Restlessness

For the past while, I have been so restless to the point of insanity! I am such a busy-body anyway: I am always the one tapping my fingers on the counter, chewing gum, bouncing my legs, chewing on a pencil, etc... But this is different.

It's not like I have ADD or anything, but I feel like I am always looking for something else to do. When I am at work, I just want to be home catching up on yesterday's "LOST" episode; hanging out with a friend; taking a nap, etc... And then when I have time to actually do those things, I don't. And then I find myself wanting again when I can't have it.

Right now, I am my own worst enemy.

I spend so much time waiting for the next thing to come along, just antsy waiting for an opportunity to come my way, that I end up doing nothing! It's absolutely astonishing, actually. I look at the clock and I've spent my entire evening doing nothing but wanting and my mind racing.

It's so terribly sad because I try to make plans, try to prioritize, try to stay ahead of the curve, but I just don't.

I wonder if I am trying to do too much; if I am thinking too much; if I am wanting too much.

It is hard for me to even listen to a whole song on my iPod; I'm always changing the song before it is over. I pick a song that I want to hear, change it midway through to something else "better," and then change that song midway through until I just turn my iPod off and wonder what I should do next. This is so symbolic of my life in general.

I am so bored, so ready to move on in so many ways. I'm only twenty years old, but I feel like I'm fairly mature for my age. I am making a lot of money for someone my age, in a career that is specialized (AKA not entry-level); I am ready for a serious relationship, and I feel like I have a lot to offer and that I want to have a connection with someone that is not just a friend; I want to move out but I don't want to live by myself!

I feel like I am trying to make things happen but that something always holds me back. I know that I've tried. My family knows that I've tried. My friends know that I've tried. I just feel ready for something new, something different, something exciting! I am sick of negativity, and the seemingly inevitable failure of trying.

It's amazing that I'm bored - my life has been anything but boring lately. My older brother is getting married next month; my younger brother is leaving on a mission next month; my grandfather just passed away (and now I have no grandparents); I have started taking call at work; school has been anything but easy; and the list goes on...

To be fair to myself though, I have always thrived when I am busy. That's just my personality: I thrive under stress.

Maybe I just have too much time on my hands...

One thing gives me hope, though. About ten days ago, when I was driving to work, I had a distinct feeling that a change was coming. I didn't know if it was a good change or a bad change, but I felt that one was coming. I feel like this came from the Holy Ghost, but I have no clue what this change is supposed to (have) be(en) - maybe it's already happened! (There have been some major changes in the past couple of days.)

But I hope this change is still ahead because I'm still bored!