You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

It's been a long time since I've posted - almost exactly two months. That doesn't mean that I have nothing to write or express; I have had many experiences since my last post that I could have shared, but I didn't. There are two main reasons for this: 1) Many of these experiences have been private and I want to preserve that nature of these experiences, and 2) I feel as if my struggle has been winding down; I have much more peace than I used to have, and I like who I am, wholly and unforgivingly. I still have struggles sometimes with regards to my orientation - but who doesn't? I have accepted that nothing will ever be completely stable or resolved. That's just the nature of life - and there's nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, I have been moved to share the following with you, which is the main reason why I'm writing this post.

I used to make fun of the "band geeks" in high school for being obsessed with Josh Groban. The only song of his that I had heard at that point was, "You Raise Me Up," and I thought it was uber-cheesy. Therefore, I didn't see what was so special about him except that he was the only young guy I knew that seemed to target the 40+ year-old female demographic. That's not something that young guys did, that was something that Neil Diamond did, so I made fun of Josh Groban.

Well, I hope those "band geeks" can forgive me, because Josh Groban is amazing. I've had many neat experiences that involve his songs.

One of these experiences happened when I was driving on my way to work. I had been listening to "The Secret" on CD, and turned it off at a concluding point, something to the effect that, "Believing is the most important step in the 'Ask, Believe, Receive' process." [As a side note, the process is based in scripture: Mark 11:24] The moment I turned off the CD my car stereo immediately flipped on the radio to the station I was listening to the last time I had been listening to the radio. The song that was playing on this station was, "Believe," by Josh Groban. It happened to be in the middle of the song and the first line of lyric that I heard was, "You have everything you need if you just believe."

I was stunned. I have had enough experiences like this to know without a doubt that nothing happens without reason. Everything has meaning.

Most recently, I have been listening to, "You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)," a lot more than I used to. It has taken on meaning in my life. I feel the power of the lyrics not just because they are poetic and beautiful, but because I feel like I could have written these lyrics. I know how Josh Groban feels when he sings them. I know how it feels to say, "When your heart's heavy/ I, I will lift it for you/ Don't give up/ Because you want to be heard/ If silence keeps you/ I, I will break it for you."

To My Angel: Don't give up, because You are loved.

What I Know For Sure

I haven't blogged in a while because I have felt fairly depressed, more so than I have felt in a long time. I don't think that there is any one reason; rather, I feel that it is a combination of stressors that have been mixed together and baked in the oven too long!

Last Sunday, I was talking with a friend about these feelings and my guesses as to what the "ingredients" were that baked this burnt pan of brownies. He urged me to write down the things about life and the Church that I still agree with, or that I still believe - especially on a personal level, rather than on an "organized" level of faith.

I made a promise to him that I would, and I am someone who likes to keep my promises. So that night at work (having worked the graveyard shift - all alone, I might add... SCARY!) I utilized that opportunity to write down my list. Here it is:

TENETS of MY FAITH:

--- God loves me unconditionally, AND He knows that I'm not perfect - and He's okay with that! So why shouldn't I be okay with that?

--- My personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is more important than any one church. I believe He knows that about me.

--- I know that Truth is found in every corner of this world - in its people, its places, its things. Truths can be found in most or all religions as well. There is Truth in the sun rising every single day without fail; there is Truth in a smile from a passerby, which brightens my day; there is Truth in the power of Love. I intend to find those Truths, wherever they may be.

--- Christ is, indeed, the Savior of the World and I owe it to Him to meet Him halfway.

--- Daily conversations with God are up to me, and He always picks up the phone to listen. Prayer is a pillar of my faith.

--- The Constitution is, indeed, a Divinely-inspired document and I consider it scripture.

--- At the end of the day, only Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know my life situation and my heart in its entirety.

Originally, the list above was my goal - to write about what I still believe in. However, my mind started to fill with ideas about THINGS THAT I'VE LEARNED:

--- The Spirit of the Law is more important than the Letter of the Law.

--- Church leaders, even Prophets (by definition, because they are still mortal men) are NOT infallible. They are human.

--- Personal revelation trumps Church doctrine and sometimes the Holy Ghost will communicate things to you that conflict with official Church teachings.

--- Forgiveness of others is more for the benefit of ourselves than it is for others. Heavenly Father does NOT want us to have poison stirring in our hearts.

--- The LDS Church is not what I thought it was; it is also a newspaper, a TV station, a business, and a PAC (Political Action Committee), among other things.

--- Missions are NOT essential for a male to receive Exaltation. (Really, I didn't know that. They do not teach you this.)

--- We are blessed according to obedience to specific laws rather than punished indirectly for an unrelated behavior. For example, I will not get bad grades just because I drank alcohol or viewed pornography; rather, if I study hard and meet Him halfway, despite having drunken alcohol or having viewed pornography, I will be blessed with a decent grade. Any "punishment" from the Lord will be directly related to my infractions.

--- Questioning authority is essential to living a balanced life - even if it turns out you were wrong.

--- Acceptance goes both ways - if we as a community want respect and acceptance from others, especially from the LDS Church and its members, then we need to respect and accept them as well.

--- Things are ultimately more complicated than they ever, ever seem. And, oftentimes, we don't even know the half of it - especially when it comes to spiritual issues.

And last, but not least...

--- Accepting yourself wholly, and unforgivingly, including your past and your weaknesses, is essential for happiness and inner peace.

I still had time on my lunch hour (2-3 a.m., as if that could ever be called "lunch"), so I browsed through an O magazine that was sitting on the table. Indeed, everything at that moment felt right; like I was in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, as you will see...

I stumbled upon the following article, which I later found out is a regular column by Oprah Winfrey in every issue of her magazine. This issue's (September 2009) was especially pertinent (All copyright to O magazine, emphasis added):

"What I Know For Sure"

"I'm always fascinated by lists of 'Most Powerful People,' and by the ways they use external things - fame, status, wealth - to define and rank power. It's curious how a person can go from the top of a list one year to unlisted the next - all in the blink of a board meeting. Was that person's power real, or was the power only in the position? We often get the two confused.
"For me, there is no real power without spiritual power. A power that comes from the core of who you are and reflects all that you were meant to be. A power that's connected to the source of things. When you see this kind of power shining through someone in all its truth and certainty, it's irresistible, inspiring, elevating. I can feel it in myself sometimes, mostly when I'm sharing an insight that I know will have an impact on someone's life and I can see that they 'get it.' Gary Zukav writes in The Seat of the Soul, 'When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose, and meaning... When the personality comes fully to serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic empowerment.' Fulfilling your purpose, with meaning, is what gives you that electrifying 'juice' and makes people stand in wonder at how you do it.
"The secret is alignment: when you know for sure that you're on course and doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, fulfilling your soul's intention, your heart's desire, or whatever you choose to call it (they're all the same thing). When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. And you may stumble, but you will not fall.
"I know for sure that in every challenging experience there's an opportunity to grow, enhance your life, or learn something invaluable about yourself. Every challenge can make you stronger if you allow it. Strength multiplied = power.
"For real.

"Oprah"

I could not believe what I had just read. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. In fact, this article reminds me of the experience I had the weekend before I came out of the closet.

Furthermore, I saw a chart in a different month's issue of O magazine, and it really struck a chord. I will try to recreate it as best I can (All copyright to O magazine):

FEAR/LOVE

- Always feels bad./Always feels good.
- Motivates grasping./Motivates liberation.
- Seizes control./Relaxes control.
- Insists on certainty./Accepts uncertainty.
- Needs everything./Needs nothing.

The part of this chart that really stood out to me was the couplet on "certainty." When we fear, it happens ahead of time. That is why we try to plan an "escape," an acceptable "alternative" or "response." We must be in control! But when we love, it happens in the moment. We do not fear what is going to happen next because we are enraptured in the moment, comfortable in our environment, and trust that things will work out...

Maybe that's what faith is: a loving trust. When we trust someone, we don't worry that things will fall through or get neglected because we can rely on that one person - and everyone has that one person. His name is Christ. His name knows no organized religion, for He is universal - that's why Truths can be found in every corner of this world. He does not speak through others as much as He speaks to our hearts to tell us that what we are hearing, or seeing, or feeling is true. Aligning ourselves with Christ and accepting His will for our individual selves, whatever it may be, will help us find our purpose and enrich our life experience. Because His name knows no specific religion, we should not feel ashamed; accepting ourselves as gay does not mandate an abandonment of Christ - he would NEVER abandon us. He is universal! I know He accepts me and loves me for what I am - one of His children who happens to be gay. And I am not ashamed.

This I know for sure.

"I just want to make you into a decent human being."

Someone said the above sentence to me just minutes ago. I couldn't believe that the words actually came out of "Josh's" mouth. I mean, I thought we were beyond this. It came in the midst of an argument over my "immaturity" of submitting a letter to the public forum of the Deseret News which (gasp!) was actually published - on a Sunday, which means that everyone and their dog saw it if they read the Opinion section. I've sent two letters before to the same newspaper within the last two years, and both were published - the last one also on a Sunday. But I guess that this one hit a nerve. Here is the (unedited) text of my letter, which was edited for length (I'm assuming). The boldened parts of the letter were not in the newspaper:

"I couldn't help but write in response to Tonia Freeman Doussett's letter ("Advocate's Hypocrisy"). She outlines the idea that the "kiss-in" at Main Street Plaza was a hypocritical, defiant attack aimed at the LDS Church. Here's how I see it: LDS Church spokeswoman Kim Farah released a statement saying that the two men had been "asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior just as any other couple would have been." That is misleading, at best - wedding pictures are taken on the Plaza all the time. Ironically, the LDS Church is ever-so-willing to be the unsolicited, self-proclaimed 'moral' police regarding a kiss on the cheek while at the same time turning a blind eye towards its thousands of members who are living in this country illegally, even going as far as sending some of these people on missions. Clearly, a kiss on the cheek from one male to another is what this is really all about. Trespassing, anyone?"

Now, of course the letter is provocative and somewhat contentious. By definition, this incident is provocative and contentious - how could my letter not be? I was trying to point out a glaring inconsistency, after all. I had read several letters and opinion pieces on the incident and no one had pointed out that illegal immigrants who live in the U.S. and who are also Church members are, in fact, "trespassing" on U.S. soil - but the Church has urged compassion on these people (and sends them on missions if they so choose, in addition to considering them Temple-worthy). I even read the police report when it became available (and the security guards made no mention of "groping" as the Church statements have). Even the Deseret News, in an article today, said that, "A police report said they sat down for a kiss and were approached by a pair of church security guards, who asked them to leave because their behavior was 'unwanted.'" (Emphasis added.) Because nobody else had made the point that I saw as most important, I felt the urge to write the letter myself as clearly as I could.

"Josh" was offended by my letter because "[I] attacked something very important to [him]." In response, I said, "Well, I feel hurt when my Church would arrest someone like me because of simple and affectionate homosexual behavior." "Josh's" response, "Oh, come on Drew! They were drunk! I see drunk people arrested all the time. If you want to be proud of that behavior then that's your choice."

When I accused "Josh" of being too worried about his image, and that being the reason why he was so upset, he said, "Drew, I just want to make you into a decent (code: good) human being." He also accused me of "hating" him.

I don't hate him. It hurts me to hear that he thinks I do. I love him and I know that he loves me. But I feel like I should have the right to write a letter to the local newspaper if I want to. If it hurts him that I wrote a letter that criticized his Church's property policy, then I understand that and I am sorry that he is hurt by it. But, like I said above, I am hurt when my Church would treat two men this way and then deny being homophobic, and even going as far as to say that a straight couple exhibiting the same behaviors on Church property would have been addressed in a similar manner. Puuuulease!

Furthermore, "Josh" echoed the "you're either with us or you're against us" attitude. I told him flat out that that attitude, when applied to anything, is a fallacy. To put your loyalty to the group, whether it be political, religious, or otherwise, is a trap that too many people fall into. I elaborated on why I thought this was wrong - and that's because without criticism then there is no vector for change, no drive for improvement, no way to become better. And the response from "Josh": "You are going to change the Church?!"

To clarify, I personally see a difference between "the Church" and "the Gospel" because THEY ARE DIFFERENT. Case in point, the Gospel is perfect, but the Church is not. The Church is led by mortal men and, try as we might, we can never perfect the Church while we, as fallen beings, are carrying out perfect revelation. It just can't happen: while the revelation we receive can be perfect or ideal, we may not carry it out in the same exact way that was intended - and that's okay. To accept the fact that we are not perfect and never will be so long as we have yet to experience death is a freeing action that we can choose to implement in our lives. Jesus Christ is the only person in the Earth's history to have been perfect while having a mortal body. To say that we can be perfected while still in our fallen state is to indirectly deny the great miracle and gift that Christ was.

I tried to explain this to "Josh", but he still thought that I was coming out in "open rebellion" to Church leaders. I told him that I assumed he was calling me an Apostate, but he denied it. I think that questioning, or even criticizing, Church property policies are not subject to being labeled as being in "open rebellion." Call me crazy, but agreeing with Church property policies is not a requisite for Baptism, Resurrection, or Exaltation. I don't believe that I have to agree with them for God to be pleased with me or even to love me. He loves me now, He has always loved me, and He will continue to love me for the rest of my life despite the opinions I hold or the actions I take because His love is unconditional. Furthermore, I don't believe that being a Mormon is a requisite for being a decent person. I refuse that notion at any and all levels.

So, at this time, I am choosing to agree-to-disagree: he may think I'm not a decent person, but I think I am. And although his choice of words hurts me, I think he's a decent, although different, person as well.

Tender Mercies

My life has been abundant in tender mercies lately, and I feel like I need to write them down so that I'll never forget them. In fact, I did start to forget some of the details when a friend started chatting with me on Facebook asking me about my status update (it had read, "Drew Stelter feels so blessed and happy right now that he just wants to hug everyone!"). I'm glad he did, because it forced me to talk about my experiences and keep them in my memory so that I could write a post about them. Now, isn't that a tender mercy in and of itself?! ;)

It all started on the third of April, when Iowa legalized gay marriage. I could not believe it! I just could not understand; wasn't the nation supposed to follow in California's footsteps? How could this happen so soon after we had lost the Proposition 8 battle? It was purely amazing, and it lifted my heart.

Then, on the seventh of April, my Adolescent Psychology course was discussing Human Sexuality. We discussed Restrictice, Semi-Restrictive, and Permissive Societies, changes over time, and gender attitudes towards sex. As I was sitting in class, I desperately wanted to ask the question, "Do all of these statistics and trends we're discussing apply equally to heterosexuals and homosexuals?" but I didn't. However, the last half hour of class was spent discussing "Sexual Minority Youth." My professor was so respectful and protective of the classroom environment at this time, and I felt safe to express my opinions (although people in my course do not know that I'm gay. How would they know?). I shot my professor a quick but thoughtful email expressing my gratitude for her actions that day.

After returning from my courses, I quickly browsed the internet before heading home (to accompany my best friend and his family to the MTC; he is serving a mission in the Phillippines). To my surprise, the headlines stated that Vermont had just legalized gay marriage. When I first saw the headline, I started to tear up. I exerted some behavioral control (although my mind was going absolutely wild) and read the news stories about it on several sites. Again, how could this happen so soon after Proposition 8? What does this mean for the rest of the country? This time it was a unanimous decision by the legislature - that had never happened before! I smiled as I realized that the argument of "judicial activism" just had a HUGE hole blown through it, even though Iowa had legalized gay marriage through the courts. And so soon after Iowa?! I couldn't believe that the headline I was reading was real.

Suffice it to say that I spent more time on the internet than I would have liked, although it was a special occasion, wouldn't you think? ;)

My mix CD playing through the car stereo as I exited Sardine Canyon, I started to think about what day my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on, wanting to do something to celebrate this important day. I tried to think it through in my head but I couldn't figure it out. So I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and looked at it's calendar: my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on Easter! I started to tear up at this realization. Immediately, I took it as a validation that my "coming out" was indeed directed by my Heavenly Father and that this was His way of winking at me. Then He reminded me of His love for me: the moment I realized that Easter was the date of my one-month anniversary, the song that was playing through my stereo ended and a new song started: "He Loves Me" by Hilary Weeks. If the realization was a wink, then this was a big, fat bear hug! I lost it at this moment; it wasn't until I reached at least Ogden that the flow of my tears trickled off. What's more is that I had been praying for a while to have a good cry - and I was glad that my cry consisted of happy, not sad, tears. (I will blog about my Easter experience in a later post, as the "fallout" is still happening.)

That night, I decided to read my Patriarchal Blessing (PB). This was important to me because I had meant to read it the last time I was at home and I had forgotten to do it. So I was making a conscious effort. I'm sure you all have had similar experiences where you read your PB for the first time in months (maybe even years) and something in it has attained new meaning since the last time you had read it. This is what happened to me. I will share a brief part of my PB (paraphrasing), as it is important to the rest of the story. It stated that I "will have a special family here in mortality." That statement got me to thinking, "Will my temporal family here on Earth be different from my eternal family after the Judgment? Who will be in this special family with me? What will it look like?" Whatever the answer was, I decided that the word special just had to mean unconventional... What else could it mean?

The next day, I accompanied my best friend and his family to the Provo MTC. His family had a surprise waiting for them when they walked through the door: his mom's sister-in-law and her son (my best friend's cousin), whom they had not seen in twelve years, were in the forum of the MTC; his cousin was entering the MTC the same exact day he was! Anyway, my best friend's mom was introducing everybody, obviously, as nobody looked the same as they had twelve years earlier. When she got to me, she introduced me as, "...Drew, Jason's best friend. But we consider him family; he is my son, too!" Then she turned to me and said, "Isn't that true Drew? Your mom can share!" Later, after we left the MTC, I was able to have a private conversation with her because Jason's brother had taken a ride with his grandmother. She told me that she didn't mind that I'm not serving a mission (as I am "out" to Jason and he told her not to bug me about going). She also talked about how grateful she was for my friendship with Jason, how grateful she was that I treated Jason's little brother well. She also reaffirmed to me that she thought of me as family. Indeed, when we arrived at Jason's grandmother's house, they all treated me like family.

As we left Jason's grandmother's house, we drove past this absolutely huge mansion. It had a sidewalk paved in its front and back yards so a golf-cart could be driven on a smoot surface! It was incredible, and it rivals (maybe even dwarves) the houses on Walker Lane. His grandmother told me that Bruce Bastian used to live there, but that since he became divorced his wife now resides there. (Before this had all happened, I attended Scott's party for the first time in March. To my surprise, he lives literally ten houses down from the house I grew up in as a child! What a small world!) I had a smirk on my face as I drove past that house, grateful that the man who used to live there had donated $1,000,000 to defeat Proposition 8. What a small world it is!

When we had arrived at Jason's home and were all settled inside, his grandmother gave me a stern look. "Now, Drew, just because Jason is on his mission doesn't mean that you can't talk to me anymore! I want you to call me the next time you are in Salt Lake and come visit me." I replied that I didn't have her number and she said, "Well, pull out your phone and I will give it to you!" Then, Jason's mom walked in and Jason's grandmother commented, "Drew knows what he's got to do, now." His mom asked, "What is that?" And Jason's grandmother looked at me and said, "He'll tell you." So I told her.

This whole experience got me to thinking about whether or not Jason's family could be my special family. I though, "How could they not be? I read my PB last night and the mention of my family is one of two things that popped out to me. And then I hear these comments today? Yeah, something's here." But I also got to thinking that, "...maybe my MoHo family could be my family. These are the people who really understand me, who really know what I'm going through, who don't tell me that I'm going to Hell." Right now, I do not know which of these is my special family, but it doesn't really matter. After all, if my family is supposed to be unconventional, then why can't I have two? ;)

The next day was also a great day in my Adolescent Psychology course. The University's GLBT Student Services office provides GLBT Panels for professors that request them, and my awesome professor requested one, so the entire hour-and-a-half period was spent listening to two gay men, one lesbian, and two bisexual women talk about their stories and experiences in this world - and all but one had been brought up LDS. I so desperately wanted to get up there and join them (after all, it was very informal - they would've let me) but I figured that there was a time and a place for these types of things, and that it was my time to listen. It was all very educational, and I learned a lot about myself through their experiences. The one thing that stuck out to me was something they called, "Queer Bounce." Apparently, Queer Bounce occurs after someone "comes out," and is described by his or her fulfilling the stereotypes that he or she sees in society. It is basically a rebellion stage where an individual totally loses the values and morals he had because he has felt repressed/oppressed from expression his true self. It is called a "bounce" because the individual eventually returns to the same values and morals he once had, although he has since integrated the characteristics of his "new" self. I have noticed some of that appearing in myself, and I so pray that I maintain my dignity and respect. I do not want to be that type of person. But at the same time, I understand that it is a relatively natural and universal occurrence and should be expected in some capacity and form. Sigh.

I am so thankful for these tender mercies in my life. They were great reminders to me of His unconditional love, and that he works through all people and all things to bring about his plan. I just read Scott's newest post and am grateful that the Lord has been helping him as well - in fact, He helps each and every one of us. We just have to look - He is there.

"Everything"

I recently made a playlist for my drives between Logan and West Jordan because the radio starts to break up when I enter Sardine Canyon. It has eighteen songs; some are soft, some are loud, and some are instrumental. After listening to this playlist at least four times, I am sure that I have found a new favorite song: "Everything" by Lifehouse. If you haven't heard this song before (or even if you have), then you need to sit down in a quiet, private place and listen to all of its six minutes. Even though I am not active in the Church anymore, I know that God exists and that Jesus Christ is my Savior. They love me no matter what because their love is, and always will be, unconditional. This song expresses how I feel about my relationship with them better than I ever could:



Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You

You are The Light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace... again

You are The Strength
That keeps me walking
You are The Hope
That keeps me trusting

You are The Light
Into my soul
You are My Purpose
You're Everything

And how I can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?
Yeah...

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands
You won't let me fall

You still my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in?
Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better... any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Finally... Peace

I had a spiritual experience the other night that was purely amazing, and I feel confident in what I was blessed with and how my prayers were answered.

The other night I felt this urge to go to Denny's by myself and ponder about my life, my choices, my future, etc... I pulled into the parking lot and said a prayer, asking Heavenly Father if He would please bring those things to my mind that I should be pondering, to guide my thinking, to make things clearer to me, and to bring me some closure, some peace of mind.

As I was sitting in the restaurant (at 2/2:30 a.m.) the moment hit me like a rock. I was supposed to be here on this day, in this restaurant, at this time. I felt peaceful, loved and cared for by Him. My heart was full with joy and gratitude because He was reminding me of all the blessings I had received throughout my life, despite the trials and hardships I had endured.

When I got home, I thought that the moment was over; it wasn't. I wanted to listen to my iPod as I fell asleep, something I usually do, but I just felt that doing that on this night was not right. As I was in my room I felt the urge to pick up an LDS quote book and read the quotes selected for Friday and Saturday: "Covenants and Oaths" & "Preserve Your Divine Heritage." After that, I noticed The Secret placed on my nightstand; I picked it up also, flipping to a random page. The page I flipped to described the trials of a gay man and how he used "The Secret" to be happy and positive:

"His whole life changed because he changed from focusing on what he did not want, what he was afraid of, what he wanted to avoid, to focusing on what he did want."

I again flipped the page randomly and the following was written:

"If you do just a little research, it is going to become evident to you that anyone that ever accomplished anything, did not know how they were going to do it. They only knew they were going to do it."

I flipped the page randomly for the last time and the following was written:

"Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive - Matthew 21:22" (emphasis added)

I knew that I was meant to see those three passages at that exact moment, and I was grateful that he was guiding me in my pondering.

I got into bed and laid down on my back and prayed once more. It was the most amazing moment I have ever experienced. I realized that I had been following The Secret principles throughout the night: I wanted peace and to be guided, so I prayed for peace, to be guided - and I experienced a feeling of peace, and I was being guided by Him.

I did not decide what to pray about; rather I listened for the promptings as to what I should pray about. After a few stumped moments I felt that I had three specific people that I needed to forgive, that I needed to address them through prayer; it was weird because I didn't even think about who they might be: I knew exactly who these three people were. I proceeded to address these people as if I was talking directly to them. I told them I was sorry for them because of _____. I told them how I am choosing to forgive them for what they did (or neglected to do). That healing experience was something I never could have done by myself, and the fact that it finally happened was an answer to a prayer; He knew that it was time to heal.

I prayed about how I was saddened that the three out of four people in my family who have died have all been those who I was really close to: my great Aunt and both of my grandmothers. (My great Aunt Norma lived her life solo, something that I may have to go through, and can't even imagine at this moment. My Grandma Christensen was fairly independent. She told people exactly what she felt, but at the same time being someone who knows how hard life is. She went through her own trials, and would certainly admit that she wasn't perfect. My mom has told me that she knows only two people who would go to the movies by themselves: me and my Grandma Christensen. I grew closer to my Grandma Stelter as I got older. I got her hooked on Lost and me and her were avid supporters of Barack Obama (although she lamented Hillary Clinton's loss)). At that moment, something changed. I look back and realize that subconsciously I knew that something was odd. I leaned up and looked around the room more than once, but I could not see anyone or hear anything. However, I knew that there was a different spirit in the room; my room had literally transformed into a Holy Place. I felt as though everything that was happening in the world was going on in my room. It was so surreal. I was reliving the last moment I had with my Grandma Stelter, and I was blessed that she had remembered my name, her relationship to me, and what I was doing in life; days later she would die. A connection existed between us the other night that I cannot deny. It was testified to me that she still knew who I was; she knew what was going on right now in my life; she knew the choices I've made and the choices I face. She testified to me that I was not alone - that she was with me and wanted me to be happy.

Later during my prayer, relating to the quotes above, it was testified to me that whatever happens, I was going to be happy. I didn't know how I was going to be happy, how I was going to find that happiness, all I knew is that I was going to be happy. I didn't know what that happiness entailed, all I knew is that I was going to be happy.

The only thing that left me confused was something that I know was testified to me; why I am confused is because I'm wondering why something like that would be testified to me. It was testified to me that at this time in my life, the Church is doing me more harm than good; that I am not meant to be involved with it at this time. I know that it does not mean an abandonment of Gospel principles, but rather an involvement with the Church. I know that this was testified to me. And yet, at the same time, it was testified to me that I am going to be happy. I didn't know what that entailed, how it was going to come about; all I knew was that I was going to be happy. Both of these things were testified unto me. Whatever the contradiction, I know that He will guide me and it will all work out.

I finished by asking the Lord to bless me with peace, completeness, and wholeness, and I trusted that it would come; I behaved as though I had already received it. And I did receive it from Him.

When I woke up the next day I was no longer angry about most of the things I was angry about before this experience. The past no longer mattered to me. I read the news headlines without any anger. I thought about anger-producing things and I felt no anger. I was peaceful and content.

And yet again, the next night (last night) I felt the prompting to pray again, that the prayer the night before went incomplete. I laid in bed wondering what could possibly be left to say, as I had felt amazing things the night before and all felt right to me. I felt the prompting that there was one more person that I needed to forgive, that I had neglected to forgive this person the night before. I tried to think about who this person was, but I could not place a finger on it. It was in stark contrast to the night before, where I had immediately known who the three specific people were that I needed to forgive. But the Lord let me know that the person I still needed to forgive was myself. I asked the Lord to guide my thoughts to the things that I needed to forgive about myself, and He let me know. I accepted the things about my past; I accepted that fact that I had no control over my past, that I could not re-write history; I accepted all the trials that I've gone through, and was grateful for how they changed me; I accepted my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and realized that they are not deficits in my person. And most of all, I accepted the fact that I am a Beautiful Creature of value and worth; that I am a Child, even a Son, of God, and that God's love is unconditional and He will always have love for me.

I wish I could relive the past two days over and over and over again. It sounds cliche, but I feel totally comfortable dying now; I trust Him and trust His plan for me. I can't see the big picture like He can, but I know that if I trust Him, then I can experience those things that He wants me to experience, and for my betterment.

I really don't know what is going to happen next, but I welcome it because I trust His promise that I am going to be happy.

After reading this, please do what He tells you to do, what He prompts you to do. Trust him.