End Title

Lately, I have found myself discovering new and inspiring instrumental music - most of it from film soundtracks and movie trailers.

So I have decided that I would like to share this with you all. They can all be found on iTunes. Some are better than others, and I will present them in order from best to worst (which is still great). Enjoy!

The best of these pieces is "Angels in America" from the 2003 HBO mini-series of the same name. It has some gay themes and stars Meryl Streep - need I say more? The entire score was composed by Thomas Newman, and I would recommend you listen to the entire soundtrack. This song is #9 on my iPod's Top 25 Most Played playlist. The following is the opening credits which feature the above-named song:



The next piece is called "Christmas/Sarajevo 12/24" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. This song is a cover of "Carol of the Bells." While working at the E-Center doing security I was able to see them perform live twice in one day - and it is the best concert I have ever seen. They visit Utah annually ever fall season, and I would strongly recommend buying a ticket to see them perform. They play Christmas tunes using a full orchestra and electric guitars (the song starts at the 2:30 mark):



If you watch CBS' "Cold Case," you may be familiar with the next song. It is called "Nara" and is the TV show's theme song. It was composed and performed by a group called E.S. Posthumus. I first heard it at one of my high school Dance Company's two performances throughout the year and fell in love with it. Oddly enough, it reminds me of God and Jesus Christ preparing for the Second Coming. This song is #22 on my iPod's Top 25 Most Played playlist:



The next song is called "Revolutionary Road" from the movie of the same name. Again, it was composed by Thomas Newman. The movie is just okay, but it is definitely worth seeing at least once - Leonardo DiCaprio gives an absolutely amazing performance (and I usually don't like him). This song is #10 on my iPod's Top 25 Most Played playlist:



The next song was featured in a film and a movie trailer, the latter being where I first heard it. The film is "Requiem For a Dream" (haven't seen it but plan to) and the movie that featured the song in its trailer is "Sunshine" (a great sci-fi film). The song is called "Lux Aeterna" by Clint Mansell, and it literally means "light eternal." It is kinda creepy, but enjoyable none the less:



Have you seen "Changeling?" It is amazing! What a great film. If you haven't seen it, then it must be seen before you die. Clint Eastwood directed the movie, but few know that he composed its score as well (which he did for "Million Dollar Baby" too). The song is simply titled, "End Titles" and runs through - you guessed it - the movie's end titles. It is actually three songs in one, but the motif is similar throughout all three pieces. It is #21 on my iPod's Top 25 Most Played playlist:



This next song is featured in the trailer for "The Reader." It is called "Primavera" and was composed by Ludovico Einaudi. The film should have been more of a contender during the awards season this past year. The film's score, composed by up-and-comer Nico Muhly, is also great! Kate Winslet did deserve her Oscar, but Meryl Streep deserved it more for "Doubt" (which deserved the Best Picture award). Anyway, this piece is stirring and very emotional, and will definitely make an impact:



"The Hours" features the best soundtrack in several years - it is thoroughly and impeccably accomplished. If you have not seen the movie, I recommend it. Again, it has gay themes and features not only Meryl Streep but Julianne Moore and the cutest little boy that ever existed! The entire score was composed by Philip Glass. Here is the piece entitled, "Morning Passages:"



The final two pieces are from the films "Notes On a Scandal" and "Lucky Number Slevin," respectively. The former was, again, composed by Philip Glass and the latter was composed by J. Ralph. They both can be heard in the trailer for "Doubt."

Tender Mercies

My life has been abundant in tender mercies lately, and I feel like I need to write them down so that I'll never forget them. In fact, I did start to forget some of the details when a friend started chatting with me on Facebook asking me about my status update (it had read, "Drew Stelter feels so blessed and happy right now that he just wants to hug everyone!"). I'm glad he did, because it forced me to talk about my experiences and keep them in my memory so that I could write a post about them. Now, isn't that a tender mercy in and of itself?! ;)

It all started on the third of April, when Iowa legalized gay marriage. I could not believe it! I just could not understand; wasn't the nation supposed to follow in California's footsteps? How could this happen so soon after we had lost the Proposition 8 battle? It was purely amazing, and it lifted my heart.

Then, on the seventh of April, my Adolescent Psychology course was discussing Human Sexuality. We discussed Restrictice, Semi-Restrictive, and Permissive Societies, changes over time, and gender attitudes towards sex. As I was sitting in class, I desperately wanted to ask the question, "Do all of these statistics and trends we're discussing apply equally to heterosexuals and homosexuals?" but I didn't. However, the last half hour of class was spent discussing "Sexual Minority Youth." My professor was so respectful and protective of the classroom environment at this time, and I felt safe to express my opinions (although people in my course do not know that I'm gay. How would they know?). I shot my professor a quick but thoughtful email expressing my gratitude for her actions that day.

After returning from my courses, I quickly browsed the internet before heading home (to accompany my best friend and his family to the MTC; he is serving a mission in the Phillippines). To my surprise, the headlines stated that Vermont had just legalized gay marriage. When I first saw the headline, I started to tear up. I exerted some behavioral control (although my mind was going absolutely wild) and read the news stories about it on several sites. Again, how could this happen so soon after Proposition 8? What does this mean for the rest of the country? This time it was a unanimous decision by the legislature - that had never happened before! I smiled as I realized that the argument of "judicial activism" just had a HUGE hole blown through it, even though Iowa had legalized gay marriage through the courts. And so soon after Iowa?! I couldn't believe that the headline I was reading was real.

Suffice it to say that I spent more time on the internet than I would have liked, although it was a special occasion, wouldn't you think? ;)

My mix CD playing through the car stereo as I exited Sardine Canyon, I started to think about what day my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on, wanting to do something to celebrate this important day. I tried to think it through in my head but I couldn't figure it out. So I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and looked at it's calendar: my one-month "coming out" anniversary would fall on Easter! I started to tear up at this realization. Immediately, I took it as a validation that my "coming out" was indeed directed by my Heavenly Father and that this was His way of winking at me. Then He reminded me of His love for me: the moment I realized that Easter was the date of my one-month anniversary, the song that was playing through my stereo ended and a new song started: "He Loves Me" by Hilary Weeks. If the realization was a wink, then this was a big, fat bear hug! I lost it at this moment; it wasn't until I reached at least Ogden that the flow of my tears trickled off. What's more is that I had been praying for a while to have a good cry - and I was glad that my cry consisted of happy, not sad, tears. (I will blog about my Easter experience in a later post, as the "fallout" is still happening.)

That night, I decided to read my Patriarchal Blessing (PB). This was important to me because I had meant to read it the last time I was at home and I had forgotten to do it. So I was making a conscious effort. I'm sure you all have had similar experiences where you read your PB for the first time in months (maybe even years) and something in it has attained new meaning since the last time you had read it. This is what happened to me. I will share a brief part of my PB (paraphrasing), as it is important to the rest of the story. It stated that I "will have a special family here in mortality." That statement got me to thinking, "Will my temporal family here on Earth be different from my eternal family after the Judgment? Who will be in this special family with me? What will it look like?" Whatever the answer was, I decided that the word special just had to mean unconventional... What else could it mean?

The next day, I accompanied my best friend and his family to the Provo MTC. His family had a surprise waiting for them when they walked through the door: his mom's sister-in-law and her son (my best friend's cousin), whom they had not seen in twelve years, were in the forum of the MTC; his cousin was entering the MTC the same exact day he was! Anyway, my best friend's mom was introducing everybody, obviously, as nobody looked the same as they had twelve years earlier. When she got to me, she introduced me as, "...Drew, Jason's best friend. But we consider him family; he is my son, too!" Then she turned to me and said, "Isn't that true Drew? Your mom can share!" Later, after we left the MTC, I was able to have a private conversation with her because Jason's brother had taken a ride with his grandmother. She told me that she didn't mind that I'm not serving a mission (as I am "out" to Jason and he told her not to bug me about going). She also talked about how grateful she was for my friendship with Jason, how grateful she was that I treated Jason's little brother well. She also reaffirmed to me that she thought of me as family. Indeed, when we arrived at Jason's grandmother's house, they all treated me like family.

As we left Jason's grandmother's house, we drove past this absolutely huge mansion. It had a sidewalk paved in its front and back yards so a golf-cart could be driven on a smoot surface! It was incredible, and it rivals (maybe even dwarves) the houses on Walker Lane. His grandmother told me that Bruce Bastian used to live there, but that since he became divorced his wife now resides there. (Before this had all happened, I attended Scott's party for the first time in March. To my surprise, he lives literally ten houses down from the house I grew up in as a child! What a small world!) I had a smirk on my face as I drove past that house, grateful that the man who used to live there had donated $1,000,000 to defeat Proposition 8. What a small world it is!

When we had arrived at Jason's home and were all settled inside, his grandmother gave me a stern look. "Now, Drew, just because Jason is on his mission doesn't mean that you can't talk to me anymore! I want you to call me the next time you are in Salt Lake and come visit me." I replied that I didn't have her number and she said, "Well, pull out your phone and I will give it to you!" Then, Jason's mom walked in and Jason's grandmother commented, "Drew knows what he's got to do, now." His mom asked, "What is that?" And Jason's grandmother looked at me and said, "He'll tell you." So I told her.

This whole experience got me to thinking about whether or not Jason's family could be my special family. I though, "How could they not be? I read my PB last night and the mention of my family is one of two things that popped out to me. And then I hear these comments today? Yeah, something's here." But I also got to thinking that, "...maybe my MoHo family could be my family. These are the people who really understand me, who really know what I'm going through, who don't tell me that I'm going to Hell." Right now, I do not know which of these is my special family, but it doesn't really matter. After all, if my family is supposed to be unconventional, then why can't I have two? ;)

The next day was also a great day in my Adolescent Psychology course. The University's GLBT Student Services office provides GLBT Panels for professors that request them, and my awesome professor requested one, so the entire hour-and-a-half period was spent listening to two gay men, one lesbian, and two bisexual women talk about their stories and experiences in this world - and all but one had been brought up LDS. I so desperately wanted to get up there and join them (after all, it was very informal - they would've let me) but I figured that there was a time and a place for these types of things, and that it was my time to listen. It was all very educational, and I learned a lot about myself through their experiences. The one thing that stuck out to me was something they called, "Queer Bounce." Apparently, Queer Bounce occurs after someone "comes out," and is described by his or her fulfilling the stereotypes that he or she sees in society. It is basically a rebellion stage where an individual totally loses the values and morals he had because he has felt repressed/oppressed from expression his true self. It is called a "bounce" because the individual eventually returns to the same values and morals he once had, although he has since integrated the characteristics of his "new" self. I have noticed some of that appearing in myself, and I so pray that I maintain my dignity and respect. I do not want to be that type of person. But at the same time, I understand that it is a relatively natural and universal occurrence and should be expected in some capacity and form. Sigh.

I am so thankful for these tender mercies in my life. They were great reminders to me of His unconditional love, and that he works through all people and all things to bring about his plan. I just read Scott's newest post and am grateful that the Lord has been helping him as well - in fact, He helps each and every one of us. We just have to look - He is there.

Transitions and Why I Give Myself the Benefit of the Doubt

I have had a lot of closure in my life as of late. I came out on Facebook two weeks ago, I have basically moved out of my family's home, I have a job interview tomorrow that I am almost sure will secure me employment, and today was my last scheduled OCD therapy session.

Of course, some of these "closures" have opened up new opportunities that have given me new experiences; I feel like I am transitioning to something new every day, and I feel like I am not succeeding as much as I'd like. I feel like the Angels in Angels in America, who come to Earth to tell the human race that they are always constantly moving and changing, and that sometimes all that is needed is constancy and static; sometimes change is not good.

I don't mean to imply that I am not liking all these changes; on the contrary, most of them are welcome, although not all of them are easy. And despite most of them being welcome, that doesn't make them any more tolerable. It's just that I feel like all of these changes are happening to fast.

Oddly, though, I know for each and every one of these changes that now is the right time. I feel like God is guiding me and directing me; I look back at all the times I was frustrated when I didn't get a job after an interview; at all the times when I wanted to "come out" but someone or something held me back; at all the times when I didn't understand why I should go to USU when I had a better scholarship somewhere else; and see that I was being guided yet didn't know it at these times.

Looking back and realizing when and how I was guided has increased my testimony and my faith in His timing.

Of course, it is presumptuous to think that the job I am interviewing for tomorrow is mine. But I feel as though things will work out: if I get it, then great! And if I don't, then great! I know that His will is all that matters at this point, and that I just have to trust it. Trust Him.


To add more thoughts on my experience with OCD therapy...

I can't believe that the eight weeks are over! Before starting the therapy, I completed a three hour intake assessment. Following that, I received weekly treatment for eight weeks. And today, I completed the outtake assessment.

Completing the outtake assessment has opened my eyes to exactly how much improvement I have made in controlling my thoughts (obsessions) and actions (compulsions). During the outtake today, the person doing my assessment had my intake notes to guide her in the outtake process. Basically, she only asked me the questions that related to specific obsessions and compulsions that I had responded to at the intake. Honestly, I had forgotten how much this controlled my life. She was asking me questions about obsessions and compulsions that were a real part of my life before therapy but now seem foreign. In fact, they seemed foreign enough that sometimes I didn't even remember that they had ever existed!

This is so exciting to me! Now, I still have some bad days when I can't seem to control my obsessions or compulsions, but that's okay. Part of the therapy is facing the fact that real people have anxiety (obsessions) over things; in other words, OCD has no cure because if the definition were "no anxious thoughts" then everyone would have OCD. The best way to "cure" OCD is to train a person's mind to realize that it is okay to feel anxiety, but giving anxious thoughts too much credence will make them grow in number and frequency. Oddly enough, making a conscious effort to battle OCD actually makes the situation worse; the best way to "fight" OCD is to actually not fight at all. Another lesson that I learned was that anxiety fluctuates continually due to many factors: age, season, situations one faces or experiences, etc... Sometimes to have intense anxiety is perfectly normal and okay (such as in response to the death of a loved one).

I feel like a new person! Although I am still diagnosed as having OCD, it is currently in a mild state as compared to what it was eight weeks ago. For the longest time I couldn't comprehend why the Lord told me (through prayer) that I must go to USU; I had a better scholarship at another school, it is more expensive for me to live away from home, and it is quite inconvenient in so many ways. However, walking out of my seventh session it just hit me: I am here because I needed to receive this treatment. And what was the cherry on top? It was free!

The lessons I've learned have generalized to other areas of my life. I used to feel so frustrated with myself for having gay feelings and for being interested in gay-oriented movies, books, and topics. It used to cause me to experience so much discomfort, and I thought that it was because having these feelings and being interested in these things were inherently immoral. But now I know better. Of course I am going to be interested in these things: I am gay, after all! Wanting to watch Brokeback Mountain is a natural reaction for a gay individual from any background. It is no more surprising or immoral for a straight individual to have a desire to watch The Notebook or to read the book of the same name.

In short, the lessons I've learned from my OCD therapy experience actually helped me to give myself some credit. Honestly, before OCD therapy I thought that giving myself the benefit of the doubt would be a cop-out. I didn't like the idea because it made me feel as though I was weak and needed to rationalize what I was thinking or doing in order to make myself feel better. But now I know that people need to give themselves the benefit of the doubt sometimes just to keep themselves from exploding!

Interestingly, this concept relates to the Atonement. Realizing that we are not perfect (giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt) makes use of the Atonement because we are demonstrating to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that we know we are not perfect, that we know we need help, and that not only do we have knowledge of the Atonement, but that we have enough faith in it to put it to use in our lives. After all, it is only He that can heal our wounds and truly make us whole. And the shortcomings that fall through the cracks when we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt (which has a prerequisite of trying to meet Him halfway) will be forgiven if and when we pass our burdens and trials over to Him with faith.

"Everything"

I recently made a playlist for my drives between Logan and West Jordan because the radio starts to break up when I enter Sardine Canyon. It has eighteen songs; some are soft, some are loud, and some are instrumental. After listening to this playlist at least four times, I am sure that I have found a new favorite song: "Everything" by Lifehouse. If you haven't heard this song before (or even if you have), then you need to sit down in a quiet, private place and listen to all of its six minutes. Even though I am not active in the Church anymore, I know that God exists and that Jesus Christ is my Savior. They love me no matter what because their love is, and always will be, unconditional. This song expresses how I feel about my relationship with them better than I ever could:



Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You

You are The Light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace... again

You are The Strength
That keeps me walking
You are The Hope
That keeps me trusting

You are The Light
Into my soul
You are My Purpose
You're Everything

And how I can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?
Yeah...

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands
You won't let me fall

You still my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in?
Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better... any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Finally... Peace

I had a spiritual experience the other night that was purely amazing, and I feel confident in what I was blessed with and how my prayers were answered.

The other night I felt this urge to go to Denny's by myself and ponder about my life, my choices, my future, etc... I pulled into the parking lot and said a prayer, asking Heavenly Father if He would please bring those things to my mind that I should be pondering, to guide my thinking, to make things clearer to me, and to bring me some closure, some peace of mind.

As I was sitting in the restaurant (at 2/2:30 a.m.) the moment hit me like a rock. I was supposed to be here on this day, in this restaurant, at this time. I felt peaceful, loved and cared for by Him. My heart was full with joy and gratitude because He was reminding me of all the blessings I had received throughout my life, despite the trials and hardships I had endured.

When I got home, I thought that the moment was over; it wasn't. I wanted to listen to my iPod as I fell asleep, something I usually do, but I just felt that doing that on this night was not right. As I was in my room I felt the urge to pick up an LDS quote book and read the quotes selected for Friday and Saturday: "Covenants and Oaths" & "Preserve Your Divine Heritage." After that, I noticed The Secret placed on my nightstand; I picked it up also, flipping to a random page. The page I flipped to described the trials of a gay man and how he used "The Secret" to be happy and positive:

"His whole life changed because he changed from focusing on what he did not want, what he was afraid of, what he wanted to avoid, to focusing on what he did want."

I again flipped the page randomly and the following was written:

"If you do just a little research, it is going to become evident to you that anyone that ever accomplished anything, did not know how they were going to do it. They only knew they were going to do it."

I flipped the page randomly for the last time and the following was written:

"Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive - Matthew 21:22" (emphasis added)

I knew that I was meant to see those three passages at that exact moment, and I was grateful that he was guiding me in my pondering.

I got into bed and laid down on my back and prayed once more. It was the most amazing moment I have ever experienced. I realized that I had been following The Secret principles throughout the night: I wanted peace and to be guided, so I prayed for peace, to be guided - and I experienced a feeling of peace, and I was being guided by Him.

I did not decide what to pray about; rather I listened for the promptings as to what I should pray about. After a few stumped moments I felt that I had three specific people that I needed to forgive, that I needed to address them through prayer; it was weird because I didn't even think about who they might be: I knew exactly who these three people were. I proceeded to address these people as if I was talking directly to them. I told them I was sorry for them because of _____. I told them how I am choosing to forgive them for what they did (or neglected to do). That healing experience was something I never could have done by myself, and the fact that it finally happened was an answer to a prayer; He knew that it was time to heal.

I prayed about how I was saddened that the three out of four people in my family who have died have all been those who I was really close to: my great Aunt and both of my grandmothers. (My great Aunt Norma lived her life solo, something that I may have to go through, and can't even imagine at this moment. My Grandma Christensen was fairly independent. She told people exactly what she felt, but at the same time being someone who knows how hard life is. She went through her own trials, and would certainly admit that she wasn't perfect. My mom has told me that she knows only two people who would go to the movies by themselves: me and my Grandma Christensen. I grew closer to my Grandma Stelter as I got older. I got her hooked on Lost and me and her were avid supporters of Barack Obama (although she lamented Hillary Clinton's loss)). At that moment, something changed. I look back and realize that subconsciously I knew that something was odd. I leaned up and looked around the room more than once, but I could not see anyone or hear anything. However, I knew that there was a different spirit in the room; my room had literally transformed into a Holy Place. I felt as though everything that was happening in the world was going on in my room. It was so surreal. I was reliving the last moment I had with my Grandma Stelter, and I was blessed that she had remembered my name, her relationship to me, and what I was doing in life; days later she would die. A connection existed between us the other night that I cannot deny. It was testified to me that she still knew who I was; she knew what was going on right now in my life; she knew the choices I've made and the choices I face. She testified to me that I was not alone - that she was with me and wanted me to be happy.

Later during my prayer, relating to the quotes above, it was testified to me that whatever happens, I was going to be happy. I didn't know how I was going to be happy, how I was going to find that happiness, all I knew is that I was going to be happy. I didn't know what that happiness entailed, all I knew is that I was going to be happy.

The only thing that left me confused was something that I know was testified to me; why I am confused is because I'm wondering why something like that would be testified to me. It was testified to me that at this time in my life, the Church is doing me more harm than good; that I am not meant to be involved with it at this time. I know that it does not mean an abandonment of Gospel principles, but rather an involvement with the Church. I know that this was testified to me. And yet, at the same time, it was testified to me that I am going to be happy. I didn't know what that entailed, how it was going to come about; all I knew was that I was going to be happy. Both of these things were testified unto me. Whatever the contradiction, I know that He will guide me and it will all work out.

I finished by asking the Lord to bless me with peace, completeness, and wholeness, and I trusted that it would come; I behaved as though I had already received it. And I did receive it from Him.

When I woke up the next day I was no longer angry about most of the things I was angry about before this experience. The past no longer mattered to me. I read the news headlines without any anger. I thought about anger-producing things and I felt no anger. I was peaceful and content.

And yet again, the next night (last night) I felt the prompting to pray again, that the prayer the night before went incomplete. I laid in bed wondering what could possibly be left to say, as I had felt amazing things the night before and all felt right to me. I felt the prompting that there was one more person that I needed to forgive, that I had neglected to forgive this person the night before. I tried to think about who this person was, but I could not place a finger on it. It was in stark contrast to the night before, where I had immediately known who the three specific people were that I needed to forgive. But the Lord let me know that the person I still needed to forgive was myself. I asked the Lord to guide my thoughts to the things that I needed to forgive about myself, and He let me know. I accepted the things about my past; I accepted that fact that I had no control over my past, that I could not re-write history; I accepted all the trials that I've gone through, and was grateful for how they changed me; I accepted my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and realized that they are not deficits in my person. And most of all, I accepted the fact that I am a Beautiful Creature of value and worth; that I am a Child, even a Son, of God, and that God's love is unconditional and He will always have love for me.

I wish I could relive the past two days over and over and over again. It sounds cliche, but I feel totally comfortable dying now; I trust Him and trust His plan for me. I can't see the big picture like He can, but I know that if I trust Him, then I can experience those things that He wants me to experience, and for my betterment.

I really don't know what is going to happen next, but I welcome it because I trust His promise that I am going to be happy.

After reading this, please do what He tells you to do, what He prompts you to do. Trust him.

Let Me See Your OSCAR Talk!

I went to the AMC Best Picture Showcase yesterday and saw all five Best Picture-nominated films. When I told my friends and family that I was going to do this they either told me that I was crazy or that they were happy because, as my best friend commented, "This is tailor-made for you."

It was fun and I won three prizes, which they gave out during the breaks between the movie for correctly answering Oscar trivia. I received a Milk-themed t-shirt, a calendar, and a full-size poster of The Wrestler. They gave us a large popcorn with free refills all day long, as well as allowing outside food and drink. Luckily, there was a Costa Vida next door!

I saw the films in the above order: Milk started at 10:30 a.m. and Frost/Nixon didn't get over until 11:45 p.m.!

I have to say that I am confused by the film awards season this year: some films that should be nominated aren't; some films that are nominated aren't getting the attention they deserve; and an actress is nominated in the wrong category.

I desperately wanted Milk to be "the film" of the year, much as Brokeback Mountain was "the film" of the year a couple of years ago; I wanted it to be great; it wasn't. Although I do have to admit that it was better upon a second viewing. To me, it felt like it was on a small scale; it localized gay-rights issues instead of focusing on, perhaps, a national movement or event (like Prop. 8). I do know that it was a true story and so the small-scale feeling of the film wasn't under the director's control. But I do have to say that it felt like more of a documentary than a narrative. Even more, Sean Penn's portrayal, while good, is nothing special (he will win the Best Actor Oscar anyway).

The Reader has been accused of stealing the fifth Best Picture nominations slot from The Dark Knight; nothing could be further from the truth. The Reader is a great story. However, I have to say that Kate Winslet does not deserve to win Best Actress for two reasons: 1) she plays a supporting role, and 2) she's had much more worthy performances. I am actually shocked that she did not win the Best Actress Oscar for her role in Little Children a couple of years ago (which also deserved a Best Picture nomination).

If any movie stole anything, it is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I have to admit that this film was absolutely beautiful: great cinematography, great special effects, great art direction. However, the film was too long by at least 45 minutes! A great deal of time was wasted on tangent plot lines that didn't add much to the film. Brad Pitt (who doesn't deserve his Best Actor nomination) and Cate Blanchett have absolutely no chemistry together. The most tiring thing about the movie was Benjamin's and Daisy's relationship: she wants to sleep with him but he says no; he visits her in New York City but she now has a boyfriend; she comes back to him and they have a baby; he decides to abandon his family; then he comes back but she has a new husband. This is bland melodrama and it doesn't make sense.

Slumdog Millionaire wasn't what I was expecting at all: it was violent and moody, yet joyful and full of love. I found myself rooting for Jamal and wanted him and Latika to end up together. The twists and turns in the end are what makes the film worth the journey (I won't spoil anything). Dev Patel, who plays Jamal, deserves a Best Supporting Actor nomination.

Frost/Nixon is nominated for four major awards (Picture, Director, Actor, Adapted Screenplay) yet is receiving little attention. This is unfortunate because this film is so intense and satisfies the audience. Frank Langella deserves to win the Best Actor prize.

I would rank the Best Picture nominees in this order, from Best to Worst:

1) Frost/Nixon, 2) The Reader, 3) Slumdog Millionaire, 4) Milk, 5) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

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If I could make my own Best Picture list, it would look something like this:

Doubt is the best film I've seen this past year. Meryl Streep deserves to win her third Oscar for her performance in this film. It is a film entirely driven by its performances; one weak actor would ruin the entire film. It's a great thing, then, that all four of its major players received acting nominations. Furthermore, Amy Adams deserves to win the Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance in this film as well. This movie makes you think; the ending is ambiguous and is left up to the audience member to decide for himself. If you haven't seen this movie - GO SEE IT!

Just about everybody and their dogs have seen The Dark Knight, which was snubbed for just about everything! It should've been nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and many more. Heath Ledger is a lock for Best Supporting Actor, and deservedly so.

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Now for my predictions.

Best Picture and Best Director

WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire; Although I have heard of late that the recent Prop. 8 controversy may play a role in an upset; some are predicting that Milk will walk away with one or both of the awards as a political statement. I doubt that.

SHOULD WIN: Frost/Nixon or The Reader

Best Actor

WILL WIN: Sean Penn (Milk) - (his win will be the political statement hypothesized above).

SHOULD WIN: Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)

Best Actress

WILL WIN: Kate Winslet (The Reader)

SHOULD WIN: Meryl Streep (Doubt); some have predicted an upset in this category, although it is very unlikely.

Best Supporting Actor

WILL/SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)

Best Supprting Actress

WILL WIN: I'm going out on a limb here, as this is the most wide-open race: Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button). Although Penelope Cruz has swept earlier awards for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Henson will win because she is the only actress who is in a Best Picture-nominated film.

SHOULD WIN: Amy Adams (Doubt)

Chris Buttars Can Kiss My Ass! (and More Opinions)

NOTE: In the past I have refrained from criticizing the Church and specific individuals because I had always thought that those actions are unbecoming of an ethical human being. However, due to recent events discussed below, I cannot remain silent anymore; I have an obligation to speak out. I need to release these feelings.

I've been patient. I've given my fellow Utahns and its legislative leaders the benefit of the doubt. I was naive.

Even after the Church specifically named certain rights that it believes gays and gay couples should receive; after Equality Utah and a few legislators drafted bills based on the specific rights mentioned by the Church - they did nothing. And by they, I mean the legislators AND the Church.

Recently, the Church has been fairly involved in legislation regarding immigration issues and liquor laws; why would the Church not issue another statement backing the Common Ground Initiative? Don't tell me it's because the Church is "neutral;" it clearly is not. (This is discussed later).

If the Church had issued another statement endorsing the Common Ground Initiative, then the legislators on Capitol Hill would have been clamoring over each other to sponsor the bills, inevitably making some contrived public statement that he/she has always supported the rights in the Common Ground Initiative.

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As for Senator Chris Buttars: You are a sorry excuse for a man and a disgrace to all Mormons and Utahns. I have morals you son-of-a-bitch. Who do you think you are? As far as I am concerned, you can suck it.

I hope you get cancer.

Furthermore, your claims that Reed Cowan "assured [you] that he would treat both sides of the issue fairly and that [you] would be treated fairly... and told [you] that the interview would be made public in about a year and [you] would be allowed to see his work and approve [your] part before he released it" are blatant lies.

You signed a release form. You never asked for your statements to be taken off-the-record. To "take [Reed] at his word" is incomprehensible given the fact that you have a penchant for being scrutinized in the media because you make inflammatory statements. Dumbass.

The sad fact is, you were re-elected after you made racist comments on the Senate floor. Your constituents agree with what you have to say.

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Utahns, especially Mormons, can't have it both ways. Mormons claim that it is unfair to blame them for the passage of Proposition 8, given that they make up only 2% of the California electorate. But they donated at least 40% of the money used to promote its passage. I dare say that without all the financial resources Mormons provided to Pro-Proposition 8 organizations, the Proposition wouldn't have passed.

Mormons are willing to take all the credit for its passage; case in point: a recent comment in Elders' Quorum by a Californian visiting a relative in my ward claimed that very fact: without the Mormons, Proposition 8 wouldn't have passed. However, when people started protesting the Church; when people specifically targeted Utah for boycotts; when churches were vandalized - Mormons were (and still are) quick to cry afoul, asking, "What did I ever do to you?" You can't have your cake and eat it too!

There is a genuine disconnect in the communication between Mormons and the "other side." Mormons perceive that the "other side" objects to them voting their consciences; voting based on their moral, even religious, beliefs. NEWSFLASH: That is not what the "other side" objects to. It objects to the fact that Church leaders issued conflicting statements: one regarding alleged political neutrality and another specifically asking Mormons to donate of their time and means to the passage of Proposition 8.

But then another genuine disconnect is encountered: Mormons say that Proposition 8 was not a political issue but, rather, a moral issue. With the "other side" claiming otherwise, this specific disconnect is the root of the problem: neither side will budge on on the "moral/political" nature of this issue - and until one does (which will never happen), healing on both sides will never take place.

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Another irony: one of the arguments used back in 2004 in promoting the passage of Amendment 3 (which defined marriage as between one man and one woman) was that, essentially, nothing could be legally equated to marriage; there was one definition and one definition only. However, the argument used against the passage of the five bills in the Common Ground Initiative was that of a "slippery slope" to the point that gay marriage will slowly and eventually be established in the State of Utah...

My question is this: if that is the argument, then why the hell was the passage of Amendment 3 so important? Amendment 3 was supposedly untouchable - after all, it is now a part of the Utah Constitution. The fact is, because Amendment 3 is now a part of the Utah Constitution, the "slippery slope" argument holds no weight; if a proposed state bill conflicts with the Utah Constitution, then that bill is, by definition, unconstitutional, and that bill will never pass. Do you, Gayle Ruzicka, and you, Chris Buttars, and all you other legislators have so little faith in your state's Constitution that you would be threatened by a bill that would make hiring/firing an employee on the basis of sexual orientation (gay or straight) illegal? Really?! Really?!

Furthermore, the five bills in the Common Ground Initiative never discussed gay marriage or civil unions. The bills outlined medical, legal, and property rights as well as discrimination protections and were offered on an a la carte basis. Failure of their passage contradicts Mormons' claims that they don't hate gays and are just opposed to a redefinition of marriage. (And I can legitimately say "Mormons" and not "legislators" because a full 80% of Utah's legislators are LDS).

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The fact is this: Proposition 8 passed. Fine. Later, the Church issued a statement naming specifically six types of gay rights that it supports. You did not pass one of them.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If the Church was right about Proposition 8 then it was right about the Common Ground Initiative.

And, once again, just for kicks: Chris Buttars - you can Kiss My Ass!

Coming Out... For a Different Reason

I'm pretty sure that no one reads my posts. And anyone who did read them before I stopped posting for the past two months (almost three) is probably long gone. But part of why I have a blog is for me as well. It has a cathartic motive behind it; you know, writing your feelings down to get them out of your head! However, if you are reading this right now, please keep reading. It's for you as well.

I'm "coming out," but with something other than my sexual orientation...

I belong to another subgroup of the American population. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. (OCD), as do 4.3 million adults and children in this country. And like any other mental illness, it gets stereotyped (think Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets," or Tony Shalhoub's character in "Monk"). However, it presents itself in many different forms; it is expressed externally as well as internally.

I don't have issues with cleanliness; I don't need to open and close the door five times before I can walk into a room; I do not hoard items.

Those are all external expressions of OCD.

My expressions are internal: I count things.

To be more specific, I count words. I count them over and over and over again. I can't stop. If I ever have a break from my counting "duties" during the day it would last, at best, 1-2 hours. Heck, it has become so much of a habit that I can count while doing almost anything. But it wears me out beyond the breaking point.

If someone had control of my mind and wouldn't allow me to count I would go certifiably nuts. It would be unbearable! One of the worst things that someone could do to torture me.

As you can see, this is a HUGE problem!

I have "come out" to you with this because in addition to struggling with my sexual orientation, I want people to know that I struggle with this issue in my life as well. I know that everyone has the issues that they struggle with, and this is just another one of mine.

The following is something I wrote earlier today to express my feelings about my OCD:

"Struggling with my obsessions has cost me too much!

The first thing that you took away from me was my ability to read for entertainment. My magazine subscription has all but been wasted because of you. I haven't read a novel of my choice for years because I've been too intimidated to even try.

I can't enjoy the simple things in life because of my obsessions. A quiet drive is never an option for me because you are always annoying me and getting into my head. It's hard to fall asleep sometimes because I feel like I have to appease you first.

Because of you, I beat myself up for trivial things that are really not a big deal; things not worthy of the amount of time and energy I focus on them. God forgives people, even people like me.

You have caused me to become increasingly self-conscious, which has gotten to the point that it's too much of a good thing. I am my own person, and I have the right to love my whole self.

Everything, from hanging with my friends to watching TV to listening to music, has been hard for me because you hog all my attention; my attention span is too short for me to enjoy these things.

The simple, sweet, and very real joy of prayer has been degraded to a ritual because of you. Heavenly Father is more powerful than you. Despite what you tell me, He hears my prayers and understands what I'm trying to say, even if I don't say it quite right.

I am afraid to work in the profession I trained for because of you. It took me 18+ months of hard work, schooling, and training that have already cost me too much. You have conditioned me to doubt my own abilities.

You have cost me mental and physical energy trying to satisfy your demands. I get tired in every way because of you, and I am not able to do the things I want, much less the things I need, because you demand constant attention.

I have begun to question my sanity because of you. I often think of myself as a bad person, a weak person because I can't even control my own thoughts.

You have taken away my agency, to a degree. I can no longer choose to make "today" a good day because I know you will show up to ruin it. You have overstepped your boundaries. And I'm sick of it! You have no right.

I have tried several things over the last 7 years to get rid of you:

"Flooding" myself with words has not drown out you influence.

Attempts to keep my thoughts racing in order to stop myself from focusing on one word for too long have failed.

I've tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I have power over you; that I have the will-power to push you out.

I've prayed to Heavenly Father many times to help me get rid of you, but you're still here.

Medicating myself with prescription drugs and going to see therapy have also been options I have taken a stab at, but even those costly methods have seen your presence remain in my life."

The link above will take you to WebMD, where you can learn more about this issue. I have told you about my compulsions, the behaviors I perform to get rid of my anxieties, but I will not tell you about my obsessions, which are the anxieties I experience. They are too personal. However, as you have probably guessed, some, but very few, surprisingly, have to do with my sexual orientation.

PLEASE browse the WebMD OCD website to educate yourself about this illness!

Why I Voted for Barack Obama

Barack Obama has been elected to be the 44th President of the United States. Wow! I woke up today and felt so happy that America got it right. The fact that he happened to be African-American was just a plus; he exemplifies common sense, something that George W. Bush can't even say! I will explain why I voted for him.

FACT: The number one reason why Barack Obama got my vote was because of his proposed tax policies. Now, I also happen to know that this is one of the top reasons why some people voted against him, but that's because they didn't fully understand his policies. Every individual making more than $250,000 annually will see a tax increase; every individual making less than $250,000 will see his or her taxes at or below George W. Bush era levels.

ANALYSIS: For the past eight years, we have seen the biggest tax cuts in decades go to Fortune 500 companies (which includes some oil companies), their respective CEOs, and the top one percent of wealthy Americans. These companies are pulling in record profits; Chevron just reported its biggest quarterly earnings in its 129-year history last week, and we are in a recession!

John McCain mentioned in the last debate that America has one of the highest corporate tax rates in the world. However, a study by the United States Congress released a few months ago reported that two-thirds of all American companies do not pay taxes due to loopholes in the system.

Barack Obama was criticized for saying he wanted to "spread the wealth." In my opinion, he should have said that he wanted to "bring back some balance." The middle class has been ignored for the past eight years; it's our turn now! The majority of McCain supporters I've talked to say that they would never vote for Barack Obama because he will "raise our taxes." My question to them is this: "Do you make over $250,000 annually?"

I rest my case.

FACT: Barack Obama favors universal healthcare; Republicans call this "Socialism." John McCain's solution to the problem is to give uninsured families a $5,000 tax credit to pay for market-based insurance. Also, members of the United States Congress get taxpayer-funded healthcare through the Federal Employees Health Benefits Program (FEHBP).

ANALYSIS: According to the National Coalition on Health Care, the average cost for annual health insurance for a family of four in 2007 was $12,100. Sorry, John McCain, but your plan isn't going to cut it!

However, I don't think that Barack Obama's solution should be the first approach...

While taking classes for my Surgical Technology major, I and my classmates learned that in America there are no price caps for medical supplies, including medications; this is why any hospital in America can, and does, charge patients $5 for one pill of Tylenol. It is not uncommon for medical supply companies to impose mark-ups of 1,000 percent on products. And I know this to be true because I've had experience with it during my clinical rotation as a Surgical Tech...

As a Surgical Technologist, it is my responsibility to open sterile supplies for every procedure onto a sterile back table. Here's the catch: some of these supplies may never be used! Because they were opened, however, hospital policy requires the O.R. Nurse to charge the patient for them. That is why it is important for me to know the procedure like the back of my hand, so that I can implement some cost-effectiveness when I open sterile supplies. Another example of unethical charging by hospitals are policies that require the O.R. Nurses to charge the patient for a 50-mL bottle of "local" when only 5-10 mLs were drawn up and used; and because the bottles are multi-use, policies like these allow hospitals to charge five different patients for five bottles of "local" when a total of just one 50-mL bottle of "local" was ever actually used.

Thus, my position on solving the health care crisis is more regulation of these companies through the implementation of price caps. If the cost of healthcare is driven down, it will become more affordable to all.

However, I had to choose the lesser of two evils and I do believe that universal health care is a better solution than a $5,000 tax credit.

The bottom line is that if members of Congress have taxpayer-funded healthcare, and if prisoners in Guantanamo Bay have taxpayer-funded healthcare, then every legal citizen of the United States of America is entitled to taxpayer-funded healthcare. Period.


Don't get me wrong, however. Barack Obama is not perfect; I don't agree with him on everything. For example, I don't support his "pro-choice" position on abortion. And while I support "green" technology, it is often expensive; it should not be a top priority right now, especially when we are in a recession. And I didn't support his vote (and McCain's) for the recent bailout of the banking industry.

The following is a journal entry of mine from January 27th, 2008:

"...The second most recent thing was my 18th birthday on Wednesday, January 23rd. It's supposed to be one of those big, special birthdays but it didn't feel like one. It was just another day. I won't feel the power from it until this November, when I will be able to vote for U.S. President. I've been watching both the Democratic and Republican debates and am pretty pleased with the Democratic candidates. The only Republican candidate I like is Romney. I like him because he is so business savvy and optimistic. His whole record has been turning things around. He did that with the 2002 Winter Olympics here in Salt Lake. If he wins the nomination, I will vote for him. If he doesn't, I will vote for whoever the Democratic nominee is, whether it be Obama or Clinton. Obama is so full of optimism and is truly inspiring. I've heard older Americans talk about him as the next JFK. The only time he is negative is when he responds (and rightly so) to Clinton's attacks. A Romney v. Obama ballot would be so hard for me to handle..."

However, I feel like he understands the plight of the average American trying to make ends meet in 2008. And that is why I voted for Barack Obama.

We welcome you, Mr. President.

High Expectations

I have high expectations for the upcoming week. I just hope that at least one of these expectations is met; maybe next week won't be a total failure. I am cautiously optimistic.

As everybody already knows, the 2008 Presidential Election is just over two days away and the stakes couldn't be higher. To me, the choice for United States President is crystal clear; some of you already know whom I voted for (yes, I voted early), and some of you don't; I will formally post who I voted for and why on Monday.

I also have high expectations for Tuesday night, when I will meet with my therapist for the first time in months. Some recent events in my life have forced me to seek outside help. I will not disclose most of these events here because they are either too personal or involve confidentiality with another person or both. However, I am also meeting with her because I need some help in organizing my thoughts and feelings before I head off to Logan in almost exactly two months. I am both scared and excited to move, and I really need some help.

I have high expectations of myself; I got one bad evaluation last week at PCMC and I need to be a superstar this next week. The evaluation was filled out by one of my preceptors, so it wasn't really official. But I have hope that it will not put a stain on my name because in talking with my Nurse Educator, Sean, he thought that she had been too hard on me because of the difficulty of the cases that day and due to the fact that three other people who had precepted me had filled out evaluations that had directly contradicted what this preceptor had said about me. I'm just crossing my fingers.

There's more that I'm anticipating and that I have high expectations for, but for now I am choosing to not disclose this information. All I can say is that my depression and anxiety are creeping back again; they've been dormant for the past few months and I am dreading their return!

I ask humbly to be remembered in your prayers. Thank you.