At the End of the Gravel Road

This past Friday (March 12th) was a huge day for me. It was my one-year "coming out" anniversary.

I never thought this day would come. When I was a teenager, there was a time when I didn't think I would live to see myself graduate, much less enter my twenties and see my one-year "coming out" anniversary. But I've pulled through. I've survived.

Being open about my orientation has had many benefits, many of which are not quantifiable. As the anniversary was approaching, I tried to reflect on what it really meant to me. How it changed my life. And, to my surprise, I couldn't really think of anything specific except that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to be embarrassed if there is something about me that is a little more effeminate than your average white, heterosexual male. Other than that, I really can't think of anything. That doesn't mean that it wasn't worth it, or that it wasn't a big deal - it was a big deal. It is a big deal for anyone who's ever done it.

Like I said, many of the benefits are not quantifiable; they are indescribable. It's more than a pure list on a piece of paper. It's more than how many benefits I can count on my hands. It's more than I even know it is. It's a feeling deep inside of me that gives me confidence. In all reality, it is a state of being. It is how I carry myself.

For example, after not having attended LDS Church meetings in over a year (except for special occasions, like Mother's Day) I attended our ward's Christmas party with my family this past December. My Bishop was there (have I told you about my Bishop? I'll have to someday). Let it be said for now that our past was full of anger and resentment, but that we agreed to disagree. I tried my best to forgive him (and I feel that I have) but that doesn't mean I have to talk to him, or reach out to him, or be his best friend or neighbor. However, I encountered him at the party and chatted with him very briefly. In the past, before I was "out", I had this vision of my Bishop as this all-mighty, wise being who knew exactly how to help and comfort me. I thought that he was infallible. I saw him as having authority because I gave him that authority; it was my perception that he had control over not only my salvation, but my happiness as well. I put myself in a situation where I was dependent on him and ended up getting disappointed. I saw myself as less than him: after all, I was a homosexual and he was a Bishop - a Bishop! Needless to say, my perception of our relationship had him up on this pedestal looking down on me - because I put him there. And that was wrong of me.

Anyway, during our brief chat at the ward Christmas party I felt, for the first time in my life, like his equal. I felt like I was just as important to Heavenly Father as he was. I felt like he didn't have authority over me any more - because I chose not to give it to him. I felt like I was in the right and could defend myself against, yes, even a Bishop. I felt like we were on a level playing field; that his rules didn't apply to me because I was playing a different game than he was.

And to feel that feeling of confidence and contentment made me feel happy.

That's not to say that I look down on my Bishop. I just respected him for who he was while asserting my right to live my life the way I wanted to. And I realized that that's okay. We don't have to agree. That's part of life. It is not my job to please everybody.

And it was choosing to "come out" a year ago that gave me the confidence to feel that way during that brief exchange with my Bishop. It was cordial, nothing to deep, but I felt happy and content. I couldn't have done that if I still felt dependent on him for my happiness; if his approval meant more to me than actually living my life. "Coming out" helped me to assert my independence, to increase the amount of love I show myself, and to increase my self-respect.

And, in essence, those are the two words I would use to describe "coming out": self-respect. Letting go of all the baggage and accepting yourself wholeheartedly without pre-conditions, unapologetically and even aggressively.

If you are still in the closet, I would urge you to "come out." However, it needs to be when you are ready. It needs to be because you want to, and not because someone else wants you to or because you want to "rebel" against someone who is against it. Prayerfully consider it. Treat it with care; you teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. If you approach it with respect and sensitivity, so will others. If you "come out" but play a victim, others will treat you as a victim. Please don't do that. "Coming out" means that you are not ashamed of who you are; you are not a victim! You deserve to be happy and victims aren't happy people. Be happy! Show others that you love and respect yourself.

Now, I have recently discovered some new instrumental music that I want to share with you. This is my way of celebrating. It helps me to feel inspired, powerful, and successful. I know that it will inspire you as well.

I want to express specifically how I feel about this first song. It is called "The Gravel Road" from The Village. If you haven't seen the movie, I don't want to ruin it for you, so stop reading. Now, the plot of the film is that there is this secluded village in modern America whose inhabitants live as if it were still the 1700's. The elders of this Amish-like group instill a fear in the rest of the village by telling them horrific stories of monsters that lie in the woods that encircle the village. Often, the villagers are attacked by these monsters, and their fear keeps them isolated. A blind girl in the village decides to go out to find some help for those who were attacked by the monsters and along the way she comes across some challenges, risking her life when the "monster" attacks her (The "monsters" are actually costumes that the elders dress up in to keep the fear instilled in village people). But she picks up her walking stick, brushes herself off, and keeps going. She eventually comes to this stone wall with a door recessed into it. She opens the door and steps out onto a 20th century highway. In essence, her eyes have been "opened" and she is no longer blind (literally and figuratively) to the lies and deceit that kept her secluded from the rest of the world due to fear.

I feel like that is what "coming out" is like. You feel blind, lost along the way. You are fearful of what lurks in the woods, what pains you might have to confront to venture into their shadowy arms. You have these challenges that sometimes you can't see, but you can feel them, you can sense them. And you give these challenges a run for their money! You feel like you are all alone, but you have prayer to help you, much like a walking stick. When you come to that stone wall, it's stature so intimidating, you open that closet door and jump out into the real world. You are no longer blind. That doesn't mean you see everything, but that you welcome the opportunities that come your way. You now realize that the fear you and others held about you discovering what was beyond that door were without merit. It would be understandably hard to adjust from an 18th-century lifestyle to a 20th-century one, much like adjusting from a straight, closeted life to an "out", open life is. But it's a welcome opportunity. The destination at the end of The Gravel Road is yours.

This is what the journey down the gravel road feels like:



This is what I feel when I see that closet door, approaching it with every footstep. I can't believe the moment is here, and I almost want to stay in the moment forever. Everything is happening in slow motion, then the gravity of the situation hits me (from Michael Clayton):



This is what it feels like when I open that closet door: still scared, overwhelmed, so much to take in, but hopeful. Much like Tom Hanks' character at the end of the movie Cast Away, I have a blank slate and I can start all over again:



This is how it feels to finally meet My Love beyond that stone wall (From The Cider House Rules):



...And this song, from The Fountain, describes every part of the journey:

What I Know For Sure

I haven't blogged in a while because I have felt fairly depressed, more so than I have felt in a long time. I don't think that there is any one reason; rather, I feel that it is a combination of stressors that have been mixed together and baked in the oven too long!

Last Sunday, I was talking with a friend about these feelings and my guesses as to what the "ingredients" were that baked this burnt pan of brownies. He urged me to write down the things about life and the Church that I still agree with, or that I still believe - especially on a personal level, rather than on an "organized" level of faith.

I made a promise to him that I would, and I am someone who likes to keep my promises. So that night at work (having worked the graveyard shift - all alone, I might add... SCARY!) I utilized that opportunity to write down my list. Here it is:

TENETS of MY FAITH:

--- God loves me unconditionally, AND He knows that I'm not perfect - and He's okay with that! So why shouldn't I be okay with that?

--- My personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is more important than any one church. I believe He knows that about me.

--- I know that Truth is found in every corner of this world - in its people, its places, its things. Truths can be found in most or all religions as well. There is Truth in the sun rising every single day without fail; there is Truth in a smile from a passerby, which brightens my day; there is Truth in the power of Love. I intend to find those Truths, wherever they may be.

--- Christ is, indeed, the Savior of the World and I owe it to Him to meet Him halfway.

--- Daily conversations with God are up to me, and He always picks up the phone to listen. Prayer is a pillar of my faith.

--- The Constitution is, indeed, a Divinely-inspired document and I consider it scripture.

--- At the end of the day, only Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know my life situation and my heart in its entirety.

Originally, the list above was my goal - to write about what I still believe in. However, my mind started to fill with ideas about THINGS THAT I'VE LEARNED:

--- The Spirit of the Law is more important than the Letter of the Law.

--- Church leaders, even Prophets (by definition, because they are still mortal men) are NOT infallible. They are human.

--- Personal revelation trumps Church doctrine and sometimes the Holy Ghost will communicate things to you that conflict with official Church teachings.

--- Forgiveness of others is more for the benefit of ourselves than it is for others. Heavenly Father does NOT want us to have poison stirring in our hearts.

--- The LDS Church is not what I thought it was; it is also a newspaper, a TV station, a business, and a PAC (Political Action Committee), among other things.

--- Missions are NOT essential for a male to receive Exaltation. (Really, I didn't know that. They do not teach you this.)

--- We are blessed according to obedience to specific laws rather than punished indirectly for an unrelated behavior. For example, I will not get bad grades just because I drank alcohol or viewed pornography; rather, if I study hard and meet Him halfway, despite having drunken alcohol or having viewed pornography, I will be blessed with a decent grade. Any "punishment" from the Lord will be directly related to my infractions.

--- Questioning authority is essential to living a balanced life - even if it turns out you were wrong.

--- Acceptance goes both ways - if we as a community want respect and acceptance from others, especially from the LDS Church and its members, then we need to respect and accept them as well.

--- Things are ultimately more complicated than they ever, ever seem. And, oftentimes, we don't even know the half of it - especially when it comes to spiritual issues.

And last, but not least...

--- Accepting yourself wholly, and unforgivingly, including your past and your weaknesses, is essential for happiness and inner peace.

I still had time on my lunch hour (2-3 a.m., as if that could ever be called "lunch"), so I browsed through an O magazine that was sitting on the table. Indeed, everything at that moment felt right; like I was in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, as you will see...

I stumbled upon the following article, which I later found out is a regular column by Oprah Winfrey in every issue of her magazine. This issue's (September 2009) was especially pertinent (All copyright to O magazine, emphasis added):

"What I Know For Sure"

"I'm always fascinated by lists of 'Most Powerful People,' and by the ways they use external things - fame, status, wealth - to define and rank power. It's curious how a person can go from the top of a list one year to unlisted the next - all in the blink of a board meeting. Was that person's power real, or was the power only in the position? We often get the two confused.
"For me, there is no real power without spiritual power. A power that comes from the core of who you are and reflects all that you were meant to be. A power that's connected to the source of things. When you see this kind of power shining through someone in all its truth and certainty, it's irresistible, inspiring, elevating. I can feel it in myself sometimes, mostly when I'm sharing an insight that I know will have an impact on someone's life and I can see that they 'get it.' Gary Zukav writes in The Seat of the Soul, 'When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose, and meaning... When the personality comes fully to serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic empowerment.' Fulfilling your purpose, with meaning, is what gives you that electrifying 'juice' and makes people stand in wonder at how you do it.
"The secret is alignment: when you know for sure that you're on course and doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, fulfilling your soul's intention, your heart's desire, or whatever you choose to call it (they're all the same thing). When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. And you may stumble, but you will not fall.
"I know for sure that in every challenging experience there's an opportunity to grow, enhance your life, or learn something invaluable about yourself. Every challenge can make you stronger if you allow it. Strength multiplied = power.
"For real.

"Oprah"

I could not believe what I had just read. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. In fact, this article reminds me of the experience I had the weekend before I came out of the closet.

Furthermore, I saw a chart in a different month's issue of O magazine, and it really struck a chord. I will try to recreate it as best I can (All copyright to O magazine):

FEAR/LOVE

- Always feels bad./Always feels good.
- Motivates grasping./Motivates liberation.
- Seizes control./Relaxes control.
- Insists on certainty./Accepts uncertainty.
- Needs everything./Needs nothing.

The part of this chart that really stood out to me was the couplet on "certainty." When we fear, it happens ahead of time. That is why we try to plan an "escape," an acceptable "alternative" or "response." We must be in control! But when we love, it happens in the moment. We do not fear what is going to happen next because we are enraptured in the moment, comfortable in our environment, and trust that things will work out...

Maybe that's what faith is: a loving trust. When we trust someone, we don't worry that things will fall through or get neglected because we can rely on that one person - and everyone has that one person. His name is Christ. His name knows no organized religion, for He is universal - that's why Truths can be found in every corner of this world. He does not speak through others as much as He speaks to our hearts to tell us that what we are hearing, or seeing, or feeling is true. Aligning ourselves with Christ and accepting His will for our individual selves, whatever it may be, will help us find our purpose and enrich our life experience. Because His name knows no specific religion, we should not feel ashamed; accepting ourselves as gay does not mandate an abandonment of Christ - he would NEVER abandon us. He is universal! I know He accepts me and loves me for what I am - one of His children who happens to be gay. And I am not ashamed.

This I know for sure.

"I just want to make you into a decent human being."

Someone said the above sentence to me just minutes ago. I couldn't believe that the words actually came out of "Josh's" mouth. I mean, I thought we were beyond this. It came in the midst of an argument over my "immaturity" of submitting a letter to the public forum of the Deseret News which (gasp!) was actually published - on a Sunday, which means that everyone and their dog saw it if they read the Opinion section. I've sent two letters before to the same newspaper within the last two years, and both were published - the last one also on a Sunday. But I guess that this one hit a nerve. Here is the (unedited) text of my letter, which was edited for length (I'm assuming). The boldened parts of the letter were not in the newspaper:

"I couldn't help but write in response to Tonia Freeman Doussett's letter ("Advocate's Hypocrisy"). She outlines the idea that the "kiss-in" at Main Street Plaza was a hypocritical, defiant attack aimed at the LDS Church. Here's how I see it: LDS Church spokeswoman Kim Farah released a statement saying that the two men had been "asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior just as any other couple would have been." That is misleading, at best - wedding pictures are taken on the Plaza all the time. Ironically, the LDS Church is ever-so-willing to be the unsolicited, self-proclaimed 'moral' police regarding a kiss on the cheek while at the same time turning a blind eye towards its thousands of members who are living in this country illegally, even going as far as sending some of these people on missions. Clearly, a kiss on the cheek from one male to another is what this is really all about. Trespassing, anyone?"

Now, of course the letter is provocative and somewhat contentious. By definition, this incident is provocative and contentious - how could my letter not be? I was trying to point out a glaring inconsistency, after all. I had read several letters and opinion pieces on the incident and no one had pointed out that illegal immigrants who live in the U.S. and who are also Church members are, in fact, "trespassing" on U.S. soil - but the Church has urged compassion on these people (and sends them on missions if they so choose, in addition to considering them Temple-worthy). I even read the police report when it became available (and the security guards made no mention of "groping" as the Church statements have). Even the Deseret News, in an article today, said that, "A police report said they sat down for a kiss and were approached by a pair of church security guards, who asked them to leave because their behavior was 'unwanted.'" (Emphasis added.) Because nobody else had made the point that I saw as most important, I felt the urge to write the letter myself as clearly as I could.

"Josh" was offended by my letter because "[I] attacked something very important to [him]." In response, I said, "Well, I feel hurt when my Church would arrest someone like me because of simple and affectionate homosexual behavior." "Josh's" response, "Oh, come on Drew! They were drunk! I see drunk people arrested all the time. If you want to be proud of that behavior then that's your choice."

When I accused "Josh" of being too worried about his image, and that being the reason why he was so upset, he said, "Drew, I just want to make you into a decent (code: good) human being." He also accused me of "hating" him.

I don't hate him. It hurts me to hear that he thinks I do. I love him and I know that he loves me. But I feel like I should have the right to write a letter to the local newspaper if I want to. If it hurts him that I wrote a letter that criticized his Church's property policy, then I understand that and I am sorry that he is hurt by it. But, like I said above, I am hurt when my Church would treat two men this way and then deny being homophobic, and even going as far as to say that a straight couple exhibiting the same behaviors on Church property would have been addressed in a similar manner. Puuuulease!

Furthermore, "Josh" echoed the "you're either with us or you're against us" attitude. I told him flat out that that attitude, when applied to anything, is a fallacy. To put your loyalty to the group, whether it be political, religious, or otherwise, is a trap that too many people fall into. I elaborated on why I thought this was wrong - and that's because without criticism then there is no vector for change, no drive for improvement, no way to become better. And the response from "Josh": "You are going to change the Church?!"

To clarify, I personally see a difference between "the Church" and "the Gospel" because THEY ARE DIFFERENT. Case in point, the Gospel is perfect, but the Church is not. The Church is led by mortal men and, try as we might, we can never perfect the Church while we, as fallen beings, are carrying out perfect revelation. It just can't happen: while the revelation we receive can be perfect or ideal, we may not carry it out in the same exact way that was intended - and that's okay. To accept the fact that we are not perfect and never will be so long as we have yet to experience death is a freeing action that we can choose to implement in our lives. Jesus Christ is the only person in the Earth's history to have been perfect while having a mortal body. To say that we can be perfected while still in our fallen state is to indirectly deny the great miracle and gift that Christ was.

I tried to explain this to "Josh", but he still thought that I was coming out in "open rebellion" to Church leaders. I told him that I assumed he was calling me an Apostate, but he denied it. I think that questioning, or even criticizing, Church property policies are not subject to being labeled as being in "open rebellion." Call me crazy, but agreeing with Church property policies is not a requisite for Baptism, Resurrection, or Exaltation. I don't believe that I have to agree with them for God to be pleased with me or even to love me. He loves me now, He has always loved me, and He will continue to love me for the rest of my life despite the opinions I hold or the actions I take because His love is unconditional. Furthermore, I don't believe that being a Mormon is a requisite for being a decent person. I refuse that notion at any and all levels.

So, at this time, I am choosing to agree-to-disagree: he may think I'm not a decent person, but I think I am. And although his choice of words hurts me, I think he's a decent, although different, person as well.

"Because you scare me..."

I went to SLC Pride this weekend - a little rainy, but I've interpreted it as "braving the storm." For, in fact, isn't that what we've all done? We should be proud of ourselves for doing that.

However, I faced a storm when I got home. You see, I had explained to my mom well ahead of time that I was going to the Pride Festival (as I had done the year before), but I did not explain this to my dad for two reasons. I figured that he would know I was gone but not know where I was going (as usual - which is TOTALLY fine), and I also figured that he would get angry and perhaps not let me go. So I figured that I would have to confront him with the truth when I got home. I didn't want to, but I knew it would be a possibility.

When I returned home, the only person there was my older brother who was napping in the basement. So I went to my room and straightened it up and started to watch TV. When my dad got home, he came up to my room and talked with me. Our conversation, recreated to the best of my memory and ability:

"Where were you?"

"I was hanging out with friends."

"Who? What were you doing?"

"You don't know them. We chilled, watched a movie, went out to eat. [All true - but with different groups of people.]

"Oh okay... Well I know you were at this Pride thing they've got going on downtown."

"How did you know I was there?"

"Drew, don't you think I would know? Sure, I know! Why wouldn't I know where you were?"

"Did mom tell you?"

"No, she didn't tell me. I just knew. [pause] So these 'people' you were with - I assume they struggle with the same thing? Are these the people from that thing in Lehi?" [I still don't know how he knew. I don't believe that my mom told him.]

"Yeah, they are the ones from Lehi."

"Um... It really disappoints me that you went to that thing [Pride]. It completely goes against everything that I've taught you."

"You haven't even been to it before."

"That doesn't mean that I don't have an idea of what it's about."

"Oh, so you're passing judgment on something and, by default, onto me, that you only have an 'idea' about? That's not fair. That doesn't make sense to me."

"I'm not passing judgment, Drew. I'm just trying to help you. Look - there is one view on homosexuality as far as the world is concerned, and that view is put on for show at these things."

"Oh, really?! What is this 'one view'?"

"The world doesn't separate the feelings from the behavior. They think that it's one way or the other; that if you have these feelings then you must act upon them."

"So? Just because you disagree with them doesn't mean that there's only one view."

"Well, yeah there is but not according to the world. The only time I have seen a positive view put forward and encouraged was that one guy who wrote that book [Ty Mansfield, co-author of In Quiet Desperation]. What's his name? [I didn't tell him his name.] Well, anyway, that is the only example I can think of where gay people are encouraged to obey the commandments, stay celibate, etc... And that is sad. It's a total shame."

[I should've said something snarky like, "Well I think it's sad that half of all of Utah's homeless teens identify as LGBT and have been kicked out of their homes," but I didn't.] "Well it's the Church's own fault. It's published by the Church [vicariously] and is sold in Deseret Book [a church-owned store]. You can't put that onto anyone else. The Church publishes it but doesn't let people know that they sell it. I have to find out from another gay person, who found out from another gay person, etc... You remember the pamphlet, God Loveth His Children? Well the only advertising the Church did [that I saw] was in the Deseret News. Bishop ______ didn't even know about it - I had to tell him when I went to talk with him once. You would think that the Church would make a huge announcement about new literature it produces, especially about something as important as this. How would Bishop ______ not know about it? You would think they would make it known to their leadership if they produced something like that."

"I just don't think the world is ready for it yet. One day all of this will seem trivial because it will become a non-issue. But it hasn't happened yet."

"Dad, things are changing, and I want to be a part of it. It's a process; it doesn't just happen overnight. I'm not going to put my life on hold because the world's not ready for it yet."

[long pause]

"You know, Drew? This whole 'ASS' thing is taking its toll on me. It really is." [I'm not joking, either. He really said this.]

"'ASS' thing? 'SSA', you mean?" [laughing and rolling my eyes]

"Yeah, sorry: SSA. It just takes its toll, you know?"

"Uh, yeah... I know."

"And it really just upsets me when you wear your ring." [My ring is silver with a flat top, in which six small fake stones, each one a different color rainbow, are set.]

"Why?!"

"Because I don't think that it represents what you think it represents."

"Well what do you think it represents? What do you think when you see it?"

"I think it sends the message, 'Hey! Come have a good time! Yeah, come on over. Let's hook up and have a good time. I'm looking for somethin'.'"

"Well that's not what it means."

"Well that's what I'm saying - that you are sending the wrong message by wearing it. And I don't like you to wear it because I think that people who don't know you well enough will think that about you when it's not true."

"Well that's their problem, not mine."

"I just think that it does you a disservice. [long pause] Yeah, Drew, it just really shreds my heart when I see you wearing that ring. It really does. [short pause] It's like you're shoving it in people's faces!"

"What?! That doesnt' even make sense, Dad. You wear a wedding ring - does that mean that you're shoving your marriage down in people's faces? At work? At the gym? In Church?" [When I was talking with Scott earlier today, he made a comparison to a "CTR" ring that I could've used in my argument.]

"I just don't like it. In all my life, I have never seen another person wear a ring like that - not once. And yet you feel as if you must wear it. I don't understand that."

"Well you obviously don't know a lot of gay people then."

"Oh, that's bologna! You don't think I've seen gay people downtown? None of them feel like they need to wear a ring."

"Well I do. Besides, it's a ring - you don't just walk up to someone and check to see if they are wearing a ring. That's ridiculous."

"Well, no, but rings are noticeable. And yours would stick out like a sore thumb!"

[long pause]

"Dad, I would be willing to not wear my ring during a specific time, day, or place just for you. Do you want me to do that?

"No. Drew, I love you and I hope you know that. I worry about your safety. I just don't want you coming home one day beat up."

"I know. Love you, too."

[He comes over to the bed, where I am sitting, and gives me a hug. About five minutes later I walk down the stairs and he is smiling and getting ready to go to the family party at my relatives' house. My mom and sister are in the kitchen just around the corner.]

"Thanks for talking with me. I guess we just don't have very good communication. I want to have that communication with you. How come you tell mom things and not me sometimes?"

"Because you scare me..."

Metacontingencies: Giving Them a Reason

As I was studying for my Behavior Analysis final tonight, I read some interesting material that gave me some insight as to why society, in general, has a hard time changing its customary traditions and accepting gay marriage. It all has to do with metacontingencies.

Before I go any further, I want to cite the textbook from which I am borrowing information:

Pierce, W. D., & Cheney, C. (2008) Behavior Analysis and Learning. Great Britain: Psychology Press.

In addition, I will provided in-text notations regarding the page numbers on which I found the information.

First, in order to understand what a metacontingency is, one must understand what a contingency is in regards to the study of behavior. A contingency "defines the relationship between the [environment], the operant [a willful behavior], and the consequences that follow the behavior" (344). So, in other words, an environment or situation sets the occasion for a behavior to be willed, with positive or negative consequences following. These consequences influence whether the individual will emit (will) the particular behavior in the future.

Does that make sense?

So, a metacontingency describes "the contingent relations among cultural practices and the effects of those practices for the group" (354). Therefore, a metacontingency describes a contingency of behavior on a cultural level rather than on an individual level (which a contingency describes).

A further example, as provided by the text:

"A culture is said to be evolved when the community adopts these innovations. Adoption of innovations depends on the metacontingencies facing the group. For example, a new food crop with higher yield is selected when the metacontingencies favor increased grain production. This could occur when a community is impoverished or when higher yielding crops support the feeding of domestic animals used for work or consumption. Higher yield crops may not be selected when food is overly abundant, when increased grain supply leads to problems of storage, or when a new crop attracts pests that spread disease" (337).

In other words, our behavior as individuals, families, societies is influenced by its consequences. If a behavior or practice will produce a benefit, then we are more likely to emit this behavior than if the consequences were neutral or negative.

It is with this premise that I present a new approach to establish gay marriage as an option throughout this country: we must give society a reason to not just want gay marriage, but to need it. The bottom line is that society will change with its circumstances - just look at the current recession. Would the Bush and Obama administrations have bailed out companies if there were no benefits (that may be real or perceived)? If there was not economic worry, these administrations would not have bailed out anybody. And if these bailouts do not work, then future administrations will be more likely to refuse the bailing-out of companies.

At the end of the day, those who are against gay marriage don't see any benefit for themselves. In fact, most don't even see the issue's consequences as neutral - they see them as negative and harmful. It is our job to illustrate to them the benefits that gay marriage will bring to them as individuals, as families, and as an American society. Now, I believe that there are indeed some benefits to legalizing gay marriage, but that is not the issue. Even if those benefits are only perceived by society, then they will be more accepting of gay marriage. Now, I'm not advocating that we lie to them or promote a false agenda; all I am saying is that we need to get them to become more comfortable in other ways, such as being more willing to even discuss the issue rather than ignore it or shut it down.

That is why "coming out" is (in my opinion) the most effective way to win sympathy for us as individuals and as a group, as well as the most effective way to win votes for gay marriage. In behavioral psychology terms, this is because their contingencies have changed. They no longer feel innocent for voting against gay marriage because now they know people on a personal level who will be directly affected by their votes. The process of "coming out" by one person sets the occasion for the listeners (a.k.a. friends and family) to emit a different behavior (vote for gay marriage), which will be followed by consequences (which may vary due to many factors).

This is supported (I believe) by further passages from the text:

"A common observation is that cultural practices in humans often remain unchanged over many generations, even when these customs make no sense. A practice may persist for many years because the members of the group who engage in it fail to contact a change in the metacontingencies. At the individual level, a person [obeys]... the taboo because the social contingencies arranged by the group [for disobeying the taboo] avert contact with the positive reinforcement contingency. Cultural practices also may persist when the metacontingencies are stable and the current practices are sufficient to meet the contingencies" (337-8).

In other words, if circumstances don't change, then people and society will never change. People stick to tradition (opposing gay marriage) because not doing so will produce negative consequences (administered by their families, friends, churches, etc...).

Calls for change challenge individuals to really consider what they need and what society needs. So it is not just our job to challenge on an individual level but on a societal level as well. We need to make the consequences for supporting gay marriage positive for the individual and for society. Only then will people be willing to accept us and realize that we have rights as divine creatures. After all, people will only do something if there is some benefit (short- or long-term) to themselves; if there is nothing of personal benefit for supporting gay marriage, then people will not support it. Support can be defined in any way the individual perceives; it can be intrinsically motivated ("I feel good when I value my fellow citizens with equality") or it can be extrinsically motivated ("It will encourage American acceptance abroad"). The point is that we must stress the positive consequences for individuals and societies who support gay marriage. Only then will we win our rightful cause.

Transitions and Why I Give Myself the Benefit of the Doubt

I have had a lot of closure in my life as of late. I came out on Facebook two weeks ago, I have basically moved out of my family's home, I have a job interview tomorrow that I am almost sure will secure me employment, and today was my last scheduled OCD therapy session.

Of course, some of these "closures" have opened up new opportunities that have given me new experiences; I feel like I am transitioning to something new every day, and I feel like I am not succeeding as much as I'd like. I feel like the Angels in Angels in America, who come to Earth to tell the human race that they are always constantly moving and changing, and that sometimes all that is needed is constancy and static; sometimes change is not good.

I don't mean to imply that I am not liking all these changes; on the contrary, most of them are welcome, although not all of them are easy. And despite most of them being welcome, that doesn't make them any more tolerable. It's just that I feel like all of these changes are happening to fast.

Oddly, though, I know for each and every one of these changes that now is the right time. I feel like God is guiding me and directing me; I look back at all the times I was frustrated when I didn't get a job after an interview; at all the times when I wanted to "come out" but someone or something held me back; at all the times when I didn't understand why I should go to USU when I had a better scholarship somewhere else; and see that I was being guided yet didn't know it at these times.

Looking back and realizing when and how I was guided has increased my testimony and my faith in His timing.

Of course, it is presumptuous to think that the job I am interviewing for tomorrow is mine. But I feel as though things will work out: if I get it, then great! And if I don't, then great! I know that His will is all that matters at this point, and that I just have to trust it. Trust Him.


To add more thoughts on my experience with OCD therapy...

I can't believe that the eight weeks are over! Before starting the therapy, I completed a three hour intake assessment. Following that, I received weekly treatment for eight weeks. And today, I completed the outtake assessment.

Completing the outtake assessment has opened my eyes to exactly how much improvement I have made in controlling my thoughts (obsessions) and actions (compulsions). During the outtake today, the person doing my assessment had my intake notes to guide her in the outtake process. Basically, she only asked me the questions that related to specific obsessions and compulsions that I had responded to at the intake. Honestly, I had forgotten how much this controlled my life. She was asking me questions about obsessions and compulsions that were a real part of my life before therapy but now seem foreign. In fact, they seemed foreign enough that sometimes I didn't even remember that they had ever existed!

This is so exciting to me! Now, I still have some bad days when I can't seem to control my obsessions or compulsions, but that's okay. Part of the therapy is facing the fact that real people have anxiety (obsessions) over things; in other words, OCD has no cure because if the definition were "no anxious thoughts" then everyone would have OCD. The best way to "cure" OCD is to train a person's mind to realize that it is okay to feel anxiety, but giving anxious thoughts too much credence will make them grow in number and frequency. Oddly enough, making a conscious effort to battle OCD actually makes the situation worse; the best way to "fight" OCD is to actually not fight at all. Another lesson that I learned was that anxiety fluctuates continually due to many factors: age, season, situations one faces or experiences, etc... Sometimes to have intense anxiety is perfectly normal and okay (such as in response to the death of a loved one).

I feel like a new person! Although I am still diagnosed as having OCD, it is currently in a mild state as compared to what it was eight weeks ago. For the longest time I couldn't comprehend why the Lord told me (through prayer) that I must go to USU; I had a better scholarship at another school, it is more expensive for me to live away from home, and it is quite inconvenient in so many ways. However, walking out of my seventh session it just hit me: I am here because I needed to receive this treatment. And what was the cherry on top? It was free!

The lessons I've learned have generalized to other areas of my life. I used to feel so frustrated with myself for having gay feelings and for being interested in gay-oriented movies, books, and topics. It used to cause me to experience so much discomfort, and I thought that it was because having these feelings and being interested in these things were inherently immoral. But now I know better. Of course I am going to be interested in these things: I am gay, after all! Wanting to watch Brokeback Mountain is a natural reaction for a gay individual from any background. It is no more surprising or immoral for a straight individual to have a desire to watch The Notebook or to read the book of the same name.

In short, the lessons I've learned from my OCD therapy experience actually helped me to give myself some credit. Honestly, before OCD therapy I thought that giving myself the benefit of the doubt would be a cop-out. I didn't like the idea because it made me feel as though I was weak and needed to rationalize what I was thinking or doing in order to make myself feel better. But now I know that people need to give themselves the benefit of the doubt sometimes just to keep themselves from exploding!

Interestingly, this concept relates to the Atonement. Realizing that we are not perfect (giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt) makes use of the Atonement because we are demonstrating to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that we know we are not perfect, that we know we need help, and that not only do we have knowledge of the Atonement, but that we have enough faith in it to put it to use in our lives. After all, it is only He that can heal our wounds and truly make us whole. And the shortcomings that fall through the cracks when we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt (which has a prerequisite of trying to meet Him halfway) will be forgiven if and when we pass our burdens and trials over to Him with faith.

Finally... Peace

I had a spiritual experience the other night that was purely amazing, and I feel confident in what I was blessed with and how my prayers were answered.

The other night I felt this urge to go to Denny's by myself and ponder about my life, my choices, my future, etc... I pulled into the parking lot and said a prayer, asking Heavenly Father if He would please bring those things to my mind that I should be pondering, to guide my thinking, to make things clearer to me, and to bring me some closure, some peace of mind.

As I was sitting in the restaurant (at 2/2:30 a.m.) the moment hit me like a rock. I was supposed to be here on this day, in this restaurant, at this time. I felt peaceful, loved and cared for by Him. My heart was full with joy and gratitude because He was reminding me of all the blessings I had received throughout my life, despite the trials and hardships I had endured.

When I got home, I thought that the moment was over; it wasn't. I wanted to listen to my iPod as I fell asleep, something I usually do, but I just felt that doing that on this night was not right. As I was in my room I felt the urge to pick up an LDS quote book and read the quotes selected for Friday and Saturday: "Covenants and Oaths" & "Preserve Your Divine Heritage." After that, I noticed The Secret placed on my nightstand; I picked it up also, flipping to a random page. The page I flipped to described the trials of a gay man and how he used "The Secret" to be happy and positive:

"His whole life changed because he changed from focusing on what he did not want, what he was afraid of, what he wanted to avoid, to focusing on what he did want."

I again flipped the page randomly and the following was written:

"If you do just a little research, it is going to become evident to you that anyone that ever accomplished anything, did not know how they were going to do it. They only knew they were going to do it."

I flipped the page randomly for the last time and the following was written:

"Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive - Matthew 21:22" (emphasis added)

I knew that I was meant to see those three passages at that exact moment, and I was grateful that he was guiding me in my pondering.

I got into bed and laid down on my back and prayed once more. It was the most amazing moment I have ever experienced. I realized that I had been following The Secret principles throughout the night: I wanted peace and to be guided, so I prayed for peace, to be guided - and I experienced a feeling of peace, and I was being guided by Him.

I did not decide what to pray about; rather I listened for the promptings as to what I should pray about. After a few stumped moments I felt that I had three specific people that I needed to forgive, that I needed to address them through prayer; it was weird because I didn't even think about who they might be: I knew exactly who these three people were. I proceeded to address these people as if I was talking directly to them. I told them I was sorry for them because of _____. I told them how I am choosing to forgive them for what they did (or neglected to do). That healing experience was something I never could have done by myself, and the fact that it finally happened was an answer to a prayer; He knew that it was time to heal.

I prayed about how I was saddened that the three out of four people in my family who have died have all been those who I was really close to: my great Aunt and both of my grandmothers. (My great Aunt Norma lived her life solo, something that I may have to go through, and can't even imagine at this moment. My Grandma Christensen was fairly independent. She told people exactly what she felt, but at the same time being someone who knows how hard life is. She went through her own trials, and would certainly admit that she wasn't perfect. My mom has told me that she knows only two people who would go to the movies by themselves: me and my Grandma Christensen. I grew closer to my Grandma Stelter as I got older. I got her hooked on Lost and me and her were avid supporters of Barack Obama (although she lamented Hillary Clinton's loss)). At that moment, something changed. I look back and realize that subconsciously I knew that something was odd. I leaned up and looked around the room more than once, but I could not see anyone or hear anything. However, I knew that there was a different spirit in the room; my room had literally transformed into a Holy Place. I felt as though everything that was happening in the world was going on in my room. It was so surreal. I was reliving the last moment I had with my Grandma Stelter, and I was blessed that she had remembered my name, her relationship to me, and what I was doing in life; days later she would die. A connection existed between us the other night that I cannot deny. It was testified to me that she still knew who I was; she knew what was going on right now in my life; she knew the choices I've made and the choices I face. She testified to me that I was not alone - that she was with me and wanted me to be happy.

Later during my prayer, relating to the quotes above, it was testified to me that whatever happens, I was going to be happy. I didn't know how I was going to be happy, how I was going to find that happiness, all I knew is that I was going to be happy. I didn't know what that happiness entailed, all I knew is that I was going to be happy.

The only thing that left me confused was something that I know was testified to me; why I am confused is because I'm wondering why something like that would be testified to me. It was testified to me that at this time in my life, the Church is doing me more harm than good; that I am not meant to be involved with it at this time. I know that it does not mean an abandonment of Gospel principles, but rather an involvement with the Church. I know that this was testified to me. And yet, at the same time, it was testified to me that I am going to be happy. I didn't know what that entailed, how it was going to come about; all I knew was that I was going to be happy. Both of these things were testified unto me. Whatever the contradiction, I know that He will guide me and it will all work out.

I finished by asking the Lord to bless me with peace, completeness, and wholeness, and I trusted that it would come; I behaved as though I had already received it. And I did receive it from Him.

When I woke up the next day I was no longer angry about most of the things I was angry about before this experience. The past no longer mattered to me. I read the news headlines without any anger. I thought about anger-producing things and I felt no anger. I was peaceful and content.

And yet again, the next night (last night) I felt the prompting to pray again, that the prayer the night before went incomplete. I laid in bed wondering what could possibly be left to say, as I had felt amazing things the night before and all felt right to me. I felt the prompting that there was one more person that I needed to forgive, that I had neglected to forgive this person the night before. I tried to think about who this person was, but I could not place a finger on it. It was in stark contrast to the night before, where I had immediately known who the three specific people were that I needed to forgive. But the Lord let me know that the person I still needed to forgive was myself. I asked the Lord to guide my thoughts to the things that I needed to forgive about myself, and He let me know. I accepted the things about my past; I accepted that fact that I had no control over my past, that I could not re-write history; I accepted all the trials that I've gone through, and was grateful for how they changed me; I accepted my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and realized that they are not deficits in my person. And most of all, I accepted the fact that I am a Beautiful Creature of value and worth; that I am a Child, even a Son, of God, and that God's love is unconditional and He will always have love for me.

I wish I could relive the past two days over and over and over again. It sounds cliche, but I feel totally comfortable dying now; I trust Him and trust His plan for me. I can't see the big picture like He can, but I know that if I trust Him, then I can experience those things that He wants me to experience, and for my betterment.

I really don't know what is going to happen next, but I welcome it because I trust His promise that I am going to be happy.

After reading this, please do what He tells you to do, what He prompts you to do. Trust him.

My Second Family; "Hands of Sodom"

This past Friday was one of the best days I have ever had in my entire life. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true...

After class on Friday, Neena, Mari, Chase, Alyx, Scott, Zach, and I hung out all day long. We blasted the radio and drove to Salt Lake City. Mari stopped by her work, I turned in my papers and got my badge at PCMC, and then we headed back to Fort Union to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It was the most pointless movie I have ever seen, but that didn't matter to me (even though I am a film buff); I had so much fun with them. I felt so close to them and I feel like we just "get" each other. Politically, we disagree; some of us support McCain and some of us support Obama, but that doesn't matter. We're okay with each other, and diffuse arguments by saying, "Oh that's just (insert name here)." And Neena is a freakin' absolute riot! She will say the funniest things without even blinking an eye. For example, the topic of swearing came up and Neena tried to get Scott to say the f-word. He flat-out refused. She then tried to get him to say the s-word. He flat-out refused again. She decided on a different approach: "Simon says, 'Shit.'" We all busted a gut; it was such a "Neena" thing to say. And then someone brought up a good point: "Wouldn't it be, 'Simon says say 'Shit''? Because 'Simon says, 'Shit'' literally means to take one!" Oh Neena, I love you so much I can't stand it!

After the movie, we chilled for awhile and then drove down Walker Lane. For those of you who don't know, Walker Lane is home to the richest people in Utah (who don't live in Park City). I believe that former Utah Jazz player John Stockton used to live on Walker Lane. Anyway, these homes are far back from the street, hidden by dense trees and high walls, by private lanes with gates. Scott told us about a house on Walker Lane that was supposedly abandoned, so we parked the car and snuck behind the gate to see if it was still empty; we trespassed and were exploring! When we got our first glimpse of the mansion (it looked like plantation house) Neena commented that this was Utah Jazz owner Larry H. Miller's former house. The pool was empty, but the house had furniture in it. We stayed low in the bushes so that no one inside the house could see us, but through the window we saw someone move and we totally booked it out of there! While running, we heard a car starting up and I thought we were going to get caught and arrested. But we weren't. Take that rich people!

We headed up to Salt Lake City again because Mari forgot to do something at work. And by then we were all starving so we ate at the Red Butte Cafe (which is delicious, but overpriced). We had talked earlier about having a "movie night," so we drove back to Fort Union to the Redbox at Wal-Mart and their selection sucked so we drove down the street to Blockbuster. We wanted to rent a movie from the "8 Films" Horrorfest series, but an employee recommended Wolf Creek as the best scary movie they had, so we rented it instead. Back at Neena's house (which she has all to herself for four months because her parents are divorced and her dad is in Iran for business) we chilled on the couch and flipped on the movie. It stank. But, again, it didn't matter. I hadn't hung out with my classmates since June when we graduated high school; this day more than made up for it.

And to boot, I had the opportunity last night to go to a free play with some MoHo buddies at Westminster College entitled Hands of Sodom. It is about Jane, a Mormon teenager who "comes out" to her family twice; the first act shows all the horrible mistakes the characters made with tragic results, and the second act shows how the situation could've been turned into a positive thing for her family. It is kind of reminiscent of the movie Sliding Doors, where one simple thing such as a sliding door can mean life or . Well, I was surprised when I got to the box office booth because right there at the table was sitting Ms. Jenni-Lou Oakes, a former communications teacher of mine. It turns out that she had directed the play. There were no seats left, but she so generously let us stand in the back to watch the first act and, during intermission, she placed three additional seats for us.

Now, for my critique. I enjoyed it; I mean, it's not everyday that you get to see a play about gaay Mormons (especially in Utah). It was fairly good for being put together in just five weeks, but I thought it could've been better. Some of the acting was over-the-top (Jane's brother, for example), and the depiction of a typical Mormon family was missing; the average Mormon family does not have closet-drunks, nor does it take the name of the Lord in vain or use the f-word. I felt that that authenticity wasn't there. However, it was still a good attempt to open people's eyes to the fact that some Mormons are gaay and that they are trying to handle this conflict with their faith in the best way possible. I admire Jenni-Lou for being willing to stand up for something she believes in, especially in a state that isn't known for its political or culltural diversity.

My (Not So) Secret Love Affair

While I should be writing about how my clinical experience is currently going, I just don't have the energy right now. So, I have decided to write about something fun that doesn't take to much brain power: My (Not So) Secret Love Affair.

That's right! Except it's not what you think. Those who know me well can easily guess who/what it is with. But for those who don't know me so well, here it is: I have a (Not So) Secret Love Affair with the television show "Will & Grace."

I currently own seven of the show's eight total seasons, and that's only because the eighth season isn't available in stores yet (it comes out next month.) In fact, using some freeware and trial-ware programs I have been able to convert every single episode from my Will & Grace DVD collection into an iPod format on my computer.

Why do I love this show so much? From browsing my profile one would find that it doesn't seem to fit in with my other shows: Lost, Prison Break, The Amazing Race, and Project Runway. (Well, maybe it does find some compatibility with Project Runway!) However, several reasons exist for this never-ending love affair.

Reason #1: Karen (Megan Mullally)

Megan Mullally has crafted the best sitcom character in television history. While on the surface her character is a caricature of a financially detached alcoholic socialite, it wasn't always that way. Watching the first season you notice that her trademark high-pitched voice hasn't kicked in yet. It isn't until the very last episodes of the first season that Karen is born. Her ability to develop nuance(s) or a "layering" of her character is rarely done so successfully in sitcoms.

She has the best one-liners and steals nearly every scene she's in. The following is a link to a fan website where you can listen to some of her best lines:

http://www.durfee.net/will/media_audio.htm#Karen

Also, the following video clip is from my favorite scene of my favorite episode of "Will & Grace." It is from season two and the episode is entitled, "Hey La, Hey La, My Ex-Boyfriend's Back." (It can be found on the same home website as the link above.)



Reason #2: It's Not a Show ... It's Good a Show

I have friends whose parents will not let them watch this show because it "promotes the acceptance of ity." To their parents I say, "It's about time." A good lesson can be learned by watching this show: while you may not personally agree with this aspect of a person's life (which may or may not be biological), you can still recognize his/her right to live his/her life the way he/she wants to (as long as it is not harming another person.) I think that Christ would want me to accept anybody and everybody without hesitation (again, as long as his/her/their actions are not harming anyone.) And while some say that ity is inherently harmful, I say to them: "Show me documented proof." Harmful to whom? The person who experiences those feelings? His/her family members, both immediate and extended? The possible children involved? Harmful because it is, in fact, inherently harmful or only because society says it is harmful? The fact is, I can accept a person for who they are without condoning their actions. And that goes for anyone, not just s.

Reason #3: Casting Perfection

Have you ever started watching a show and just couldn't help thinking that the casting was absolutely perfect? So have I. One of those shows is "Seinfeld." I'm not a fan of "Friends," but some would argue the casting on that show was perfect as well. Did you know that Megan Mullally (Karen) was almost cast as Grace (Debra Messing)? Do you know how horribly screwed up this show would be if that had been the case? I mean, no Karen?! Sean Hayes is not in real life, but you would never be able to tell that about him if you did not know his background. Eric McCormack (Will) and Debra Messing (Grace) have great chemistry, even if my appetite for more Jack and Karen is never satiated.

Reason #4: My Short(ening) Attention Span

As I have grown older (as if I'm a dinosaur) I have noticed that my attention span has diminished more than I thought was possible. Case in point: I hardly ever listen to a complete song on my iPod anymore; I just can't wait for the next song. When I was younger, it wasn't uncommon for me to be reading up to five novels at any one time; I haven't read a fiction novel in almost two years. I've started some books and browsed through several others, but I just don't have the dedication. Because this show is only twenty-two minutes long per episode on DVD, I can easily digest around two or three episodes in one sitting.

What else can I say? I just love my Will & Grace!