself through their experiences. The one thing that stuck out to me was something they called, "Queer Bounce." Apparently, Queer Bounce occurs after someone "comes out," and is described by his or her fulfilling the stereotypes that he or she sees in society. It is basically a rebellion stage where an individual totally loses the values and morals he had because he has felt repressed/oppressed from expression his true self. It is called a "bounce" because the individual eventually returns to the same values and morals he once had, although he has since integrated the characteristics of his "new" self. I have noticed some of that appearing in myself, and I so pray that I maintain my dignity and respect. I do not want to be that type of person. But at the same time, I understand that it is a relatively natural and universal occurrence and should be expected in some capacity and form. Sigh.

I am so thankful for these tender mercies in my life. They were great reminders to me of His unconditional love, and that he works through all people and all things to bring about his plan. I just read Scott's newest post and am grateful that the Lord has been helping him as well - in fact, He helps each and every one of us. We just have to look - He is there.

Transitions and Why I Give Myself the Benefit of the Doubt

I have had a lot of closure in my life as of late. I came out on Facebook two weeks ago, I have basically moved out of my family's home, I have a job interview tomorrow that I am almost sure will secure me employment, and today was my last scheduled OCD therapy session.

Of course, some of these "closures" have opened up new opportunities that have given me new experiences; I feel like I am transitioning to something new every day, and I feel like I am not succeeding as much as I'd like. I feel like the Angels in Angels in America, who come to Earth to tell the human race that they are always constantly moving and changing, and that sometimes all that is needed is constancy and static; sometimes change is not good.

I don't mean to imply that I am not liking all these changes; on the contrary, most of them are welcome, although not all of them are easy. And despite most of them being welcome, that doesn't make them any more tolerable. It's just that I feel like all of these changes are happening to fast.

Oddly, though, I know for each and every one of these changes that now is the right time. I feel like God is guiding me and directing me; I look back at all the times I was frustrated when I didn't get a job after an interview; at all the times when I wanted to "come out" but someone or something held me back; at all the times when I didn't understand why I should go to USU when I had a better scholarship somewhere else; and see that I was being guided yet didn't know it at these times.

Looking back and realizing when and how I was guided has increased my testimony and my faith in His timing.

Of course, it is presumptuous to think that the job I am interviewing for tomorrow is mine. But I feel as though things will work out: if I get it, then great! And if I don't, then great! I know that His will is all that matters at this point, and that I just have to trust it. Trust Him.


To add more thoughts on my experience with OCD therapy...

I can't believe that the eight weeks are over! Before starting the therapy, I completed a three hour intake assessment. Following that, I received weekly treatment for eight weeks. And today, I completed the outtake assessment.

Completing the outtake assessment has opened my eyes to exactly how much improvement I have made in controlling my thoughts (obsessions) and actions (compulsions). During the outtake today, the person doing my assessment had my intake notes to guide her in the outtake process. Basically, she only asked me the questions that related to specific obsessions and compulsions that I had responded to at the intake. Honestly, I had forgotten how much this controlled my life. She was asking me questions about obsessions and compulsions that were a real part of my life before therapy but now seem foreign. In fact, they seemed foreign enough that sometimes I didn't even remember that they had ever existed!

This is so exciting to me! Now, I still have some bad days when I can't seem to control my obsessions or compulsions, but that's okay. Part of the therapy is facing the fact that real people have anxiety (obsessions) over things; in other words, OCD has no cure because if the definition were "no anxious thoughts" then everyone would have OCD. The best way to "cure" OCD is to train a person's mind to realize that it is okay to feel anxiety, but giving anxious thoughts too much credence will make them grow in number and frequency. Oddly enough, making a conscious effort to battle OCD actually makes the situation worse; the best way to "fight" OCD is to actually not fight at all. Another lesson that I learned was that anxiety fluctuates continually due to many factors: age, season, situations one faces or experiences, etc... Sometimes to have intense anxiety is perfectly normal and okay (such as in response to the death of a loved one).

I feel like a new person! Although I am still diagnosed as having OCD, it is currently in a mild state as compared to what it was eight weeks ago. For the longest time I couldn't comprehend why the Lord told me (through prayer) that I must go to USU; I had a better scholarship at another school, it is more expensive for me to live away from home, and it is quite inconvenient in so many ways. However, walking out of my seventh session it just hit me: I am here because I needed to receive this treatment. And what was the cherry on top? It was free!

The lessons I've learned have generalized to other areas of my life. I used to feel so frustrated with myself for having gay feelings and for being interested in gay-oriented movies, books, and topics. It used to cause me to experience so much discomfort, and I thought that it was because having these feelings and being interested in these things were inherently immoral. But now I know better. Of course I am going to be interested in these things: I am gay, after all! Wanting to watch Brokeback Mountain is a natural reaction for a gay individual from any background. It is no more surprising or immoral for a straight individual to have a desire to watch The Notebook or to read the book of the same name.

In short, the lessons I've learned from my OCD therapy experience actually helped me to give myself some credit. Honestly, before OCD therapy I thought that giving myself the benefit of the doubt would be a cop-out. I didn't like the idea because it made me feel as though I was weak and needed to rationalize what I was thinking or doing in order to make myself feel better. But now I know that people need to give themselves the benefit of the doubt sometimes just to keep themselves from exploding!

Interestingly, this concept relates to the Atonement. Realizing that we are not perfect (giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt) makes use of the Atonement because we are demonstrating to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that we know we are not perfect, that we know we need help, and that not only do we have knowledge of the Atonement, but that we have enough faith in it to put it to use in our lives. After all, it is only He that can heal our wounds and truly make us whole. And the shortcomings that fall through the cracks when we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt (which has a prerequisite of trying to meet Him halfway) will be forgiven if and when we pass our burdens and trials over to Him with faith.

My Saving Grace

I am currently enjoying a long weekend thanks to SLCC's Fall Break. I didn't go in to work today, and I don't have school tomorrow morning. This is very welcome, as next week will be my last at the University of Utah Hospital and I will immediately jump into my next facility the following week.

For some background knowledge, my instructor has clinical spots lined up from Ogden to American Fork. For those of you who don't live in Utah, Ogden is about 1.5 hours north of Salt Lake City, while American Fork is about 30-45 minutes (depending on traffic) south of Salt Lake City. So the range of possible facilities for him to send me and others to is pretty diverse; it includes both hospitals and outpatient surgical centers. And, according to him, he always sends his best student to Primary Children's Medical Center (PCMC). This hospital is nationally ranked and treats only pediatric patients. He only has one clinical spot there for the next rotation.

Well, this past Wednesday he called me (on my cell phone - how cool is that!?) and asked me if I would feel comfortable at PCMC; he does this only for this facility because he knows that not everyone is comfortable working with children. I told him that I am all for it; it is an Intermountain Healthcare (IHC) facility after all. (I need to get hired with IHC to be able to transfer up to Logan Regional Hospital while I am going to school at Utah State University.) Also, I don't mind working with children at all. While I am not sure yet, because I have never worked with them, I suspect that I may actually prefer to work with children. I get this from my mom; she is a Registered Nurse and has worked with children all her life. In fact, she did a clinical rotation at PCMC while she was in nursing school and was hired there after she graduated.

I regret not sounding excited enough about this opportunity on the phone with my instructor; I tend to communicate more mechanically than emotionally.That's just part of my personality and, while I certainly try to balance things out, it will probably always be that way.

However, I feel so grateful for this opportunity. The fact that he and his assistant instructor (who is freakin' awesome as well) feel like they can trust me enough to send me there is an amazing feeling!

To have my instructors' faith and backing gives me a much-needed confidence booster. I, like everyone, second-guess my skills and abilities at times. And because of the nature of the University Hospital, I haven't gotten alot of feedback on my progress. The reason my instructor sent me there was because it is a clinical site where students are expected to police themselves and act independently. For example, most facilities assign their students specific rooms for the day; the University Hospital expects its students to assign themselves to rooms. In fact, I was once scolded by my nurse educator for waiting for her to assign me! I wasn't able to gauge where my skills were at until the assistant instructor communicated some information to me at one of her random weekly clinical site visits. She communicated to me that my nurse educator told her the following: "Drew is doing great, and here's how I know: No news is good news, and I've heard good news about Drew." Now, I know that that quote probably doesn't make sense at first, but I'll explain. My preceptors (Surgical Technologists whom I train with side-by-side during cases) are free to communicate absolutely anything about students (whether negative or positive) to my nurse educator. The reasoning is this: if they have something negative to report to her, they report it. But if they have something positive to report, they either say nothing or they report it. And if they elect to say nothing, it is either because my performance was just average or because they are lazy. My nurse educator assumes that if nothing is reported to her then she has doesn't have to worry about me because there are no major complaints. However, she has heard "good news about [me]." This means that I have impressed my preceptors enough that they were compelled to communicate about my progress to my nurse educator. Up until the assistant instructor communicated this to me about two weeks ago I had nothing on which to base my progress.

I feel like the past seventeen months have been worth it and that all my hard work is finally coming to fruition. All I have done is put forth my best effort, and I am glad that that best effort is good enough for my instructors, for my facilities, and for me. However, by no means am I perfect. I haven't always completed my homework 100%; I haven't always stayed awake in class; I haven't always made it to the University Hospital every day that was expected of me. However, I feel like I have put forth the best effort I could, especially given the issues and situations I've faced the past seventeen months: I was seeing a therapist at LDS Family Services nearly the whole time; my family took in a foster child just three months into my schooling and we are officially adopting her in mid-October; I have had to go through the repentance process (more than once); and I have "come out" to several people during this time period...

And I know that I couldn't have done all of this had Heavenly Father not strengthened and sustained me and my efforts. I owe it all to Him. He has blessed me even though I have made major blunders in the past seventeen months. He stuck by my side and knew that, at times, all I had to hold on to in this life was the completion of the Surgical Technology program. Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts in the past seventeen months, although those feelings have come and gone. There was one time this past spring when I came extremely close to following through on those thoughts, but I didn't because I at least wanted to see myself through the program; it has been a Saving Grace for me. It was the one consistent thing in my life besides therapy. Looking back, I suspect that I subconciously knew that, and that's probably why I've put more effort into this than into anything else in my life. All I can say is that I'm going to have an extremely difficult time when it all comes to an end in early December, even though I will stay involved through being on the program's Advisory Committee.

I'm so grateful that I was accepted into this program. The competition was and is apparently tough, something I didn't really grasp until after I was accepted and my instructor was reviewing test scores and applications for the next group of students. It is truly something that I was meant to do. And Heavenly Father knew that. He has guided me, directed me, and enabled me to get to this point. I feel blessed and loved by Him. But most important of all, I feel that He cares about me and my life, and it feels overwhelmingly sweet to be able to call Him my ally.

Disappointment and Why I Want to "Come Out"

I have been reminded through recent experiences that life is full of disappointments. It seems as if the past few days have literally come from Hell. You know how it is - someone or something disappoints you and it starts the Domino Effect; it all happens at once.

Within the past few days, three close family members have made negative comments about gaays; two of them know that I am gaay. First, one of them told me that gaays just, "...need to get over it." Second, one of them recently had his best friend "come out" to him; he no longer wishes to be his friend. And last, one of them called me a, "...fag!" directly. He later apologized, and I accept his apology, but it's still hard to ignore because all these statements came at me within a 24-hour period.

This has been on my mind the past few days because, prior to these comments, I was thinking about "coming out" to my extended family soon, but can't out of respect for certain family members who aren't ready to accompany me on that journey yet. Two of the comments above were made by extended family members. But I still have hope, given the response I received when they found out that I had decided to not serve a mission.

My philosophy on "coming out" is a little different from most others'. Usually, I will only tell someone that I'm gaay if he or she asks me about my orientation directly; I will not go out proactively informing others of my orientation. This general rule, however, would need to be broken if I am to "come out" in regards to my not serving a mission, as I would be sharing the information willingly without being asked specifically about it...

You see, I want to be honest when I get the, "Why not serve?" question from people; I think that this is a perfect opportunity to "come out" to extended family and friends in the neighborhood and ward. I'm constantly stressing about not going on a mission because my birthday is in January and people are starting to bring it up in conversation; they assume that I'm going. It is very uncomfortable to have to tell them that I'm not serving because I know what the first thing popping into their minds is: that I slept with a woman . It is incredibly irritating - they assume the worst, and it isn't even remotely close; yes, REALLY, I slept with a woman . Please, save it for the next guy.

So, why exactly do I want to come out? Another MoHo recently asked me this, and it got me thinking...

Reason #1: Not Hiding Anymore

I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have to hide certain behaviors or interests around people that don't know I'm gaay. I don't like censoring myself like this. I desire to be my true self.

Reason #2: Changing People's Attitudes

Most people would not even suspect that I'm "one of them." Some of my peers definitely would suspect it, while others would simply say, upon finding out, "Oh, okay. Whatever." However, most people in my neighborhood and ward would be completely surprised, as would my Surgical Technologist instructors. I feel that "coming out" to people in my neighborhood and ward would be a good teaching and learning opportunity. I can only hope that people's attitudes are expanded upon knowing that they have interacted with a gaay man for the past few years; that they will learn that there is nothing to fear.

Reason #3: Fulfilling and Validating Myself to the World

I AM important. I matter in this world. And this world is shared by us all, so I'm going to make the most of it. I WILL NOT be ashamed of who I am, for I have every right to be who I am. I WILL reach my full potential, and I can only do that if I am not only completely honest with myself, but with the world as well.

I won't be coming out the way I want to because of the family members who, as I mentioned, are not ready to accompany me on this journey. I will be "coming out," however, once I start school in January... it'll be a fresh start, and I don't want it to pass by.

Sometimes I think that that's all life is... a waiting game.