The LDS Church, circa 1943

My only remaining grandparent (my dad's father) passed away on April 2nd this year, about thirteen months after his wife passed away. I now have no grandparents - and I feel cheated. My dad and his siblings have been sorting things out as far as who gets what, trying to clear my grandpa's house so that it can be sold.

Yesterday I noticed a pocket-sized book that looked pretty old, but in fairly good condition, sitting on one of the counters in our kitchen. It is about the size of a pocket-size LDS hymn book, with the title in black against a brown cover. I don't know why I glanced at it, but I did. (I suspect that it's because I have a mild interest in old editions of literature, such as my mom's nursing textbooks from the late 1970's/early 1980's.) Anyway, I flipped open the cover and in my grandma's distinctive cursive handwriting was written "Marlene Oliver." The title page indicated that it was published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in 1943, and a preface was written and signed by The First Presidency at the time, which consisted of Heber J. Grant, J. Reuben Clark, and David O. McKay.

This book is simply titled "Principles of the Gospel."

It is topically-based, much like the "Mormon Doctrine" book, and obviously the first thing I looked for started with the letter "H" - homosexuality. But this topic was not present in the book. So I just flipped through the book, browsing until I came upon the subject heading "Church and State" on page 246.

I read all that was written under this subject heading, and I will present it here - with my added italics. (Copyright to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints):

"Church and State

The Church stands for the separation of Church and State. The Church has no civil political functions. As the Church may not assume the functions of the State, so the State may not assume the functions of the Church. The Church is responsible for and must carry on the work of the Lord, directing the conduct of its members, one towards the other, as followers of the lowly Christ, not forgetting the humble, the poor and the needy, and those in distress, leading them all to righteous living and a spiritual life that shall bring them to salvation, exaltation, and eternal progression in wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and power. ***

"The State is responsible for the civil control of its citizens or subjects, for their political welfare, and for the carrying forward of political policies, domestic and foreign, of the body politic. For these policies, their success or failure, the state is alone responsible, and it must carry their burdens. All these matters involve and directly affect Church members because they are part of the body politic, and members must give allegiance to their sovereign and render it loyal service when called thereto. But the Church, itself, as such, has no responsibility for these policies, as to which it has no means of doing more than urging its members fully to render that loyalty to their country and to free institutions which the loftiest patriotism calls for.

"Nevertheless, as a correlative of the principle of separation of the Church and the State, themselves, there is an obligation running from every citizen or subject to the State. This obligation is voiced in that Article of Faith which declares: 'We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.'

"For one hundred years, the Church has been guided by the following principles:

"We believe that governments were instituted of God for the benefit of man; and that he holds men accountable for their acts in relation to them, both making laws and administering them, for the good and safety of society.

"We believe that no government can exist in peace, except such laws are framed and held inviolate as will secure to each individual the free exercise of conscience, the right and control of property, and the protection of life.

"We believe that all governments necessarily require civil officers and magistrates to enforce the laws of the same; and that such as will administer the law in equity and justice should be sought for and upheld by the voice of the people if a republic, or the will of the sovereign.

"We believe that religion is instituted of God; and that men are amenable to him, and to him only, for the exercise of it, unless their religious opinions prompt them to infringe upon the rights and liberties of others; but we do not believe that human law has a right to interfere in prescribing rules of worship to bind the consciences of men, nor dictate forms for public or private devotion.

"We believe that all men are bound to sustain and uphold the respective governments in which they reside, while protected in their inherent and inalienable rights by the laws of such governments; and that sedition and rebellion are unbecoming every citizen thus protected, and should be punished accordingly; and that all governments have a right to enact such laws as in their own judgments are best calculated to secure the public interest; at the same time, however, holding sacred the freedom of conscience.

"We believe that every man should be honored in his station, rulers and magistrates as such, being placed for the protection of the innocent and the punishment of the guilty; and that to the laws all men owe respect and deference, as without them peace and harmony would be supplanted by anarchy and terror; human laws being instituted for the express purpose of regulating our interests as individuals and nations, between man and man; and divine laws given of heaven, prescribing rules on spiritual concerns, for faith and worship, both to be answered by man to his Maker. ***

"We believe *** that murder, treason, robbery, theft, and the breach of the general peace, in all respects, should be punished according to their criminality and their tendency to evil among men, by the laws of that government in which the offense is committed. (D & C 134:1-6, 8; Message of the First Presidency, April, 1942)"

This stunned me! I hope it stuns you, too! It stunned me because this is in stark contrast to what the Church now voices in regards to the separation of Church and State, as well as in regards to politics in general.

I actually agreed with the majority of what was written in this section. I still have questions and thoughts, but this pretty much sums up what I feel in my heart. If I had read this in 1943 and was not a member of the Church at the time, I probably would've joined! It just aligns so well with what I feel has been conveyed to me by the Holy Ghost.

So, the question is: what happened?! What changed?! Why is the Church now voicing different principles? I don't understand, and I probably never will... Sigh.

I am disappointed and confused by my childhood faith. But at the same time, I am just overjoyed that I was led to see this passage in this book! I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I was meant to see this passage at this time. It has given me some clarity, some confidence, and some ground to stand on. I am truly blessed and grateful!

Power in Words

There are two songs that I want to share with you. The first one is called "Someday" by Rob Thomas. The lyrics of this song speak to my heart and describe my current feelings better than I ever could. And while I find music videos to be a little distracting because you tend to watch the story play out on screen rather than listen to the lyrics, I like the music video to this song. It even has a sign in it that says "[heart] has no gender."



"You can go,
You can start all over again,
You can try to find a way to make another day go by.
You can hide,
Hold all your feelings inside,
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry.

And maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
Try to put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to make things better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

Now wait,
You try to find another mistake.
If you throw it all away then maybe you could change your mind.
You can run,
And when everything is over and done,
You could shine a little light on everything around you,
Man, it's good to be someone!

And maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
Try to put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to make things better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

And I don't wanna wait,
I just wanna know,
I just wanna hear you tell me so.
Give it to me straight,
Tell it to me slow.

Cause maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
We'll put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to just feel better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get.
So maybe we should start all over,
Start all over again...

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get.
So maybe we should start all over,
Start all over again..."

The second song is called "Angel" and is sung by Sarah McLachlan. I listened to it this weekend while reading a Newsweek article from the year 2000 about Stuart Matis. This song has always been a favorite of mine. It is just tragically beautiful and moving. However, I have mixed feelings about this song because it is so depressing - it is definitely not a song you want to listen to when you are feeling depressed; I personally identify with this song because I have been to that dark, lonely place before, and even though I'm not at that place right now, and that place is not a good, happy place, I still have a special connection to the song, and I feel the lyrics almost perfectly describe my feelings for Stuart. The influence for the song is detailed here. Although the recorded version is better than the many live versions, I could not find a suitable recorded version video on YouTube. Also, the lyrics get misinterpreted often, so I have also typed them up:



"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance;
For a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction,
Oh, a beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.
Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight.

In the arms of The Angel,
Fly away from here.
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,
And everywhere you turn,
There's vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting,
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.
It don't make no difference,
Escaping one last time;
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees.

In the arms of The Angel,
Fly away from here.
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

"Because you scare me..."

I went to SLC Pride this weekend - a little rainy, but I've interpreted it as "braving the storm." For, in fact, isn't that what we've all done? We should be proud of ourselves for doing that.

However, I faced a storm when I got home. You see, I had explained to my mom well ahead of time that I was going to the Pride Festival (as I had done the year before), but I did not explain this to my dad for two reasons. I figured that he would know I was gone but not know where I was going (as usual - which is TOTALLY fine), and I also figured that he would get angry and perhaps not let me go. So I figured that I would have to confront him with the truth when I got home. I didn't want to, but I knew it would be a possibility.

When I returned home, the only person there was my older brother who was napping in the basement. So I went to my room and straightened it up and started to watch TV. When my dad got home, he came up to my room and talked with me. Our conversation, recreated to the best of my memory and ability:

"Where were you?"

"I was hanging out with friends."

"Who? What were you doing?"

"You don't know them. We chilled, watched a movie, went out to eat. [All true - but with different groups of people.]

"Oh okay... Well I know you were at this Pride thing they've got going on downtown."

"How did you know I was there?"

"Drew, don't you think I would know? Sure, I know! Why wouldn't I know where you were?"

"Did mom tell you?"

"No, she didn't tell me. I just knew. [pause] So these 'people' you were with - I assume they struggle with the same thing? Are these the people from that thing in Lehi?" [I still don't know how he knew. I don't believe that my mom told him.]

"Yeah, they are the ones from Lehi."

"Um... It really disappoints me that you went to that thing [Pride]. It completely goes against everything that I've taught you."

"You haven't even been to it before."

"That doesn't mean that I don't have an idea of what it's about."

"Oh, so you're passing judgment on something and, by default, onto me, that you only have an 'idea' about? That's not fair. That doesn't make sense to me."

"I'm not passing judgment, Drew. I'm just trying to help you. Look - there is one view on homosexuality as far as the world is concerned, and that view is put on for show at these things."

"Oh, really?! What is this 'one view'?"

"The world doesn't separate the feelings from the behavior. They think that it's one way or the other; that if you have these feelings then you must act upon them."

"So? Just because you disagree with them doesn't mean that there's only one view."

"Well, yeah there is but not according to the world. The only time I have seen a positive view put forward and encouraged was that one guy who wrote that book [Ty Mansfield, co-author of In Quiet Desperation]. What's his name? [I didn't tell him his name.] Well, anyway, that is the only example I can think of where gay people are encouraged to obey the commandments, stay celibate, etc... And that is sad. It's a total shame."

[I should've said something snarky like, "Well I think it's sad that half of all of Utah's homeless teens identify as LGBT and have been kicked out of their homes," but I didn't.] "Well it's the Church's own fault. It's published by the Church [vicariously] and is sold in Deseret Book [a church-owned store]. You can't put that onto anyone else. The Church publishes it but doesn't let people know that they sell it. I have to find out from another gay person, who found out from another gay person, etc... You remember the pamphlet, God Loveth His Children? Well the only advertising the Church did [that I saw] was in the Deseret News. Bishop ______ didn't even know about it - I had to tell him when I went to talk with him once. You would think that the Church would make a huge announcement about new literature it produces, especially about something as important as this. How would Bishop ______ not know about it? You would think they would make it known to their leadership if they produced something like that."

"I just don't think the world is ready for it yet. One day all of this will seem trivial because it will become a non-issue. But it hasn't happened yet."

"Dad, things are changing, and I want to be a part of it. It's a process; it doesn't just happen overnight. I'm not going to put my life on hold because the world's not ready for it yet."

[long pause]

"You know, Drew? This whole 'ASS' thing is taking its toll on me. It really is." [I'm not joking, either. He really said this.]

"'ASS' thing? 'SSA', you mean?" [laughing and rolling my eyes]

"Yeah, sorry: SSA. It just takes its toll, you know?"

"Uh, yeah... I know."

"And it really just upsets me when you wear your ring." [My ring is silver with a flat top, in which six small fake stones, each one a different color rainbow, are set.]

"Why?!"

"Because I don't think that it represents what you think it represents."

"Well what do you think it represents? What do you think when you see it?"

"I think it sends the message, 'Hey! Come have a good time! Yeah, come on over. Let's hook up and have a good time. I'm looking for somethin'.'"

"Well that's not what it means."

"Well that's what I'm saying - that you are sending the wrong message by wearing it. And I don't like you to wear it because I think that people who don't know you well enough will think that about you when it's not true."

"Well that's their problem, not mine."

"I just think that it does you a disservice. [long pause] Yeah, Drew, it just really shreds my heart when I see you wearing that ring. It really does. [short pause] It's like you're shoving it in people's faces!"

"What?! That doesnt' even make sense, Dad. You wear a wedding ring - does that mean that you're shoving your marriage down in people's faces? At work? At the gym? In Church?" [When I was talking with Scott earlier today, he made a comparison to a "CTR" ring that I could've used in my argument.]

"I just don't like it. In all my life, I have never seen another person wear a ring like that - not once. And yet you feel as if you must wear it. I don't understand that."

"Well you obviously don't know a lot of gay people then."

"Oh, that's bologna! You don't think I've seen gay people downtown? None of them feel like they need to wear a ring."

"Well I do. Besides, it's a ring - you don't just walk up to someone and check to see if they are wearing a ring. That's ridiculous."

"Well, no, but rings are noticeable. And yours would stick out like a sore thumb!"

[long pause]

"Dad, I would be willing to not wear my ring during a specific time, day, or place just for you. Do you want me to do that?

"No. Drew, I love you and I hope you know that. I worry about your safety. I just don't want you coming home one day beat up."

"I know. Love you, too."

[He comes over to the bed, where I am sitting, and gives me a hug. About five minutes later I walk down the stairs and he is smiling and getting ready to go to the family party at my relatives' house. My mom and sister are in the kitchen just around the corner.]

"Thanks for talking with me. I guess we just don't have very good communication. I want to have that communication with you. How come you tell mom things and not me sometimes?"

"Because you scare me..."

Disappointment and Why I Want to "Come Out"

I have been reminded through recent experiences that life is full of disappointments. It seems as if the past few days have literally come from Hell. You know how it is - someone or something disappoints you and it starts the Domino Effect; it all happens at once.

Within the past few days, three close family members have made negative comments about gaays; two of them know that I am gaay. First, one of them told me that gaays just, "...need to get over it." Second, one of them recently had his best friend "come out" to him; he no longer wishes to be his friend. And last, one of them called me a, "...fag!" directly. He later apologized, and I accept his apology, but it's still hard to ignore because all these statements came at me within a 24-hour period.

This has been on my mind the past few days because, prior to these comments, I was thinking about "coming out" to my extended family soon, but can't out of respect for certain family members who aren't ready to accompany me on that journey yet. Two of the comments above were made by extended family members. But I still have hope, given the response I received when they found out that I had decided to not serve a mission.

My philosophy on "coming out" is a little different from most others'. Usually, I will only tell someone that I'm gaay if he or she asks me about my orientation directly; I will not go out proactively informing others of my orientation. This general rule, however, would need to be broken if I am to "come out" in regards to my not serving a mission, as I would be sharing the information willingly without being asked specifically about it...

You see, I want to be honest when I get the, "Why not serve?" question from people; I think that this is a perfect opportunity to "come out" to extended family and friends in the neighborhood and ward. I'm constantly stressing about not going on a mission because my birthday is in January and people are starting to bring it up in conversation; they assume that I'm going. It is very uncomfortable to have to tell them that I'm not serving because I know what the first thing popping into their minds is: that I slept with a woman . It is incredibly irritating - they assume the worst, and it isn't even remotely close; yes, REALLY, I slept with a woman . Please, save it for the next guy.

So, why exactly do I want to come out? Another MoHo recently asked me this, and it got me thinking...

Reason #1: Not Hiding Anymore

I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have to hide certain behaviors or interests around people that don't know I'm gaay. I don't like censoring myself like this. I desire to be my true self.

Reason #2: Changing People's Attitudes

Most people would not even suspect that I'm "one of them." Some of my peers definitely would suspect it, while others would simply say, upon finding out, "Oh, okay. Whatever." However, most people in my neighborhood and ward would be completely surprised, as would my Surgical Technologist instructors. I feel that "coming out" to people in my neighborhood and ward would be a good teaching and learning opportunity. I can only hope that people's attitudes are expanded upon knowing that they have interacted with a gaay man for the past few years; that they will learn that there is nothing to fear.

Reason #3: Fulfilling and Validating Myself to the World

I AM important. I matter in this world. And this world is shared by us all, so I'm going to make the most of it. I WILL NOT be ashamed of who I am, for I have every right to be who I am. I WILL reach my full potential, and I can only do that if I am not only completely honest with myself, but with the world as well.

I won't be coming out the way I want to because of the family members who, as I mentioned, are not ready to accompany me on this journey. I will be "coming out," however, once I start school in January... it'll be a fresh start, and I don't want it to pass by.

Sometimes I think that that's all life is... a waiting game.