For the past while, I have been so restless to the point of insanity! I am such a busy-body anyway: I am always the one tapping my fingers on the counter, chewing gum, bouncing my legs, chewing on a pencil, etc... But this is different.
It's not like I have ADD or anything, but I feel like I am always looking for something else to do. When I am at work, I just want to be home catching up on yesterday's "LOST" episode; hanging out with a friend; taking a nap, etc... And then when I have time to actually do those things, I don't. And then I find myself wanting again when I can't have it.
Right now, I am my own worst enemy.
I spend so much time waiting for the next thing to come along, just antsy waiting for an opportunity to come my way, that I end up doing nothing! It's absolutely astonishing, actually. I look at the clock and I've spent my entire evening doing nothing but wanting and my mind racing.
It's so terribly sad because I try to make plans, try to prioritize, try to stay ahead of the curve, but I just don't.
I wonder if I am trying to do too much; if I am thinking too much; if I am wanting too much.
It is hard for me to even listen to a whole song on my iPod; I'm always changing the song before it is over. I pick a song that I want to hear, change it midway through to something else "better," and then change that song midway through until I just turn my iPod off and wonder what I should do next. This is so symbolic of my life in general.
I am so bored, so ready to move on in so many ways. I'm only twenty years old, but I feel like I'm fairly mature for my age. I am making a lot of money for someone my age, in a career that is specialized (AKA not entry-level); I am ready for a serious relationship, and I feel like I have a lot to offer and that I want to have a connection with someone that is not just a friend; I want to move out but I don't want to live by myself!
I feel like I am trying to make things happen but that something always holds me back. I know that I've tried. My family knows that I've tried. My friends know that I've tried. I just feel ready for something new, something different, something exciting! I am sick of negativity, and the seemingly inevitable failure of trying.
It's amazing that I'm bored - my life has been anything but boring lately. My older brother is getting married next month; my younger brother is leaving on a mission next month; my grandfather just passed away (and now I have no grandparents); I have started taking call at work; school has been anything but easy; and the list goes on...
To be fair to myself though, I have always thrived when I am busy. That's just my personality: I thrive under stress.
Maybe I just have too much time on my hands...
One thing gives me hope, though. About ten days ago, when I was driving to work, I had a distinct feeling that a change was coming. I didn't know if it was a good change or a bad change, but I felt that one was coming. I feel like this came from the Holy Ghost, but I have no clue what this change is supposed to (have) be(en) - maybe it's already happened! (There have been some major changes in the past couple of days.)
But I hope this change is still ahead because I'm still bored!
Remember Remember
8 years ago
3 comments:
Oh how I understand what you are going through. I have had the same challenge all of my life. I almost laughed out loud when I read about you skipping forward in the middle of a song for the "better" song. Not to minimize the stress it causes you, but rather because I do the same thing.
It's particularly a challenge at work for me. My job requires multi-tasking skills, and I manage to do well for the most part. But some days I look at my list and just can't decide where to start.
Likewise I almost always start my weekends off with grand plans of doing this or accomplishing that. Then I fret about it all long enough that I'm lucky to get the pool filter cleaned. I have a laundry room that needs the "finishing touches" on a paint job that I started 5 months ago.
I don't have any solutions to offer. Just know that you are by no means alone.
It's not like I have ADD or anything...
Are you sure? There's no shame in having ADD (I'm attention-deficient myself).
"Adult ADD" is not recognized or diagnosed as frequently as the childhood version, but some of us do have a physiological predisposition to scattered-ness. Meds have helped me on and off, but I've also been able to learn to cope without them.
Regardless of whether you have what would be clinically diagnosed as ADD, at least you recognize an issue and the challenges it makes for you. That's the first step toward learning how to overcome it or work around it.
Best of luck in learning to focus your attention and efforts--and good luck with whatever "change" has come or is coming! You deserve every good change that comes your way!
[[HUG]]
Sometimes the best thing we can do is "Be still". I have had to learn this myself because I have the same personality type that you do. The Bible says, "Be still and know that I am God". While I don't think this always literally means to be still, I think it tells us that a mature attitude is often to just be quiet and listen to what God might be trying to talk to you about or influence you about. There is also a lot in the scripture about the benefits of "waiting". It's OK to be still, quiet, and wait. Sometimes those are the most productive times. People who meditate seem to get a lot out of it. I have never been completely successful at it, but I am learning that it is OK, and sometimes very productive to be still and quiet.
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