Coming Out... For a Different Reason

I'm pretty sure that no one reads my posts. And anyone who did read them before I stopped posting for the past two months (almost three) is probably long gone. But part of why I have a blog is for me as well. It has a cathartic motive behind it; you know, writing your feelings down to get them out of your head! However, if you are reading this right now, please keep reading. It's for you as well.

I'm "coming out," but with something other than my sexual orientation...

I belong to another subgroup of the American population. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. (OCD), as do 4.3 million adults and children in this country. And like any other mental illness, it gets stereotyped (think Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets," or Tony Shalhoub's character in "Monk"). However, it presents itself in many different forms; it is expressed externally as well as internally.

I don't have issues with cleanliness; I don't need to open and close the door five times before I can walk into a room; I do not hoard items.

Those are all external expressions of OCD.

My expressions are internal: I count things.

To be more specific, I count words. I count them over and over and over again. I can't stop. If I ever have a break from my counting "duties" during the day it would last, at best, 1-2 hours. Heck, it has become so much of a habit that I can count while doing almost anything. But it wears me out beyond the breaking point.

If someone had control of my mind and wouldn't allow me to count I would go certifiably nuts. It would be unbearable! One of the worst things that someone could do to torture me.

As you can see, this is a HUGE problem!

I have "come out" to you with this because in addition to struggling with my sexual orientation, I want people to know that I struggle with this issue in my life as well. I know that everyone has the issues that they struggle with, and this is just another one of mine.

The following is something I wrote earlier today to express my feelings about my OCD:

"Struggling with my obsessions has cost me too much!

The first thing that you took away from me was my ability to read for entertainment. My magazine subscription has all but been wasted because of you. I haven't read a novel of my choice for years because I've been too intimidated to even try.

I can't enjoy the simple things in life because of my obsessions. A quiet drive is never an option for me because you are always annoying me and getting into my head. It's hard to fall asleep sometimes because I feel like I have to appease you first.

Because of you, I beat myself up for trivial things that are really not a big deal; things not worthy of the amount of time and energy I focus on them. God forgives people, even people like me.

You have caused me to become increasingly self-conscious, which has gotten to the point that it's too much of a good thing. I am my own person, and I have the right to love my whole self.

Everything, from hanging with my friends to watching TV to listening to music, has been hard for me because you hog all my attention; my attention span is too short for me to enjoy these things.

The simple, sweet, and very real joy of prayer has been degraded to a ritual because of you. Heavenly Father is more powerful than you. Despite what you tell me, He hears my prayers and understands what I'm trying to say, even if I don't say it quite right.

I am afraid to work in the profession I trained for because of you. It took me 18+ months of hard work, schooling, and training that have already cost me too much. You have conditioned me to doubt my own abilities.

You have cost me mental and physical energy trying to satisfy your demands. I get tired in every way because of you, and I am not able to do the things I want, much less the things I need, because you demand constant attention.

I have begun to question my sanity because of you. I often think of myself as a bad person, a weak person because I can't even control my own thoughts.

You have taken away my agency, to a degree. I can no longer choose to make "today" a good day because I know you will show up to ruin it. You have overstepped your boundaries. And I'm sick of it! You have no right.

I have tried several things over the last 7 years to get rid of you:

"Flooding" myself with words has not drown out you influence.

Attempts to keep my thoughts racing in order to stop myself from focusing on one word for too long have failed.

I've tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I have power over you; that I have the will-power to push you out.

I've prayed to Heavenly Father many times to help me get rid of you, but you're still here.

Medicating myself with prescription drugs and going to see therapy have also been options I have taken a stab at, but even those costly methods have seen your presence remain in my life."

The link above will take you to WebMD, where you can learn more about this issue. I have told you about my compulsions, the behaviors I perform to get rid of my anxieties, but I will not tell you about my obsessions, which are the anxieties I experience. They are too personal. However, as you have probably guessed, some, but very few, surprisingly, have to do with my sexual orientation.

PLEASE browse the WebMD OCD website to educate yourself about this illness!