"...love you like a cold sore."

As I've already pointed out, I LOVE "Will & Grace." It is my favorite TV show of all time, and I own all eight seasons of it on DVD. In fact, in the past when I have been depressive for various reasons (including SSA issues), I have simply turned on "Will & Grace" to elevate my mood. In short, this show has been a blessing in my life. Recently, I have undertaken the task to watch the entire series - one episode at a time. And while I have been doing this, I have been jotting down my favorite quotes from my favorite character: Karen Walker (played by Megan Mullally). I have just finished season two and want to share several of my favorite quotes of her's on here for your enjoyment (audio links are provided for some):

Season 1

"Grace, I may never have had a special relationship with a man, but I have been married twice."

"Come on! Look, I'm serious. The thing is: I'm starting to feel as if I don't own my own husband anymore."

"Honey, we talked about this blouse."

"Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one."

"Oh, and honey, did you really think you could get into Heaven wearing body glitter? Well you can't!"

"Honey, you still test-driving those anti-depressants? 'Cause I think it's time to buy."

"I can't have a kid right now; we just re-carpeted!"

"Rosario, yeah... hi, honey. Listen, I'm gonna need you to make one of your seven-layer cakes for tomorrow. And keep an eye on the kids - the fat one's gonna go right for the bowl."

"...if I hadn't deadened my frown lines with Botox you'd be able to read my empathy."

"As Gandhi once said: 'You're only as strong as your weakest servant.'"

"Stan had to take his kids to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name? Wait a minute, it'll come to me. 'Stan, take the kids to see that bitch... Kathy! Kathy!'"

"Honey, you know, whenever I get stressed out I always like to... Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out! I mean, why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze, and I've got a killer rack! Good morning!"

"Oh, the oldest story in the world, honey. Boy meets girl; boy meets new girl; boy dips girl; boy sleeps with boys... Wait a minute, maybe that's not the oldest story."

"...Stan's going hot-air ballooning and I wanted to review my pre-nup."

"No, I will not lower my voice! You're my husband; who the hell else am I gonna yell at?!"

"My shrink? Honey, I only go to him for refills."

"Hey! Come on boys, what's the hold-up? I only get four hours for lunch!"

"Oh yeah, he's fine. Javier, the bus boy, gave him the Heimlich. Gosh, I should probably get him something as a 'thank-you' - maybe the rest of his family from Cuba!"

"...Let me just boil all this hoo-ha down to two important points, okay? One - brown is over. And two - you need to get a life. Alright, honey, you're done."

And my favorite from Season 1:

"Thank you all for coming. I know my husband Stan would've loved to have been here tonight, but, regrettably, could not attend as he is at home watching the Knicks game."

Season 2

"Grace, you're stuck in a box getting rid of ass-plaque. Take it as a sign. This evening is a bust."

"Okay, and let me guess: was her nickname um... "Slutty Big-Boobs"?

"Just a maid?! That's like saying that 'Pradas are just shoes,' or 'Vodka is just a morning beverage.'"

"You're just lucky I let my kids take the pepper spray to school for show-and-tell."

"If you expect me to shop out of a bin with a bunch of mall-walking blue hairs in "I Love Grandma" t-shirts you've got another thing comin'!"

"Yeah? Well [age] has whacked you in the face with a shovel and left you for dead. You look like hell!"

"Honey, I think you're missing the silver-lining here. When you're old and in diapers, a gay son will know how to keep you away from chiffon and backlighting."

"You called me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll?! Honey, my time is precious. Call me when one of 'em gives birth at the prom!"

"Are you workin' me Wilma?!"

"Okay... first of all, the shoes go back on the Mayflower."

"Excuse me! Mink trumps felt, okay?"

"Yeah, I had a private detective do a little snooping around. He was getting bored following Stan back-and-forth to Krispy Kreme anyway."

"Oh, Stanley! You know I don't find that funny! Now get me another towel and put it on the real towel rack."

"Oh, hi pharmacist. No, honey, I don't need anything for the weekend - unless the FDA's approved something new. Oh terrif, send me a bottle! Oh, actually, make it two; yeah, we're taking family portraits this weekend."

"Honey, don't start with that or I'm gonna go after those pants."

"Listen: I know that you're still mad at me about what happened with Josh. But when you think about it really, honey, shouldn't you be mad at yourself for taking advice from somebody who was probably half-in-the-bag at the time?"

"I'm going to decorate Michael's place. I mean, he's gay, how hard could it be?! Chrome, black leather, a shower for six, done!"

"Oh, Grace, my head is spinning and not in a good way."

"Drop those pies boy, you know the rule... when we can see your neck you can have dessert. Rosario, hug the girl. The school said she needs affection."

"Give it to me straight, Doc. Am I looking at a future filled with loneliness and better days, or is Stan gonna die?"

"Oh, Grace, as long as we're being all warm and fuzzy here: you know how I always get on your case about the way you dress and the way you do your hair? Well, really... when are you gonna do something about it?"

"...would you look at these people? Why anybody would choose to be homeless is beyond me."

"Maybe it's like it says in the Bible: 'I felt bad because I had no shoes, but then I met someone who had really bad shoes.'"

"Honey, this is a cult! Yeah, like the Moonies or the homeless. Yes, they're trying to make gay people straight. Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?!"

"I wonder if Stan's exhausted himself on the body pillow yet..."

"Hey, hey, hey, come on, this is serious! If you can't teach me how to cook, I have to have sex with my husband."

"...one woman's sexual harassment is another woman's night off."

"Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick."

"...honey, love you like a cold sore."

"And where do you get off asking me for 500k? Do you know how many times I had to, 'Oh! Oh! Oh! Stan! Oh! Ah!' to get that?!"

...More to come after I finish watching seasons three and four!

"Secret" Powers

I have to "come out" again for the third time. Okay, not really, but I have to tell everyone that I believe in "The Secret." I've described my experiences with it before, but I've again recently felt its simple power in my life and want to share it with you so that you can use its power in your life, too.

Back in April, I applied for a position at Logan Regional Hospital that I just knew that I would be offered. It didn't end up happening, and it was my third interview at that hospital in the O.R. I was disappointed but I knew the the Lord had a plan for me. After moving home I applied for several more jobs through Intermountain Health Care (IHC). Nothing seemed to come to fruition from it all and I began to become discouraged. However, a slew of positions opened up at around the same time late last month and I applied for the ones that were within my scope-of-practice.

Now, I don't know exactly when I started implementing "The Secret" in this situation, but I will describe the process. One day, without any prior thought, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down the six jobs that I wanted the most (that I had already applied for) in random order:

"Surgical Tech - PCMC"
"CP Tech - Alta View / Nights"
"CP Tech - LDS Hospital"
"PSR - WJ Clinic"
"Peds Tech - PCMC SDS"
"CP Tech - PCMC"

And below that, I wrote the following paragraph about the one job I wanted the most:

"I finally got a job at Alta View Hospital. I work graveyards in Central Processing. It pays well and I LOVE the hours! I am so glad this one is mine! Thank you, Heavenly Father. I am blessed & loved.

Drew Stelter, CST"

Now, almost every day following that I retraced the paragraph with a different stylus: the first time I wrote it in pencil; the next time in black pen; the next time in blue pen; the next time in an orange highlighter, etc... I did this to remind myself each and every day that I had nothing to worry about - that I would get a job and that He would provide for me. I expressed my gratitude during prayers not that I had a job or would get this specific job, but that I felt loved, cared for, and provided for. I knew that a job would come.

A while went by (at least 10 days) and I had received no contact from any hospital about interviewing. I did receive one or two "thanks, but no thanks" emails, however.

Then, one day, I had to travel to the Tech Center to drop off a form for Greg (my Surgical Tech instuctor) to fill out. He used to work at Alta View full-time and then left to start teaching; he still works in the O.R. and in C.P. as a PRN during the summer months. Anway, I dropped off my form and he said, "John called me." I asked, "Who's John?" It turns out that "John" was John Palmer, hiring manager in the C.P. department at Alta View. Greg had said to John, "You would be absolutely crazy not to hire Drew." In fact, John had called Greg with three names - all names of former students of Greg's. And Greg told him to hire me! This pumped me up and I was just waiting for that phone call.

The next week I got the phone call and scheduled an interview for the CP Tech position at Alta View. I finally felt like things were going my way! The very next day, HR called again and wanted to schedule an interview for the CP Tech position at LDS Hospital. I scheduled it - at this point, why would I turn down an interview?!

The night before my interview at Alta View, I took that piece of paper and retraced the paragraph in permanent marker. I did this on purpose - a symbolic act of "sealing the deal" or making it permanent. I said a prayer and went to bed.



At the interview the next day, six candidates had been invited so as to interview all at once and then individually. I was the last to interview individually, and right before I went in to interview I wrote the paragraph once more in the notebook I was carrying.

The interview at LDS Hospital went very much the same way. I did not rewrite the paragraph this time. Oddly enough, I felt as though I was wasting my time there - I just knew I was going to get the Alta View position. But then Anjellah arrived and waited in the hall for John Hancock to come (Anjellah was who I deemed my competition at the Alta View interview and John Hancock was the HR recruiter at both interviews). I overheard Anjellah telling John that she had accepted another position and would not interview for the LDS Hospital position. Oh CRAP! went through my mind at that point - she had gotten the Alta View position! I stepped up my game and thought that I gave a better interview the second time around.

Yesterday, John Hancock called and offered me the Alta View position as a CP Tech. I immediately accepted! Today I went to fill out all my papers to prove that I am not an illegal immigrant and do not have TB! Haha!

It is important to point out that I had the distinct feeling during one of my prayers that I would have to make a choice. I assumed that this choice would be between the jobs at Alta View and LDS Hospital. I also thought that this choice might be between the CP Tech position at Alta View and the Surgical Tech position at PCMC. It turned out to be the latter. It is ironic because I have been trying to get a job at PCMC for six months. I thought it would be fairly easy because I performed a rotation there, but it has been extremely difficult. Today, though, PCMC called and wanted to set up an interview for tomorrow for their Surgical Tech position! I declined - even though it pays $3.32 more per hour than the position I accepted at Alta View. The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't He? I'm disappointed that the timing was off, but I felt that I should be grateful for what I have already received - only then can I let new blessings come into my life. Plus, I like the hours better - I don't want to have to wake up at 5:30 every morning! Haha!

That, ladies and gentleman, is the most important part of "The Secret" (the two-minute segment starting at 9:15 is especially pertinent) - allowing new things to come into your life by being grateful for what you already have.

"Because you scare me..."

I went to SLC Pride this weekend - a little rainy, but I've interpreted it as "braving the storm." For, in fact, isn't that what we've all done? We should be proud of ourselves for doing that.

However, I faced a storm when I got home. You see, I had explained to my mom well ahead of time that I was going to the Pride Festival (as I had done the year before), but I did not explain this to my dad for two reasons. I figured that he would know I was gone but not know where I was going (as usual - which is TOTALLY fine), and I also figured that he would get angry and perhaps not let me go. So I figured that I would have to confront him with the truth when I got home. I didn't want to, but I knew it would be a possibility.

When I returned home, the only person there was my older brother who was napping in the basement. So I went to my room and straightened it up and started to watch TV. When my dad got home, he came up to my room and talked with me. Our conversation, recreated to the best of my memory and ability:

"Where were you?"

"I was hanging out with friends."

"Who? What were you doing?"

"You don't know them. We chilled, watched a movie, went out to eat. [All true - but with different groups of people.]

"Oh okay... Well I know you were at this Pride thing they've got going on downtown."

"How did you know I was there?"

"Drew, don't you think I would know? Sure, I know! Why wouldn't I know where you were?"

"Did mom tell you?"

"No, she didn't tell me. I just knew. [pause] So these 'people' you were with - I assume they struggle with the same thing? Are these the people from that thing in Lehi?" [I still don't know how he knew. I don't believe that my mom told him.]

"Yeah, they are the ones from Lehi."

"Um... It really disappoints me that you went to that thing [Pride]. It completely goes against everything that I've taught you."

"You haven't even been to it before."

"That doesn't mean that I don't have an idea of what it's about."

"Oh, so you're passing judgment on something and, by default, onto me, that you only have an 'idea' about? That's not fair. That doesn't make sense to me."

"I'm not passing judgment, Drew. I'm just trying to help you. Look - there is one view on homosexuality as far as the world is concerned, and that view is put on for show at these things."

"Oh, really?! What is this 'one view'?"

"The world doesn't separate the feelings from the behavior. They think that it's one way or the other; that if you have these feelings then you must act upon them."

"So? Just because you disagree with them doesn't mean that there's only one view."

"Well, yeah there is but not according to the world. The only time I have seen a positive view put forward and encouraged was that one guy who wrote that book [Ty Mansfield, co-author of In Quiet Desperation]. What's his name? [I didn't tell him his name.] Well, anyway, that is the only example I can think of where gay people are encouraged to obey the commandments, stay celibate, etc... And that is sad. It's a total shame."

[I should've said something snarky like, "Well I think it's sad that half of all of Utah's homeless teens identify as LGBT and have been kicked out of their homes," but I didn't.] "Well it's the Church's own fault. It's published by the Church [vicariously] and is sold in Deseret Book [a church-owned store]. You can't put that onto anyone else. The Church publishes it but doesn't let people know that they sell it. I have to find out from another gay person, who found out from another gay person, etc... You remember the pamphlet, God Loveth His Children? Well the only advertising the Church did [that I saw] was in the Deseret News. Bishop ______ didn't even know about it - I had to tell him when I went to talk with him once. You would think that the Church would make a huge announcement about new literature it produces, especially about something as important as this. How would Bishop ______ not know about it? You would think they would make it known to their leadership if they produced something like that."

"I just don't think the world is ready for it yet. One day all of this will seem trivial because it will become a non-issue. But it hasn't happened yet."

"Dad, things are changing, and I want to be a part of it. It's a process; it doesn't just happen overnight. I'm not going to put my life on hold because the world's not ready for it yet."

[long pause]

"You know, Drew? This whole 'ASS' thing is taking its toll on me. It really is." [I'm not joking, either. He really said this.]

"'ASS' thing? 'SSA', you mean?" [laughing and rolling my eyes]

"Yeah, sorry: SSA. It just takes its toll, you know?"

"Uh, yeah... I know."

"And it really just upsets me when you wear your ring." [My ring is silver with a flat top, in which six small fake stones, each one a different color rainbow, are set.]

"Why?!"

"Because I don't think that it represents what you think it represents."

"Well what do you think it represents? What do you think when you see it?"

"I think it sends the message, 'Hey! Come have a good time! Yeah, come on over. Let's hook up and have a good time. I'm looking for somethin'.'"

"Well that's not what it means."

"Well that's what I'm saying - that you are sending the wrong message by wearing it. And I don't like you to wear it because I think that people who don't know you well enough will think that about you when it's not true."

"Well that's their problem, not mine."

"I just think that it does you a disservice. [long pause] Yeah, Drew, it just really shreds my heart when I see you wearing that ring. It really does. [short pause] It's like you're shoving it in people's faces!"

"What?! That doesnt' even make sense, Dad. You wear a wedding ring - does that mean that you're shoving your marriage down in people's faces? At work? At the gym? In Church?" [When I was talking with Scott earlier today, he made a comparison to a "CTR" ring that I could've used in my argument.]

"I just don't like it. In all my life, I have never seen another person wear a ring like that - not once. And yet you feel as if you must wear it. I don't understand that."

"Well you obviously don't know a lot of gay people then."

"Oh, that's bologna! You don't think I've seen gay people downtown? None of them feel like they need to wear a ring."

"Well I do. Besides, it's a ring - you don't just walk up to someone and check to see if they are wearing a ring. That's ridiculous."

"Well, no, but rings are noticeable. And yours would stick out like a sore thumb!"

[long pause]

"Dad, I would be willing to not wear my ring during a specific time, day, or place just for you. Do you want me to do that?

"No. Drew, I love you and I hope you know that. I worry about your safety. I just don't want you coming home one day beat up."

"I know. Love you, too."

[He comes over to the bed, where I am sitting, and gives me a hug. About five minutes later I walk down the stairs and he is smiling and getting ready to go to the family party at my relatives' house. My mom and sister are in the kitchen just around the corner.]

"Thanks for talking with me. I guess we just don't have very good communication. I want to have that communication with you. How come you tell mom things and not me sometimes?"

"Because you scare me..."