I haven't blogged in a while because I have felt fairly depressed, more so than I have felt in a long time. I don't think that there is any one reason; rather, I feel that it is a combination of stressors that have been mixed together and baked in the oven too long!
Last Sunday, I was talking with a friend about these feelings and my guesses as to what the "ingredients" were that baked this burnt pan of brownies. He urged me to write down the things about life and the Church that I still agree with, or that I still believe - especially on a personal level, rather than on an "organized" level of faith.
I made a promise to him that I would, and I am someone who likes to keep my promises. So that night at work (having worked the graveyard shift - all alone, I might add... SCARY!) I utilized that opportunity to write down my list. Here it is:
TENETS of MY FAITH:
--- God loves me unconditionally, AND He knows that I'm not perfect - and He's okay with that! So why shouldn't I be okay with that?
--- My personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is more important than any one church. I believe He knows that about me.
--- I know that Truth is found in every corner of this world - in its people, its places, its things. Truths can be found in most or all religions as well. There is Truth in the sun rising every single day without fail; there is Truth in a smile from a passerby, which brightens my day; there is Truth in the power of Love. I intend to find those Truths, wherever they may be.
--- Christ is, indeed, the Savior of the World and I owe it to Him to meet Him halfway.
--- Daily conversations with God are up to me, and He always picks up the phone to listen. Prayer is a pillar of my faith.
--- The Constitution is, indeed, a Divinely-inspired document and I consider it scripture.
--- At the end of the day, only Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know my life situation and my heart in its entirety.
Originally, the list above was my goal - to write about what I still believe in. However, my mind started to fill with ideas about THINGS THAT I'VE LEARNED:
--- The Spirit of the Law is more important than the Letter of the Law.
--- Church leaders, even Prophets (by definition, because they are still mortal men) are NOT infallible. They are human.
--- Personal revelation trumps Church doctrine and sometimes the Holy Ghost will communicate things to you that conflict with official Church teachings.
--- Forgiveness of others is more for the benefit of ourselves than it is for others. Heavenly Father does NOT want us to have poison stirring in our hearts.
--- The LDS Church is not what I thought it was; it is also a newspaper, a TV station, a business, and a PAC (Political Action Committee), among other things.
--- Missions are NOT essential for a male to receive Exaltation. (Really, I didn't know that. They do not teach you this.)
--- We are blessed according to obedience to specific laws rather than punished indirectly for an unrelated behavior. For example, I will not get bad grades just because I drank alcohol or viewed pornography; rather, if I study hard and meet Him halfway,
despite having drunken alcohol or having viewed pornography, I will be blessed with a decent grade. Any "punishment" from the Lord will be directly related to my infractions.
--- Questioning authority is essential to living a balanced life - even if it turns out you were wrong.
--- Acceptance goes both ways - if we as a community want respect and acceptance from others, especially from the LDS Church and its members, then we need to respect and accept them as well.
--- Things are ultimately more complicated than they ever, ever seem. And, oftentimes, we don't even know the half of it - especially when it comes to spiritual issues.
And last, but not least...--- Accepting yourself
wholly, and
unforgivingly, including your past and your weaknesses, is
essential for happiness and inner peace.
I still had time on my lunch hour (2-3 a.m., as if that could ever be called "lunch"), so I browsed through an
O magazine that was sitting on the table. Indeed, everything at that moment felt right; like I was in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, as you will see...
I stumbled upon the following article, which I later found out is a regular column by Oprah Winfrey in every issue of her magazine. This issue's (September 2009) was especially pertinent (All copyright to
O magazine, emphasis added):
"What I Know For Sure"
"I'm always fascinated by lists of 'Most Powerful People,' and by the ways they use external things - fame, status, wealth - to define and rank power. It's curious how a person can go from the top of a list one year to unlisted the next - all in the blink of a board meeting. Was that person's power real, or was the power only in the position? We often get the two confused.
"For me, there is no real power without spiritual power. A power that comes from the core of who you are and reflects all that you were meant to be. A power that's connected to the source of things. When you see this kind of power shining through someone in all its truth and certainty, it's irresistible, inspiring, elevating. I can feel it in myself sometimes, mostly when I'm sharing an insight that I know will have an impact on someone's life and I can see that they 'get it.' Gary Zukav writes in
The Seat of the Soul, 'When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose, and meaning... When the personality comes fully to serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic empowerment.' Fulfilling your purpose, with meaning, is what gives you that electrifying 'juice' and makes people stand in wonder at how you do it.
"The secret is alignment: when you know for sure that you're on course and doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, fulfilling your soul's intention, your heart's desire, or whatever you choose to call it (they're all the same thing).
When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. And you may stumble, but you will not fall.
"I know for sure that in every challenging experience there's an opportunity to grow, enhance your life, or learn something invaluable about yourself. Every challenge can make you stronger if you allow it. Strength multiplied = power.
"For real.
"Oprah"
I could not believe what I had just read. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. In fact, this article reminds me of the
experience I had the weekend before I came out of the closet.
Furthermore, I saw a chart in a different month's issue of
O magazine, and it really struck a chord. I will try to recreate it as best I can (All copyright to
O magazine):
FEAR/LOVE
- Always feels bad./Always feels good.
- Motivates grasping./Motivates liberation.
- Seizes control./Relaxes control.
- Insists on certainty./Accepts uncertainty.
- Needs everything./Needs nothing.
The part of this chart that really stood out to me was the couplet on "certainty." When we fear, it happens ahead of time. That is why we try to plan an "escape," an acceptable "alternative" or "response." We must be in control! But when we love, it happens in the moment. We do not fear what is going to happen next because we are enraptured in the moment, comfortable in our environment, and trust that things will work out...
Maybe that's what faith is: a loving trust. When we trust someone, we don't worry that things will fall through or get neglected because we can rely on that one person - and everyone has that one person. His name is Christ. His name knows no organized religion, for He is universal - that's why Truths can be found in every corner of this world. He does not speak through others as much as He speaks to our hearts to tell us that what we are hearing, or seeing, or feeling is true. Aligning ourselves with Christ and accepting His will for our individual selves, whatever it may be, will help us find our purpose and enrich our life experience. Because His name knows no specific religion, we should not feel ashamed; accepting ourselves as gay does not mandate an abandonment of Christ - he would NEVER abandon us.
He is universal! I know He accepts me and loves me for what I am - one of His children who happens to be gay. And I am not ashamed.
This I know for sure.
