At the End of the Gravel Road

This past Friday (March 12th) was a huge day for me. It was my one-year "coming out" anniversary.

I never thought this day would come. When I was a teenager, there was a time when I didn't think I would live to see myself graduate, much less enter my twenties and see my one-year "coming out" anniversary. But I've pulled through. I've survived.

Being open about my orientation has had many benefits, many of which are not quantifiable. As the anniversary was approaching, I tried to reflect on what it really meant to me. How it changed my life. And, to my surprise, I couldn't really think of anything specific except that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to be embarrassed if there is something about me that is a little more effeminate than your average white, heterosexual male. Other than that, I really can't think of anything. That doesn't mean that it wasn't worth it, or that it wasn't a big deal - it was a big deal. It is a big deal for anyone who's ever done it.

Like I said, many of the benefits are not quantifiable; they are indescribable. It's more than a pure list on a piece of paper. It's more than how many benefits I can count on my hands. It's more than I even know it is. It's a feeling deep inside of me that gives me confidence. In all reality, it is a state of being. It is how I carry myself.

For example, after not having attended LDS Church meetings in over a year (except for special occasions, like Mother's Day) I attended our ward's Christmas party with my family this past December. My Bishop was there (have I told you about my Bishop? I'll have to someday). Let it be said for now that our past was full of anger and resentment, but that we agreed to disagree. I tried my best to forgive him (and I feel that I have) but that doesn't mean I have to talk to him, or reach out to him, or be his best friend or neighbor. However, I encountered him at the party and chatted with him very briefly. In the past, before I was "out", I had this vision of my Bishop as this all-mighty, wise being who knew exactly how to help and comfort me. I thought that he was infallible. I saw him as having authority because I gave him that authority; it was my perception that he had control over not only my salvation, but my happiness as well. I put myself in a situation where I was dependent on him and ended up getting disappointed. I saw myself as less than him: after all, I was a homosexual and he was a Bishop - a Bishop! Needless to say, my perception of our relationship had him up on this pedestal looking down on me - because I put him there. And that was wrong of me.

Anyway, during our brief chat at the ward Christmas party I felt, for the first time in my life, like his equal. I felt like I was just as important to Heavenly Father as he was. I felt like he didn't have authority over me any more - because I chose not to give it to him. I felt like I was in the right and could defend myself against, yes, even a Bishop. I felt like we were on a level playing field; that his rules didn't apply to me because I was playing a different game than he was.

And to feel that feeling of confidence and contentment made me feel happy.

That's not to say that I look down on my Bishop. I just respected him for who he was while asserting my right to live my life the way I wanted to. And I realized that that's okay. We don't have to agree. That's part of life. It is not my job to please everybody.

And it was choosing to "come out" a year ago that gave me the confidence to feel that way during that brief exchange with my Bishop. It was cordial, nothing to deep, but I felt happy and content. I couldn't have done that if I still felt dependent on him for my happiness; if his approval meant more to me than actually living my life. "Coming out" helped me to assert my independence, to increase the amount of love I show myself, and to increase my self-respect.

And, in essence, those are the two words I would use to describe "coming out": self-respect. Letting go of all the baggage and accepting yourself wholeheartedly without pre-conditions, unapologetically and even aggressively.

If you are still in the closet, I would urge you to "come out." However, it needs to be when you are ready. It needs to be because you want to, and not because someone else wants you to or because you want to "rebel" against someone who is against it. Prayerfully consider it. Treat it with care; you teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. If you approach it with respect and sensitivity, so will others. If you "come out" but play a victim, others will treat you as a victim. Please don't do that. "Coming out" means that you are not ashamed of who you are; you are not a victim! You deserve to be happy and victims aren't happy people. Be happy! Show others that you love and respect yourself.

Now, I have recently discovered some new instrumental music that I want to share with you. This is my way of celebrating. It helps me to feel inspired, powerful, and successful. I know that it will inspire you as well.

I want to express specifically how I feel about this first song. It is called "The Gravel Road" from The Village. If you haven't seen the movie, I don't want to ruin it for you, so stop reading. Now, the plot of the film is that there is this secluded village in modern America whose inhabitants live as if it were still the 1700's. The elders of this Amish-like group instill a fear in the rest of the village by telling them horrific stories of monsters that lie in the woods that encircle the village. Often, the villagers are attacked by these monsters, and their fear keeps them isolated. A blind girl in the village decides to go out to find some help for those who were attacked by the monsters and along the way she comes across some challenges, risking her life when the "monster" attacks her (The "monsters" are actually costumes that the elders dress up in to keep the fear instilled in village people). But she picks up her walking stick, brushes herself off, and keeps going. She eventually comes to this stone wall with a door recessed into it. She opens the door and steps out onto a 20th century highway. In essence, her eyes have been "opened" and she is no longer blind (literally and figuratively) to the lies and deceit that kept her secluded from the rest of the world due to fear.

I feel like that is what "coming out" is like. You feel blind, lost along the way. You are fearful of what lurks in the woods, what pains you might have to confront to venture into their shadowy arms. You have these challenges that sometimes you can't see, but you can feel them, you can sense them. And you give these challenges a run for their money! You feel like you are all alone, but you have prayer to help you, much like a walking stick. When you come to that stone wall, it's stature so intimidating, you open that closet door and jump out into the real world. You are no longer blind. That doesn't mean you see everything, but that you welcome the opportunities that come your way. You now realize that the fear you and others held about you discovering what was beyond that door were without merit. It would be understandably hard to adjust from an 18th-century lifestyle to a 20th-century one, much like adjusting from a straight, closeted life to an "out", open life is. But it's a welcome opportunity. The destination at the end of The Gravel Road is yours.

This is what the journey down the gravel road feels like:



This is what I feel when I see that closet door, approaching it with every footstep. I can't believe the moment is here, and I almost want to stay in the moment forever. Everything is happening in slow motion, then the gravity of the situation hits me (from Michael Clayton):



This is what it feels like when I open that closet door: still scared, overwhelmed, so much to take in, but hopeful. Much like Tom Hanks' character at the end of the movie Cast Away, I have a blank slate and I can start all over again:



This is how it feels to finally meet My Love beyond that stone wall (From The Cider House Rules):



...And this song, from The Fountain, describes every part of the journey:

"Inglourious OSCAR"

Okay, so if you didn't know by now: I am a huge film buff. HUGE. So the Oscars basically make one Sunday of the year better than all the others. And this blog isn't just about me and my orientation, so I am going to talk about Oscar for a few minutes.

I have seen every Best Picture nominee this year (and four of them this past week). I have to say that increasing the number of nominees from five to ten is a bunch of bull. It allowed some films to be nominated for a prize that they didn't deserve for the sole reason of filling up a slot. I'm talking about District 9, An Education, and A Serious Man. But I do think the new voting system for the Best Picture award is more fair because it allows every vote to be cast; in the past, if your vote didn't go to the number one or number two film your vote was essentially thrown out.

The films nominated for best picture are:

- Avatar (Great, but overhyped)
- The Blind Side (Not a Best Picture film, though Sandra Bullock was great)
- District 9 (WTF?!)
- An Education (Average)
- The Hurt Locker (Great)
- Inglourious Basterds (An unexpected surprise)
- Precious (a hard-to-watch must-see)
- A Serious Man (What is this crap?)
- Up (Good grief, Pixar! You're not that good)
- Up in the Air (Flawless)

If I were to choose five nominated films, I would've chosen:

















Inglourious Basterds is the first film of Quentin Tarantino's that I've been able to sit through entirely. Though it has lots of subtitles, it also has the best opening twenty minutes I've ever seen, and not as much violence as you'd expect (for a Tarantino movie).

The Hurt Locker is great but it is also overrated. There are several tense scenes that, to my understanding, are pretty realistic. It isn't my number one film, but it is on the list.

I saw The Last Station knowing only that it was a film about Russian author Leo Tolstoy. It was nice to go into a movie knowing almost nothing about it and yet loving it. This movie is underrated. Sorry, Sandra Bullock, but Helen Mirren deserves to win Best Actress.

Precious is a hard film to watch. Mo'Nique is just absolutely brutal as an abusive welfare mother. I actually think it's harder to watch than The Hurt Locker, and my stomach was churning a little bit. But the last scene is amazing - Mo'Nique actually generates some sympathy from the audience; inside your head you're going: "Okay, how did she just do that?!"

Up in the Air is, compared to the others, a light, breezy, movie. The actors make it look so easy and the plot just flows and flows so smoothly. I think that this "smooth, cool" factor has undermined it, thus nobody in Hollywood has really taken it seriously.

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If I were to choose ten nominated films, and play by the Academy's rules of letting less-deserving films be nominated, I would add to the above:


















Avatar is overrated. Lots of flash and boom but a wanting heart. It wanted to be The Best Movie Ever but it wasn't.

If you haven't seen Drag Me To Hell, see it! It is the perfect blend of comedy and horror. And yes, comedy and horror can go together if done right.

Funny People was too long, but it was endearing and funny at the same time. Maybe not your first choice, but on the list.

He's Just Not That Into You is a great ensemble film. It is definitely not Best Picture material, but I guess that just proves my point: the nomination of ten films is ridiculous.

I haven't read The Lovely Bones, but I thought the movie was unfairly maligned. Saorsie Ronan should've been nominated for either Best Actress or Best Supporting Actress. While I wish it had more action in it, the movie was still excellent.

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I would rank the movies in the following way if I were a voting member using the new voting system:

1) Inglourious Basterds
2) Up in the Air
3) Precious
4) The Hurt Locker
5) Avatar
6) The Blind Side
7) An Education
8) Up
9) District 9
10) A Serious Man

Power in Words

There are two songs that I want to share with you. The first one is called "Someday" by Rob Thomas. The lyrics of this song speak to my heart and describe my current feelings better than I ever could. And while I find music videos to be a little distracting because you tend to watch the story play out on screen rather than listen to the lyrics, I like the music video to this song. It even has a sign in it that says "[heart] has no gender."



"You can go,
You can start all over again,
You can try to find a way to make another day go by.
You can hide,
Hold all your feelings inside,
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry.

And maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
Try to put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to make things better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

Now wait,
You try to find another mistake.
If you throw it all away then maybe you could change your mind.
You can run,
And when everything is over and done,
You could shine a little light on everything around you,
Man, it's good to be someone!

And maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
Try to put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to make things better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

And I don't wanna wait,
I just wanna know,
I just wanna hear you tell me so.
Give it to me straight,
Tell it to me slow.

Cause maybe, Someday, we'll figure all this out,
We'll put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to just feel better now.
And maybe, Someday, we'll live our lives out loud.
We'll be better off somehow.
Someday...

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get.
So maybe we should start all over,
Start all over again...

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get.
So maybe we should start all over,
Start all over again..."

The second song is called "Angel" and is sung by Sarah McLachlan. I listened to it this weekend while reading a Newsweek article from the year 2000 about Stuart Matis. This song has always been a favorite of mine. It is just tragically beautiful and moving. However, I have mixed feelings about this song because it is so depressing - it is definitely not a song you want to listen to when you are feeling depressed; I personally identify with this song because I have been to that dark, lonely place before, and even though I'm not at that place right now, and that place is not a good, happy place, I still have a special connection to the song, and I feel the lyrics almost perfectly describe my feelings for Stuart. The influence for the song is detailed here. Although the recorded version is better than the many live versions, I could not find a suitable recorded version video on YouTube. Also, the lyrics get misinterpreted often, so I have also typed them up:



"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance;
For a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction,
Oh, a beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.
Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight.

In the arms of The Angel,
Fly away from here.
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,
And everywhere you turn,
There's vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting,
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.
It don't make no difference,
Escaping one last time;
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees.

In the arms of The Angel,
Fly away from here.
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

You're in the arms of The Angel,
May you find some comfort here.

It's Only the Beginning...

Have you ever been so sad about something, so distraught, that it made it hard to cry? Even though that's all you wanted to do, for some reason you couldn't muster it to happen? That's how I feel right now - and I hate it.

I can't help wondering why this is happening. I know that it's not because I don't care - I do care. I want to cry.

Maybe it's because I know everything will be okay in the end; that everything will work out.

I am clinging to the hope that this is the beginning, not the end. That we will be better and stronger because of it.

But I am so nervous. I don't know what to do with myself. Here I am, lying in my bed at ten past midnight and I should be asleep because I have to work tomorrow. (In fact, I called in sick today because I needed some time to digest things without the responsibilities of work.) But I don't want to go to sleep. All I want to do is hit the pause button on life; I don't want to wait because it seems unbearable. If I hit pause, I won't have to wait for an answer - it will just be there when I un- pause my life. And then I can wake up and everything will make sense and be okay.

Yet I know this is something that needs to happen. It must. I just hope it turns into something more, something confident and loving and happy.

I have and will keep praying that things will turn out well, that Heavenly Father will prepare a way. His guidance will lead us both to each other, I pray.

My love remains the same...

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

It's been a long time since I've posted - almost exactly two months. That doesn't mean that I have nothing to write or express; I have had many experiences since my last post that I could have shared, but I didn't. There are two main reasons for this: 1) Many of these experiences have been private and I want to preserve that nature of these experiences, and 2) I feel as if my struggle has been winding down; I have much more peace than I used to have, and I like who I am, wholly and unforgivingly. I still have struggles sometimes with regards to my orientation - but who doesn't? I have accepted that nothing will ever be completely stable or resolved. That's just the nature of life - and there's nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, I have been moved to share the following with you, which is the main reason why I'm writing this post.

I used to make fun of the "band geeks" in high school for being obsessed with Josh Groban. The only song of his that I had heard at that point was, "You Raise Me Up," and I thought it was uber-cheesy. Therefore, I didn't see what was so special about him except that he was the only young guy I knew that seemed to target the 40+ year-old female demographic. That's not something that young guys did, that was something that Neil Diamond did, so I made fun of Josh Groban.

Well, I hope those "band geeks" can forgive me, because Josh Groban is amazing. I've had many neat experiences that involve his songs.

One of these experiences happened when I was driving on my way to work. I had been listening to "The Secret" on CD, and turned it off at a concluding point, something to the effect that, "Believing is the most important step in the 'Ask, Believe, Receive' process." [As a side note, the process is based in scripture: Mark 11:24] The moment I turned off the CD my car stereo immediately flipped on the radio to the station I was listening to the last time I had been listening to the radio. The song that was playing on this station was, "Believe," by Josh Groban. It happened to be in the middle of the song and the first line of lyric that I heard was, "You have everything you need if you just believe."

I was stunned. I have had enough experiences like this to know without a doubt that nothing happens without reason. Everything has meaning.

Most recently, I have been listening to, "You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)," a lot more than I used to. It has taken on meaning in my life. I feel the power of the lyrics not just because they are poetic and beautiful, but because I feel like I could have written these lyrics. I know how Josh Groban feels when he sings them. I know how it feels to say, "When your heart's heavy/ I, I will lift it for you/ Don't give up/ Because you want to be heard/ If silence keeps you/ I, I will break it for you."

To My Angel: Don't give up, because You are loved.

Perfection

I am going to keep my comments to a minimum (for once), as I believe that the article below says everything concisely, accurately, and better than I ever could. So here I go:

This article (published in the Deseret News, even) is perfection. More? Sorry, that's it.

Religion in Politics is Getting Tiresome

Mixed Message from the "Kingdom"

We've all heard the news about the Church supporting Salt Lake City's non-discrimination ordinance that would add "sexual orientation" protections to the list of protected statuses in the city's areas of employment and housing...

I don't know about you, but when I hear of news about the Church and its political support of anything, my ears perk up and I frantically search the internet to see if the media have picked it up yet.

I first heard word of the Church's actions from the "8: The Mormon Proposition" group on Facebook; a message was sent out to members of the group telling of how "well-placed people inside the Mormon Church" contacted others who were involved with Reed Cowan's documentary to let them know that the Church planned a statement and that they needed to "Watch what we [the Church] are about to do. You will be pleased."

At that point the media hadn't picked up the story yet, and I began to ponder about whether or not I believed the message sent to me by the "8: The Mormon Proposition" group. Honestly, the thought came into my mind that whoever sent the message was trying to rile people up with a sensationalized message - this person proved me wrong!

How do I feel about it? Honestly, I am confused and don't really know, but I will explain my feelings as best I can.

I am upset that the Church got involved, for several reasons. My primary reason for disagreement is because I don't like it when any Church gets involved in politics - period! Even when the Church and I agree on an issue (such as this ordinance), I don't think it is appropriate or ethical for any religion to get involved in politics. It shouldn't happen unless there is an issue that directly or specifically addresses religion.

I don't like the Church being involved in this specific issue because once it is involved a precedent is set. It is said about Utah politics that, "When the Church says 'jump,' those on Capitol Hill say, 'How high?'" So the legislature will, begrudgingly, refrain from challenging this ordinance. The precedent that is set is that the gay community now becomes dependent on the Church for any legislation that affects our community. One could argue that that's the way it already is, but the Church sends enough mixed messages that this ordinance could very well end up being challenged and revoked, which leads me to...

The way the Church handled its press release was, to me, not good enough. If we look back at Prop. 8 and the way the Church announced its support of that measure, it came in the form of a letter written and signed by the First Presidency that was read in every California ward's sacrament meeting. Compared to that, some "Joe Blo" from PR reading a statement written by the PR department carries little to no weight. He wasn't even an official spokesperson! (Those would be Kim Farrah and Scott Trotter). Admittedly, Prop. 8 and this ordinance bear little resemblance in "weight" themselves, but after the fiasco that was Prop. 8, a letter from the First Presidency read in Salt Lake City's wards should've been the least the Church could do.

The way in which the Church announced its support is the reason why people and groups still disagree with the Church on this ordinance. The Sutherland Institute, which is based on LDS principles, issued a statement disagreeing with the Church. The Utah Eagle Forum, which thinks it's based on LDS principles, also disagrees with the Church's stance on the ordinance. The reason why it's "okay" for them to disagree with the Church, but it wasn't "okay" for people who disagreed with the Church on Prop. 8, was because of the reason stated above: this time the statement didn't come from the First Presidency or the Prophet, it came from "Joe Blo" in PR. (The fact that certain people and groups still choose to disagree with the Church is not evidentiary of their "apostasy" - it is evidentiary of their being homophobic.)

And this is not a mistake. The Church does not issue anything - anything - publicly until it has been reviewed, revised, and "okayed" by the highest leaders of the Church. And since Prop. 8 - hell, since the beginning of friggin' time - the Church has been extremely careful with its PR. No one can convince me that everything about this announcement was not thoroughly thought out, or revised, or considered. I guarantee you that even this PR guy's tie was thought out in detail.

In short, the Church knows that an announcement doesn't carry as much weight when it is not delivered in a Church setting by its highest leaders...

Besides, the fact that the Church came in at the last minute to "save the day" when the city knew the ordinance would already pass is beyond disingenuous. I've heard comments from several people, including some MoHo's, with the general consensus being that, "We must thank the Church for doing this for us." To them I say, "I am not going to thank the Church for this; I am going to thank Salt Lake City and Mayor Ralph Becker for this."

Furthermore, the fact that Reed Cowan's documentary is coming out in the next few months has not gone over the Church's head. And that's what I believe this is all about - the Church having some backup, some "ammo" in its arsenal, to address coming criticism once "8: The Mormon Proposition" is released.

I would say the one reason why I am so confused about the Church's actions is because its statement read that this ordinance provides "common-sense rights that should be available to everyone" when just weeks ago Elder Oaks referred to gay rights as "alleged."

Oaks also said, "Those who seek to change the foundation of marriage should not be allowed to pretend that those who defend the ancient order are trampling on civil rights."

Well, are they "common-sense rights" or "alleged civil rights?" This is one of those Mysteries of the "Kingdom." Can you blame me for being confused?!

One of the reasons the Church supports the ordinance is because it allows for religious freedom and exemption from the ordinance...

Oh, that's nice - especially when the Church owns half of the property in Salt Lake City. The exemption not only protects strictly religious property - such as churches, or temple grounds - but it applies to everything the Church owns. That means that the multi-billion dollar ($1.5 - $8 billion is estimated) City Creek Center being built by the Church, with not only its mall stores (and the stores' employees) but its high-end apartments and condominums, will be exempt from the ordinance. You won't find any dirty gays working for Macy's or Hot Dog On a Stick! Now, I'm not saying that this is inappropriate. In fact, as long as the Church does not accept any federal or state tax monies it is completely appropriate. But I am offended when the Church acts like it is doing us a favor. Please, I'm not a "petulant tween!"

If it's religious exemptions the Church wants, then why did it oppose gay marriage in Maine, which, in its legal form, allowed for religious exemptions? Call me confused... again.

In general, there have been two types of responses from members: those who disagree (like the Sutherland Institute and the Utah Eagle Forum) and those who agree with the Church. Some who agree with the Church are engaging in revisionist history, saying that the Church's position nor doctrine has changed. Huh?! Wha?! The Church itself called the announcement, "an historic statement." If nothing has changed, why is it so historic?

It confuses me when people say, "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever." To them I say: "God may be unchanging, but the Church sure isn't." The mere fact that the Church has made this leap compared to twenty years ago (when people were excommunicated just for having gay feelings) is evidence. If it is okay to support a public policy position such as this today, now, then why wasn't it okay twenty years ago? Why is it okay for a person to have gay feelings today and not be excommunicated when twenty years ago it was different?

Having made all my complaints, and despite all my misgivings and hesitancy to send the Church a "thank you" card, I ultimately feel that if the Church's support helped in any way to save someone's life, then it is worth it.

I just wish I understood more what the Church really feels. I'm getting sick of the mixed messages.

Call me confused. And cautiously optimistic.

Evidence of Hate

The following is an actual text messaging conversation I had with a friend from high school last Saturday, the same night as the Priesthood session of General Conference (I, myself, did not attend). I will not comment much because I think it speaks for itself to the kind inner turmoil LGBT Mormons experience - it's just sad. It also speaks to the hatred of self and others that is taught and communicated in subtle ways in LDS culture.

I will not reference him by name, because I don't believe in "outing" people, even though I am 99.9% positive that no one who reads this even knows who this person is. However, he contacted me in late May/early June of this year to "come out" to me; if I remember correctly, he looked at my Facebook account and saw that I had "come out" and thought I would be a safe resource. I offered to introduce him to the Matis Firesides and other safe "family" functions, and he has yet to take me up on the offer. He also revealed to me an experience he's had with another guy. Recently, he has commented that he is actually bisexual. He is a member of the LDS Church and has communicated to me that he wants to get married to a woman in an LDS temple.

Warning: The conversation we had contains mutliple four-letter words and a gay slur. Also, it is rife with errors, which I will not correct because who ever really texts "properly?"

ME: Did you go to Priesthood session?

SAD FOOL: Sure did! Haha. Didn't pay attention

ME: I am hoping so badly that a softer stance will be taken tomorrow. It just takes one talk

SAD FOOL: Softer stance on? I like Nelson and Holland. I listen to them! One day I want to be Nelson!

ME: On gay issues. Be a heart surgeon?

SAD FOOL: Oh. I don't care about gay issues. Haha. Well a world famous surgeon who helps invent something.

ME: What did he invent? I am actually appalled that you don't care

SAD FOOL: He worked on an artificial heart valve. Yeah, why should I care. I'm not here to get approval from them. If they don't like it they don't like it, that's their right. We have the same rights also so I don't care. [emphasis added]

ME: I agree to an extent. I'm not going to base my happiness on their approval. But I'll be damned if they're going to abuse their authority and take away my rights

SAD FOOL: Ha. They don't have authority to do so!

ME: Well they just did it in California.

SAD FOOL: Are you shitting me?!!? That was not because of the church! It fucking pisses me off when people say the church did that. A. They don't have the power to pass or veto laws and B. The majority of the the population caused it, the lds faith does not make up the majority of California!

ME: With 2% of the population of California being Mormon, you are right... They didn't have the force of votes. But that same 2% raised half of the money. And now they don't want blame. People in the Church have said that without the Mormons it wouldn't've passed. Heck, even the Catholic Church has said that.

SAD FOOL: And because those members did that it is the fault of the general authorities? I don't think so! People are dip shits and only see what they want to see! And just because they raised money doesn't mean that's the reason, they didn't pay anyone off! Why do they want to get married so bad anyhow? Not missing out on anything. That's what I hate most about faggs is they think the world owes them and that they are so picked on. Get over yourself! [emphasis added]

SAD FOOL: [before I could respond to the previous message] Plus whose to say it would have passed? No one knows! It didn't, and now we move on with our life.

ME: The first presidency asked people to donate of their time and means to passing Prop. 8. So yes, I can blame the General Authorities. You don't have to be rude

ME: (before he could respond to my previous message] You don't know what you are talking about. It DID pass. Prop 8 passing basically repealed marriage. It was legal before the election.

SAD FOOL: Well whatever, I don't care, and its old news. You shouldn't either, you don't live there so it doesn't even effect you.

SAD FOOL: [again, before I could respond...] People just want to blame someone so they blame the people that are right, its human nature. If the GA's asked that why didn't I hear about it, never asked me

ME: I will email you a link to the letter that was read aloud during sacrament meetings in California in June of 2008.

SAD FOOL: No thanks.

ME: [his name], can I honestly tell you what I think? I think that you are in such deep denial over having sexual attractions to men. That's why you dance for the MoTab. That's why you defend the Church when it's wrong. Despite the fact that you go to the gym to hook up with guys and get blow jobs. That's why you just called me a fag, because if you can label gays as "them" then you don't have to confront your same-sex attractions. I have been nothing but nice to you, and then you treat me like this tonight? I frankly don't deserve it and don't appreciate it. But I guess I know how you really feel.

SAD FOOL: Haha. And you know me so well and have a Ph.D. so you can say that. But you know what, I don't think anyone is at fault, that's just how the world goes, life isn't fair but that doesn't mean its yours, mine or anyones fault, we just have to move on and get over it. When I used the term fagg I'm refering to the gay people that think they are something special and are always picked on, if that's not you, which I don't think it is, then I'm not talking about you. I dance for the motab because I'm good and I can. There are non members that dance with us! If you think I'm being offensive then that is you're problem not mine. I just say what I think if you disagree so be it, but that's no reason to get offended. That's like me getting offended because someone doesn't like country music and they call me a hick because I do. I don't care, they can listen to whatever they want.

ME: You don't understand. I am calling your bluff. You want to have the best of both worlds. You want a blow job in a gym from a guy but also to get married in the temple and become like Russell M. Nelson! I mean, come on! And then you call gays fags, use the F word and other profanitites. You can't have it both ways, man. It's just not possible.

SAD FOOL: What does Nelson have to do with this? I can say and do whatever I want. It's called free agency, its a god given right.

ME: And I should have the agency to marry whomever I want, as long as he or she is of legal age. Say bye bye to Mr. Six-Pack BJ if you want to go the Church route. That's all I'm saying.

SAD FOOL: For your information I haven't even been to the gym in a month and I've had a bj once! But if you really want to know me, then you need to try harder and not guess at everything I do!

ME: I can only go by what you've told me I think you are taking out your [own] self-loathing on me and i don't appreciate it. It's called projection, you know that term you are a Psych major. I will send you that email.

SAD FOOL: Haha. Not even close! You sure you want to be a psychologist? What year are you in?

ME: You don't care about the Church's stance on gay issues because you don't see yourself as having same sex attractions, though you admit to being bisexual. You just want to "have fun" and then repent later so that you can get married in the temple.

SAD FOOL: No, no, that's not it. I know I have same attractions, and I rarely repent.

ME: Well your repentance is between you and the Lord. And I'm so over it, [his name]. Figure out what you want in life before you go doing whatever it is you do.

SAD FOOL: Haha. People are right, you're really dramatic! I'm not self-loathing, nor projecting. And I know what I want thanks!

ME: Well that's good to know! Thanks!

And that was the end of the conversation. I know I shouldn't have said some of the things that I did, but it freaking pissed me off that someone who experiences same-sex attraction would call others who do as well, "fags." Totally uncalled for, and that's what compelled me to say some of the things I did. Also, I have not sent him the link to the First Presidency letter; I figured I would just move on and not escalate anything further. We probably will not have contact again, although we are still friends on Facebook (as far as I know).

I think the best part about all of this is that, ironically, the headline on the front page of the Deseret Morning News the following Monday read something like, "LDS Urged to Contain Anger." How timely!

What do you think of our conversation?

What I Know For Sure

I haven't blogged in a while because I have felt fairly depressed, more so than I have felt in a long time. I don't think that there is any one reason; rather, I feel that it is a combination of stressors that have been mixed together and baked in the oven too long!

Last Sunday, I was talking with a friend about these feelings and my guesses as to what the "ingredients" were that baked this burnt pan of brownies. He urged me to write down the things about life and the Church that I still agree with, or that I still believe - especially on a personal level, rather than on an "organized" level of faith.

I made a promise to him that I would, and I am someone who likes to keep my promises. So that night at work (having worked the graveyard shift - all alone, I might add... SCARY!) I utilized that opportunity to write down my list. Here it is:

TENETS of MY FAITH:

--- God loves me unconditionally, AND He knows that I'm not perfect - and He's okay with that! So why shouldn't I be okay with that?

--- My personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is more important than any one church. I believe He knows that about me.

--- I know that Truth is found in every corner of this world - in its people, its places, its things. Truths can be found in most or all religions as well. There is Truth in the sun rising every single day without fail; there is Truth in a smile from a passerby, which brightens my day; there is Truth in the power of Love. I intend to find those Truths, wherever they may be.

--- Christ is, indeed, the Savior of the World and I owe it to Him to meet Him halfway.

--- Daily conversations with God are up to me, and He always picks up the phone to listen. Prayer is a pillar of my faith.

--- The Constitution is, indeed, a Divinely-inspired document and I consider it scripture.

--- At the end of the day, only Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know my life situation and my heart in its entirety.

Originally, the list above was my goal - to write about what I still believe in. However, my mind started to fill with ideas about THINGS THAT I'VE LEARNED:

--- The Spirit of the Law is more important than the Letter of the Law.

--- Church leaders, even Prophets (by definition, because they are still mortal men) are NOT infallible. They are human.

--- Personal revelation trumps Church doctrine and sometimes the Holy Ghost will communicate things to you that conflict with official Church teachings.

--- Forgiveness of others is more for the benefit of ourselves than it is for others. Heavenly Father does NOT want us to have poison stirring in our hearts.

--- The LDS Church is not what I thought it was; it is also a newspaper, a TV station, a business, and a PAC (Political Action Committee), among other things.

--- Missions are NOT essential for a male to receive Exaltation. (Really, I didn't know that. They do not teach you this.)

--- We are blessed according to obedience to specific laws rather than punished indirectly for an unrelated behavior. For example, I will not get bad grades just because I drank alcohol or viewed pornography; rather, if I study hard and meet Him halfway, despite having drunken alcohol or having viewed pornography, I will be blessed with a decent grade. Any "punishment" from the Lord will be directly related to my infractions.

--- Questioning authority is essential to living a balanced life - even if it turns out you were wrong.

--- Acceptance goes both ways - if we as a community want respect and acceptance from others, especially from the LDS Church and its members, then we need to respect and accept them as well.

--- Things are ultimately more complicated than they ever, ever seem. And, oftentimes, we don't even know the half of it - especially when it comes to spiritual issues.

And last, but not least...

--- Accepting yourself wholly, and unforgivingly, including your past and your weaknesses, is essential for happiness and inner peace.

I still had time on my lunch hour (2-3 a.m., as if that could ever be called "lunch"), so I browsed through an O magazine that was sitting on the table. Indeed, everything at that moment felt right; like I was in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, as you will see...

I stumbled upon the following article, which I later found out is a regular column by Oprah Winfrey in every issue of her magazine. This issue's (September 2009) was especially pertinent (All copyright to O magazine, emphasis added):

"What I Know For Sure"

"I'm always fascinated by lists of 'Most Powerful People,' and by the ways they use external things - fame, status, wealth - to define and rank power. It's curious how a person can go from the top of a list one year to unlisted the next - all in the blink of a board meeting. Was that person's power real, or was the power only in the position? We often get the two confused.
"For me, there is no real power without spiritual power. A power that comes from the core of who you are and reflects all that you were meant to be. A power that's connected to the source of things. When you see this kind of power shining through someone in all its truth and certainty, it's irresistible, inspiring, elevating. I can feel it in myself sometimes, mostly when I'm sharing an insight that I know will have an impact on someone's life and I can see that they 'get it.' Gary Zukav writes in The Seat of the Soul, 'When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose, and meaning... When the personality comes fully to serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic empowerment.' Fulfilling your purpose, with meaning, is what gives you that electrifying 'juice' and makes people stand in wonder at how you do it.
"The secret is alignment: when you know for sure that you're on course and doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, fulfilling your soul's intention, your heart's desire, or whatever you choose to call it (they're all the same thing). When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. And you may stumble, but you will not fall.
"I know for sure that in every challenging experience there's an opportunity to grow, enhance your life, or learn something invaluable about yourself. Every challenge can make you stronger if you allow it. Strength multiplied = power.
"For real.

"Oprah"

I could not believe what I had just read. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. In fact, this article reminds me of the experience I had the weekend before I came out of the closet.

Furthermore, I saw a chart in a different month's issue of O magazine, and it really struck a chord. I will try to recreate it as best I can (All copyright to O magazine):

FEAR/LOVE

- Always feels bad./Always feels good.
- Motivates grasping./Motivates liberation.
- Seizes control./Relaxes control.
- Insists on certainty./Accepts uncertainty.
- Needs everything./Needs nothing.

The part of this chart that really stood out to me was the couplet on "certainty." When we fear, it happens ahead of time. That is why we try to plan an "escape," an acceptable "alternative" or "response." We must be in control! But when we love, it happens in the moment. We do not fear what is going to happen next because we are enraptured in the moment, comfortable in our environment, and trust that things will work out...

Maybe that's what faith is: a loving trust. When we trust someone, we don't worry that things will fall through or get neglected because we can rely on that one person - and everyone has that one person. His name is Christ. His name knows no organized religion, for He is universal - that's why Truths can be found in every corner of this world. He does not speak through others as much as He speaks to our hearts to tell us that what we are hearing, or seeing, or feeling is true. Aligning ourselves with Christ and accepting His will for our individual selves, whatever it may be, will help us find our purpose and enrich our life experience. Because His name knows no specific religion, we should not feel ashamed; accepting ourselves as gay does not mandate an abandonment of Christ - he would NEVER abandon us. He is universal! I know He accepts me and loves me for what I am - one of His children who happens to be gay. And I am not ashamed.

This I know for sure.

(Mostly) Hidden Gems

Okay, so if you don't know by now that I am a movie buff, then you're probably not annoyed with me! But for those who already know (and even those who are just finding out), I have gathered some movie trailers of some GREAT movies that have (mostly) flown under-the-radar. Some are old, some are new, some are Best Picture Oscar nominees, and some aren't. I know there's a lot of trailers in this post, but feel free to check out only the ones that interest you.

(FYI, most of them are rated R, so if that is a concern for you then I respect that and I am sorry that you can't see them!)

Before I trot out the hidden gems, I am presenting the trailer for one of my all-time favorites: "The First Wives Club." It was well-received commercially in the 90's, so it didn't exactly fly under the radar. But it is FANTASTIC!



Want to see the best trailer ever? Yes - EVER. It's "Sunshine," a film about a space crew in the future who try to "reignite" the sun with a nuclear weapon. This movie is the most visually-striking movie I've ever seen.



"Breach" is a film that should've received more attention, especially because it is a true story of the biggest breach of security in U.S. history by a Russian spy who finnagled his way into working for the CIA.



The following is a clip from one of my favorite films - "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?" It stars a freaky-looking, psychopathic Bette Davis (my favorite actress) and Joan Crawford, who are both gay icons - so you know it'll be good! It details the story of how Blanche (Crawford), who is stuck in a wheel chair, is psychologically and physically tortured by her sister (Davis). And because the stars were despised each other in real life, it makes watching them annoy the crap out of each other all the more entertaining.



"Michael Clayton," was nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars a few years ago. This scene will reel you in hook, line, and sinker. The film is about a lawyer who takes over a defense case in which he finds that his clients are not really all that guilty. (I'm thinking Alan might like this one...)



Kate Winslet deserved her Oscar for this film, about two parents who meet at a park and carry on an affair that has tragic results. It's called, "Little Children."



Probably one of the best films ever, and one of my favorites, is "There Will Be Blood." It competed with "Michael Clayton" for Best Picture, but they both lost out to, "No Country For Old Men." It is about 2 1/2 hours but it flies by because you are so engrossed in Daniel Day-Lewis' performance as a ruthless oil tycoon, for which he won a Best Actor Oscar a few years ago. It is based on Upton Sinclair's novel, "Oil!"



Last, but not least, is a freaking trippy film made the year I was born called, "Jacob's Ladder." The ending is awesome and "twisty," and the whole time you are trying to figure out what's happening to this Vietnam War veteran who starts having hallucinations.