"Everything"

I recently made a playlist for my drives between Logan and West Jordan because the radio starts to break up when I enter Sardine Canyon. It has eighteen songs; some are soft, some are loud, and some are instrumental. After listening to this playlist at least four times, I am sure that I have found a new favorite song: "Everything" by Lifehouse. If you haven't heard this song before (or even if you have), then you need to sit down in a quiet, private place and listen to all of its six minutes. Even though I am not active in the Church anymore, I know that God exists and that Jesus Christ is my Savior. They love me no matter what because their love is, and always will be, unconditional. This song expresses how I feel about my relationship with them better than I ever could:



Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You

You are The Light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace... again

You are The Strength
That keeps me walking
You are The Hope
That keeps me trusting

You are The Light
Into my soul
You are My Purpose
You're Everything

And how I can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?
Yeah...

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands
You won't let me fall

You still my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in?
Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

'Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything...
Everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better... any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Finally... Peace

I had a spiritual experience the other night that was purely amazing, and I feel confident in what I was blessed with and how my prayers were answered.

The other night I felt this urge to go to Denny's by myself and ponder about my life, my choices, my future, etc... I pulled into the parking lot and said a prayer, asking Heavenly Father if He would please bring those things to my mind that I should be pondering, to guide my thinking, to make things clearer to me, and to bring me some closure, some peace of mind.

As I was sitting in the restaurant (at 2/2:30 a.m.) the moment hit me like a rock. I was supposed to be here on this day, in this restaurant, at this time. I felt peaceful, loved and cared for by Him. My heart was full with joy and gratitude because He was reminding me of all the blessings I had received throughout my life, despite the trials and hardships I had endured.

When I got home, I thought that the moment was over; it wasn't. I wanted to listen to my iPod as I fell asleep, something I usually do, but I just felt that doing that on this night was not right. As I was in my room I felt the urge to pick up an LDS quote book and read the quotes selected for Friday and Saturday: "Covenants and Oaths" & "Preserve Your Divine Heritage." After that, I noticed The Secret placed on my nightstand; I picked it up also, flipping to a random page. The page I flipped to described the trials of a gay man and how he used "The Secret" to be happy and positive:

"His whole life changed because he changed from focusing on what he did not want, what he was afraid of, what he wanted to avoid, to focusing on what he did want."

I again flipped the page randomly and the following was written:

"If you do just a little research, it is going to become evident to you that anyone that ever accomplished anything, did not know how they were going to do it. They only knew they were going to do it."

I flipped the page randomly for the last time and the following was written:

"Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive - Matthew 21:22" (emphasis added)

I knew that I was meant to see those three passages at that exact moment, and I was grateful that he was guiding me in my pondering.

I got into bed and laid down on my back and prayed once more. It was the most amazing moment I have ever experienced. I realized that I had been following The Secret principles throughout the night: I wanted peace and to be guided, so I prayed for peace, to be guided - and I experienced a feeling of peace, and I was being guided by Him.

I did not decide what to pray about; rather I listened for the promptings as to what I should pray about. After a few stumped moments I felt that I had three specific people that I needed to forgive, that I needed to address them through prayer; it was weird because I didn't even think about who they might be: I knew exactly who these three people were. I proceeded to address these people as if I was talking directly to them. I told them I was sorry for them because of _____. I told them how I am choosing to forgive them for what they did (or neglected to do). That healing experience was something I never could have done by myself, and the fact that it finally happened was an answer to a prayer; He knew that it was time to heal.

I prayed about how I was saddened that the three out of four people in my family who have died have all been those who I was really close to: my great Aunt and both of my grandmothers. (My great Aunt Norma lived her life solo, something that I may have to go through, and can't even imagine at this moment. My Grandma Christensen was fairly independent. She told people exactly what she felt, but at the same time being someone who knows how hard life is. She went through her own trials, and would certainly admit that she wasn't perfect. My mom has told me that she knows only two people who would go to the movies by themselves: me and my Grandma Christensen. I grew closer to my Grandma Stelter as I got older. I got her hooked on Lost and me and her were avid supporters of Barack Obama (although she lamented Hillary Clinton's loss)). At that moment, something changed. I look back and realize that subconsciously I knew that something was odd. I leaned up and looked around the room more than once, but I could not see anyone or hear anything. However, I knew that there was a different spirit in the room; my room had literally transformed into a Holy Place. I felt as though everything that was happening in the world was going on in my room. It was so surreal. I was reliving the last moment I had with my Grandma Stelter, and I was blessed that she had remembered my name, her relationship to me, and what I was doing in life; days later she would die. A connection existed between us the other night that I cannot deny. It was testified to me that she still knew who I was; she knew what was going on right now in my life; she knew the choices I've made and the choices I face. She testified to me that I was not alone - that she was with me and wanted me to be happy.

Later during my prayer, relating to the quotes above, it was testified to me that whatever happens, I was going to be happy. I didn't know how I was going to be happy, how I was going to find that happiness, all I knew is that I was going to be happy. I didn't know what that happiness entailed, all I knew is that I was going to be happy.

The only thing that left me confused was something that I know was testified to me; why I am confused is because I'm wondering why something like that would be testified to me. It was testified to me that at this time in my life, the Church is doing me more harm than good; that I am not meant to be involved with it at this time. I know that it does not mean an abandonment of Gospel principles, but rather an involvement with the Church. I know that this was testified to me. And yet, at the same time, it was testified to me that I am going to be happy. I didn't know what that entailed, how it was going to come about; all I knew was that I was going to be happy. Both of these things were testified unto me. Whatever the contradiction, I know that He will guide me and it will all work out.

I finished by asking the Lord to bless me with peace, completeness, and wholeness, and I trusted that it would come; I behaved as though I had already received it. And I did receive it from Him.

When I woke up the next day I was no longer angry about most of the things I was angry about before this experience. The past no longer mattered to me. I read the news headlines without any anger. I thought about anger-producing things and I felt no anger. I was peaceful and content.

And yet again, the next night (last night) I felt the prompting to pray again, that the prayer the night before went incomplete. I laid in bed wondering what could possibly be left to say, as I had felt amazing things the night before and all felt right to me. I felt the prompting that there was one more person that I needed to forgive, that I had neglected to forgive this person the night before. I tried to think about who this person was, but I could not place a finger on it. It was in stark contrast to the night before, where I had immediately known who the three specific people were that I needed to forgive. But the Lord let me know that the person I still needed to forgive was myself. I asked the Lord to guide my thoughts to the things that I needed to forgive about myself, and He let me know. I accepted the things about my past; I accepted that fact that I had no control over my past, that I could not re-write history; I accepted all the trials that I've gone through, and was grateful for how they changed me; I accepted my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and realized that they are not deficits in my person. And most of all, I accepted the fact that I am a Beautiful Creature of value and worth; that I am a Child, even a Son, of God, and that God's love is unconditional and He will always have love for me.

I wish I could relive the past two days over and over and over again. It sounds cliche, but I feel totally comfortable dying now; I trust Him and trust His plan for me. I can't see the big picture like He can, but I know that if I trust Him, then I can experience those things that He wants me to experience, and for my betterment.

I really don't know what is going to happen next, but I welcome it because I trust His promise that I am going to be happy.

After reading this, please do what He tells you to do, what He prompts you to do. Trust him.

Let Me See Your OSCAR Talk!

I went to the AMC Best Picture Showcase yesterday and saw all five Best Picture-nominated films. When I told my friends and family that I was going to do this they either told me that I was crazy or that they were happy because, as my best friend commented, "This is tailor-made for you."

It was fun and I won three prizes, which they gave out during the breaks between the movie for correctly answering Oscar trivia. I received a Milk-themed t-shirt, a calendar, and a full-size poster of The Wrestler. They gave us a large popcorn with free refills all day long, as well as allowing outside food and drink. Luckily, there was a Costa Vida next door!

I saw the films in the above order: Milk started at 10:30 a.m. and Frost/Nixon didn't get over until 11:45 p.m.!

I have to say that I am confused by the film awards season this year: some films that should be nominated aren't; some films that are nominated aren't getting the attention they deserve; and an actress is nominated in the wrong category.

I desperately wanted Milk to be "the film" of the year, much as Brokeback Mountain was "the film" of the year a couple of years ago; I wanted it to be great; it wasn't. Although I do have to admit that it was better upon a second viewing. To me, it felt like it was on a small scale; it localized gay-rights issues instead of focusing on, perhaps, a national movement or event (like Prop. 8). I do know that it was a true story and so the small-scale feeling of the film wasn't under the director's control. But I do have to say that it felt like more of a documentary than a narrative. Even more, Sean Penn's portrayal, while good, is nothing special (he will win the Best Actor Oscar anyway).

The Reader has been accused of stealing the fifth Best Picture nominations slot from The Dark Knight; nothing could be further from the truth. The Reader is a great story. However, I have to say that Kate Winslet does not deserve to win Best Actress for two reasons: 1) she plays a supporting role, and 2) she's had much more worthy performances. I am actually shocked that she did not win the Best Actress Oscar for her role in Little Children a couple of years ago (which also deserved a Best Picture nomination).

If any movie stole anything, it is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I have to admit that this film was absolutely beautiful: great cinematography, great special effects, great art direction. However, the film was too long by at least 45 minutes! A great deal of time was wasted on tangent plot lines that didn't add much to the film. Brad Pitt (who doesn't deserve his Best Actor nomination) and Cate Blanchett have absolutely no chemistry together. The most tiring thing about the movie was Benjamin's and Daisy's relationship: she wants to sleep with him but he says no; he visits her in New York City but she now has a boyfriend; she comes back to him and they have a baby; he decides to abandon his family; then he comes back but she has a new husband. This is bland melodrama and it doesn't make sense.

Slumdog Millionaire wasn't what I was expecting at all: it was violent and moody, yet joyful and full of love. I found myself rooting for Jamal and wanted him and Latika to end up together. The twists and turns in the end are what makes the film worth the journey (I won't spoil anything). Dev Patel, who plays Jamal, deserves a Best Supporting Actor nomination.

Frost/Nixon is nominated for four major awards (Picture, Director, Actor, Adapted Screenplay) yet is receiving little attention. This is unfortunate because this film is so intense and satisfies the audience. Frank Langella deserves to win the Best Actor prize.

I would rank the Best Picture nominees in this order, from Best to Worst:

1) Frost/Nixon, 2) The Reader, 3) Slumdog Millionaire, 4) Milk, 5) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

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If I could make my own Best Picture list, it would look something like this:

Doubt is the best film I've seen this past year. Meryl Streep deserves to win her third Oscar for her performance in this film. It is a film entirely driven by its performances; one weak actor would ruin the entire film. It's a great thing, then, that all four of its major players received acting nominations. Furthermore, Amy Adams deserves to win the Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance in this film as well. This movie makes you think; the ending is ambiguous and is left up to the audience member to decide for himself. If you haven't seen this movie - GO SEE IT!

Just about everybody and their dogs have seen The Dark Knight, which was snubbed for just about everything! It should've been nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and many more. Heath Ledger is a lock for Best Supporting Actor, and deservedly so.

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Now for my predictions.

Best Picture and Best Director

WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire; Although I have heard of late that the recent Prop. 8 controversy may play a role in an upset; some are predicting that Milk will walk away with one or both of the awards as a political statement. I doubt that.

SHOULD WIN: Frost/Nixon or The Reader

Best Actor

WILL WIN: Sean Penn (Milk) - (his win will be the political statement hypothesized above).

SHOULD WIN: Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)

Best Actress

WILL WIN: Kate Winslet (The Reader)

SHOULD WIN: Meryl Streep (Doubt); some have predicted an upset in this category, although it is very unlikely.

Best Supporting Actor

WILL/SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)

Best Supprting Actress

WILL WIN: I'm going out on a limb here, as this is the most wide-open race: Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button). Although Penelope Cruz has swept earlier awards for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Henson will win because she is the only actress who is in a Best Picture-nominated film.

SHOULD WIN: Amy Adams (Doubt)

Chris Buttars Can Kiss My Ass! (and More Opinions)

NOTE: In the past I have refrained from criticizing the Church and specific individuals because I had always thought that those actions are unbecoming of an ethical human being. However, due to recent events discussed below, I cannot remain silent anymore; I have an obligation to speak out. I need to release these feelings.

I've been patient. I've given my fellow Utahns and its legislative leaders the benefit of the doubt. I was naive.

Even after the Church specifically named certain rights that it believes gays and gay couples should receive; after Equality Utah and a few legislators drafted bills based on the specific rights mentioned by the Church - they did nothing. And by they, I mean the legislators AND the Church.

Recently, the Church has been fairly involved in legislation regarding immigration issues and liquor laws; why would the Church not issue another statement backing the Common Ground Initiative? Don't tell me it's because the Church is "neutral;" it clearly is not. (This is discussed later).

If the Church had issued another statement endorsing the Common Ground Initiative, then the legislators on Capitol Hill would have been clamoring over each other to sponsor the bills, inevitably making some contrived public statement that he/she has always supported the rights in the Common Ground Initiative.

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As for Senator Chris Buttars: You are a sorry excuse for a man and a disgrace to all Mormons and Utahns. I have morals you son-of-a-bitch. Who do you think you are? As far as I am concerned, you can suck it.

I hope you get cancer.

Furthermore, your claims that Reed Cowan "assured [you] that he would treat both sides of the issue fairly and that [you] would be treated fairly... and told [you] that the interview would be made public in about a year and [you] would be allowed to see his work and approve [your] part before he released it" are blatant lies.

You signed a release form. You never asked for your statements to be taken off-the-record. To "take [Reed] at his word" is incomprehensible given the fact that you have a penchant for being scrutinized in the media because you make inflammatory statements. Dumbass.

The sad fact is, you were re-elected after you made racist comments on the Senate floor. Your constituents agree with what you have to say.

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Utahns, especially Mormons, can't have it both ways. Mormons claim that it is unfair to blame them for the passage of Proposition 8, given that they make up only 2% of the California electorate. But they donated at least 40% of the money used to promote its passage. I dare say that without all the financial resources Mormons provided to Pro-Proposition 8 organizations, the Proposition wouldn't have passed.

Mormons are willing to take all the credit for its passage; case in point: a recent comment in Elders' Quorum by a Californian visiting a relative in my ward claimed that very fact: without the Mormons, Proposition 8 wouldn't have passed. However, when people started protesting the Church; when people specifically targeted Utah for boycotts; when churches were vandalized - Mormons were (and still are) quick to cry afoul, asking, "What did I ever do to you?" You can't have your cake and eat it too!

There is a genuine disconnect in the communication between Mormons and the "other side." Mormons perceive that the "other side" objects to them voting their consciences; voting based on their moral, even religious, beliefs. NEWSFLASH: That is not what the "other side" objects to. It objects to the fact that Church leaders issued conflicting statements: one regarding alleged political neutrality and another specifically asking Mormons to donate of their time and means to the passage of Proposition 8.

But then another genuine disconnect is encountered: Mormons say that Proposition 8 was not a political issue but, rather, a moral issue. With the "other side" claiming otherwise, this specific disconnect is the root of the problem: neither side will budge on on the "moral/political" nature of this issue - and until one does (which will never happen), healing on both sides will never take place.

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Another irony: one of the arguments used back in 2004 in promoting the passage of Amendment 3 (which defined marriage as between one man and one woman) was that, essentially, nothing could be legally equated to marriage; there was one definition and one definition only. However, the argument used against the passage of the five bills in the Common Ground Initiative was that of a "slippery slope" to the point that gay marriage will slowly and eventually be established in the State of Utah...

My question is this: if that is the argument, then why the hell was the passage of Amendment 3 so important? Amendment 3 was supposedly untouchable - after all, it is now a part of the Utah Constitution. The fact is, because Amendment 3 is now a part of the Utah Constitution, the "slippery slope" argument holds no weight; if a proposed state bill conflicts with the Utah Constitution, then that bill is, by definition, unconstitutional, and that bill will never pass. Do you, Gayle Ruzicka, and you, Chris Buttars, and all you other legislators have so little faith in your state's Constitution that you would be threatened by a bill that would make hiring/firing an employee on the basis of sexual orientation (gay or straight) illegal? Really?! Really?!

Furthermore, the five bills in the Common Ground Initiative never discussed gay marriage or civil unions. The bills outlined medical, legal, and property rights as well as discrimination protections and were offered on an a la carte basis. Failure of their passage contradicts Mormons' claims that they don't hate gays and are just opposed to a redefinition of marriage. (And I can legitimately say "Mormons" and not "legislators" because a full 80% of Utah's legislators are LDS).

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The fact is this: Proposition 8 passed. Fine. Later, the Church issued a statement naming specifically six types of gay rights that it supports. You did not pass one of them.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If the Church was right about Proposition 8 then it was right about the Common Ground Initiative.

And, once again, just for kicks: Chris Buttars - you can Kiss My Ass!

Coming Out... For a Different Reason

I'm pretty sure that no one reads my posts. And anyone who did read them before I stopped posting for the past two months (almost three) is probably long gone. But part of why I have a blog is for me as well. It has a cathartic motive behind it; you know, writing your feelings down to get them out of your head! However, if you are reading this right now, please keep reading. It's for you as well.

I'm "coming out," but with something other than my sexual orientation...

I belong to another subgroup of the American population. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. (OCD), as do 4.3 million adults and children in this country. And like any other mental illness, it gets stereotyped (think Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets," or Tony Shalhoub's character in "Monk"). However, it presents itself in many different forms; it is expressed externally as well as internally.

I don't have issues with cleanliness; I don't need to open and close the door five times before I can walk into a room; I do not hoard items.

Those are all external expressions of OCD.

My expressions are internal: I count things.

To be more specific, I count words. I count them over and over and over again. I can't stop. If I ever have a break from my counting "duties" during the day it would last, at best, 1-2 hours. Heck, it has become so much of a habit that I can count while doing almost anything. But it wears me out beyond the breaking point.

If someone had control of my mind and wouldn't allow me to count I would go certifiably nuts. It would be unbearable! One of the worst things that someone could do to torture me.

As you can see, this is a HUGE problem!

I have "come out" to you with this because in addition to struggling with my sexual orientation, I want people to know that I struggle with this issue in my life as well. I know that everyone has the issues that they struggle with, and this is just another one of mine.

The following is something I wrote earlier today to express my feelings about my OCD:

"Struggling with my obsessions has cost me too much!

The first thing that you took away from me was my ability to read for entertainment. My magazine subscription has all but been wasted because of you. I haven't read a novel of my choice for years because I've been too intimidated to even try.

I can't enjoy the simple things in life because of my obsessions. A quiet drive is never an option for me because you are always annoying me and getting into my head. It's hard to fall asleep sometimes because I feel like I have to appease you first.

Because of you, I beat myself up for trivial things that are really not a big deal; things not worthy of the amount of time and energy I focus on them. God forgives people, even people like me.

You have caused me to become increasingly self-conscious, which has gotten to the point that it's too much of a good thing. I am my own person, and I have the right to love my whole self.

Everything, from hanging with my friends to watching TV to listening to music, has been hard for me because you hog all my attention; my attention span is too short for me to enjoy these things.

The simple, sweet, and very real joy of prayer has been degraded to a ritual because of you. Heavenly Father is more powerful than you. Despite what you tell me, He hears my prayers and understands what I'm trying to say, even if I don't say it quite right.

I am afraid to work in the profession I trained for because of you. It took me 18+ months of hard work, schooling, and training that have already cost me too much. You have conditioned me to doubt my own abilities.

You have cost me mental and physical energy trying to satisfy your demands. I get tired in every way because of you, and I am not able to do the things I want, much less the things I need, because you demand constant attention.

I have begun to question my sanity because of you. I often think of myself as a bad person, a weak person because I can't even control my own thoughts.

You have taken away my agency, to a degree. I can no longer choose to make "today" a good day because I know you will show up to ruin it. You have overstepped your boundaries. And I'm sick of it! You have no right.

I have tried several things over the last 7 years to get rid of you:

"Flooding" myself with words has not drown out you influence.

Attempts to keep my thoughts racing in order to stop myself from focusing on one word for too long have failed.

I've tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I have power over you; that I have the will-power to push you out.

I've prayed to Heavenly Father many times to help me get rid of you, but you're still here.

Medicating myself with prescription drugs and going to see therapy have also been options I have taken a stab at, but even those costly methods have seen your presence remain in my life."

The link above will take you to WebMD, where you can learn more about this issue. I have told you about my compulsions, the behaviors I perform to get rid of my anxieties, but I will not tell you about my obsessions, which are the anxieties I experience. They are too personal. However, as you have probably guessed, some, but very few, surprisingly, have to do with my sexual orientation.

PLEASE browse the WebMD OCD website to educate yourself about this illness!

Why I Voted for Barack Obama

Barack Obama has been elected to be the 44th President of the United States. Wow! I woke up today and felt so happy that America got it right. The fact that he happened to be African-American was just a plus; he exemplifies common sense, something that George W. Bush can't even say! I will explain why I voted for him.

FACT: The number one reason why Barack Obama got my vote was because of his proposed tax policies. Now, I also happen to know that this is one of the top reasons why some people voted against him, but that's because they didn't fully understand his policies. Every individual making more than $250,000 annually will see a tax increase; every individual making less than $250,000 will see his or her taxes at or below George W. Bush era levels.

ANALYSIS: For the past eight years, we have seen the biggest tax cuts in decades go to Fortune 500 companies (which includes some oil companies), their respective CEOs, and the top one percent of wealthy Americans. These companies are pulling in record profits; Chevron just reported its biggest quarterly earnings in its 129-year history last week, and we are in a recession!

John McCain mentioned in the last debate that America has one of the highest corporate tax rates in the world. However, a study by the United States Congress released a few months ago reported that two-thirds of all American companies do not pay taxes due to loopholes in the system.

Barack Obama was criticized for saying he wanted to "spread the wealth." In my opinion, he should have said that he wanted to "bring back some balance." The middle class has been ignored for the past eight years; it's our turn now! The majority of McCain supporters I've talked to say that they would never vote for Barack Obama because he will "raise our taxes." My question to them is this: "Do you make over $250,000 annually?"

I rest my case.

FACT: Barack Obama favors universal healthcare; Republicans call this "Socialism." John McCain's solution to the problem is to give uninsured families a $5,000 tax credit to pay for market-based insurance. Also, members of the United States Congress get taxpayer-funded healthcare through the Federal Employees Health Benefits Program (FEHBP).

ANALYSIS: According to the National Coalition on Health Care, the average cost for annual health insurance for a family of four in 2007 was $12,100. Sorry, John McCain, but your plan isn't going to cut it!

However, I don't think that Barack Obama's solution should be the first approach...

While taking classes for my Surgical Technology major, I and my classmates learned that in America there are no price caps for medical supplies, including medications; this is why any hospital in America can, and does, charge patients $5 for one pill of Tylenol. It is not uncommon for medical supply companies to impose mark-ups of 1,000 percent on products. And I know this to be true because I've had experience with it during my clinical rotation as a Surgical Tech...

As a Surgical Technologist, it is my responsibility to open sterile supplies for every procedure onto a sterile back table. Here's the catch: some of these supplies may never be used! Because they were opened, however, hospital policy requires the O.R. Nurse to charge the patient for them. That is why it is important for me to know the procedure like the back of my hand, so that I can implement some cost-effectiveness when I open sterile supplies. Another example of unethical charging by hospitals are policies that require the O.R. Nurses to charge the patient for a 50-mL bottle of "local" when only 5-10 mLs were drawn up and used; and because the bottles are multi-use, policies like these allow hospitals to charge five different patients for five bottles of "local" when a total of just one 50-mL bottle of "local" was ever actually used.

Thus, my position on solving the health care crisis is more regulation of these companies through the implementation of price caps. If the cost of healthcare is driven down, it will become more affordable to all.

However, I had to choose the lesser of two evils and I do believe that universal health care is a better solution than a $5,000 tax credit.

The bottom line is that if members of Congress have taxpayer-funded healthcare, and if prisoners in Guantanamo Bay have taxpayer-funded healthcare, then every legal citizen of the United States of America is entitled to taxpayer-funded healthcare. Period.


Don't get me wrong, however. Barack Obama is not perfect; I don't agree with him on everything. For example, I don't support his "pro-choice" position on abortion. And while I support "green" technology, it is often expensive; it should not be a top priority right now, especially when we are in a recession. And I didn't support his vote (and McCain's) for the recent bailout of the banking industry.

The following is a journal entry of mine from January 27th, 2008:

"...The second most recent thing was my 18th birthday on Wednesday, January 23rd. It's supposed to be one of those big, special birthdays but it didn't feel like one. It was just another day. I won't feel the power from it until this November, when I will be able to vote for U.S. President. I've been watching both the Democratic and Republican debates and am pretty pleased with the Democratic candidates. The only Republican candidate I like is Romney. I like him because he is so business savvy and optimistic. His whole record has been turning things around. He did that with the 2002 Winter Olympics here in Salt Lake. If he wins the nomination, I will vote for him. If he doesn't, I will vote for whoever the Democratic nominee is, whether it be Obama or Clinton. Obama is so full of optimism and is truly inspiring. I've heard older Americans talk about him as the next JFK. The only time he is negative is when he responds (and rightly so) to Clinton's attacks. A Romney v. Obama ballot would be so hard for me to handle..."

However, I feel like he understands the plight of the average American trying to make ends meet in 2008. And that is why I voted for Barack Obama.

We welcome you, Mr. President.

High Expectations

I have high expectations for the upcoming week. I just hope that at least one of these expectations is met; maybe next week won't be a total failure. I am cautiously optimistic.

As everybody already knows, the 2008 Presidential Election is just over two days away and the stakes couldn't be higher. To me, the choice for United States President is crystal clear; some of you already know whom I voted for (yes, I voted early), and some of you don't; I will formally post who I voted for and why on Monday.

I also have high expectations for Tuesday night, when I will meet with my therapist for the first time in months. Some recent events in my life have forced me to seek outside help. I will not disclose most of these events here because they are either too personal or involve confidentiality with another person or both. However, I am also meeting with her because I need some help in organizing my thoughts and feelings before I head off to Logan in almost exactly two months. I am both scared and excited to move, and I really need some help.

I have high expectations of myself; I got one bad evaluation last week at PCMC and I need to be a superstar this next week. The evaluation was filled out by one of my preceptors, so it wasn't really official. But I have hope that it will not put a stain on my name because in talking with my Nurse Educator, Sean, he thought that she had been too hard on me because of the difficulty of the cases that day and due to the fact that three other people who had precepted me had filled out evaluations that had directly contradicted what this preceptor had said about me. I'm just crossing my fingers.

There's more that I'm anticipating and that I have high expectations for, but for now I am choosing to not disclose this information. All I can say is that my depression and anxiety are creeping back again; they've been dormant for the past few months and I am dreading their return!

I ask humbly to be remembered in your prayers. Thank you.

I Know What You Did Last Night!

Last night, I came closer to dying than I ever have before. And it was totally awesome!

I joined my friends Jason and Dallin in going to Asylum 49 in Tooele. Due to some bad directions (no thanks to MapQuest!) we ended up going to Castle of Chaos instead, but the biggest and best scare of my life came while driving on Bacchus Highway while in the process of heading back to New Bingham Highway.

It was about 8:00 p.m. and I was squinting to see the turn lane up ahead to my left. Unbeknownst to me, there was a buck standing in the middle of the road about 100 yards ahead! Well Jason and Dallin saw it but didn't say anything because it was still far enough away and they thought I would go around it. Well 100 yards became 75, and then 50, and at about 100 feet Dallin screamed, "DUDE! What the Hell?!" I swerved to miss the buck and its antlers missed my car by about only five feet! Jason, who was sitting in the middle back seat, was practically laying across mine and Dallin's laps at this point. All of our hearts were beating so fast that you'd thought we had just run a marathon together by listening to us breathe. We all just busted out laughing and decided it was the coolest thing that had ever happened to us. Dallin made the comment that we might as well not go to a haunted house anymore because after this anything would be a letdown. I then joked that, "Oh no it wouldn't. This was just some horror fore.play!" So what was the first thing I did after all of this happened? Well of course I pulled out my cell phone and texted about thirty people that I had almost died and killed my two best friends in the process! It reminded me of I Know What You Did Last Summer when the teenagers hit that fisherman on an isolated road at night. It was pure adrenaline.

However, I know that my Heavenly Father was protecting us in that moment; He sent some guardian angels to protect us from harm. Honestly, my reflex was so fast that it was more than human. It literally reminds me of the Carrie Underwood song, "Jesus, Take the Wheel." I fully recognize His intervention in this situation, and am so grateful that He continues to bless my life knowing that I am so far from perfect it's not even funny. I have renewed my efforts in prayer and continue to try to do the best that I can; after all, isn't that all He asks of each one of us?

As for tonight, Jason, Dallin, and I are going to stay up all night and watch scary movies: House of Wax, The Omen, The Strangers, and Mortuary. The night's gone great so far; we got three free chicken sandwiches from the new Chik-Fil-A in Jordan Landing! And Alyx might come over tonight. Either way, it'll be a great night and I'm sure there'll be moments we'll all remember. After all, Jason is leaving for his mission in January; it's going to be incredibly hard for me because we've been best friends since sixth or seventh grade. But this Halloween has already been one I'll always remember.

My Second Family; "Hands of Sodom"

This past Friday was one of the best days I have ever had in my entire life. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true...

After class on Friday, Neena, Mari, Chase, Alyx, Scott, Zach, and I hung out all day long. We blasted the radio and drove to Salt Lake City. Mari stopped by her work, I turned in my papers and got my badge at PCMC, and then we headed back to Fort Union to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It was the most pointless movie I have ever seen, but that didn't matter to me (even though I am a film buff); I had so much fun with them. I felt so close to them and I feel like we just "get" each other. Politically, we disagree; some of us support McCain and some of us support Obama, but that doesn't matter. We're okay with each other, and diffuse arguments by saying, "Oh that's just (insert name here)." And Neena is a freakin' absolute riot! She will say the funniest things without even blinking an eye. For example, the topic of swearing came up and Neena tried to get Scott to say the f-word. He flat-out refused. She then tried to get him to say the s-word. He flat-out refused again. She decided on a different approach: "Simon says, 'Shit.'" We all busted a gut; it was such a "Neena" thing to say. And then someone brought up a good point: "Wouldn't it be, 'Simon says say 'Shit''? Because 'Simon says, 'Shit'' literally means to take one!" Oh Neena, I love you so much I can't stand it!

After the movie, we chilled for awhile and then drove down Walker Lane. For those of you who don't know, Walker Lane is home to the richest people in Utah (who don't live in Park City). I believe that former Utah Jazz player John Stockton used to live on Walker Lane. Anyway, these homes are far back from the street, hidden by dense trees and high walls, by private lanes with gates. Scott told us about a house on Walker Lane that was supposedly abandoned, so we parked the car and snuck behind the gate to see if it was still empty; we trespassed and were exploring! When we got our first glimpse of the mansion (it looked like plantation house) Neena commented that this was Utah Jazz owner Larry H. Miller's former house. The pool was empty, but the house had furniture in it. We stayed low in the bushes so that no one inside the house could see us, but through the window we saw someone move and we totally booked it out of there! While running, we heard a car starting up and I thought we were going to get caught and arrested. But we weren't. Take that rich people!

We headed up to Salt Lake City again because Mari forgot to do something at work. And by then we were all starving so we ate at the Red Butte Cafe (which is delicious, but overpriced). We had talked earlier about having a "movie night," so we drove back to Fort Union to the Redbox at Wal-Mart and their selection sucked so we drove down the street to Blockbuster. We wanted to rent a movie from the "8 Films" Horrorfest series, but an employee recommended Wolf Creek as the best scary movie they had, so we rented it instead. Back at Neena's house (which she has all to herself for four months because her parents are divorced and her dad is in Iran for business) we chilled on the couch and flipped on the movie. It stank. But, again, it didn't matter. I hadn't hung out with my classmates since June when we graduated high school; this day more than made up for it.

And to boot, I had the opportunity last night to go to a free play with some MoHo buddies at Westminster College entitled Hands of Sodom. It is about Jane, a Mormon teenager who "comes out" to her family twice; the first act shows all the horrible mistakes the characters made with tragic results, and the second act shows how the situation could've been turned into a positive thing for her family. It is kind of reminiscent of the movie Sliding Doors, where one simple thing such as a sliding door can mean life or . Well, I was surprised when I got to the box office booth because right there at the table was sitting Ms. Jenni-Lou Oakes, a former communications teacher of mine. It turns out that she had directed the play. There were no seats left, but she so generously let us stand in the back to watch the first act and, during intermission, she placed three additional seats for us.

Now, for my critique. I enjoyed it; I mean, it's not everyday that you get to see a play about gaay Mormons (especially in Utah). It was fairly good for being put together in just five weeks, but I thought it could've been better. Some of the acting was over-the-top (Jane's brother, for example), and the depiction of a typical Mormon family was missing; the average Mormon family does not have closet-drunks, nor does it take the name of the Lord in vain or use the f-word. I felt that that authenticity wasn't there. However, it was still a good attempt to open people's eyes to the fact that some Mormons are gaay and that they are trying to handle this conflict with their faith in the best way possible. I admire Jenni-Lou for being willing to stand up for something she believes in, especially in a state that isn't known for its political or culltural diversity.

My Saving Grace

I am currently enjoying a long weekend thanks to SLCC's Fall Break. I didn't go in to work today, and I don't have school tomorrow morning. This is very welcome, as next week will be my last at the University of Utah Hospital and I will immediately jump into my next facility the following week.

For some background knowledge, my instructor has clinical spots lined up from Ogden to American Fork. For those of you who don't live in Utah, Ogden is about 1.5 hours north of Salt Lake City, while American Fork is about 30-45 minutes (depending on traffic) south of Salt Lake City. So the range of possible facilities for him to send me and others to is pretty diverse; it includes both hospitals and outpatient surgical centers. And, according to him, he always sends his best student to Primary Children's Medical Center (PCMC). This hospital is nationally ranked and treats only pediatric patients. He only has one clinical spot there for the next rotation.

Well, this past Wednesday he called me (on my cell phone - how cool is that!?) and asked me if I would feel comfortable at PCMC; he does this only for this facility because he knows that not everyone is comfortable working with children. I told him that I am all for it; it is an Intermountain Healthcare (IHC) facility after all. (I need to get hired with IHC to be able to transfer up to Logan Regional Hospital while I am going to school at Utah State University.) Also, I don't mind working with children at all. While I am not sure yet, because I have never worked with them, I suspect that I may actually prefer to work with children. I get this from my mom; she is a Registered Nurse and has worked with children all her life. In fact, she did a clinical rotation at PCMC while she was in nursing school and was hired there after she graduated.

I regret not sounding excited enough about this opportunity on the phone with my instructor; I tend to communicate more mechanically than emotionally.That's just part of my personality and, while I certainly try to balance things out, it will probably always be that way.

However, I feel so grateful for this opportunity. The fact that he and his assistant instructor (who is freakin' awesome as well) feel like they can trust me enough to send me there is an amazing feeling!

To have my instructors' faith and backing gives me a much-needed confidence booster. I, like everyone, second-guess my skills and abilities at times. And because of the nature of the University Hospital, I haven't gotten alot of feedback on my progress. The reason my instructor sent me there was because it is a clinical site where students are expected to police themselves and act independently. For example, most facilities assign their students specific rooms for the day; the University Hospital expects its students to assign themselves to rooms. In fact, I was once scolded by my nurse educator for waiting for her to assign me! I wasn't able to gauge where my skills were at until the assistant instructor communicated some information to me at one of her random weekly clinical site visits. She communicated to me that my nurse educator told her the following: "Drew is doing great, and here's how I know: No news is good news, and I've heard good news about Drew." Now, I know that that quote probably doesn't make sense at first, but I'll explain. My preceptors (Surgical Technologists whom I train with side-by-side during cases) are free to communicate absolutely anything about students (whether negative or positive) to my nurse educator. The reasoning is this: if they have something negative to report to her, they report it. But if they have something positive to report, they either say nothing or they report it. And if they elect to say nothing, it is either because my performance was just average or because they are lazy. My nurse educator assumes that if nothing is reported to her then she has doesn't have to worry about me because there are no major complaints. However, she has heard "good news about [me]." This means that I have impressed my preceptors enough that they were compelled to communicate about my progress to my nurse educator. Up until the assistant instructor communicated this to me about two weeks ago I had nothing on which to base my progress.

I feel like the past seventeen months have been worth it and that all my hard work is finally coming to fruition. All I have done is put forth my best effort, and I am glad that that best effort is good enough for my instructors, for my facilities, and for me. However, by no means am I perfect. I haven't always completed my homework 100%; I haven't always stayed awake in class; I haven't always made it to the University Hospital every day that was expected of me. However, I feel like I have put forth the best effort I could, especially given the issues and situations I've faced the past seventeen months: I was seeing a therapist at LDS Family Services nearly the whole time; my family took in a foster child just three months into my schooling and we are officially adopting her in mid-October; I have had to go through the repentance process (more than once); and I have "come out" to several people during this time period...

And I know that I couldn't have done all of this had Heavenly Father not strengthened and sustained me and my efforts. I owe it all to Him. He has blessed me even though I have made major blunders in the past seventeen months. He stuck by my side and knew that, at times, all I had to hold on to in this life was the completion of the Surgical Technology program. Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts in the past seventeen months, although those feelings have come and gone. There was one time this past spring when I came extremely close to following through on those thoughts, but I didn't because I at least wanted to see myself through the program; it has been a Saving Grace for me. It was the one consistent thing in my life besides therapy. Looking back, I suspect that I subconciously knew that, and that's probably why I've put more effort into this than into anything else in my life. All I can say is that I'm going to have an extremely difficult time when it all comes to an end in early December, even though I will stay involved through being on the program's Advisory Committee.

I'm so grateful that I was accepted into this program. The competition was and is apparently tough, something I didn't really grasp until after I was accepted and my instructor was reviewing test scores and applications for the next group of students. It is truly something that I was meant to do. And Heavenly Father knew that. He has guided me, directed me, and enabled me to get to this point. I feel blessed and loved by Him. But most important of all, I feel that He cares about me and my life, and it feels overwhelmingly sweet to be able to call Him my ally.