"I just want to make you into a decent human being."

Someone said the above sentence to me just minutes ago. I couldn't believe that the words actually came out of "Josh's" mouth. I mean, I thought we were beyond this. It came in the midst of an argument over my "immaturity" of submitting a letter to the public forum of the Deseret News which (gasp!) was actually published - on a Sunday, which means that everyone and their dog saw it if they read the Opinion section. I've sent two letters before to the same newspaper within the last two years, and both were published - the last one also on a Sunday. But I guess that this one hit a nerve. Here is the (unedited) text of my letter, which was edited for length (I'm assuming). The boldened parts of the letter were not in the newspaper:

"I couldn't help but write in response to Tonia Freeman Doussett's letter ("Advocate's Hypocrisy"). She outlines the idea that the "kiss-in" at Main Street Plaza was a hypocritical, defiant attack aimed at the LDS Church. Here's how I see it: LDS Church spokeswoman Kim Farah released a statement saying that the two men had been "asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior just as any other couple would have been." That is misleading, at best - wedding pictures are taken on the Plaza all the time. Ironically, the LDS Church is ever-so-willing to be the unsolicited, self-proclaimed 'moral' police regarding a kiss on the cheek while at the same time turning a blind eye towards its thousands of members who are living in this country illegally, even going as far as sending some of these people on missions. Clearly, a kiss on the cheek from one male to another is what this is really all about. Trespassing, anyone?"

Now, of course the letter is provocative and somewhat contentious. By definition, this incident is provocative and contentious - how could my letter not be? I was trying to point out a glaring inconsistency, after all. I had read several letters and opinion pieces on the incident and no one had pointed out that illegal immigrants who live in the U.S. and who are also Church members are, in fact, "trespassing" on U.S. soil - but the Church has urged compassion on these people (and sends them on missions if they so choose, in addition to considering them Temple-worthy). I even read the police report when it became available (and the security guards made no mention of "groping" as the Church statements have). Even the Deseret News, in an article today, said that, "A police report said they sat down for a kiss and were approached by a pair of church security guards, who asked them to leave because their behavior was 'unwanted.'" (Emphasis added.) Because nobody else had made the point that I saw as most important, I felt the urge to write the letter myself as clearly as I could.

"Josh" was offended by my letter because "[I] attacked something very important to [him]." In response, I said, "Well, I feel hurt when my Church would arrest someone like me because of simple and affectionate homosexual behavior." "Josh's" response, "Oh, come on Drew! They were drunk! I see drunk people arrested all the time. If you want to be proud of that behavior then that's your choice."

When I accused "Josh" of being too worried about his image, and that being the reason why he was so upset, he said, "Drew, I just want to make you into a decent (code: good) human being." He also accused me of "hating" him.

I don't hate him. It hurts me to hear that he thinks I do. I love him and I know that he loves me. But I feel like I should have the right to write a letter to the local newspaper if I want to. If it hurts him that I wrote a letter that criticized his Church's property policy, then I understand that and I am sorry that he is hurt by it. But, like I said above, I am hurt when my Church would treat two men this way and then deny being homophobic, and even going as far as to say that a straight couple exhibiting the same behaviors on Church property would have been addressed in a similar manner. Puuuulease!

Furthermore, "Josh" echoed the "you're either with us or you're against us" attitude. I told him flat out that that attitude, when applied to anything, is a fallacy. To put your loyalty to the group, whether it be political, religious, or otherwise, is a trap that too many people fall into. I elaborated on why I thought this was wrong - and that's because without criticism then there is no vector for change, no drive for improvement, no way to become better. And the response from "Josh": "You are going to change the Church?!"

To clarify, I personally see a difference between "the Church" and "the Gospel" because THEY ARE DIFFERENT. Case in point, the Gospel is perfect, but the Church is not. The Church is led by mortal men and, try as we might, we can never perfect the Church while we, as fallen beings, are carrying out perfect revelation. It just can't happen: while the revelation we receive can be perfect or ideal, we may not carry it out in the same exact way that was intended - and that's okay. To accept the fact that we are not perfect and never will be so long as we have yet to experience death is a freeing action that we can choose to implement in our lives. Jesus Christ is the only person in the Earth's history to have been perfect while having a mortal body. To say that we can be perfected while still in our fallen state is to indirectly deny the great miracle and gift that Christ was.

I tried to explain this to "Josh", but he still thought that I was coming out in "open rebellion" to Church leaders. I told him that I assumed he was calling me an Apostate, but he denied it. I think that questioning, or even criticizing, Church property policies are not subject to being labeled as being in "open rebellion." Call me crazy, but agreeing with Church property policies is not a requisite for Baptism, Resurrection, or Exaltation. I don't believe that I have to agree with them for God to be pleased with me or even to love me. He loves me now, He has always loved me, and He will continue to love me for the rest of my life despite the opinions I hold or the actions I take because His love is unconditional. Furthermore, I don't believe that being a Mormon is a requisite for being a decent person. I refuse that notion at any and all levels.

So, at this time, I am choosing to agree-to-disagree: he may think I'm not a decent person, but I think I am. And although his choice of words hurts me, I think he's a decent, although different, person as well.

"...love you like a cold sore."

As I've already pointed out, I LOVE "Will & Grace." It is my favorite TV show of all time, and I own all eight seasons of it on DVD. In fact, in the past when I have been depressive for various reasons (including SSA issues), I have simply turned on "Will & Grace" to elevate my mood. In short, this show has been a blessing in my life. Recently, I have undertaken the task to watch the entire series - one episode at a time. And while I have been doing this, I have been jotting down my favorite quotes from my favorite character: Karen Walker (played by Megan Mullally). I have just finished season two and want to share several of my favorite quotes of her's on here for your enjoyment (audio links are provided for some):

Season 1

"Grace, I may never have had a special relationship with a man, but I have been married twice."

"Come on! Look, I'm serious. The thing is: I'm starting to feel as if I don't own my own husband anymore."

"Honey, we talked about this blouse."

"Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one."

"Oh, and honey, did you really think you could get into Heaven wearing body glitter? Well you can't!"

"Honey, you still test-driving those anti-depressants? 'Cause I think it's time to buy."

"I can't have a kid right now; we just re-carpeted!"

"Rosario, yeah... hi, honey. Listen, I'm gonna need you to make one of your seven-layer cakes for tomorrow. And keep an eye on the kids - the fat one's gonna go right for the bowl."

"...if I hadn't deadened my frown lines with Botox you'd be able to read my empathy."

"As Gandhi once said: 'You're only as strong as your weakest servant.'"

"Stan had to take his kids to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name? Wait a minute, it'll come to me. 'Stan, take the kids to see that bitch... Kathy! Kathy!'"

"Honey, you know, whenever I get stressed out I always like to... Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out! I mean, why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze, and I've got a killer rack! Good morning!"

"Oh, the oldest story in the world, honey. Boy meets girl; boy meets new girl; boy dips girl; boy sleeps with boys... Wait a minute, maybe that's not the oldest story."

"...Stan's going hot-air ballooning and I wanted to review my pre-nup."

"No, I will not lower my voice! You're my husband; who the hell else am I gonna yell at?!"

"My shrink? Honey, I only go to him for refills."

"Hey! Come on boys, what's the hold-up? I only get four hours for lunch!"

"Oh yeah, he's fine. Javier, the bus boy, gave him the Heimlich. Gosh, I should probably get him something as a 'thank-you' - maybe the rest of his family from Cuba!"

"...Let me just boil all this hoo-ha down to two important points, okay? One - brown is over. And two - you need to get a life. Alright, honey, you're done."

And my favorite from Season 1:

"Thank you all for coming. I know my husband Stan would've loved to have been here tonight, but, regrettably, could not attend as he is at home watching the Knicks game."

Season 2

"Grace, you're stuck in a box getting rid of ass-plaque. Take it as a sign. This evening is a bust."

"Okay, and let me guess: was her nickname um... "Slutty Big-Boobs"?

"Just a maid?! That's like saying that 'Pradas are just shoes,' or 'Vodka is just a morning beverage.'"

"You're just lucky I let my kids take the pepper spray to school for show-and-tell."

"If you expect me to shop out of a bin with a bunch of mall-walking blue hairs in "I Love Grandma" t-shirts you've got another thing comin'!"

"Yeah? Well [age] has whacked you in the face with a shovel and left you for dead. You look like hell!"

"Honey, I think you're missing the silver-lining here. When you're old and in diapers, a gay son will know how to keep you away from chiffon and backlighting."

"You called me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll?! Honey, my time is precious. Call me when one of 'em gives birth at the prom!"

"Are you workin' me Wilma?!"

"Okay... first of all, the shoes go back on the Mayflower."

"Excuse me! Mink trumps felt, okay?"

"Yeah, I had a private detective do a little snooping around. He was getting bored following Stan back-and-forth to Krispy Kreme anyway."

"Oh, Stanley! You know I don't find that funny! Now get me another towel and put it on the real towel rack."

"Oh, hi pharmacist. No, honey, I don't need anything for the weekend - unless the FDA's approved something new. Oh terrif, send me a bottle! Oh, actually, make it two; yeah, we're taking family portraits this weekend."

"Honey, don't start with that or I'm gonna go after those pants."

"Listen: I know that you're still mad at me about what happened with Josh. But when you think about it really, honey, shouldn't you be mad at yourself for taking advice from somebody who was probably half-in-the-bag at the time?"

"I'm going to decorate Michael's place. I mean, he's gay, how hard could it be?! Chrome, black leather, a shower for six, done!"

"Oh, Grace, my head is spinning and not in a good way."

"Drop those pies boy, you know the rule... when we can see your neck you can have dessert. Rosario, hug the girl. The school said she needs affection."

"Give it to me straight, Doc. Am I looking at a future filled with loneliness and better days, or is Stan gonna die?"

"Oh, Grace, as long as we're being all warm and fuzzy here: you know how I always get on your case about the way you dress and the way you do your hair? Well, really... when are you gonna do something about it?"

"...would you look at these people? Why anybody would choose to be homeless is beyond me."

"Maybe it's like it says in the Bible: 'I felt bad because I had no shoes, but then I met someone who had really bad shoes.'"

"Honey, this is a cult! Yeah, like the Moonies or the homeless. Yes, they're trying to make gay people straight. Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?!"

"I wonder if Stan's exhausted himself on the body pillow yet..."

"Hey, hey, hey, come on, this is serious! If you can't teach me how to cook, I have to have sex with my husband."

"...one woman's sexual harassment is another woman's night off."

"Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick."

"...honey, love you like a cold sore."

"And where do you get off asking me for 500k? Do you know how many times I had to, 'Oh! Oh! Oh! Stan! Oh! Ah!' to get that?!"

...More to come after I finish watching seasons three and four!

"Secret" Powers

I have to "come out" again for the third time. Okay, not really, but I have to tell everyone that I believe in "The Secret." I've described my experiences with it before, but I've again recently felt its simple power in my life and want to share it with you so that you can use its power in your life, too.

Back in April, I applied for a position at Logan Regional Hospital that I just knew that I would be offered. It didn't end up happening, and it was my third interview at that hospital in the O.R. I was disappointed but I knew the the Lord had a plan for me. After moving home I applied for several more jobs through Intermountain Health Care (IHC). Nothing seemed to come to fruition from it all and I began to become discouraged. However, a slew of positions opened up at around the same time late last month and I applied for the ones that were within my scope-of-practice.

Now, I don't know exactly when I started implementing "The Secret" in this situation, but I will describe the process. One day, without any prior thought, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down the six jobs that I wanted the most (that I had already applied for) in random order:

"Surgical Tech - PCMC"
"CP Tech - Alta View / Nights"
"CP Tech - LDS Hospital"
"PSR - WJ Clinic"
"Peds Tech - PCMC SDS"
"CP Tech - PCMC"

And below that, I wrote the following paragraph about the one job I wanted the most:

"I finally got a job at Alta View Hospital. I work graveyards in Central Processing. It pays well and I LOVE the hours! I am so glad this one is mine! Thank you, Heavenly Father. I am blessed & loved.

Drew Stelter, CST"

Now, almost every day following that I retraced the paragraph with a different stylus: the first time I wrote it in pencil; the next time in black pen; the next time in blue pen; the next time in an orange highlighter, etc... I did this to remind myself each and every day that I had nothing to worry about - that I would get a job and that He would provide for me. I expressed my gratitude during prayers not that I had a job or would get this specific job, but that I felt loved, cared for, and provided for. I knew that a job would come.

A while went by (at least 10 days) and I had received no contact from any hospital about interviewing. I did receive one or two "thanks, but no thanks" emails, however.

Then, one day, I had to travel to the Tech Center to drop off a form for Greg (my Surgical Tech instuctor) to fill out. He used to work at Alta View full-time and then left to start teaching; he still works in the O.R. and in C.P. as a PRN during the summer months. Anway, I dropped off my form and he said, "John called me." I asked, "Who's John?" It turns out that "John" was John Palmer, hiring manager in the C.P. department at Alta View. Greg had said to John, "You would be absolutely crazy not to hire Drew." In fact, John had called Greg with three names - all names of former students of Greg's. And Greg told him to hire me! This pumped me up and I was just waiting for that phone call.

The next week I got the phone call and scheduled an interview for the CP Tech position at Alta View. I finally felt like things were going my way! The very next day, HR called again and wanted to schedule an interview for the CP Tech position at LDS Hospital. I scheduled it - at this point, why would I turn down an interview?!

The night before my interview at Alta View, I took that piece of paper and retraced the paragraph in permanent marker. I did this on purpose - a symbolic act of "sealing the deal" or making it permanent. I said a prayer and went to bed.



At the interview the next day, six candidates had been invited so as to interview all at once and then individually. I was the last to interview individually, and right before I went in to interview I wrote the paragraph once more in the notebook I was carrying.

The interview at LDS Hospital went very much the same way. I did not rewrite the paragraph this time. Oddly enough, I felt as though I was wasting my time there - I just knew I was going to get the Alta View position. But then Anjellah arrived and waited in the hall for John Hancock to come (Anjellah was who I deemed my competition at the Alta View interview and John Hancock was the HR recruiter at both interviews). I overheard Anjellah telling John that she had accepted another position and would not interview for the LDS Hospital position. Oh CRAP! went through my mind at that point - she had gotten the Alta View position! I stepped up my game and thought that I gave a better interview the second time around.

Yesterday, John Hancock called and offered me the Alta View position as a CP Tech. I immediately accepted! Today I went to fill out all my papers to prove that I am not an illegal immigrant and do not have TB! Haha!

It is important to point out that I had the distinct feeling during one of my prayers that I would have to make a choice. I assumed that this choice would be between the jobs at Alta View and LDS Hospital. I also thought that this choice might be between the CP Tech position at Alta View and the Surgical Tech position at PCMC. It turned out to be the latter. It is ironic because I have been trying to get a job at PCMC for six months. I thought it would be fairly easy because I performed a rotation there, but it has been extremely difficult. Today, though, PCMC called and wanted to set up an interview for tomorrow for their Surgical Tech position! I declined - even though it pays $3.32 more per hour than the position I accepted at Alta View. The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't He? I'm disappointed that the timing was off, but I felt that I should be grateful for what I have already received - only then can I let new blessings come into my life. Plus, I like the hours better - I don't want to have to wake up at 5:30 every morning! Haha!

That, ladies and gentleman, is the most important part of "The Secret" (the two-minute segment starting at 9:15 is especially pertinent) - allowing new things to come into your life by being grateful for what you already have.

"Because you scare me..."

I went to SLC Pride this weekend - a little rainy, but I've interpreted it as "braving the storm." For, in fact, isn't that what we've all done? We should be proud of ourselves for doing that.

However, I faced a storm when I got home. You see, I had explained to my mom well ahead of time that I was going to the Pride Festival (as I had done the year before), but I did not explain this to my dad for two reasons. I figured that he would know I was gone but not know where I was going (as usual - which is TOTALLY fine), and I also figured that he would get angry and perhaps not let me go. So I figured that I would have to confront him with the truth when I got home. I didn't want to, but I knew it would be a possibility.

When I returned home, the only person there was my older brother who was napping in the basement. So I went to my room and straightened it up and started to watch TV. When my dad got home, he came up to my room and talked with me. Our conversation, recreated to the best of my memory and ability:

"Where were you?"

"I was hanging out with friends."

"Who? What were you doing?"

"You don't know them. We chilled, watched a movie, went out to eat. [All true - but with different groups of people.]

"Oh okay... Well I know you were at this Pride thing they've got going on downtown."

"How did you know I was there?"

"Drew, don't you think I would know? Sure, I know! Why wouldn't I know where you were?"

"Did mom tell you?"

"No, she didn't tell me. I just knew. [pause] So these 'people' you were with - I assume they struggle with the same thing? Are these the people from that thing in Lehi?" [I still don't know how he knew. I don't believe that my mom told him.]

"Yeah, they are the ones from Lehi."

"Um... It really disappoints me that you went to that thing [Pride]. It completely goes against everything that I've taught you."

"You haven't even been to it before."

"That doesn't mean that I don't have an idea of what it's about."

"Oh, so you're passing judgment on something and, by default, onto me, that you only have an 'idea' about? That's not fair. That doesn't make sense to me."

"I'm not passing judgment, Drew. I'm just trying to help you. Look - there is one view on homosexuality as far as the world is concerned, and that view is put on for show at these things."

"Oh, really?! What is this 'one view'?"

"The world doesn't separate the feelings from the behavior. They think that it's one way or the other; that if you have these feelings then you must act upon them."

"So? Just because you disagree with them doesn't mean that there's only one view."

"Well, yeah there is but not according to the world. The only time I have seen a positive view put forward and encouraged was that one guy who wrote that book [Ty Mansfield, co-author of In Quiet Desperation]. What's his name? [I didn't tell him his name.] Well, anyway, that is the only example I can think of where gay people are encouraged to obey the commandments, stay celibate, etc... And that is sad. It's a total shame."

[I should've said something snarky like, "Well I think it's sad that half of all of Utah's homeless teens identify as LGBT and have been kicked out of their homes," but I didn't.] "Well it's the Church's own fault. It's published by the Church [vicariously] and is sold in Deseret Book [a church-owned store]. You can't put that onto anyone else. The Church publishes it but doesn't let people know that they sell it. I have to find out from another gay person, who found out from another gay person, etc... You remember the pamphlet, God Loveth His Children? Well the only advertising the Church did [that I saw] was in the Deseret News. Bishop ______ didn't even know about it - I had to tell him when I went to talk with him once. You would think that the Church would make a huge announcement about new literature it produces, especially about something as important as this. How would Bishop ______ not know about it? You would think they would make it known to their leadership if they produced something like that."

"I just don't think the world is ready for it yet. One day all of this will seem trivial because it will become a non-issue. But it hasn't happened yet."

"Dad, things are changing, and I want to be a part of it. It's a process; it doesn't just happen overnight. I'm not going to put my life on hold because the world's not ready for it yet."

[long pause]

"You know, Drew? This whole 'ASS' thing is taking its toll on me. It really is." [I'm not joking, either. He really said this.]

"'ASS' thing? 'SSA', you mean?" [laughing and rolling my eyes]

"Yeah, sorry: SSA. It just takes its toll, you know?"

"Uh, yeah... I know."

"And it really just upsets me when you wear your ring." [My ring is silver with a flat top, in which six small fake stones, each one a different color rainbow, are set.]

"Why?!"

"Because I don't think that it represents what you think it represents."

"Well what do you think it represents? What do you think when you see it?"

"I think it sends the message, 'Hey! Come have a good time! Yeah, come on over. Let's hook up and have a good time. I'm looking for somethin'.'"

"Well that's not what it means."

"Well that's what I'm saying - that you are sending the wrong message by wearing it. And I don't like you to wear it because I think that people who don't know you well enough will think that about you when it's not true."

"Well that's their problem, not mine."

"I just think that it does you a disservice. [long pause] Yeah, Drew, it just really shreds my heart when I see you wearing that ring. It really does. [short pause] It's like you're shoving it in people's faces!"

"What?! That doesnt' even make sense, Dad. You wear a wedding ring - does that mean that you're shoving your marriage down in people's faces? At work? At the gym? In Church?" [When I was talking with Scott earlier today, he made a comparison to a "CTR" ring that I could've used in my argument.]

"I just don't like it. In all my life, I have never seen another person wear a ring like that - not once. And yet you feel as if you must wear it. I don't understand that."

"Well you obviously don't know a lot of gay people then."

"Oh, that's bologna! You don't think I've seen gay people downtown? None of them feel like they need to wear a ring."

"Well I do. Besides, it's a ring - you don't just walk up to someone and check to see if they are wearing a ring. That's ridiculous."

"Well, no, but rings are noticeable. And yours would stick out like a sore thumb!"

[long pause]

"Dad, I would be willing to not wear my ring during a specific time, day, or place just for you. Do you want me to do that?

"No. Drew, I love you and I hope you know that. I worry about your safety. I just don't want you coming home one day beat up."

"I know. Love you, too."

[He comes over to the bed, where I am sitting, and gives me a hug. About five minutes later I walk down the stairs and he is smiling and getting ready to go to the family party at my relatives' house. My mom and sister are in the kitchen just around the corner.]

"Thanks for talking with me. I guess we just don't have very good communication. I want to have that communication with you. How come you tell mom things and not me sometimes?"

"Because you scare me..."

Famous Gays & Lesbians...

Just for fun, I searched the web for famous gays and I found out how little I actually knew regarding this topic; there are thousands! (Of course, those thousands include lesbians and bisexuals from all over the world.)

The site with the most complete list was, surprisingly, Wikipedia. People bag on Wikipedia all the time because it's "not reliable," but it has routinely been reliable for me in the past. Heck, fairly soon after the (latest) Chris Buttars "brouhaha" a few months ago Wikipedia had already added the information to his page and cited it to KTVX-4 (ABC 4, which broke the story). Hence, I say that Wikipedia is reliable, and this is my blog, so that's how it goes.

I have gone through Wikipedia's lists and consolidated the celebrities that I know. If you know of any that I have missed or any that may simply not be a celebrity to me (and hence I don't recognize and list them), please let me know and I'll add them. Let's have fun with this!

P.S. I am a cinephile (AKA "movie buff"). You may not know everyone on my lists - this is why I have provided links (and why this post took so long to write)!

Film Directors:

Pedro Almodovar (OSCAR; "Volver" & "All About My Mother")
Alejandro Amenabar ("The Others" & "The Sea Inside")
Clive Barker ("Hellraiser" series)
George Cukor (OSCAR; "My Fair Lady" & "The Philadelphia Story")
Stephen Daldry
Roland Emmerich
James Ivory ("The Remains of the Day" & "Howard's End"; Merchant-Ivory films)
Rob Marshall
John Cameron Mitchell ("Hedwig & the Angry Inch")
Victor Salva ("Jeepers Creepers")
John Schlesinger (OSCAR; "Midnight Cowboy")
Adam Shankman ("Hairspray" & "A Walk to Remember")
Bryan Singer
Gus Van Sant

Film Actors & Actresses:

Drew Barrymore
Marlon Brando (2 OSCARS)
Richard Chamberlain ("The Towering Inferno")
Montgomery Clift ("From Here to Eternity")
Alan Cumming
James Dean
Marlene Dietrich ("Morocco")
Divine ("Hairspray")
Rupert Everett
Harvey Fierstein ("Independence Day", "Mrs. Doubtfire")
Jodie Foster (2 OSCARS)
Stephen Fry ("Gosford Park")
Greta Garbo ("Grand Hotel")
John Gielgud (OSCAR; "Elizabeth", "Arthur")
Alec Guinness (OSCAR)
Nigel Hawthorne ("Amistad")
Anne Heche
Rock Hudson ("Giant")
Tab Hunter ("Damn Yankees")
Derek Jacobi ("Gladiator")
Michael Jeter ("Jurassic Park III")
Angelina Jolie (OSCAR)
Cherry Jones ("Signs"; originated the Sister Aloysius role in "Doubt" on stage)
Nathan Lane
Bai Ling ("Anna and the King")
Lindsay Lohan
Kristanna Loken ("Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines")
Jane Lynch
Miriam Margolyes ("Harry Potter" films)
Heather Matarazzo ("Saved!", "The Princess Diaries")
Kelly McGillis
Ian McKellen
Sal Mineo ("Rebel Without a Cause")
Kathy Najimy
Laurence Olivier
Anthony Perkins
Tony Richardson (2 OSCARS; father to Natasha & Joely Richardson)
Scott Rudin (OSCAR; producer: "Doubt", "There Will Be Blood")
Glenn Shadix ("Beetlejuice")
Fiona Shaw ("Harry Potter" films)
Lily Tomlin
Clifton Webb ("Titanic (1953)")
Paul Winfield ("Sounder")

TV Actors & Actresses:

Jillian Barberie (host of "EX-treme Dating")
Saffron Burrows ("Boston Legal")
Portia de Rossi
Andy Dick
Sara Gilbert ("Roseanne")
Tim Gunn
Neil Patrick Harris
Richard Hatch
Edward Hibbert ("Frasier")
Leslie Jordan ("Will & Grace")
T.R. Knight
Reichen Lehmkuhl (winner of "The Amazing Race" & Lance Bass' ex-boyfriend)
Harvey Levin (host of "TMZ")
Rachel Maddow
Megan Mullally
Max Mutchnick (producer of "Will & Grace")
Cynthia Nixon
Graham Norton (host of "The Graham Norton Show")
Rosie O'Donnell
Suze Orman
Sarah Paulson ("Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip")
David Hyde Pierce ("Frasier")
Robert Reed ("The Brady Bunch")
Charles Nelson Reilly (panelist on "Match Game")
Cesar Romero (Joker on TV's "Batman")
Adamo Ruggiero ("Degrassi")
Dick Sargent ("Bewitched")
Darren Star (creator of "Sex and the City")
George Takei ("Star Trek")
Jackie Warner ("Work Out")
B.D. Wong ("Law and Order: SVU")

Music:

Clay Aiken
Billy Joe Armstrong (of "Green Day")
Lance Bass
Melissa Etheridge
Boy George
Elton John
Janis Joplin
Liberace
Johnny Mathis
George Michael
Sinead O'Connor
Tegan & Sara
Carly Simon
Rufus Wainwright
Pete Wentz (of "Fall Out Boy")

Comedians:

Ant
Mario Cantone
Margaret Cho
Ellen DeGeneres
Wanda Sykes
Bruce Vilanch

Historical Figures:

Alexander the Great (profiled in the film "Alexander")
Cyrano de Bergerac (profiled in several works)
Caligula (Roman Emperor)
Edward II (King of England)
Hadrian (Roman Emperor)
Leonardo da Vinci (profiled in several works)
Michelangelo (profiled in the film "The Agony and the Ecstasy")
Marquis de Sade (profiled in the film "Quills")
Sappho (Greek poet in the B.C. era)

Authors:

Horatio Alger, Jr.
Michael Ausiello (columnist for "Entertainment Weekly")
James Baldwin
William S. Burroughs (profiled in the film "Running With Scissors", which he wrote)
Lord Byron
Truman Capote (profiled in the film "Capote")
John Cheever
Patricia Cornwell
Michael Cunningham
Ralph Waldo Emerson
E.M. Forster
Allen Ginsberg
Dorien Grey (a pseudonym for Roger Margason)
James Howe ("Bunnicula" series)
Langston Hughes
Chuck Palahniuk ("Fight Club")
David Sedaris ("Me Talk Pretty One Day")
Gertrude Stein
T.H. White ("The Once and Future King" - OMGosh, my favorite book!)
Walt Whitman
Oscar Wilde (profiled in several works)
Virginia Woolf (profiled in the film "The Hours")

Politicians:

Barney Frank (D-Massachusetts)
Harvey Milk (profiled in the movie "Milk")
Gore Vidal

Composers:

Peter Allen ("Arthur's Theme"; divorced from Liza Minnelli)
Howard Ashman ("Aladdin", "The Little Mermaid")
Cole Porter (profiled in the film "De-Lovely")
Marc Shaiman ("Prop 8 - The Musical", "Hairspray (2007)")
Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Infamous:

Michael Alig (NYC club promoter & convicted murderer; profiled in the film "Party Monster")
Peter Bacanovic (Martha Stewart's stockbroker)
Joan Crawford (OSCAR; film actress)
Jeffrey Dahmer (serial killer)
Mark Foley (former R-Florida)
Annie Leibovitz (famous controversial photographer; took Miley Cyrus' virtue away)
James "Jim" McGreevey (former Governor of New Jersey; appeared on Oprah after gay affair)
Joel Schumacher (director; "Batman & Robin")
Matthew Shepard (murder victim; profiled in the mini-series "The Matthew Shepard Story")
Aileen Wuornos (serial killer; profiled in the film "Monster")

Fashion Designers:
Christian Dior
Marc Jacobs
Michael Kors
Isaac Mizrahi
Yves Saint-Laurent
Christian Siriano (winner of "Project Runway")
Gianni Versace

...and every other male fashion designer out there! JK JK

Screenwriters (Film & Television):

Alan Ball (OSCAR; "American Beauty", "Six Feet Under")
Greg Berlanti ("Brothers & Sisters")
Dustin Lance Black (OSCAR; "Milk", "Big Love")
Marc Cherry ("Desperate Housewives")
Bill Condon (OSCAR; "Dreamgirls", "Chicago")
Michael Patrick King ("Sex and the City")
Tony Kushner ("Munich", "Angels in America")
Don Mancini ("Child's Play"/"Chucky" movies)
Ryan Murphy ("Nip/Tuck")
John Waters ("Hairspray")
Kevin Williamson ("Scream")

Athletes (wait - there are gay athletes?!):

John Amaechi (former Utah Jazz player)
Rudy Galindo (championship figure skater)
Orlando Jordan (WWE wrestler)
Billie Jean King (tennis player; faced Bobby Riggs in the famous Battle of the Sexes match)
Greg Louganis (diver and Olympic-winner)
Martina Navratilova (tennis player)
Sheryl Swoopes (WNBA star)

Others:

Josephine Baker
Bruce Bastian
Nate Berkus (Oprah's go-to interior designer)
Chastity Bono (Cher's daughter)
Mary Cheney
Janice Dickinson (former model)
David Geffen (recording executive)
Sam Garrison (one of Nixon's many lawyers for his impeachment trial)
Kitty Genovese (crime victim; a crime studied by social psychologists, by the way...)
Steve Hildebrand (Obama's Deputy National Campaign Director)
Perez Hilton
James St. James (NYC "Club Kid")
Frida Kahlo (artist; profiled in the film "Frida")
Alfred Kinsey (biologist and sexuality researcher; profiled in the film "Kinsey")
David LaChapelle (media director; see his U.K. "Lost" commercial)
Bishop Gene Robinson (first openly-gay Episcopalian Bishop)
Samantha Ronson (Lindsay Lohan's ex-girlfriend)
Anna-Nicole Smith (model)
Andy Warhol (artist)

So... basically, without all these people, the entertainment industry wouldn't exist. Wel, it would exist but it would suck really, really badly!

Metacontingencies: Giving Them a Reason

As I was studying for my Behavior Analysis final tonight, I read some interesting material that gave me some insight as to why society, in general, has a hard time changing its customary traditions and accepting gay marriage. It all has to do with metacontingencies.

Before I go any further, I want to cite the textbook from which I am borrowing information:

Pierce, W. D., & Cheney, C. (2008) Behavior Analysis and Learning. Great Britain: Psychology Press.

In addition, I will provided in-text notations regarding the page numbers on which I found the information.

First, in order to understand what a metacontingency is, one must understand what a contingency is in regards to the study of behavior. A contingency "defines the relationship between the [environment], the operant [a willful behavior], and the consequences that follow the behavior" (344). So, in other words, an environment or situation sets the occasion for a behavior to be willed, with positive or negative consequences following. These consequences influence whether the individual will emit (will) the particular behavior in the future.

Does that make sense?

So, a metacontingency describes "the contingent relations among cultural practices and the effects of those practices for the group" (354). Therefore, a metacontingency describes a contingency of behavior on a cultural level rather than on an individual level (which a contingency describes).

A further example, as provided by the text:

"A culture is said to be evolved when the community adopts these innovations. Adoption of innovations depends on the metacontingencies facing the group. For example, a new food crop with higher yield is selected when the metacontingencies favor increased grain production. This could occur when a community is impoverished or when higher yielding crops support the feeding of domestic animals used for work or consumption. Higher yield crops may not be selected when food is overly abundant, when increased grain supply leads to problems of storage, or when a new crop attracts pests that spread disease" (337).

In other words, our behavior as individuals, families, societies is influenced by its consequences. If a behavior or practice will produce a benefit, then we are more likely to emit this behavior than if the consequences were neutral or negative.

It is with this premise that I present a new approach to establish gay marriage as an option throughout this country: we must give society a reason to not just want gay marriage, but to need it. The bottom line is that society will change with its circumstances - just look at the current recession. Would the Bush and Obama administrations have bailed out companies if there were no benefits (that may be real or perceived)? If there was not economic worry, these administrations would not have bailed out anybody. And if these bailouts do not work, then future administrations will be more likely to refuse the bailing-out of companies.

At the end of the day, those who are against gay marriage don't see any benefit for themselves. In fact, most don't even see the issue's consequences as neutral - they see them as negative and harmful. It is our job to illustrate to them the benefits that gay marriage will bring to them as individuals, as families, and as an American society. Now, I believe that there are indeed some benefits to legalizing gay marriage, but that is not the issue. Even if those benefits are only perceived by society, then they will be more accepting of gay marriage. Now, I'm not advocating that we lie to them or promote a false agenda; all I am saying is that we need to get them to become more comfortable in other ways, such as being more willing to even discuss the issue rather than ignore it or shut it down.

That is why "coming out" is (in my opinion) the most effective way to win sympathy for us as individuals and as a group, as well as the most effective way to win votes for gay marriage. In behavioral psychology terms, this is because their contingencies have changed. They no longer feel innocent for voting against gay marriage because now they know people on a personal level who will be directly affected by their votes. The process of "coming out" by one person sets the occasion for the listeners (a.k.a. friends and family) to emit a different behavior (vote for gay marriage), which will be followed by consequences (which may vary due to many factors).

This is supported (I believe) by further passages from the text:

"A common observation is that cultural practices in humans often remain unchanged over many generations, even when these customs make no sense. A practice may persist for many years because the members of the group who engage in it fail to contact a change in the metacontingencies. At the individual level, a person [obeys]... the taboo because the social contingencies arranged by the group [for disobeying the taboo] avert contact with the positive reinforcement contingency. Cultural practices also may persist when the metacontingencies are stable and the current practices are sufficient to meet the contingencies" (337-8).

In other words, if circumstances don't change, then people and society will never change. People stick to tradition (opposing gay marriage) because not doing so will produce negative consequences (administered by their families, friends, churches, etc...).

Calls for change challenge individuals to really consider what they need and what society needs. So it is not just our job to challenge on an individual level but on a societal level as well. We need to make the consequences for supporting gay marriage positive for the individual and for society. Only then will people be willing to accept us and realize that we have rights as divine creatures. After all, people will only do something if there is some benefit (short- or long-term) to themselves; if there is nothing of personal benefit for supporting gay marriage, then people will not support it. Support can be defined in any way the individual perceives; it can be intrinsically motivated ("I feel good when I value my fellow citizens with equality") or it can be extrinsically motivated ("It will encourage American acceptance abroad"). The point is that we must stress the positive consequences for individuals and societies who support gay marriage. Only then will we win our rightful cause.

End Title

Lately, I have found myself discovering new and inspiring instrumental music - most of it from film soundtracks and movie trailers.

So I have decided that I would like to share this with you all. They can all be found on iTunes. Some are better than others, and I will present them in order from best to worst (which is still great). Enjoy!

The best of these pieces is "Angels in America" from the 2003 HBO mini-series of the same name. It has some gay themes and stars Meryl Streep - need I say more? The entire score was composed by Thomas Newman, and I would recommend you listen to the entire soundtrack. This song is #9 on my iPod's Top 25 Most Played playlist. The following is the opening credits which feature the above-named song:



The next piece is called "Christmas/Sarajevo 12/24" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. This song is a cover of "Carol of the Bells." While working at the E-Center doing security I was able to see them perform live twice in one day - and it is the best concert I have ever seen. They visit Utah annually ever fall season, and I would strongly recommend buying a ticket to see them perform. They play Christmas tunes using a full orchestra and electric guitars (the song starts at the 2:30 mark):



If you watch CBS' "Cold Case," you may be familiar with the next song. It is called "Nara" and is the TV show's theme song. It was composed and performed by a group called E.S. Posthumus. I first heard it at one of my high school Dance Company's two performances throughout the year and fell in love with it. Oddly enough, it reminds me of God and Jesus Christ preparing for the Second Coming. This song is #22 on my iPod's Top 25 Most Played playlist:



The next song is called "Revolutionary Road" from the movie of the same name. Again, it was composed by Thomas Newman. The movie is just okay, but it is definitely worth seeing at least once - Leonardo DiCaprio gives an absolutely amazing performance (and I usually don't like him). This song is #10 on my iPod's Top 25 Most Played playlist:



The next song was featured in a film and a movie trailer, the latter being where I first heard it. The film is "Requiem For a Dream" (haven't seen it but plan to) and the movie that featured the song in its trailer is "Sunshine" (a great sci-fi film). The song is called "Lux Aeterna" by Clint Mansell, and it literally means "light eternal." It is kinda creepy, but enjoyable none the less:



Have you seen "Changeling?" It is amazing! What a great film. If you haven't seen it, then it must be seen before you die. Clint Eastwood directed the movie, but few know that he composed its score as well (which he did for "Million Dollar Baby" too). The song is simply titled, "End Titles" and runs through - you guessed it - the movie's end titles. It is actually three songs in one, but the motif is similar throughout all three pieces. It is #21 on my iPod's Top 25 Most Played playlist:



This next song is featured in the trailer for "The Reader." It is called "Primavera" and was composed by Ludovico Einaudi. The film should have been more of a contender during the awards season this past year. The film's score, composed by up-and-comer Nico Muhly, is also great! Kate Winslet did deserve her Oscar, but Meryl Streep deserved it more for "Doubt" (which deserved the Best Picture award). Anyway, this piece is stirring and very emotional, and will definitely make an impact:



"The Hours" features the best soundtrack in several years - it is thoroughly and impeccably accomplished. If you have not seen the movie, I recommend it. Again, it has gay themes and features not only Meryl Streep but Julianne Moore and the cutest little boy that ever existed! The entire score was composed by Philip Glass. Here is the piece entitled, "Morning Passages:"



The final two pieces are from the films "Notes On a Scandal" and "Lucky Number Slevin," respectively. The former was, again, composed by Philip Glass and the latter was composed by J. Ralph. They both can be heard in the trailer for "Doubt."

Tender Mercies

My life has been abundant in tender mercies lately, and I feel like I need to write them down so that I'll never forget them. In fact, I did start to forget some of the details when a friend started chatting with me on Facebook asking me about my status update (it had read, "Drew Stelter feels so blessed and happy right now that he just wants to hug everyone!"). I'm glad he did, because it forced me to talk about my experiences and keep them in my memory so that I could write a post about them. Now, isn't that a tender mercy in and of itself?! ;)

It all started on the third of April, when Iowa legalized gay marriage. I could not believe it! I just could not understand; wasn't the nation supposed to follow in California's footsteps? How could this happen so soon after we had lost the Proposition 8 battle? It was purely amazing, and it lifted my heart.

Then, on the seventh of April, my Adolescent Psychology course was discussing Human Sexuality. We discussed Restrictice, Semi-Restrictive, and Permissive Societies, changes over time, and gender attitudes towards sex. As I was sitting in class, I desperately wanted to ask the question, "Do all of these statistics and trends we're discussing apply equally to heterosexuals and homosexuals?" but I didn't. However, the last half hour of class was spent discussing "Sexual Minority Youth." My professor was so respectful and protective of the classroom environment at this time, and I felt safe to express my opinions (although people in my course do not know that I'm gay. How would they know?). I shot my professor a quick but thoughtful email expressing my gratitude for her actions that day.

After returning from my courses, I quickly browsed the internet before heading home (to accompany my best friend and his family to the MTC; he is serving a mission in the Phillippines). To my surprise, the headlines stated that Vermont had just legalized gay marriage. When I first saw the headline, I started to tear up. I exerted some behavioral control (although my mind was going absolutely wild) and read the news stories about it on several sites. Again, how could this happen so soon after Proposition 8? What does this mean for the rest of the country? This time it was a unanimous decision by the legislature - that had never happened before! I smiled as I realized that the argument of "judicial activism" just had a HUGE hole blown through it, even though Iowa had legalized gay marriage through the courts. And so soon after Iowa?! I couldn't believe that the headline I was reading was real.

Suffice it to say that I spent more time on the internet than I would have liked, although it was a special occasion, wouldn't you think? ;)

My mix CD playing through the car stereo as I exited Sardine Canyon, I started to think about what day my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on, wanting to do something to celebrate this important day. I tried to think it through in my head but I couldn't figure it out. So I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and looked at it's calendar: my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on Easter! I started to tear up at this realization. Immediately, I took it as a validation that my "coming out" was indeed directed by my Heavenly Father and that this was His way of winking at me. Then He reminded me of His love for me: the moment I realized that Easter was the date of my one-month anniversary, the song that was playing through my stereo ended and a new song started: "He Loves Me" by Hilary Weeks. If the realization was a wink, then this was a big, fat bear hug! I lost it at this moment; it wasn't until I reached at least Ogden that the flow of my tears trickled off. What's more is that I had been praying for a while to have a good cry - and I was glad that my cry consisted of happy, not sad, tears. (I will blog about my Easter experience in a later post, as the "fallout" is still happening.)

That night, I decided to read my Patriarchal Blessing (PB). This was important to me because I had meant to read it the last time I was at home and I had forgotten to do it. So I was making a conscious effort. I'm sure you all have had similar experiences where you read your PB for the first time in months (maybe even years) and something in it has attained new meaning since the last time you had read it. This is what happened to me. I will share a brief part of my PB (paraphrasing), as it is important to the rest of the story. It stated that I "will have a special family here in mortality." That statement got me to thinking, "Will my temporal family here on Earth be different from my eternal family after the Judgment? Who will be in this special family with me? What will it look like?" Whatever the answer was, I decided that the word special just had to mean unconventional... What else could it mean?

The next day, I accompanied my best friend and his family to the Provo MTC. His family had a surprise waiting for them when they walked through the door: his mom's sister-in-law and her son (my best friend's cousin), whom they had not seen in twelve years, were in the forum of the MTC; his cousin was entering the MTC the same exact day he was! Anyway, my best friend's mom was introducing everybody, obviously, as nobody looked the same as they had twelve years earlier. When she got to me, she introduced me as, "...Drew, Jason's best friend. But we consider him family; he is my son, too!" Then she turned to me and said, "Isn't that true Drew? Your mom can share!" Later, after we left the MTC, I was able to have a private conversation with her because Jason's brother had taken a ride with his grandmother. She told me that she didn't mind that I'm not serving a mission (as I am "out" to Jason and he told her not to bug me about going). She also talked about how grateful she was for my friendship with Jason, how grateful she was that I treated Jason's little brother well. She also reaffirmed to me that she thought of me as family. Indeed, when we arrived at Jason's grandmother's house, they all treated me like family.

As we left Jason's grandmother's house, we drove past this absolutely huge mansion. It had a sidewalk paved in its front and back yards so a golf-cart could be driven on a smoot surface! It was incredible, and it rivals (maybe even dwarves) the houses on Walker Lane. His grandmother told me that Bruce Bastian used to live there, but that since he became divorced his wife now resides there. (Before this had all happened, I attended Scott's party for the first time in March. To my surprise, he lives literally ten houses down from the house I grew up in as a child! What a small world!) I had a smirk on my face as I drove past that house, grateful that the man who used to live there had donated $1,000,000 to defeat Proposition 8. What a small world it is!

When we had arrived at Jason's home and were all settled inside, his grandmother gave me a stern look. "Now, Drew, just because Jason is on his mission doesn't mean that you can't talk to me anymore! I want you to call me the next time you are in Salt Lake and come visit me." I replied that I didn't have her number and she said, "Well, pull out your phone and I will give it to you!" Then, Jason's mom walked in and Jason's grandmother commented, "Drew knows what he's got to do, now." His mom asked, "What is that?" And Jason's grandmother looked at me and said, "He'll tell you." So I told her.

This whole experience got me to thinking about whether or not Jason's family could be my special family. I though, "How could they not be? I read my PB last night and the mention of my family is one of two things that popped out to me. And then I hear these comments today? Yeah, something's here." But I also got to thinking that, "...maybe my MoHo family could be my family. These are the people who really understand me, who really know what I'm going through, who don't tell me that I'm going to Hell." Right now, I do not know which of these is my special family, but it doesn't really matter. After all, if my family is supposed to be unconventional, then why can't I have two? ;)

The next day was also a great day in my Adolescent Psychology course. The University's GLBT Student Services office provides GLBT Panels for professors that request them, and my awesome professor requested one, so the entire hour-and-a-half period was spent listening to two gay men, one lesbian, and two bisexual women talk about their stories and experiences in this world - and all but one had been brought up LDS. I so desperately wanted to get up there and join them (after all, it was very informal - they would've let me) but I figured that there was a time and a place for these types of things, and that it was my time to listen. It was all very educational, and I learned a lot about myself through their experiences. The one thing that stuck out to me was something they called, "Queer Bounce." Apparently, Queer Bounce occurs after someone "comes out," and is described by his or her fulfilling the stereotypes that he or she sees in society. It is basically a rebellion stage where an individual totally loses the values and morals he had because he has felt repressed/oppressed from expression his true self. It is called a "bounce" because the individual eventually returns to the same values and morals he once had, although he has since integrated the characteristics of his "new" self. I have noticed some of that appearing in myself, and I so pray that I maintain my dignity and respect. I do not want to be that type of person. But at the same time, I understand that it is a relatively natural and universal occurrence and should be expected in some capacity and form. Sigh.

I am so thankful for these tender mercies in my life. They were great reminders to me of His unconditional love, and that he works through all people and all things to bring about his plan. I just read Scott's newest post and am grateful that the Lord has been helping him as well - in fact, He helps each and every one of us. We just have to look - He is there.

Transitions and Why I Give Myself the Benefit of the Doubt

I have had a lot of closure in my life as of late. I came out on Facebook two weeks ago, I have basically moved out of my family's home, I have a job interview tomorrow that I am almost sure will secure me employment, and today was my last scheduled OCD therapy session.

Of course, some of these "closures" have opened up new opportunities that have given me new experiences; I feel like I am transitioning to something new every day, and I feel like I am not succeeding as much as I'd like. I feel like the Angels in Angels in America, who come to Earth to tell the human race that they are always constantly moving and changing, and that sometimes all that is needed is constancy and static; sometimes change is not good.

I don't mean to imply that I am not liking all these changes; on the contrary, most of them are welcome, although not all of them are easy. And despite most of them being welcome, that doesn't make them any more tolerable. It's just that I feel like all of these changes are happening to fast.

Oddly, though, I know for each and every one of these changes that now is the right time. I feel like God is guiding me and directing me; I look back at all the times I was frustrated when I didn't get a job after an interview; at all the times when I wanted to "come out" but someone or something held me back; at all the times when I didn't understand why I should go to USU when I had a better scholarship somewhere else; and see that I was being guided yet didn't know it at these times.

Looking back and realizing when and how I was guided has increased my testimony and my faith in His timing.

Of course, it is presumptuous to think that the job I am interviewing for tomorrow is mine. But I feel as though things will work out: if I get it, then great! And if I don't, then great! I know that His will is all that matters at this point, and that I just have to trust it. Trust Him.


To add more thoughts on my experience with OCD therapy...

I can't believe that the eight weeks are over! Before starting the therapy, I completed a three hour intake assessment. Following that, I received weekly treatment for eight weeks. And today, I completed the outtake assessment.

Completing the outtake assessment has opened my eyes to exactly how much improvement I have made in controlling my thoughts (obsessions) and actions (compulsions). During the outtake today, the person doing my assessment had my intake notes to guide her in the outtake process. Basically, she only asked me the questions that related to specific obsessions and compulsions that I had responded to at the intake. Honestly, I had forgotten how much this controlled my life. She was asking me questions about obsessions and compulsions that were a real part of my life before therapy but now seem foreign. In fact, they seemed foreign enough that sometimes I didn't even remember that they had ever existed!

This is so exciting to me! Now, I still have some bad days when I can't seem to control my obsessions or compulsions, but that's okay. Part of the therapy is facing the fact that real people have anxiety (obsessions) over things; in other words, OCD has no cure because if the definition were "no anxious thoughts" then everyone would have OCD. The best way to "cure" OCD is to train a person's mind to realize that it is okay to feel anxiety, but giving anxious thoughts too much credence will make them grow in number and frequency. Oddly enough, making a conscious effort to battle OCD actually makes the situation worse; the best way to "fight" OCD is to actually not fight at all. Another lesson that I learned was that anxiety fluctuates continually due to many factors: age, season, situations one faces or experiences, etc... Sometimes to have intense anxiety is perfectly normal and okay (such as in response to the death of a loved one).

I feel like a new person! Although I am still diagnosed as having OCD, it is currently in a mild state as compared to what it was eight weeks ago. For the longest time I couldn't comprehend why the Lord told me (through prayer) that I must go to USU; I had a better scholarship at another school, it is more expensive for me to live away from home, and it is quite inconvenient in so many ways. However, walking out of my seventh session it just hit me: I am here because I needed to receive this treatment. And what was the cherry on top? It was free!

The lessons I've learned have generalized to other areas of my life. I used to feel so frustrated with myself for having gay feelings and for being interested in gay-oriented movies, books, and topics. It used to cause me to experience so much discomfort, and I thought that it was because having these feelings and being interested in these things were inherently immoral. But now I know better. Of course I am going to be interested in these things: I am gay, after all! Wanting to watch Brokeback Mountain is a natural reaction for a gay individual from any background. It is no more surprising or immoral for a straight individual to have a desire to watch The Notebook or to read the book of the same name.

In short, the lessons I've learned from my OCD therapy experience actually helped me to give myself some credit. Honestly, before OCD therapy I thought that giving myself the benefit of the doubt would be a cop-out. I didn't like the idea because it made me feel as though I was weak and needed to rationalize what I was thinking or doing in order to make myself feel better. But now I know that people need to give themselves the benefit of the doubt sometimes just to keep themselves from exploding!

Interestingly, this concept relates to the Atonement. Realizing that we are not perfect (giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt) makes use of the Atonement because we are demonstrating to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that we know we are not perfect, that we know we need help, and that not only do we have knowledge of the Atonement, but that we have enough faith in it to put it to use in our lives. After all, it is only He that can heal our wounds and truly make us whole. And the shortcomings that fall through the cracks when we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt (which has a prerequisite of trying to meet Him halfway) will be forgiven if and when we pass our burdens and trials over to Him with faith.

"Everything"

I recently made a playlist for my drives between Logan and West Jordan because the radio starts to break up when I enter Sardine Canyon. It has eighteen songs; some are soft, some are loud, and some are instrumental. After listening to this playlist at least four times, I am sure that I have found a new favorite song: "Everything" by Lifehouse. If you haven't heard this song before (or even if you have), then you need to sit down in a quiet, private place and listen to all of its six minutes. Even though I am not active in the Church anymore, I know that God exists and that Jesus Christ is my Savior. They love me no matter what because their love is, and always will be, unconditional. This song expresses how I feel about my relationship with them better than I ever could:



Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You

You are The Light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace... again

You are The Strength
That keeps me walking
You are The Hope
That keeps me trusting

You are The Light
Into my soul
You are My Purpose
You're Everything

And how I can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?
Yeah...

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands
You won't let me fall

You still my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in?
Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better... any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?